CHAPTER 16: FEAR

MERLYN'S P.O.V.

The flames seemed to reach out towards me as they burned furiously, the heat waves whipping at my skin. Smoke rose from the fire, torturing me with its smell, which smelled like smoke and something foul, rancid. A fire was said to purify and bring upon a fresh start.

All it did was lash the smell of Will's dead body into my face, the pungent odor burning my nostrils.

This man's sacrifice was solely for me, and though he would want me to feel grateful, I wasn't, as grim and shocking as that may sound. I never wanted him dead because of me. More blood on my conscience. He died believing I was still his best friend, which I suppose was more peaceful than me trying to tell him the truth.

My body tensed when I felt a sudden weight on my shoulder. I did not relax upon realizing who it was.

"Of all people, you know how dangerous sorcery is, Merlyn. You should not have kept this from me." Arthur said. His hand felt less like the comfort he intended it to be and more like another added weight to my shoulders. Shaking his hand off gently, I murmured a quick apology. He accepted it, but then he said I had a few more minutes before we left for Camelot.

Hunith approached me after I stood gazing at the warm flames longer, my intentions obviously to not leave. Surprisingly, she stood next to me quietly instead of questioning why I was still looking at the fire.

"I don't have to go." I announced after a while of silence. She shook her head, sighing.

"Merlyn, Arthur needs you," Hunith insisted, "and you need him." I scoffed.

"Mother, I am not his servant anymore. He can find someone else to change his linens and get the muck out of his horses' hooves. And frankly, I don't need him, considering how many times I have saved him compared to the opposite." I responded, finally turning my gaze from the bright fire to the pair of eyes physically similar to my own. Hunith sighed, placing a hand on my cheek. I winced a little from the contact. If she noticed, she pretended not to.

"You know that is not what I meant, Merlyn."

"Well, it is what I meant, mother."

Staying in Camelot was not helping my sanity. My magic was growing stronger, sure, but I could not practice as freely or as often as I wished. Plus, I already quit being Arthur's servant. What help would I be to him if I was going to rarely see him anyway? And there was no way I was agreeing to be his servant again. I'd have to find a way to complete my destiny some other way.

But, achieving this destiny was in no way, shape, or form set in stone for me to follow. If it was, surely I would have more help from someone (seriously, you stupid dragon) or even have a step by step guide to saving Arthur's butt.

So, who said I even had to ensure this destiny? No one could take over my body and steer, so it's not like the supposed destiny was even a destination I had to reach.

"I want to stay here. In Ealdor." I stated, making Hunith's eyes widen. She clearly did not expect this resolution. Hell, I didn't.

"Merlyn, you remember why I wanted you to go to Camelot in the first place…are you certain?" she asked, glancing towards Arthur, who was watching us with furrowed brows. I cursed myself for locking eyes with the blonde prince, since he was now raising a brow at me (hopefully he couldn't see my flushed cheeks), but I quickly broke the eye contact and jogged towards him.

Gwen and Morgana were already on their horses, looking at me curiously. I pretended not to notice Morgana urging her horse closer to us, her eavesdropping shamelessly unconcealed. Arthur stopped saddling his horse to look at me again. He nodded once in acknowledgement to my mother. She curtsied in respect and smiled at the blonde, but it didn't crinkle the corner of her eyes. She shifted her dim grin to me, the smile fading slowly, and nodded to me. She must've respected my decision. I watched her walk over to her little home, and she made eye contact with me once more before entering the shelter.

"I take it you've finished saying goodbye to your mother, then?" Arthur said, pointing to Hunith's direction. I shook my head, causing him to huff in frustration. "Then why are you over here? Remember, I told my father I would be gone for only a few days. Say what you need, then get on a horse. Every wasted minute is a pity."

"I know." I bit out quickly, causing him to roll his eyes. "I was telling her I want to stay in Ealdor."

Surprise was evident on his face, but his answer proved he didn't quite understand what I meant.

"If you want to stay for a few more days to make her feel at ease, I suppose I won't stop you. I'll have to inform Gaius of your decision, however, because he planned for you to go out and gather some 'chamomiya' or something like that. Don't ask how I know that."

"Chamomile." I corrected, smiling a bit at his pronunciation.

"Whatever, Merlyn." He said, a frown on his face. He turned to hop on his horse, but I realized he still didn't understand. The dunce was making this harder than I wanted it to be.

"No, Arthur…I'm staying in Ealdor." I said, a little softer.

THIRD PERSON P.O.V.

"No, Arthur…I'm staying in Ealdor."

"Arthur? Did you hear a word I just said?" Morgana exclaimed unhappily, her pretty face bearing a nasty expression.

Arthur shook his head gently, trying to clear his thoughts, but Morgana took this as him answering her question since she sighed in frustration. She then began to rage verbally some more, her face red. He blocked that out, too.

"Excuse me, your majesty?" Gwen's soft voice murmured from the prince's left, causing him to feel a little surprised at her speaking to him, but he welcomed the distraction from Morgana's ranting. "It's getting dark."

The prince glanced at the sky and was surprised to see how quickly the sun had started to set. It must've been about half an hour until blackness would be surrounding the group of three.

"We should look to set up camp." Arthur said, hopping off of his horse and tying it up to a nearby tree. He fed the beast a bit of fruit before asking Gwen to water the horses by the nearby lake. She nodded, hurrying to lead the horses one by one, not wanting to be alone in the woods at night. Arthur quickly set up a makeshift seat with a log and began to work on a fire.

"You know, Arthur, we could have kept riding. Camelot is but an hour or so away now." Morgana stated, settling on the log Arthur set up. He ignored her, still using his flint to start a fire. He blew on it gently, and was more than a little frustrated to see a flicker come and go.

"Arthur, I am upset, too. I know you are hurt by Merlyn's decision to stay with her mother." Morgana murmured softly. He shrugged.

"It was her decision and I respect it." Arthur said nonchalantly, even though he couldn't help but frown thinking about Merlyn again.

"Then why are you acting like you don't respect it? Like you don't care?" she retorted, anger barely hidden. She stood up and shoved on his right shoulder, causing the blonde man to drop the flint. Growling under his breath, he faced the woman, not even trying to conceal his annoyance.

"I never said I didn't care!" he exclaimed, a little too harsh to be considered speaking politely to a lady. He immediately felt like the dirt on the ground when she stomped over to her sleeping roll, pushing it away from his roll that was by the fire he finally got blazing. She would rather be chilly than sleep next to the rude prince.

He was trying to hide how he felt, which Morgana thought was ridiculous because he was only human, despite him being the Prince of Camelot. She just wanted to get inside of his head, and figure out why he was so adamant about hiding his feelings even when they were in the middle of the woods far away from his father.

"No, Arthur…I'm staying in Ealdor."

The blonde prince paused in his actions, quickly turning away from the horse and looking his ex-servant in the eyes. For once, he hoped to find that taunting twinkle in her eyes, or even a sarcastic roll of her eyes. She eventually frowned, not liking the prince's scrutinizing.

"I am assuming you won't be returning to Camelot anytime soon." Arthur finally assumed, watching her face carefully. She pressed her lips together tightly, but she nodded sadly. He hoped he didn't seem as desperately curious for an answer as he felt, but he obviously did, for she felt the need to explain herself.

"Yeah. I just can't go back. I probably would've left anyway even if my mother hadn't showed up in Camelot."

"Why?" the prince practically demanded. It may have been something he could fix. He was the prince, after all. To his annoyance, Merlyn simply sighed, murmuring that it was complicated.

"…I see." He said quietly. Little did Merlyn know that the prince was not accepting of this answer one bit. He felt that they had a better relationship than the one she must have thought they had to not even trust him with telling him why she wanted out of his beloved kingdom so much. Did she even like being there one minute? Did she hate every moment she was there? Was it worse when she was with him? Did she only pretend this entire time to enjoy his company as a selfish attempt to feel better about her misery? To keep her job?

Merlyn nodded her head and crossed her arms, thinking while the silence filled the air. Maybe they could write to each other, she thought. He already knew she was able to write, so the idea shouldn't be too blasphemous to him. Maybe he would even stay one more night. Another day of looking into his clear, blue eyes didn't sound too shabby, actually-

"Good thing we aren't friends, then. Would've made this a bit difficult." Arthur bit out, but as soon as he did, he instantly wanted to slap himself in the face. Merlyn's jaw dropped, her face showing the most horrific expression of disgust and rejection.

"Do you have to be so rude? I thought you were better than this. I have saved your life countless times, Arthur, and-"

"Really, countless times? Besides, do you recall me ever asking to be saved? I would happily give my life for the sake of my kingdom." Arthur interrupted, his face heating up as he saw her fists clench. Merlyn, sighed, rubbing her eyes tiredly. Was this really how he wanted to say goodbye?

She inhaled deeply, and exhaled. She stuck out her hand, waiting for him to shake it. When he didn't, she rolled her eyes.

"Can we just shake hands and end this at least somewhat peacefully, your mature majesty?" she asked sarcastically, her eyes squinted.

Arthur tensed his jaw, an anger he did not even know he had filling his mind.

"I'm not touching your hand, peasant."

Merlyn swiftly made him touch it anyway by using it to sharply slap the side of his face.

Arthur groaned, placing his head in his hands and scratching the roots of his hair. He lifted a hand to the left side of his face and winced. He felt a weight settle next to him, and he was about to tell Morgana to save it for tomorrow, but he then saw that it was Morgana's maidservant. He straightened.

"The horses are ready to rest for the night, your highness." Guinevere announced, scratching the back of her head awkwardly. Arthur nodded, managing to give a small smile to the sweet woman. They sat in silence until Gwen noticed his face, concern overwhelming her. "It's still quite red."

"Merlyn was upset with me." Arthur stated simply, leaving it at that. Gwen didn't seem happy, but she didn't start to throw insults at him like Morgana had.

"Do you…want to talk about it?" she asked a little warily, not quite sure if she should be speaking to him so casually. He was surprised at her gentle conversation prodding, but he welcomed it. He sighed, thinking about his last conversation with his servant. Ex-servant.

"I spoke rudely to her and she hit me with her hand. It was my fault."

"Well, did she say anything to provoke you?" Gwen asked innocently. Merlyn was her friend, but she didn't want to believe the prince would just insult Merlyn for no reason. Arthur groaned slightly.

"She mocked my maturity, and I guess I responded exactly as an immature fool. She hit me." Arthur said, getting a little impatient and uncomfortable admitting this to Guinevere. She seemed to sense this, so she simply nodded and left it at that. Arthur glanced at the woman next to him. She was gazing into the fire, and he found it hard to try and guess what was on her mind.

So, heasked, and found that he quite enjoyed the quiet woman's peaceful company.

MERLYN'S P.O.V.

I tossed and turned on the cold, hard floor, the warmth of the fire not seeming to warm me enough. I inched to the right and grabbed the extra blanket Hunith placed next to me. She'd told me I could sleep in the bed with her like I apparently had before, but I told her I wanted to be alone.

She didn't seem hurt, but she wasn't pleased.

I was going to mess up sooner or later. The only problem was that I didn't have any memories of my childhood with her. I didn't have to worry about allergies-I was still allergic to the same things I have always been, and I still had the same personality and stuff. But during dinner tonight when she talked about some man in the village that apparently always hit on her and I laughed, telling her to talk to him, she looked confused. Apparently, I hated the man and I was always super protective of Hunith.

She'd looked at me strangely the rest of dinner (which was, you guessed it, watery, bland oats).

I asked her if I could prepare some dinner tomorrow and asked if she had a chicken and spices and such. She shook her head and quietly stated that we never ate chicken unless it was the fifth Sunday of the month. Today was Saturday, so Sunday was tomorrow, but it was nowhere near the fifth one. I'd lied and said I lost track, which was easy enough. Thankfully, she laughed when I asked about the spices, assuming I was joking.

Great.

I sighed and stood up, stretching my arms and my back, which was a little stiff. I glanced out the tiny window where the sky was still dark and the moon still high. I wondered if Gaius was up as well, anxiously waiting for my return. I felt a pang of guilt in my stomach thinking about the old man I felt an even stronger connection to than my mother.

I shrieked a little when I heard something shuffle outside. I walked to the door and opened it up, peering outside and holding in a scream when I saw an unidentifiable mammal-like creature turn its entire head around to look at me. When we locked eyes, it made a loud, crackling noise and scurried off.

Heart racing, I closed my eyes and sat against the wooden door, still outside. I frantically swatted at a bug that was crawling up my leg before placing my head in my hands. How lame was I?

Was I even going to have a successful life here in this little town? Didn't I leave the town in the first place because no one here liked me anyway except for two people? One of those people was dead and the other was my mother. And magic wasn't illegal here, but the way Hunith stressed me not to use it in front of anyone, it may as well have been. I was going to be trapped here just like I was in Camelot.

I stood up and walked to the well in the center of the town, staring down into it. If only wish making was true magic. I crossed my arms and leaned on the well, my eyes starting to sting. I felt tears streaming down my face before I even wished to go back home to America. I wanted modern life back and my family back, even though my family danced around me. At the very least, I wanted to meet someone in this hellhole that would not judge me for my magic that I never fucking asked for.

" 'Ey, freak! Yer salty tears are gonna pollute the well!" a woman's voice sharply cried, causing me to gasp and swivel around to apologize to her immediately. She was holding the hand of a pale boy with dark hair. I lifted a hand to my mouth, turning back around to avoid spotting the boy's eyes, and my chest tightened. I tried breathing deeply, but found that I could not inhale more than light, shallow breaths, causing my heart to beat harder and faster. I heard her shuffle to get her and her child back to their hut, her curses a distant hum in the background.

I had to get out of Ealdor.

I don't know how long I had been running through the woods. My legs were starting to cramp up and my chest was heaving, but I seemed to have some sort of endless adrenaline as I ran with nowhere in particular to be. My health problems usually prohibited me from running from so hard and so long, but for once, my airway was clear and my stomach was settled. I let out a humorless laugh before I shushed myself calm-who knew who was out here at this time of the night?

I tripped over a loose tree root, but thankfully I caught my balance before I fell. I took this as a warning from nature to stop acting so impulsively and to return to the small town. Sighing, I turned around only to see more wilderness. Biting my lip, I prayed I hadn't been zig-zagging in my frenzied running and started to walk in the opposite direction I stood up facing after I tripped.

I had to have walked for an hour and I still didn't see any kind of civilization. I wrapped my arms around myself, a little chilly and squinting to see in the dark, the moon not giving much help in terms of light. hated magic for what it made my life. But I couldn't bring myself to not love it, as paradoxical as that sounded. I closed my eyes and willed a calm flame in my hand, and I bit my lip so hard I drew blood, trying to punish myself for my delight at the comforting warmth I felt flowing through my hand.

I picked up a sturdy branch and willed my fire to hover in the air while I grabbed some flexible roots to tie around it to make a sloppy torch. I moved the fire onto the end and held the torch, waving it gently. The warmth of the fire now physically warmed my skin instead of warming my heart like it was before. I was happy to temporarily escape the magic that hurled me into this frightening world. Frustratingly, I was subconsciously sad to lose the magical flame's energy in my hand.

I kept walking, carefully using my makeshift torch to see in the darkness without lighting the forest on fire, all the while trying not to escape into my obviously fragile mentality again. I held onto my chest with my other arm, wheezing heavily. Seems like my adrenaline rush was gone. I stopped for a moment to focus on my breathing, and I coughed to make sure it wasn't just trapped mucus. Nope. I was still wheezing. My asthma was just kicking me in the ass from all that running I did earlier.

After being more than a little spooked by something hissing in the tall grass, I began to jog quickly. I could feel the pulsing of my blood right behind my ear, and I had to tighten my grip on my torch.

I looked down when I stopped feeling the stinging sharpness of long grass on my legs and cried out when I finally came across a small road. I decided to just stick with it, remembering I was on a road for a short while when I was running away. Maybe I was on the way back to Ealdor!

I blew out my torch when I saw a large, lit building in the distance. This wasn't Ealdor. Increasing my pace, I was relieved to see a couple of people walking inside. Thugs, possibly. I approached closer to the building and saw that it was tavern. I didn't really care- it was owned by a woman named Rosie O'Mallie, a sign said, so I was assuming it was pretty safe. Though, what did I know, the lady could be the daughter of a big-time bandit or something.

I found myself unable to logic myself away from this extremely potentially dangerous situation. I felt that I was not going to hesitate to use my magic to defend myself if someone tried to hurt me, despite the inner turmoil using the magic would bring me. I continued to give myself an internal pep talk, but I stopped when I spotted a couple fondling shamelessly on the side of the wall.

A man was towered over a giggling woman, his knee parting her legs and lifting her up. She moaned loudly, her eyes closing as his head buried into the side of her neck. Suddenly, her eyes opened, making eye contact with me, causing me to blush and scurry inside, trying to get the burning image out of my head. I felt like the world's biggest loser, but never had I seen two people so ready to have sex in a lit area right by the front door of a public place.

I was immediately flushed with warmth as I entered the tavern. It smelled like alcohol, sweat, dirt, feces, and urine. Straw covered the floor where I'm guessing it held the mud and animal feces because it didn't look like it was changed very often. There was a main area with a bunch of wooden tables, almost all of them filled, and only a few women were bustling around taking orders and delivering drinks and food. I felt sorry for them, for the place was clearly understaffed. The tavern was filled with the sound of a dozen different conversations and such, and some men and women were dancing to a man playing a fiddle in the corner.

I finally eyed a mostly empty place-the bar itself. Only one other person was there, and he was all the way on the end. I warily but gladly sat on the far right of the bar, hopping into the bar stool. A heavy woman with curly hair immediately came over, wiping a cup with a towel. I winced a little, thinking of those movies where the medieval mixologists would spit in cups to clean them.

"Welcome to the ale house, lass. I'm surprised yer here by yerself." she said, though her tone of voice showed she really didn't give a damn. I shrugged awkwardly. Not even trying to urge me to converse, she quickly stated all the things available for purchase- ale, water, wine, meat, cheese, and bread. I asked her what kind of meat and she simply raised a thin brow at me, silently daring me to ask again. I sighed and asked for some water, bread, cheese, and, warily, meat. The lady nodded, murmuring out the cost to me. I fished out some coins, thankful I had at least brought my money with me since my pouch was always attached to my hip, and I placed them on the counter. I touched the mysterious meat when it arrived. Hunger eventually overcame my cautiousness, and I picked up the meat, prepared to dig in, until the sound of someone clearing their throat stopped me. Shocked, I dropped my meat, and I quickly turned to my left to see who it was that wanted my attention.

My jaw dropped a bit in pleasant surprise. His long nose fit his face nicely and his eyes were dark and intense, a sharp contrast to his curvy, subtle lips. His clothes were filthy, but his face was clean even with his stubble, and he didn't have a strong odor like most of the men in here. The man was easy on the eyes.

"Trust me when I say that you don't want to know what that meat is, but if you're hungry enough, it's all yours." The man said innocently enough, a crooked smile on his face.

I peeked at the cold meat on my plate and smelled it experimentally. I scrunched my nose a bit, causing the man to laugh at my expression of disgust. I quickly tossed the meat into a waste bin when the bartender wasn't looking.

I took my loaf of bread and tore it through the middle. The man watched me curiously as I placed all my cheese in the new area and squished the bread together before tasting it. Sigh. I wish I could've made grilled cheese, but not only was the bread literally a loaf, but I couldn't use the fire here without getting charged, and who knew how far I was from Ealdor?

"Something on your mind?" the man asked, his arms crossed on the bar, body leaning forward, head faced towards me. I shrugged my shoulders.

"Not really." I murmured looking down, not really knowing how to feel about talking to a complete stranger. I snapped my head up when I heard him snort before asking the bartender for the strongest ale in the house. I raised my brows.

"It is not often I see a lovely lady sitting at a bar in a tavern full of mostly men by herself. You're obviously running from something." he stated confidently, daring me to say he was wrong. I choked a bit on my food, and I dashed some water back to steady myself.

"Um…" I said awkwardly, still in slight disbelief at the man's statement. I sighed finally after he showed no sign of leaving. "You're right."

"From what, if I may ask?" he pressed gently, taking the ale from the bartender and taking a quick swig before looking back at me. Seeing my wary face, he quickly added, "I may be able to offer some advice. I've done a lot of running."

I wanted to ask what kind of running he'd done, but after being surprised by the man's cleverness before, I didn't want to risk him calling me out on my change of subject.

"Honestly, it's a lot. My village, my kingdom, my mother…everything, really." I said, suddenly feeling a pressure between my eyes. Sighing, I reached my hands up to massage my temples.

"Eh…I can't really help, I'm afraid. I assumed you were running from your father to get out of a marriage."

I chuckled lightly, to my own surprise, at the man's blunt response. He smiled at my light laughter, revealing white, straight teeth, another rarity here. "I'd like to hear more of that. Some ale would help. I wasn't going to offer, but it seems like you haven't laughed in quite a while." He announced quietly, his voice a soft timbre.

Oh, why the hell not?

We kept up some nonchalant conversation about the weather and such before my ale arrived. I looked at the tankard warily. Usually when I would drink, I would have wine from the palace or some barley beer from the nicer tavern in Camelot. This tankard looked old, rusty, and not very sanitary, and the liquid smelled like it was literally just one hundred percent alcohol.

I quickly took a swig, not wanting to piss off a stranger for being disgusted at a free drink, and I did my hardest not to gag at the burning. The man cheered and ordered some more ale.

"Never have I ever thought I would see a lady drink like that!" he exclaimed, mirth in his voice. I chuckled nervously, not quite sure about my supposed skills, but I raised my tankard up when he brought raised his, and we clinked the metal containers together. We shared a few more drinks, and I grew fuzzier and fuzzier by the minute.

"What do you think he is here for?" I asked my new friend, pointing to a large man in the corner that had a long beard and a bald head.

"Probably wondering when someone is going to compliment the way he styled his hair today, obviously." He said sarcastically, causing me to burst into a fit of giggles. He chuckled lightly, and we continued our silly games until the bartender kicked us out for pissing someone off-turns out we had talked a little too loud and someone heard us. Thankfully she wanted to just avoid a fight since one hadn't broken out in the tavern yet. I wobbled out, my new friend helping to steady me as we wandered outside.

"That had to be Rosie!" I exclaimed excitedly, holding on to my friend's shoulder. He furrowed his brows.

"What?"

"The bartender!" I said, looking at the building again. He shook his head amusedly. "Rosie is the owner and the bartender had the authority to just kick us out. Plus I heard her yelling at one of the barmaids to come to work without smelling like being freshly fadoodled."

The man let out a loud guffaw as we continued to walk. I gasped suddenly, causing him to freeze and tense slightly. There was no way I could continue to find my way home in the state I was in. I was so tipsy.

"Should we find somewhere to sleep for the night since we were kicked out of the tavern which had beds for rent?" he asked, waiting for my anwer. I nodded quickly, wanting to get out of the elements. He smiled and took my hand. "There's a barn I passed on the way here. Farmer should be asleep by now."

We quickly jogged to the barn, and I relished at the size of it and the field it was on. The field seemed to go on for miles, but I was pretty sure those large shadowy things in the distance were cattle. I wondered if they looked like the cattle in Ealdor. Probably not-the cattle in that village looked malnourished.

"In here, quickly!"

I was about to mutter asking what the rush was, but then I noticed a figure holding a lantern not too far away. I quickly went inside the door that was being held open for me, and my friend came in after me, shutting the door quietly.

The barn was huge. There was a section for horses on the right, each of them in their stalls. There had to be over a dozen. The smell wasn't so bad thanks to the hugeness of the barn. To the left side were piles upon piles of hay, and I could see up the stairs was a loft area with some more hay.

My new friend helped me up the stairs and began to lay out some hay, enough for both of us to lay on. I couldn't be happier for a place to lay my head. I laid down on the hay, groaning in relief. My legs were burning from all the walking I'd been doing.

"Now, now…I suppose I must at least introduce myself. That way you'll know whose name to cry out tonight."

He smiled widely, hovering over me as he murmured his name I patted his cheek, still drunk, and smiled sleepily. "Mmm-hmm." I mumbled, getting comfortable. I laid flat on my back. "What a nice name."

I didn't have the time to drunkingly process why this…hmm…Blaine? Wayne? Why what's-his-face looked so shocked whenever I turned on my side and began to snore.

A.N.

Short update, I know, but it's better than nothing, eh? Here's news.

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