Warning for word abuse. If you suffer from improper spelling, mistaken word-identity or auto spell check bullying, this story may cause flashbacks. If you are seeking help for word abuse, this story may offer some useful tips.

Loosing My Mind

Looking through the glass walls of the Five-0 office, Kono Kalakaua saw Danny Williams squeezing the bridge of his nose as if his head hurt, which was odd because Steve McGarrett was nowhere in sight. She poked her head into Danny's office and saw a pile of reports on his desk. Paperwork migraines she understood.

"Got a headache, brah? Can I help?" she asked sympathetically.

Danny looked at her with a sigh. "I think I'm loosing my mind," he said distinctly.

She hesitated. Had she heard that right? "Losing?" she asked.

"Loosing," Danny said firmly.

"Well, if it's loose, can I help tighten it?" Kono offered, trying to figure out what kind of joke this was.

"I'd like to tighten my fingers around Andy Chu's throat," Danny said.

Ah, so it was the paperwork! "That's the officer who got involved in the Ricardo case, right?"

"Right. He found the body," Danny said with another sigh. "So he wrote a report and turned it in, so proudly, this morning. I'm ready to stuff it down his throat."

Kono sat across from Danny's desk, considering the losing/loosing business. "So he can't spell?" she guessed. "You must be used to that, brah. Spelling is not one of the top priorities for patrol officers."

"I know, but this isn't spelling, exactly. Apparently, Officer Chu thought a report to Five-0 needed a little pizzazz, so he typed it up using the creative writing skills he remembered from grade school. And he trusts his spellchecker way too much."

"How's that?"

"He gets words that are spelled right, but they aren't the words he wants." Danny pulled out a sheet of paper and read, "As I proceeded along Pi'ikoi Street, the car ahead of me hit the breaks and stopped in the middle of the street. The driver got out and stared at the side of the rode. This peaked my interest. I left my car and approached. The driver pointed out a high-healed shoe and a purse in the street. He said they weren't there 10 minutes ago when he ran to the drugstore to get cough syrup for his child," the detective read aloud.

"Sounds OK to me," Kono said, then Danny showed her the paper with "breaks" and "rode" — you'd think a street cop would know how to spell "brakes" and "road."

"And 'healed,'" Danny sighed. "Did the cough syrup 'heal' that high-heeled shoe?"

"I like 'peaked'," Kono said.

"Now, I can understand misspelling weird French words like 'piqued,'" Danny said. "But I also don't understand how 'piqued' ended up in a police report."

"The detective's anger peaked — P-E-A-K-E-D — when he read P-I-Q-U-E-D in a report. He had a fit of pique — P-I-Q-U-E — about the whole incident," Kono teased, literally spelling out the proper use of the two words.

Danny nodded approval. "I don't know why 'pique' means both a 'a bad temper' and to 'get someone interested.' I just know it does."

"Did Andy do anything else wrong?"

"I shutter to remember," Danny said sarcastically, emphasizing the misplaced "Ts."

"I shudder to imagine," Kono replied, enunciating the correct "Ds."

"To quote Officer Chu, 'I know Mr. Johnston. He is a descent person and I knew he must be right that the shoes were a resent addition to the street. I left Mr. Johnston by his car and went to the edge of the street, where I saw a woman's body in the bushes. I could barley see her, but when I checked, I realized she was defiantly dead, so I called it in.'"

Kono was laughing so hard she couldn't catch her breath. This time the words Chu misused were obvious. Though "descent," "resent," "barley" and "defiantly" are perfectly good words, they aren't pronounced the same as "decent," "recent," "barely" and "definitely" — the words he'd intended.

"Why does he resent the street?" Kono asked. "What did the street do to him? And barley — where does that grain fit in. I don't think we grow barley in Hawaii."

"Not in Honolulu, that's for sure," Danny said.

"But I like 'defiantly,'" Kono said. "The woman was defiantly dead. That actually suits her."

"Well, as we learned, the victim was a fighter and was probably defiant to the last, but I am definitely certain that Officer Chu couldn't know that and didn't mean to write 'defiantly.'" Danny rubbed his eyes. "As for 'descent,' this report is a descent all right, a descent into Hell. If Officer Chu could write a decent report, I wouldn't have this headache!"

"Well, don't tear into the poor guy. I'm sure he's doing his best. He might have dyslexia or something, wouldn't you feel bad then?"

"Maybe," Danny said grudgingly. "OK, I'll talk to Duke. Maybe he can coach Officer Chu. Duke writes nice, neat reports."

"How about if I buy lunch?" Kono offered. "You ready to take a break —
B-R-E-A-K?" she teased.

"Defiantly," Danny answered, dropping his pen on the desk. "I am defiantly ready to take a break."

Just so you know, the only word my spell check stopped on was "brah."