Sooo... per usual, I have absolutely no clue where this came from. I doubt it's something we'll ever see, but I just had to write! And just one thing: Seriously fanfiction writers, where's the love for Perlmutter?

Disclaimer: Nope, don't own Castle. Santa must not have been able to fit it down the chimney...

To Perlmutter: Your snarky awesomeness in The Final Frontier is my inspiration. You are my idol.

To Sidney Perlmutter, his lunch break was supposed to be time to himself. It was a time to eat whatever he had for the day, read a magazine, and ponder the greater mysteries of the world(s?). Why else would he eat in a morgue?

One lunch break after performing an autopsy on a woman who appeared to have been poisoned, a beige cup with a cardboard sleeve smelling strongly of coffee was dropped onto his Time magazine as he read about the latest antics of some Asian dictator.

"Care for some coffee?"

"There are only two things that give me headaches, Mr. Castle: Caffeine and you." Sidney complained as he set down his potato salad and looked up at the writers uncharacteristically worried face.

"You're married." Castle stated as he sits on a chair across the autopsy table from the ME. He tries to lean his elbows on the autopsy table, but upon realizing the purpose of the surface that sits between them, he removes his arms as his face scrunches into a look of disgust.

"Your point?"

"How'd you do it? Propose, I mean." The writer asks, his eyes genuinely curious. Sidney looks at him questioningly, trying to gauge his intentions.

"Took Lori on a walk through Central Park and popped the question." He explains with a shrug. He picks up his potato salad again and takes a bite as the writer considers this. He glances down to stir through the contents of his lunch, and when he looks up again, a diamond ring nestled in a velvet box sits in front of him.

"What do you think?" The writer asks, his eyes laced with worry.

"Well, Castle, I'm flattered but-"

"It's for Kate." He clarifies, his smile daring Sidney to continue.

"As much as it pains me to admit that you can do something right, Mr. Castle..." The writer raises an eyebrow, holding his breath. "You did good." He admits, as Castle exhales loudly. And it's true, the ring is stunning. A large, square-cut diamond sits in the middle, with small diamonds embedded along the silver band. He looks up at the writer and a pang of sympathy runs through him. He gets what Castle's going through. "How long have you had it?" Beckett's sidekick sighs.

"Two weeks. I keep trying to find the right moment to ask, but I just... I just can't." He trails off. "I mean, yes I've proposed to a woman before but... Kate is different. What if she says no? I don't want to risk ruining what we have!" He cries in exasperation, closing the velvet box and placing it securely in his coat pocket.

"Speaking as someone who has no interest what you and Detective Beckett do in your spare time... you'll never know unless you try." The man ponders this for a moment, before smiling the most genuine smile the ME has seen the writer direct his way.

"You know... you're right. I'll take her out to lunch tomorrow... the coffee shop we love, and I'm gonna do it! I'm going to ask her to marry me!" Castle declare's triumphantly as he jumps out of his chair and strolls boldly out the door. Sidney picks up his potato salad, pleased to be getting back to his lunch when the writer's head pops back into the room. "Ya know, Perlmutter, you can give some realyl good advice sometimes."

"I'm sure Dr. Phil would be proud." He mutters and he slides his magazine back towards himself.

Perlmutter's not going to lie, he's been thinking about Castle and Beckett quite a bit today. Yesterday was the day that Castle was supposedly taking the detective out to lunch to propose, yet an absence of Lanie's giddy shrieks led him to believe the writer had chickened out once again. The two seem genuinely happy together, and despite what the world seemed to think, Sydney Perlmutter did enjoy happy endings. So when five in the evening rolls around, and Perlmutter's just wrapping up his autopsy report, he can't help but picture Castle getting down on one knee and proposing to the Detective. He can just see how dramatic and theatrical the whole thing will be, knowing the writer. It will probably involve a flash mob and music and a hot air balloon and-

"Hey, Perlmutter, I'm heading up to the twelfth to help Beckett and the boys out with a case. Need to run up to the precinct for anything?" Lanie asks, coat and car keys in her hand.

"Actually," Sidney says nonchalantly, "Yes. I've got to get this report to Williams."

"I'll meet you at the car in..." She checks her watch. "Five minutes?"

"Meet you there."

Kate is doing it again.

She sits in her chair, staring at the murder board, her foot tapping anxiously on the floor because they've got a killer to catch and not one suspect pinned on their board, and Castle tells himself that is why he didn't take her out to lunch yesterday.

"I just don't understand why it took our vic one and a half hours to get home. Where did they go?"

"Alien abduction?" He suggests. She stands, ignoring him.

"To meet someone?" She mutters as she paces up and down the murder board.

"Wormhole?"

"But the only person she had recently contacted was the cousin..."

"Assassination job?"

The words tumble out of their mouths at the same time.

"I've got it!" She turns to look at him, raising an eyebrow. He takes this as permission to proceed.

"She was possessed by a demon." He says confidently.

"Castle!" She groans sharply.

"Actually, writer boy may have been right... sort of." A familiar voice says. Castle turns to see Lanie standing next to them, a coat folded over her arm. And then, he notices who stands behind her: Perlmutter.

Oh God, it's the look on that man's face, the smugness, the slightly knowing grin. Castle can almost picture the light bulb flashing above the ME's head as his eyes flash down to Kate's ringless hand.

Shit.

Castle slashes an index finger across his throat frantically with panicked eyes from where he sits next to Kate, she and Lanie too engrossed in the report to notice, and Perlmutter's grin intensifies.

"So, Detective Beckett, I hear you're wearing some new jewelry." He says abruptly to Kate, cutting Lanie off.

"Uh... no... nothing new." Kate replies non-nonchalantly, her eyes still glued to the report.

"Just because you and Castle hid your relationship doesn't mean you need to hide the engagement, too." At these words, Kate's head snapped up, her confused eyes meeting Castle's horrified ones.

"I uh... I uh..." Kate gazes flicks from Perlmutter, then back at Castle, and then to Perlmutter again. "I think you've got the wrong people... or something." She awkwardly supplies last part of her statement before pretending her attention is once again on Lanie's report.

"Hey, guys. What's going on?" Ryan's voice asks as he and Esposito join the group.

"Castle too afraid to give the ring he's had for two weeks to his girlfriend." Perlmutter deadpans, every single member of the group's jaw falling open.

"Ok." Ryan says, strolling away, with Esposito stumbling behind as he shoots a disproving look at Castle.

"I gotta go talk to the boys." Lanie blurts out, dragging Perlmutter behind her.

Castle glances at the group, all over at the boy's desks. They are trying- and failing- to look completely uninterested. Lanie is pretending to talk to Espo, their eyes glancing at Kate and him every few seconds. Perlmutter is suddenly extremely interested in the lighting of the precinct, and Ryan is pretending to scribble things down on a pad of paper. He looks back at Kate, who has recovered and is staring at her report, though he can tell she is completely unfocused on it, but rather on what just occurred. So focused, in fact, that she doesn't even notice when he stands, pulls a velvet box from inside his pocket, and gets down on one knee.

"Kate." He murmurs.

"It's fine, Castle. I know he was just confused." She explains, not looking at him. God, this woman really was maddening.

"Kate, look at me." She turns to face him swiftly, a snarky remark on her lips that disappears as her jaw drops and eyes widen, her words lost. So, he speaks instead.

"It's true. I've had the ring for two weeks, but I've been to afraid to give it to you. The truth is..." He takes a deep breath. "You're the most remarkable, maddening, challenging, frustrating person I've ever met, and I love you. I want to spend every minute of every day with you, I to grow old with you, I want to be able to call you my wife. So, Katherine Houghton Beckett... will you marry me?" He opens the little black box at those words, revealing the ring.

She doesn't answer immediately, doesn't even offer any sort of reaction, and as a tear falls from her cheek, he feels his heart start to break. He knew he should have...

"Yes." She breathes, her words barely audible. "Yes." She repeats, louder this time, a smile cutting through her shocked expression as she extends her hand forwards. He takes it, carefully sliding the square diamond up her ring finger. Disbelief and adrenaline and joy and love and just about every other emotion cloud his mind as he stumbles to his feet pulling her with him. Her smile is even wider now, her brown eyes soft and full of love as she throws her arms around his neck and leans in for a kiss.

Sidney Perlmutter watches the couple embrace, a slight smile on his face. Just before their friends and colleges swarm them, Richard Castle's eye meet his own. The writer is beaming as he mouths a silent 'thank you', one arm still around his fiancee's waist. Perlmutter just grins in response, puts his hands in his coat pocket, and heads towards the elevator, feeling out of place among the emotion and tears. He's never really felt exactly comfortable in such social scenarios, but he sure does love the happy endings.

Believe it or not, this is my first (attempted) humor/fluff story... reviews would mean the world to me!