Monday 13th May 2013, 12:50

The black-haired boy mumbled something as he walked past and led the way, going under the low entry and walking through the tunnel, but after reaching the end and feeling something cold on his feet had to steady himself to avoid falling into a pool on a step down, as he called back from the tunnel's edge: "You didn't say anything about water dude!"

Cartman caught up, and replied: "Again dude, it's fahne, this won't be like last time, I swear. The water's pretty deep, you can't stand in it, but you can easily swim round to where I hid the treasure, and there's loads of flat rocky platform things you can rest up on inbetween. If you're that worried, just try and keep your head above water, then you won't have any problems."

Being almost forced into the freezing cold water first by his friend, Stan followed the advice and slowly started half-breaststroking across. Resting by leaning at each platform, he looked back to see Cartman making his way even slower with his familiar struggling, leaving the thinner boy to extend an arm to help his friend make it to the stopping points. After turning a corner, the pair reached a large shallow ledge at the end of the water that held the pile of fake gold and diamonds.

After climbing up himself, Stan lent a hand to assist his heavy guide onto the platform, before trying to hug himself warm while listening to Cartman speak: "Phew, made it. Man, we're gonna be totally ripped by the end of this, how's your bruise holding up Stan?"

The black-haired boy was clearly taken back by Cartman's rare show of concern: "Err... yeah, it's... getting better Cartman, thanks... for asking. So... how are we gonna do this then?"

"We'll take what we can hold, y'know, wearing some of the jewellery, carrying a few goblets, we're not gonna... hmmm... this place... it feels like... someone else has already been here."

"What do you mean?"

"Dunno man, something just feels... different. It's impossible, surely no-one else could have... it was Kahl, wasn't it?!"

"What?"

"Don't play games with me Stan, this is all a cover-up isn't it? That Jew-rat found out about my treasure, and he's come in here and stolen some, hoping ah wouldn't notice, well he's wrong, he's wrooong! And you, you obviously knew about it this whole time, you always say how you're like brothers with Kahl and this is one of those times he would have told you about what he did, I know what you two are like."

Instead of getting an angry response or even a 'chill out', Cartman only heard a sigh from Stan, who had turned to sit at the edge of the platform with his legs in the water. The fat boy walked over, casting a shadow above his friend: "Dude, what's wrong? Normally when I offend your butt buddy you're arguing back or telling me to shut up."

"*sigh* Cartman, Kyle didn't take any of your treasure. You're right, he would have told me if he did, but you're talking bullshit, you're an asshole for assuming that he would do that kind of thing, and it's all in your head, happy? Sorry, it's just there's something else on my mind... Professor Jurgen told me something earlier while you were having a crap, I'd forgotten about it till now."

"What? I told you we can't trust that goddamned Swiss hippie!"

"Stop, Cartman, it's nothing bad, alright? He just told me about his grandson Adler."

"Adler? That 3rd grader that visited a few months ago? He's related to JJ?"

"Yeah, him, where the hell do you think he stayed dude? Anyway, his godparents in France have agreed to be James' godparents as well, Jurgen said it'll kinda make them godbrothers, I guess they're saving the news 'till JJ's in France with them all later this week. He said it'll be an extra-proud week for the godmom, or something."

The brown-haired 9-year-old joined Stan in sitting down: "But... they're both your friends, aren't you supposed to like... be happy for them or some shit?"

"*hmph* You sound like the goth kids now dude. Yeah, I'm really happy for them, they're both only childs and they get along great, they'll be awesome brothers whenever they see eachother, it just made me realise... it seems like everyone has a brother except me."

"Dude, who cares?"

"At least you have one to not care about!" The smaller boy snapped. "Sorry, again, but even forgetting about James and Adler... I'm the only one in our group without a brother. I know Kenny has the only 'real' one, but even still... Kyle has Ike, and you have Scott Tenorman... even if you do hate him."

"Yeah, thank fuck ah don't have to live with that ginger asshole! You saw what he did with my hard-drive that one time. I mean, there's nothing better than being an only child, so having other dudes in the house... they'd just borrow your video games, your clothes, having to share all the good snacks, possibly even your room, just count yourself lucky you have Shelly rather than a brother dude."

The black-haired boy swung his legs in the water as he reflected: "It's not the same dude, I mean I wouldn't swap Shelly for anything even after all she does to me, but you're a guy too, you have to understand what I'm saying. Even Shelly would, I know that she'd have gotten along better with me if I was born a girl, it's just how this stuff works. Kyle's awesome, I really couldn't ask for a better friend and we really are as close as brothers, but I say that because it's true, he's the closest I've got, and we both know that we're not actually related, so it's just not the same."

"I know, it's better, right? I feel sorry for Ike having to share a house with Kahl all the time, it's nice to know you feel the same way."

"Cartman, it's not that, seriously, you're an asshole for thinking those things. I just want another guy in school with last name 'Marsh', y'know? I wanna have someone in my house that has the same interests as me and isn't annoying about it like my dad. A guy that I can teach new things and do stuff with that no-one else can, playing sports in the backyard, burping contests, playfights, share some of Shelly's beatings, *sigh*. Then sharing other things and experiences, like exploring places, getting into trouble, video games, snacks, secrets, basically what you said but the opposite, I want to have all that 'cause I think I can be a cool brother to someone."

"Well... dude... I never knew you felt that way. I mean, if you need someone to get in trouble with, I think you're cool enough to be let in on some more of my pranks in school. Butters is too obvious a choice to take the heat for me all the time, so if I had a willing participant..."

"That's what you take out of that speech? You really don't get it do you? I mean, me and Kyle get in trouble sometimes with our parents or something, it's kinda... I can't really explain, you either get it or you don't. *sigh* I guess the ship's sailed though, its not like I can just 'have' a brother now."

"Err... yeah, you can, just walk up to your mom and dad and order them to make with the dude juice, problem solved. Parents need to be aware that their kids are in charge, otherwise they just walk all over you."

"Ugh, that's a gross idea dude, besides, that Bart Simpson kid in Springfield told me he tried it once, but his mom told him it's a 50-50 chance of being a boy or girl, at least our house is even with two of each right now, and I wouldn't want another girl around. Plus there's the age difference, I'd only really be able to do most of the stuff I said with a boy who was 2 or 3 years older or younger, tops. I could be a really good protective older brother like Kyle is, but that's not quite what I want, again dude, you either get it or you don't."

"So... you still can get a brother the same age as you if that's what you really want, Ike's an adopted Jew... just find some orphan kid, bring him into your house, and make him your brother. It's not fucking difficult."

"Bart said he tried that out as well and a little brother found him, it turned out better and they got along well but he said his parents wouldn't allow it, and neither would mine. Besides, I think I'm just complaining for the sake of it, I mean I have a great home, parents, a sister, an awesome best friend, a dog..."

"... who's gay."

"Shut up fatass! Other great friends, even a total asshole who's just sat down and listened to all my whining, thanks man," Stan said as he nudged Cartman's arm. "...and a cool girlfriend... and I could end up losing half of all that if we don't get moving. Sorry for wasting our time dude, let's get what we came here for."

Cartman was the first to stand up: "Right, now you've wasted some of my time, we're even. And don't feel too bad dude, you're forgetting there's lots of kids in town without brothers: Clyde, Jimmy, Butters, but he doesn't count, Token, Timmy, Craig, Tweek..."

"Yeah, I get it dude..."

"Then guys we've met on those field trips, remember? Bart, that wierd Milhouse van Houten kid, Timmy Turner, Dipper Pines, Gene Belcher, just form a no-bros club with all them if you're that beat up about it."

"Riiight. Err... thanks for not being too much of an asshole about this Cartman, without getting all pussy on you... it means a lot dude."

"Hey, no problem, I still don't get it though, I mean I my half-brother is dead to me anyway."

"I know, maybe someday you'll understand. But right now there's treasure to move, let's get to it."

Cartman started sifting through his pile to find some of the items he would least miss but looked convincing, but as he tried handing things over the black-haired boy backed off with a sudden realisation: "Dude... did you wash this stuff first? I don't wanna touch something you literally crapped on."

"Yes Stan, I cleaned it all at home before running it through this water," Cartman lied, before suggesting: "If you're that much of a neat freak fag, there's showers in the fucking locker rooms after, alright?"

Whether he was telling the truth or not, Stan just grabbed the treasure - figuring it wasn't worth the effort starting an argument over something like that right now, and once he was wearing a few necklaces, bracelets, and carrying two sculptures got in the water and began swimming back with Cartman following. The boys both made sure to be extra-careful on their return journey, and made it back to Cartman's tunnel without any problems (or at least in Cartman's case, no fatal problems), and the fat boy led the way back up before opening the door to the disabled bathroom.

"Oh my god, oh thank god we made it Stan," Cartman panted as he collapsed on the tiled floor: "Remind me to wear sandals next time or something."

"I hear ya, my feet are killing me from walking on all that rock," Stan agreed while rubbing his bare soles, "I'm sure glad that part's over with, but how are we gonna get this stuff to the locker rooms? What if the lifeguard sees us?"

"Dude, I didn't even see a lifeguard when I dragged you in here, but good point. We can't be both walking around with this bling in our hands, it'll look suspicious even if there's not many people here. Hmmm... I'll handle this part dude, you just make sure no-one notices me."

"What, like, distract people or something?"

"Duh, but you might not even need to, just pretend you're a kid in the pool for starters."

"Wow dude, I sure don't know if I'll be able to pull that off."

"Dude, no-one likes a Sarcy Sam, alright Stan? Just go out there and I'll give you the signal when I leave this bathroom. Use any means necessary to make sure that no-one sees me, but even if they do... they're not going to notice a thing."

The black-haired boy turned around before he left: "Wait, you're not gonna try something stupid like eating it again are you Cartman?"

"No hippie, ah learned my lesson last time, and I'm not shoving it up my ass either if you were wondering, that shit takes too long, I have something better planned."

"Alright, well, whatever it is, good luck."

"You too Stan."

The thinner 9-year-old left Cartman to it, with no-one noticing his sudden appearance poolside. Stan took his time in walking over to the diving board as he took stock of his surroundings - just a lifeguard on his chair in a nearby corner and a couple of old ladies slowly swimming lengths at the other end. The boy jumped in, glad at least to wash off any hint of Cartman's crap that may or may not have found its way onto his body, and swum around the lifeguard's area while he waited for the fat kid to emerge.

After a few minutes, Stan leaned at the pool's edge as he saw Cartman's head in the distance popping out from a door, and while he returned the brown-haired kid's thumbs-up signal, Stan's hand quickly went into a nosebridgepinch as he saw the fat boy slowly waddle out of the bathroom.

A few seconds was enough for him to notice that Cartman's red shorts stretched out wider than his stomach (if that was even possible), with a clear uneven bulge around his waistline where the gold was being hoarded, and would be pretty obvious if anyone spotted him. Stan muttered something to himself and sighed before doing the only thing he could think of to provide enough of a distraction for his dumbass of a friend.

Shutting his eyes, the black-haired boy quickly took a half-mouthful of pool water to make his act more convincing, before dropping his head under and thrashing up and down at the surface. As expected, the lifeguard noticed and dived in to swiftly drag the boy out to safety and laid him on the tiled floor, with the hard pumps on his chest enough to make him spit the excess water out.

The 9-year-old made sure that coughing and deep breathing could be heard before mouth-to-mouth could be attempted, and kept his eyes shut for over a minute with slow breathing to let the onlooker (who had been joined by the two concerned elderly women) know that he was recovering by himself.

After sitting up and rubbing his eyes open, Stan looked across the pool area and saw no Cartman around, so just listened to the concerned man with a hand on his shoulder: "You okay now son, you could have drowned just then."

The boy had now got back to his normal breathing rate, but it was still a genuinely frightening experience for him, even if he had set it up on purpose: "*cough cough* Yeah, I guess so, I just swallowed a bit of water, and I have asthma, so..."

"It's okay kid, I understand. What about that bruise?"

"*cough* Un... unrelated."

"Fine. You need anything, or you just wanna sit here for a few?"

Before Stan could answer, he heard an unmistakable voice calling after him in the background: "Stan! Stan! Oh mah god!"

As Cartman approached, it was clear that he knew what really happened, as he rushed in to hug Stan for dramatic effect: "Holy crap dude, it's okay, you're safe now man,"

The old women cooed over the display of 'friendship', as Cartman continued to the lifeguard: "Don't worry sir, I'll take care of him now, make sure he gets home safe, he's with friends now, thanks for your help, god bless you sir, all of you, my friend is alive!"

The lifeguard shrugged and went back to his post, as the fat boy helped his friend up and walked alongside him towards the locker rooms. "I gotta give you credit dude, I wouldn't have thought you had the balls to do something like that, pretty good faking there Stan."

The thinner boy glared and hissed: "I didn't have a choice, and I was only half-faking dumbass, once I started it felt pretty real and fucking terrifying, especially after swallowing water. Don't... ever... make me do something like that ever again... ever."

"So I'm a dumbass am I? I'm not the one who decided to drown myself on purpose while knowing he has fucking asthma."

The black-haired boy grinned a little as they each stood under a shower: "Oh yeah? I wouldn't have had to if you didn't look so stupid. I'd never even think of stuffing treasure down my shorts, your idea was really that retarded."

Cartman raised an eyebrow: "Really? Cause that 'retarded plan' just worked, the treasure is safe in that sack and ready to be traded to the Derkas."

"So long as I don't have to hold any of it, no-one would if they knew what that stuff has been touching."

"I don't care, those Derkas can suck mah balls... oh wait, they'll be doing something similar anyway if they drink out this cup. Ha-hahaha."

Stan grunted in agreement before leaving the shower area a minute later when an idea popped into his head. Hoping that the fatter 9-year-old wouldn't follow him for the short time he needed, he headed straight for the only hook on the wall that was being used aside from his own, rummaging through the pockets of the plus-sized clothes and collecting as much cash as he was owed.

With Cartman seeming to have $15 on him anyway before his earlier theft, Stan just took $40 in paper for the time being, but just as he thought he was in the clear, heard an angry voice behind him. "Ay! Da fuck you think you're doing, hippie? Your clothes are over there."

Stan hid the notes behind his back: "Err... nothing, fatass, I was just..."

"Don't even try to lie to me Stan, you know as well as I do you just won't win."

"Dude, it's nothing!" the blue-shorted boy attempted, but after getting a long and menacing staredown from his friend he thought it easier to confess: "Alright fine, I was getting back the money you stole earlier, happy?"

"No! I took that money from you first, and I've owned it for like, 2 hours now, so it's mah propertyah, not yours. What makes you think you deserve it?"

"'Cause it's mine dipshit! I actually saved up that money, unlike some people, and I've had to put up with most of your bullshit today apart from the last half-hour when you've been pretty cool to me, until, oh yeah, I almost drowned just now covering your stupid ass!"

"I didn't ask for you to do that Stan, that drowning thing was all you. I admit it was an awesome idea, but you could have found another way to distract everyone. You're still just pissed off cause you had a little trouble breathing, that's all, you've had your fun, now hand back the money... or else."

The black-haired boy's eyes narrowed under his still-dripping black hair as he crossed his arms. He was not going to lose his money again. "Or else what?"

Cartman hadn't anticipated this, he usually had a plan for these situations, so thinking quickly he went over to Stan's belongings and looked through the wetbag: "Or else, or else... I'll take your underwear," he started while pulling something white out of the bag: "and I'll rub it in this wet floor nyah, see how you like to walk around like that all day."

"Dude don't do that, and I'm standing right next to your clothes, I can give as good as I get on this one. Seriously Cartman, just... just let me have this one, alright. There's only $40 here, 10 less than you owe me... so I'll just take the 40 and we can forget this all ever happened, the swimming and part of the KFC can be my treat. Oh, but you can pay for anything else we buy today unless its an emergency or something."

"Pfft, did that chlorine hit your brain and make you retarded or something Stan? You think after all that I'd just let you have it?"

Stan thought about it for a few seconds, and decided to use a technique that his best friend came up with once: "Yes Cartman, I do, because I'm your friend and hopefully you realise what you did earlier was a total dick move, especially at a time like this. To be honest, though, I can almost forget about the other shit you pulled today now, 'cause this treasure thing is an awesome idea, that's why I'm happy to pay for the swim tickets, 'cause I'm proud to have a friend that can come up with really smart ideas like this sometimes."

"Eh... uuu... ugh, fahne! Keep your stupid money, ah don't care," Cartman half-shouted as he threw the clothing towards its owner's face.

Stan decided not to brag about his small victory in case the fat kid changed his mind, simply grinning as he walked over to his bag to dry off and get dressed. That money couldn't buy him a brother, but at least it might help him create good memories with the next-best thing, just as long as Cartman's 'treasure plan' worked...

A/N: Correct me if you think I'm wrong, but that might have been the first chapter to have Cartman acting 'nice' almost the whole way through (or at least as nice as he can be, I did say almost).

Like I mentioned before, this was the second part of the previous chapter, I split it in two for length reasons. The idea came from The Simpsons episode 'O Brother, Where Bart Thou' (obvious from the references), I kinda see Stan and Bart as similar in some ways (not just the South Park joke in that episode) and this is probably something they'd both feel the same about.

Like Stan pointed out, he's technically the only one in his group of friends without a brother. Again, the original characters were just a way to get this part going.

Hopefully you understand the references (kinda obvious nods to the kids in other animated shows that suffer from brotherlessness), the 'why' comes from some of my other stories ('With Hate, The CIA' for the train thing, and 'Slippery Slope' for how Bart could have ended up talking to Stan at some point). This chapter must also be the most times Bob's Burgers has ever been referenced on FanFiction (twice), seriously amazed there are no stories for it on this site, although knowing the stuff that shows up on the South Park pages it would end up being some wierd Tina/Louise 'erotic friendfiction' thing or something...

Next chapter name votes are also online, with these ones giving the biggest-ever clue to what (or who) is coming next, just don't expect it any time soon (part of this story had to be posted today, if you've been paying attention). The choices for the title are 'Two Stans, No Decent Plans', or 'Secret Agent Smith'. I make this way too easy don't I...