Hello, fellow fanfictioners!

This is the second story that I have had the pleasure to upload. Don't worry, Forbidden Tomatoes will be updated with a second chapter, but this just had to be written down. Thank you for all the wonderful reviews! I hope this one will be met with the same amount of enthusiasm. Enjoy!

I don't own Hetalia Axis Powers, nor the wonderful artwork used as the cover.

"You have reached the Ex-traction Trio. Who's your stalker?" Yep, that's us. The Ex-traction Trio. You have a creepy ex-boyfriend with a personal space problem? How about a freaky ex-girlfriend that has recently discovered the combination to the lock on your bedroom door, the lock installed after you dumped said crazy female? That's where we come in. We are, simply, a group of three guys equipped with the skills to help all you Dumpers with your vengeful Dumpees.

"My sister has become quite...umm, affectionate towards me." Uh oh, not another sibling catastrophe. We just had one of these last week with a enthusiastically touchy-feely South Korean and his stingy Chinese brother; talk about awkward.

''We completely understand. How serious is the issue?'' Common procedure: discover the severity of the stalking, assess different solutions to the problem, and then take action. A piece of cake, in our not-so-professional opinion. However, the sudden crash over the phone and the ominous whisperings that followed were completely unexpected. "Marry me. Marry me. Marry me. MARRY ME, BROTHER DEAR!"

"Amigo, run for tu vida!''

''Get your unawesome ass outta there!''

''For the love of l'amour, I fear for your sanity!"

We are afraid to say that the poor fellow was never able to take into account such wise words of advice. A strange crackling was all that remained of the phone call, as if someone had taken a large knife and murdered the defenseless telephone.

"Well, that was certainly unexpected,'' one of us voiced, and the others quickly agreed. This was a Code 2 matter, one requiring a fair amount of caution and quick response. ''Code 2?'' you ask. Our apologies for not explaining the Scale of the Ex earlier. This ingenious and most brilliant Scale of the Ex has been established as the following:

Code 1: A mild case of Ex vengeance, with the victim merely being pursued by the Ex. There are no serious concerns, just an overly nosy Ex to eliminate.
Violence: None
State of Ex: Unable to let go of the fact that they were Dumped, and still wishes to reunite with former partner. Feelings of depression and very slight anger.
Recommended Solution: Bring Dumper and Dumpee together to discuss relationship. A simple heart-to-heart talk may clear up the issue. If this is not the case, physical restraining of the Ex is acceptable.

Code 2: A more serious case of Ex vengeance, with the victim being both stalked and hassled by the Ex. There are possible concerns, such as mild sexual harassment and/or abuse.
Violence: Lesser attacks with minor injuries sustained
State of Ex: Possessive over Dumper; has delusions of ownership over Dumper. Thinking as if Dumper is merely denying his or her love for Ex. Denial of rejection, perhaps due to unpleasant past experiences. Feelings of anger, protectiveness, and lust.
Recommended Solution: Quickly restrain Ex and use any means necessary to rid Ex of delusions. Once understanding of situation, Ex will generally let of repressed anger. If this is not the case, the use of certain influential techniques is acceptable.

Code 3: The most serious case of Ex vengeance, with the victim being forced through a personal hell at the Ex's command. Murder is possibly imminent if not taken care of immediately.
Violence: Mental or physical torture with major injuries sustained
State of Ex: Could be subject to mental illness or severe amorality. No concern for humanity, for Dumper is just a plaything in the hands of a puppeteer. Severe rage over rejection, causing Ex to inflict as much pain on Dumper as physically possible. Feelings of extreme hatred, sadistic pleasure, and brutality.
Recommended Solution: Retrieve Dumper from hands of Ex and call police. Such a severe case is out of the hands of the Ex-termination Trio, and should be given to those of a higher authority.

Many of the victims who call are within the Code 1 category, but quite a few others meet the Code 2 criteria. We have yet to see a Code 3, and would prefer to keep it that way.

"Ex-traction Trio. Awesomeness personified speaking. Who's the unawesome creeper?'' The derogatory term for the Ex tended to change, depending on who got to the phone first. This one was...well, let's just say that the other members try to get to the phone before this particular egotistical idiot.

Pause.''...Dammit, wrong number." Whoever was on the line quickly hung up.

''You self-proclaiming idiota! You just lost us a customer!''

''But he just said wrong number! Dummkopf, it was just a mistake!"

"Sacre Bleu, he hung up because of your moronic narcissism!'' However, the petty squabbling was soon broken up by the telephone ringing once more. This time, one of the other members, not the egotistical imbecile, ran to the phone to answer.

"Ex-traction Trio speaking. Who's the savage yet passionate pursuer of l'amour that should be eradicated?''

Another pause. "Mio Dio, you're creepy too. Isn't this group supposed to get rid of stalkers? 'Cause the two brainless twits who picked up the damned phone the last two times sure as hell sounded like creeps to me." The third and more sensible* of the trio then stole the call from his companions, trying to salvage the prospect of yet an additional client. "I'm terribly sorry for the inconveniences of the others. We really do want to offer our assistance in this situation " The client snorted over the connection, but the Trio member was not so easily discouraged. "Quiero ayudar, mi amigo''

"Imbecille. I'm Italian, not freakin' Spanish," the voice mocked, "But I'll pretend to understand what the hell you just said and move on." Here the voice, we assume male, hesitated as if in doubt. A resigned sigh from over the phone then broke the deafening silence. ''I have a stalker.''

''Well, no offense, dude, but we kinda figured that,'' the egotistical idiot piped in.

"Oui, monsieur, he does bring up a valid point. We are a stalker-extermination trio, after all." By this time, the call was put on speaker, making all these demeaning comments from the trio's peanut gallery plainly audible to the client.

''Oi, stuff it, Frenchie. All I want is to do is to castrate this sucker of an Ex, but I already have enough problems to deal with right now. So, just get rid of this guy, capisci?'' The voice was harsh and demanding, but a tone of slight uncertainty wove its way into the male's words.

The trio glanced at each other with silent inquisition. The sensible one with the phone still cradled it in his hand shrugged and gave a half-hearted grin of acceptance, while the narcissistic moron enthusiastically threw the others a thumbs-up. The third, more flamboyant of the three seemed to contemplate the male's plight with deep concentration before chuckling and holding up his hands in a gesture of surrender. ''We agree with your request, mon lapin. We will help you with this stalker of yours"

''Really?" the voice asked, barely betraying the sound of hope. "I mean, of course you would, assholes.''

"Fantástico,'' the Spaniard breathed. ''Now all we have to do is determine the severity of your case-" But the voice had already hung up, yet again pulling the trio into a pit of despair.

"Now what the crap are goin' to do? We have no idea what this freaky Ex is capable of!''

''I'm sure its perfectly alright, my dear. We are quite able to handle such a case, for it's most likely a Code 1 or possibly a Code 2 situation. Code 3 Exes are handled by the police; people never come to us about that.'' The male flipped his blond locks and turned to the third member. "Am I right, my silent friend? You are still holding the phone. He's hung up, you know."

The addressed man suddenly started as if waking from a daydream of bountiful tomato fields. He weakly laughed as he scratched the back of his neck in embarrassment. ''I know, it's just.." his words trailed off as he placed the phone back onto its receiver. "Do you guys mind if I work on this case alone?'' The other two drew back in surprise, but the man held his hand up to stop any attempts of interruption. ''I know that such a split of the trio is unprecedented, but we also have that other sibling matter. We can't afford to get behind.''

The egotist propped his feet on the coffee table in utter disinterest. "Sure, dude. Whatever floats your boat. As long as I get to use my awesome fighting skills to beat the crap outta somebody." The blonde, however, looked quite disconcerted with the present arrangements. ''Are you completely sure, mon cher? It could be dangerous flying solo, especially when the Code has not been addressed.''

The other brightly grinned, his smile lighting the dismal aura surrounding his French friend. "I'll be fine. You worry too much.''

"Well," the distressed man conceded, albeit reluctant still, ''if you insist.'' He grabbed the ''awesome'' friend from the patent leather couch and shooed him out the door, calling behind him. "Adieu, mon ami! Stay safe, and stay single!" He winked seductively before softly closing the door to the world of the city. Muffled cries reverberated against the windows, no doubt the protests of the blonde's new hostage. ''See ya, sucker! Don't kick too much ass without me! Ow, let go of me, dummkopf!''

The last remaining member of the trio lightly chortled at his friends' antics before gathering his coat and preparing to leave on his mission as well. Emerald eyes fell upon the plain black telephone, and the joyous expression faded from his face as sunshine is hidden by a rebellious cloud. Something isn't quite right about this case. His voice seemed...distant somehow, as if he were trying to detach himself from the pain by creating a facade of ill-temper. I know that such a case is going to be at least a 2, or possibly a 3-quite the challenge. Such thoughts swirled around in the man's mind, but he refused to let petty worries weaken his resolve. Steeling his nerves, he walked through the entryway to the bright, bustling life of the city. As he locked the door behind him, the man could only feel as if some part of himself was being locked away as well. Perhaps this voice might have the key to relieve me of this suffering.

And so the Ex-termination Trio departed to their different destinations, each contemplating a matter of importance. The egotistical idiot attempted to calculate the number of beer bottles he could possibly fit under his bed without his brother's notice, while his more ostentatious companion sought the perfect way to woo that one pretty female across the street. The last, more cheerful male had his mindset focused on that particular victim with a habit of overusing profanity in everyday conversation. All three are formidable foes of the malevolent Ex. All three are on a mission.

Their name is The Bad Touch Trio.

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Just in case you were wondering.

*When compared to his friends, Antonio is the sensible one of the Bad Touch Trio. While Francis is occupied with wooing all the women he can find and Gilbert is intoxicated with beer, Antonio is calmly assessing the situation. Even though he may not be able to read the atmosphere, he is very good at focusing on the current mission.

I hope you enjoyed this first chapter. I have a lot in store, so don't go just yet. Reviews would be lovely! I would love to hear any input, mistakes, or advice to improve this story. You are just a click away from making this author very happy.

Ciao!