TITLE: Nobody Wants To Read A Story About Two Lesbian Princesses
SPOILERS: I'm calling this Mega AU. No spoilers to be had.

NOTES: Believe it or not, this story stemmed from a Civil Wars song. It originally had a different direction and then… well. It's kind of ridiculous. It was supposed to be done for Faberry Week, day 1: Fairy Tales.

The forty-five minute drive from the airport feels like a dream after the hell she's endured trying to get from London back to New York. It's almost midnight and her body is trying to tell her that she should have been asleep hours ago – she would have been asleep hours ago if her flight had left on time (which it hadn't) and if her suitcase had made it onto the right carousel at the airport (which, of course, it hadn't). Luckily, the queue at the taxi rank had been short and she'd found herself slouching down into the backseat of a cab within moments.

She pulls her phone out of her coat pocket, not expecting to find any messages or phone calls, and sighs with relief. Nothing. No news is good news right now. Quinn's sole focus is getting home, falling into bed and sleeping until someone forces her to wake up.

"What number?" the driver asks, meeting Quinn's eye in the rearview mirror.

"Eighteen-twelve," she replies, gesturing down the block on the left.

During the four weeks and three days she's been gone, her neighbourhood has transformed itself into a winter wonderland; lights are strung around the trees that line the street, lit-up reindeer are prancing across rooftops, snowmen families stand protectively in gardens and, as they draw to a stop, Quinn smiles at the sight of her house where a beautiful holly wreath hangs on the door and faint twinkling lights from their Christmas tree can be seen behind the blinds in the lounge.

She pays the driver and retrieves her suitcase from the trunk before making her way up the carefully shovelled path. It takes her a minute to find her keys and when she unlocks the door, she's greeted by their sleepy guard dog, a golden Labrador called Fiyero, who would sooner lick her to death than actually raise any sort of alarm.

"Hey boy," she says quietly, scratching behind his ears. He nudges his nose against her knee before trotting back to the lounge where the lights are still on and a hushed conversation is taking place. Quinn slides her coat off and hangs it on the stand beside the door before bending to slip off her boots. With a groan, she stretches out her feet and rolls her shoulders a couple of times, feeling a couple of joints pop.

She pads into the lounge, ready to chastise her wife for staying up this late but finds her curled up, fast asleep on the couch. The television is turned down low – It's A Wonderful Life is coming to an end – and the embers in the fireplace are almost out. Quinn crosses to the hearth and places another log on, coaxing the fire back to life before turning towards to the figure on the couch.

With a smile, she reaches for the blanket that's slipped away from her wife's sleeping form and, after placing a kiss first to the brunette's stomach then to her temple, covers her up to her shoulder. The other woman doesn't stir and Quinn decides to leave her be until she's heading upstairs to bed.

After making herself a cup of cocoa, Quinn settles on the floor in front of the couch, wrapping herself in another blanket, a product of her mother's Wednesday evening knitting circle, and picks up the book that has slipped from her wife's hand. Her fingertips skim over the cover before she opens the book to the first page.

"Marley was dead: to begin with," Quinn murmurs. "What a cheerful story to read to our child, Rach." Quinn tosses the book to one side, eyeing the stack of books next to the end table. "Ah," Quinn says, grabbing one near the top. "This is more like it. A princess, a prince, an evil witch…" Quinn turns so that her face is level with Rachel's bump. "You should know though, that fairy tales don't always have to turn out like that." With a quick glance up at Rachel's face, Quinn smirks slightly. "Your mom and I definitely have a different kind of fairy tale. I'm guessing she hasn't told you that one yet."

Quinn drains her cocoa and, feeling slightly more awake, presses her palm gently against Rachel's stomach.

"It begins with two princesses from two very different kingdoms," Quinn says, all traces of the embarrassment she'd felt the first time she'd spoken to Rachel's midsection are long gone. "The first princess, Princess Rachel, lived in a castle deep in the woods with her fathers: two generous and kind kings who were adored by everyone in their kingdom. Princess Rachel was as kind as her fathers and spent her days helping in the castle grounds or teaching the children in the local village how to sing and dance." Quinn shifts slightly, stretching out her legs. "Across all the kingdoms, everyone knew about Princess Rachel's voice. There were rumours that it could cure the sick and bring warring villages to peace."

"The second princess, a taller, smarter princess called Quinn," Quinn glances at Rachel's face again, waiting for the brunette to open her eyes and chastise her. Rachel stays fast asleep though, making no indication that she's heard anything that Quinn has said so far. "She lived with her parents and her sister high in the mountains in a castle protected by a moat and guards. Princess Quinn liked to explore outside the castle grounds and would go wandering far into the woods, climbing trees and meeting all kinds of weird and wonderful creatures. But her father, an evil and tyrannical king called Russell, was afraid that someone would kidnap his daughter. He wished and wished for Princess Quinn to be more like her older sister, Princess Olivia, who was already betrothed to a brave knight, a dragon slayer."

"One day, Princess Quinn ventured too far into the woods and couldn't find her way back to the castle. She wandered lost and alone until the sun disappeared and she had no choice but to sleep in the woods. Princess Quinn knew that her father and mother would be angry and started to worry about the punishments her father would give her. As she was drifting off to sleep, covered in a blanket of branches and leaves, she heard a voice… a beautiful voice. Princess Quinn knew immediately that she had to find the owner of the voice for they might know the way back to her castle, even if she didn't really want to go back."

Quinn pauses to adjust her blanket, pulling it tighter around her body.

"She went deeper into the woods, shouting for the girl to show herself until she came upon a small cottage that she'd never seen before. Princess Quinn knocked on the door and waited for the girl to answer. A young man opened the door, surprised at having a visitor arrive so late at night. She explained that she was lost and a long way from home and that she had heard singing."

"The boy, sensing no danger, told her to come in, to rest a while. Princess Quinn thanked the stranger and found herself in a cosy room full of ornate furniture. The boy introduced himself as Kurt, the carpenter's son. Upon learning the visitor's name, he immediately sank into a low bow. Embarrassed, Princess Quinn waved away his offerings of food and water and instead enquired about the source of the singing. He called for Rachel and a girl appeared from one of the other rooms in the house."

"Kurt introduced Princess Quinn to the girl who instantly recognised the name and curtseyed and introduced herself as Rachel. Princess Rachel, Kurt insisted, causing Princess Quinn to narrow her eyes. Princess Rachel was the only daughter of the kings who lived deep in the woods, the kings who her father described as 'different'. A bad kind of different. Princess Quinn knew she'd be in far greater trouble for spending time with this girl and made to leave the cottage but at Kurt and Princess Rachel's insistence that the wood was a treacherous place to be at this hour, she decided to stay. She would leave as soon as dawn broke. Princess Rachel promised to show the other princess the quickest way to the border of their kingdoms and this placated Princess Quinn enough to allow her to sleep a little."

"True to Princess Rachel's word, the two princesses set off as soon as the sun broke over the horizon and in silence they walked through the woods, a journey that Princess Quinn realised she could never have made on her own in the dark. Princess Rachel was unaccustomed to silence and started to sing. Princess Quinn remained silent, in too much awe to interrupt the beautiful sound."

"By noon, they reached the border and, in the distance, Princess Quinn could see the castle towers high above the trees. Princess Rachel sensed that the other girl didn't want to return home and invited her to visit her fathers' castle whenever she wanted. Princess Quinn knew that her parents would never allow it but didn't want to be rude to the girl who had so readily offered her help so she promised that she'd come down the mountain again soon."

The clock on the mantelpiece chimes twelve times indicating the start of a new day but sleep is now the last thing on Quinn's mind. She sits up a little straighter and tries to decide what part of the tale to tell next, her imagination going into overdrive.

"Princess Quinn reached the drawbridge a little before dinnertime, weary and dirty from her journey through the woods. She shouted for the guards to let the bridge down and at last, they did. However, she wasn't greeted by the guards. Her mother, Queen Judy, was waiting but she didn't look angry or upset. In fact, she was happier than Princess Quinn had seen her in years. She immediately led her youngest daughter to her rooms to wash and dress. They had visitors arriving for dinner and it was vitally important that Princess Quinn look her absolute best."

"Despite the princess' protestations that she needed to nap and that she wasn't well enough to entertain guests, Queen Judy told her that she had a duty to be there. Princess Quinn knew that sulking and arguing would get her nowhere so she followed her mother to the dining room where their guests were deep in conversation with her father and older sister. Upon Queen Judy and Princess Quinn's arrival, the guests were introduced. They had journeyed from a faraway kingdom, high in the north. Princess Quinn wondered why anyone would make such a lengthy voyage to visit their kingdom. After all, her parents were not renowned for their hospitality."

"However, the intention of the visitors was soon revealed and Princess Quinn found herself the subject of an arrangement: she would be marrying the son of the visitors, Prince Finn, a strapping young man who said little. In her absence, Princess Quinn's future had been decided for her and she'd be leaving the kingdom she'd called home as soon as the wedding had been organised."

"Disgusted, Princess Quinn ran from the table to hide in her room, making plans to leave at once. She'd return to the woods and find the carpenter's cottage. She'd make a home for herself amongst the trees and never return to the castle. As darkness was falling, she sneaked from her room to the stables where Noah, her most trusted confidante, was tending to the horses. She told him that she needed to escape, that she couldn't marry a prince she didn't know, that she couldn't leave the place she'd grown up in to go to a faraway place where she had no friends and no family. Noah promised that he'd help the princess escape if that was what she truly wanted. They arranged to meet in the western-most point of the grounds, where Noah's friend guarded the moat, just before dawn."

"Their plan worked and Princess Quinn fled into the wilderness. At first, she tried to go back to the carpenter's cottage but couldn't find the right paths to lead the way. Disconcerted, she decided to follow a stream, hoping that she'd find somewhere to shelter through the night. The sun was beginning to set when she heard a familiar voice and her hopes lifted. Princess Rachel was close by. She pushed on through the trees, breaking branches in her rush to find the girl but in her haste, she tripped over some roots and fell to the ground."

"Princess Rachel heard the commotion and hurried back to offer her assistance, shocked to find the source of the noise was Princess Quinn. She helped the other girl to her feet, brushing the dirt off Princess Quinn's cloak, and offered to help her back to the border, assuming that the other girl had gotten lost. Again."

"Slightly offended, Princess Quinn assured that Princess Rachel that she wouldn't be returning to her kingdom ever again, that she'd run away and would be living amongst the trees and the animals in the woods for the foreseeable future. Worrying that Princess Quinn had sustained a blow to her head when she'd fallen, Princess Rachel insisted that the other girl come to her castle. They had guest quarters that Princess Quinn would find much more comfortable than the forest floor. "

"Too tired and sore to argue, Princess Quinn allowed herself to be led into the grounds of the castle deep in the woods and was immediately charmed by how different it was to her parents'. King Hiram and King Leroy welcomed Princess Quinn into their home and, despite their reservations about their daughter's choice of houseguest, they were enchanted by how well-mannered and beautiful Princess Quinn was."

Quinn casts her eyes up to Rachel's face again, certain that if her wife is awake and listening, she would surely object. After all, none of their parents had been overly enthusiastic when they'd sat down with Judy, Hiram and Leroy to tell them about their burgeoning romance all of those Christmases ago. But Rachel remains quiet, her breathing deep and even. Shrugging slightly, Quinn continues her story.

"Though Princess Quinn was sure that Princess Rachel and her parents would ask her why she had run away, they never questioned her. They continued in their daily routines as though Princess Quinn had always been there. She walked with Princess Rachel to the market where they were greeted by every person they met, to the school where Princess Quinn joined in a music lesson and to the carpenter's house where Kurt offered them the best cake she'd ever tasted."

"A week after Princess Quinn had run away, the two princesses were out picking berries just outside the castle walls. Princess Rachel was singing, as usual, and Princess Quinn kept finding herself distracted by the beautiful melody. Princess Rachel caught her staring more than once and eventually asked Princess Quinn if there was something wrong, if she should sing a different song. Princess Quinn admitted that it probably wouldn't make any difference and asked if Princess Rachel had always been able to sing so exquisitely."

"Princess Rachel revealed that when she was a young girl, her father, King Leroy, had fallen from his horse whilst riding in the forest. He'd been found and carried back to the castle where the town's doctor had tried to help as much as he could but nothing could wake the king. Distraught, Princess Rachel had been visited by her fairy godmother who bestowed upon her the power to heal the sick with her voice."

"Princess Quinn scoffed for she'd been raised to believe that fairy godmothers were a fanciful creation. To prove her abilities, Princess Rachel took the other princess' hand in her own and cut it with a sharp piece of stone. Blood trickled out of the cut and Princess Quinn stared in horror as it became worse and worse until Princess Rachel began to sing. At once, the cut healed over and no mark was left on Princess Quinn's palm."

"After Princess Quinn inspected her hand, wiping away the blood, she noticed that Princess Rachel looked upset. She hugged the other girl and asked what was wrong. Princess Rachel said that her gift was both a blessing and a curse for while she could heal the sick, and had healed her father, neither King Leroy or King Hiram could hear her sing now. Princess Rachel warned Princess Quinn against calling upon the services of her own fairy godmother, that no gift went without consequence."

"The tale of Princess Rachel's gift troubled Princess Quinn so much that she found she couldn't sleep that night and ended up in King Leroy's library, trying to find a book that she hoped would help her fall asleep. On her way back to the guest quarters, she noticed that light was flickering beneath Princess Rachel's door and wasted no time in knocking to make sure that the other girl was okay. No answer came but when Princess Quinn pushed on the door, it opened. The other princess was curled up in bed, lost in her thoughts and hadn't heard Princess Quinn's knock. It was clear to Princess Quinn that Princess Rachel was still upset about their earlier conversation so she sat down on the bed to console the other girl, though she had no idea what she could say to make anything better."

"Eventually, they fell asleep and in the morning, Princess Quinn fled the room before Princess Rachel could wake up. She decided that she would leave the castle soon and find somewhere else to live. She was spending too much time with the other princess and it was starting to make her feel something; something that she wasn't sure she was allowed to feel. It was definitely something that her parents would disapprove of. After breakfast, Princess Rachel asked the other girl why she had left so early in the morning. She could sense that Princess Quinn was uncomfortable and tried to reassure her that there was nothing wrong with what she was feeling."

"Princess Quinn wasn't convinced and continued in her plans to leave the castle. She would go that very night while everyone else was asleep. Meanwhile, she followed Princess Rachel to the market and to the school and to Kurt's house. As usual, Princess Rachel disappeared into one of the back rooms of the small cottage while Princess Quinn and Kurt sat outside. Kurt set to work on carving out a chair. Princess Quinn sat in the shade beneath a tree and watched him chip and chisel away while Princess Rachel's voice filled the air around them. Without asking, Princess Quinn knew that Kurt's father was ill. Princess Rachel sang to him every day but never revealed to the other princess what was wrong."

"On their way back to the castle that evening, Princess Quinn was working up the courage to ask about Kurt's father when the sound of horses caused them both to stop. Recognising the mark of her kingdom on their flanks, Princess Quinn was instantly stricken and started to run, yelling at Princess Rachel to get back to the castle. The guards caught Princess Quinn easily and carried her back to their kingdom where she was locked in a tower, the highest tower. There would be no escape. No-one visited her except for the person who pushed a paltry tray of food through a slot in the door at mealtimes, which the princess could barely stomach. Princess Quinn shouted and yelled and cursed until she was blue in the face but no-one ever came for her."

"At night, curled up on the freezing floor beneath her cloak, Princess Quinn's thoughts turned to Princess Rachel. She wondered if the other girl was trying to get to her. There would be no way for her to get into the castle and definitely nothing that she or her fathers could say to ensure Princess Quinn's release. An ache started to form in her heart, a feeling that she'd never experienced before, and deduced that not seeing the other princess was the cause. She dreamed of hearing Princess Rachel sing and laugh again and, more often than not, the night that they'd spent curled up together in Princess Rachel's bed."

Quinn pauses for a moment, remembering her own first night in Rachel's bed: an evening of movies and confessions and first kisses. Quinn had almost bolted the following morning but it had been Rachel's hand on her wrist that had stopped her, a questioning look in the brunette's eyes. Rachel had kissed Quinn's fears and trepidations away before making the blonde forget them completely.

Forgetting about the fairy tale for a few seconds, Quinn runs her teeth over her bottom lip as the memory of Rachel pressed flush against her body fills her mind, insistent fingers roaming all over her skin and a pair of lips that had driven her to the brink of insanity. Cheeks colouring, she shakes her head and finds her place in the story once more.

"After another restless night in which Princess Rachel's voice had haunted her dreams, Princess Quinn called out for her fairy godmother, ready to accept whatever consequences would come from her wish. She needed to be free of the tower and her parents and her kingdom. She needed to see Princess Rachel again."

"A woman appeared dressed in the strangest cloak Princess Quinn had ever seen," Quinn's mouth quirks into a smile as she imagines her former coach as a fairy tale character. "A long lime green cloak with three distinctive stripes along the edges and shoes that were made of leather, three more stripes emblazoned on the sides. The woman wasn't happy that she'd been called to the tower and grumbled about missing the end of a very important competition."

"At once, Princess Quinn demanded her freedom from the tower but the fairy godmother was reluctant to grant the girl's wish. She asked if Princess Quinn understood that there were consequences to every wish and that she should consider all of her options. Princess Quinn reminded the fairy that there were very little options for someone in her position. She would eventually freeze or starve to death in the tower."

"Her fairy godmother gave her a wicked smile and snapped her fingers. Instantly, they were transported to a familiar part of the woods and Princess Quinn realised that her fairy godmother had brought her close to Princess Rachel's castle. At once, Princess Quinn started down the path that would take her to the castle gates but was interrupted by her fairy godmother who asked if she wanted to know what the consequences of her wish were. Princess Quinn told her that she didn't want to know. She just wanted to get to the castle and see Princess Rachel."

"The fairy disappeared with another dire warning and Princess Quinn hurried towards the castle. The guards escorted her immediately to the entrance hall, not appearing to recognise her though she'd spoken with them mere days beforehand. Eventually, quick footsteps echoed from one of the corridors and Princess Rachel pulled up short at the sight of the other girl. With a gasp, she crossed the hall and wrapped her arms around the taller girl."

"Princess Quinn asked why the guards had not recognised her. After all, it had only been a few days since she'd been taken away. Princess Rachel shook her head and said that it was much longer, almost a year. Things had changed quickly after Princess Quinn had been captured: their fathers' were at war and alliances had been formed with other kingdoms, including one in the high north. A bargain had been struck and Princess Rachel would be marrying Prince Finn within the fortnight."

"Light-headed from this news and from her stay in the tower, Princess Quinn collapsed and awoke in the guest quarters, wondering if it had all been a dream. This had to be the consequence of her wish: finding herself in this bizarre future where Princess Rachel was betrothed and their kingdoms were at war. She tried calling for her fairy godmother again but no response came. Princess Rachel brought her breakfast and, without trying to be rude, asked Princess Quinn what her plans were. She couldn't stay at the castle. If the kingdom found out that they were concealing the daughter of their enemy, there would be more uproar."

"Princess Quinn said that her plan had been to ask for Princess Rachel's hand in marriage and that she would duel Prince Finn if necessary," Quinn grins, jumping to her feet and grabbing the poker from next to the fireplace. "Princess Quinn was skilled at duelling and knew that the prince would be no match…" Quinn thrusts the poker at an imaginary opponent before miming out an entire fight sequence.

She pulls up short when her eyes meet her wife's and she blushes furiously.

"Quinn, what are you doing?" Rachel asks sleepily before fixing the other woman with a bemused look. Her gaze flicks from the poker in Quinn's hand back to her wife's bright red face.

"I'm just telling our child the story of the two princesses," Quinn says, shrugging her shoulders. "And their crappy fairy godmothers and how Princess Quinn vanquished Prince Finn…" Quinn tails off when Rachel starts to giggle.

"You vanquished Finn? That's not what I recall happening," Rachel says, adjusting her blanket. "When did you get back? Why didn't you wake me up?"

Quinn glances at the clock and makes a face.

"Half an hour ago, maybe? And you looked so peaceful. I know you haven't been sleeping well so I figured I'd regale the bump with something other than Dickens," Quinn raises an eyebrow and points to the discarded book with the sharp end of the poker.

"She loves Dickens," Rachel says, shrugging her shoulders awkwardly before attempting to push herself into a sitting position. She glances up at Quinn to ask for help but finds her wife gaping back at her, open-mouthed and dumbfounded. "What?"

"You said she," Quinn whispers. Rachel frowns, forehead creasing as she replays what she's just said.

"No, I didn't," she says uncertainly.

"You said she," Quinn repeats, dropping the poker with a clatter to the floor before falling to her knees and shuffling to the sofa. "We're having a girl?"

The sex of their baby has been a closely guarded secret for over five months. Rachel hasn't told a soul, a feat that has been the subject of many bets between their friends and family. Cringing, Rachel bites down on her bottom lip and starts to nod.

A sort-of squeak erupts from Quinn's throat before she descends on Rachel, pressing her lips to the other woman's forehead, her nose, her cheeks, her jawline before their lips connect. Rachel gasps, clutching at the blanket-covered bump causing Quinn to break away, eyes wide with concern.

"What? Is she okay?"

"She's fine, she just kicked really hard," Rachel laughs. "I think she's missed you."

"Well, I missed her too," Quinn says, wiping away a couple of tears that have leaked onto her cheeks before linking her fingers with Rachel's to press against the bump. "And you. Of course."

Rachel blushes.

"I missed you too," Rachel says, bringing Quinn closer for another kiss. "We're firing your publicist if she schedules another book tour in my third trimester or this close to Christmas again. Grandpa Leroy has had to visit nearly every day to shovel that damn path."

"Consider her already gone. Although, I'm pretty sure it was your decision to ask them to move somewhere close by," Quinn rolls her eyes. "Have you noticed what time it is?" Rachel squints over Quinn's shoulder, eyes focusing on the clock on the mantelpiece.

"It's after midnight," she states. Quinn nods.

"Told you I'd be home for Christmas," she says, grinning down at her wife. "Merry Christmas."

"Merry Christmas," Rachel replies. "I suppose we should get to bed. Santa doesn't visit children who stay up too late."

"I told him to bring you coal anyway," Quinn shrugs before wincing when Rachel's hand slaps against her arm. "Come on, I'll tuck you and the bump in and finish up the rest of my next award-winning novel."

"Quinn, nobody wants to read a story about two lesbian princesses," Rachel sighs. Quinn makes a face, reaching out to pull Rachel up from the couch.

"They'd watch it if it was porn, though," Quinn muses causing her wife to laugh.

"You're in the wrong business, sweetie," Rachel says, heading towards the hallway while Quinn switches off all of the lights in the lounge.

"We got our happily ever after though, right?" Quinn calls after her. Rachel's face appears around the doorframe, a huge grin adorning her features.

"Yeah," she says, extending her hand out to her wife. "We did."