The other time the Colonel was ordered home…
by 80sarcades

Welcome, and thanks for reading! First of all, many thanks to everyone who reviewed Darkness...it was very much appreciated! I was trying to post two stories tonight, but RL, of course...:-(

This is just something a bit silly…I got the idea from the challenge list, though there was no specific list number for it. The guys do something a bit unusual to convince Hogan to stay when he is ordered home.

Disclaimer: Hogan's Heroes belongs to people richer than me. The original (before I modified it:-) song below was written/performed by Sonny Curtis; I just had a bit of fun with it. No peeking.

"You can't go home, Guv'nor," Newkirk bluntly – if not solemnly - announced.

A chorus of voices, accompanied by pleading eyes, assaulted Colonel Hogan even before he raised a hand to silence his men. It was not the first time they had had this argument. To be honest, the Senior POW couldn't blame them for trying; no one wanted to break up a winning team.

Then again, nothing lasted forever. Especially when yours truly held a one-line message from London – Papa Bear make immediate preparations for return to ZI - sending you home. Again.

"Like it or not, I've got orders," Hogan said firmly, ending the discussion. "What do you want me to do? Cancel them? "

"We're not saying you should, Colonel," Kinch rumbled, his tone almost emotionless. "It's just a shock, that's all."

"Well, what do you expect?" the officer exclaimed, leaping up from the table. "I wasn't expecting to go home! Especially after what happened the last time." He paced around the room, barely looking at his men as he considered the future. "Now I'll have to go to War Bond rallies," he mused openly. "Make speeches…"

"You'll probably get some free stuff out of it too," the black radioman said aloud, causing more than a few heads to swivel in his direction. "I heard on the radio last week that a couple of guys on one of those rallies were promised new cars once the war was over."

"No kidding!" Carter burst excitedly. "Boy, that'd be nice to look forward to when you got home." He paused as a thoughtful look crossed his face. "Wonder what else they'd give away?" he wondered.

"Who knows?" Newkirk casually shrugged his shoulders before a sly smile crossed his dour face. "But I can think of something that they'll have there for free."

"Women," LeBeau muttered, a dreamy look on his face. "Blondes, Brunettes…"

"And everything in between," the Englishman finished, a touch of envy in his voice. "Not to mention the heroes that'll be standing at the front of it all."

LeBeau made a motion with his hand in the direction of the overhead lightbulb. "Like moths to a flame," he commented warmly. Suddenly, without warning, the small man jumped up from his seat as another pleasant thought soundly struck him. "Do you think they would need a hero of France?" his voice, now eager, bounced off the walls. "If so, I volunteer!"

"Not bloody likely," a Cockney accent indignantly piped up even as its owner rose to his feet. "If anyone's representing good old England it's yours truly," Newkirk stated, his tone firm even as his glare pushed the Frenchman back. "The Yanks and us have this special relationship, you see—"

"It takes more than a special accent to be a hero," LeBeau retorted before dismissively shrugging his shoulders. "Fortunately, we French are modest. It's in our blood."

"Are you bloody serious?" the English Corporal flared, his eyes now throwing invisible daggers at his counterpart. "Your lot gets all excited about cooking a cake, much less anything else!"

"That's called passion," the Frenchman retorted, waving the accusation away. "Another thing you English wouldn't know anything about."

"Why, you…"

As the argument escalated, Carter turned to Kinchloe with a perplexed look on his face.

"I thought we were trying to talk the Colonel out of going?" he asked, his voice confused. Kinch sighed, then silently shook his head in despair. Before he could respond, the Senior POW raised his voice.

"All right, HOLD IT!" he yelled. The two combatants, still glaring, returned to their seats before the American officer spoke again. "It's settled," he said, his mind made up. "I'm-"

"Would you give us an opportunity to change your mind, sir?" Newkirk's accented – and now friendly –voice interrupted.

For a moment, Hogan was tempted to say 'no'; his mind was already made up. However, something in the Englishman's expression – he couldn't say exactly what – caused him to pause. From long experience, he knew the Corporal had something up his sleeve. Besides the two Aces he usually has up there, anyway.

But what?

He shrugged noncommittally. "I'm listening."

Newkirk turned towards the other men. "All right, lads," he declared sadly. "We've got no choice."

"But do we really have to?" LeBeau asked, his face dissolving into worry. "I mean…"

"Let's get on with it, shall we?" the Englishman interrupted in a soft voice, the earlier anger towards his friend gone. "And it was your idea, anyway." Without waiting for an answer, he then turned toward the Senior POW before flashing a showman's smile.

"Sir," he began, "if we convince you to stay on, will you do it?"

Hogan raised an eyebrow as he considered the question. After a moment, he nodded.

"Okay," he said, now curious. "What do you got?"

To Hogan's surprise, the wooden table in the center of the barracks was quickly moved toward the far end of the building. Once done, Carter and Kinchloe each took a spot behind their bunkmates in crime. Suddenly, the Frenchman made a small hand gesture; the two men in the back began to immediately hum a tune in unison.

Oh, no…

"And a one, two, and three," Newkirk muttered. Suddenly, LeBeau's smiling voice burst out into song:

Sung to the tune of "Love Is All Around" by Sonny Curtis
(Otherwise known as the 'Mary Tyler Moore' theme song)

Who can turn the world on with his smile?
Who can take a nothing day, and suddenly make all seem worthwhile?
Well it's you Colonel, and you should know it
Those plans and your smile really do show it

Bombs are down below, no need to waste them!
Let's blow something up and cause Hochstetter mayhem!
You're gonna stay here after all!

The Colonel, his jaw slack, watched dumbly as the four men completed the chorus. Suddenly, Newkirk's voice carried the next stanza.

If you go, we'll lose a Colonel with style
Crittendon will come right back, and we'll be crying all the while
We'll go insane under that idiot
We'll be court-martialed when we tell him to stick it

(chorus)

Bombs are down below, no need to waste them!
Let's blow something up and cause Hochstetter mayhem!
You're gonna stay here after all!

As the voices of the four men reached a crescendo, a disturbing image of LeBeau and Newkirk – now dressed in Rockettes uniforms - flashed through Hogan's mind. Somehow, he was able to repress a shudder at the errant thought.

It's bad enough that I had to think about them wearing short dresses, much less dancing on a chorus line, he groused at his devious brain. But really: did you have to think of them both doing the high leg kicks? At the same time?

I've been here way, way too long…

Thankfully, at that moment LeBeau's voice returned:

You can make the camp turn on a dime
There's still lots of girls that you can show a good time
But the 'Heroes' will be empty without 'Hogan's'
And we can't waste that last shipment of Trojans!

(chorus)

Bombs are down below, no need to waste them!
Let's blow something up and cause Hochstetter mayhem!
You're gonna stay here after all!

The upbeat sounds of the last line quickly faded into a still silence as the members of the quartet held their collective breaths for the Colonel's response. The American officer eyed the members of his operation for a long moment before a slow grin, accompanied by several chuckles, escaped his lips. Finally, he couldn't hold back any longer; with a snort, he dissolved into full-blow laughter that soon proved contagious for the rest of the barracks.

After a minute, Hogan managed to regain control, if only barely. Tears of humor glistened in his eyes as he glanced around his home away from home.

"Well, it's official," he finally said, "I'm staying." The yells of joy from the assembled men had barely begun before Hogan raised his hand for silence again. "On one condition," he clarified.

"What's that, sir?" Newkirk's jaunty voice asked. Unbidden, the earlier Rockettes thought surfaced in the Colonel's mind. With effort, he pushed it away and looked at the two impromptu singers with a twinkling, yet forbiddingly stern eye.

"Don't ever sing that again..."

[fin/ende]

A/N:

ZI: Zone of the Interior. The United States, in other words.

The Mary Tyler Moore show was a popular American television program back in the 1970's.

Interestingly, I was surprised (well, somewhat) to learn that Robert Clary had starred in several musicials. Mostly, I remember his (mocking) singing in the movie Hindenburg. Originally, I was going to have Newkirk do most of the singing. However, changing that seemed only fitting...

The Rockettes are a legendary precision dance troupe operating out of Radio City Music Hall in New York City. I'd love to be able to see them someday.

As always, thanks for reading!