MOSHIxMOSHI does NOT own Naruto/Naruto Shippuden.

"Men are the worst!"

Sakura inwardly groaned at the familiar voice of Yamanaka Ino and her apartment door closing. She continued to stir the pasta she planned to have for a quick dinner and prepared for the inevitable long complaints from her blonde friend. Right on cue purple heels clacked on the wooden floor of the kitchen before coming to a halt.

"You will not believe what Shikamaru did today!"

Sakura resisted the urge to roll her viridian eyes and murmur a snappy "I probably will". Ino continued her feminine rant without any form of reply from her friend anyway.

"After making me wait for ten whole minutes he meets me for our date just to say he has a mission! What the hell is that!? I spent three hours at the salon doing my hair for this date and he suddenly tells me he has an s-ranked mission!?"

Sakura sighed and attempted to sniffle away her watery eyes. Those damn onions were getting to her…

"It can't be helped," Sakura replied, "He's a ninja—a jounin at that—he's bound to have random missions from Tsunade-shishou at unfavorable times."

Ino sighed in defeat and dramatically dragged her feet over to Sakura whom was still busy making pasta for two (she knew Ino well enough to prepare for having to share her own dinner at last minute). Ino wrapped her arms around Sakura's torso and buried her face in her rosy hair, knowing the familiar scent of her best friend all too well.

"But baby~!" Ino sang out.

Sakura laughed and used one arm to hold onto Ino's arm lovingly as if they were an actual couple.
"I know, Love."

If it weren't for the fact everyone in Konoha knew the two kunoichi's history and life they would easily be confused as a lesbian couple. Ino and Sakura, being friends for years couldn't care less, however, and continued to tease each other whether in public or not.

Sakura turned the stove off and moved the pot to the back burner before grabbing a few plates above to her right, Ino releasing her.

"I even brought this for us to use tonight," Ino whined, still not over her boyfriend's "betrayal". Sakura glanced over plainly only to do a double take and blush in embarrassment.

"INO! Why do you have that—wait, I don't want to know!"

The platinum blonde laughed mockingly at her best friend. In her right, carefully manicured for her never-happened-date hand was a lotion-sized bottle with clear jelly-like liquid inside. On the label was the not so innocent label of "Sex Kitten's High Quality Lubrication".

"Put that thing away!" Sakura shouted when Ino shook the bottle closer to her face.

"Aww, little virgin embarrassed?" Ino mocked.

She frowned when Sakura smacked her harshly on her arm, her inhumane strength making itself known.

"Jeez Sakura," Ino muttered, setting the bottle down on a nearby hall table in defeat, arm already bruising. "You may as well get used to it, I'm sure you and Sasuke will be using the same thing soon—OW!"

Sakura smirked in satisfaction at the second bruise on the blonde's arm a little below the first and set the spatula down on a spare plate.

DIIIIING DOOONG

"SAKURA-CHAAAAAN!"

Said woman groaned and rolled over in bed, knowing that energetic voice outside the door of her apartment all too well. It took a whole three hours just to kick Ino out last night after dinner and another to clean up after the blonde's ice cream and soap opera treated break-up. Sakura Haruno was the hardest working medic at the hospital, taking others' shifts without even being asked. Would it kill her team to give her a few more minutes of rest on her days off?

DIIIIING DOOOONG

Apparently so.

Furious pink jumped out of bed with a dramatic toss of white sheets. She didn't bother changing out of her white tank top and teal shorts—people who banged on her door at 7:00AM didn't deserve her energy on getting dressed.

As the loud voice and chimes persisted while she stormed down the short hall she considered begging the landlord to remove her doorbell. With enough force to knock over a full grown sumo wrestler Sakura slammed open the door, the annoying spring doorstopper crying out in pain.

Dark forest green eyes shone with hate up at her visitors under disheveled hair. She could've sworn she heard her teeth cracking under the pressure she was clenching them together.

"What?"

Uzumaki Naruto had rarely ever felt the urge to pee his pants. He prided himself on his fearless, brave (reckless) behavior. Even an angry Sasuke couldn't get to the blonde that much.

However, when an angry pinkette stood firmly in place, shoulders heaving from anger, and glaring up at him with enough hatred to kill a full grown elephant—shit gets real and his bladder suddenly swells in fear.

"H-hey S-Sakura-chan…" A nervous smile twitches at his lips and he begins sweating profusely as if he'd just sparred for twelve hours with every shinobi in Konoha.

A sharp look crosses Sakura's deathly dark eyes and he quickly gets to the point.

"K-Kakashi and th-the others t-told m-me to come get you!"

Naruto hoped the anger would at least be slightly shifted over to team seven instead, 'cause he really didn't want to spoil his best pair of underwear today.

With a motion from Sakura so fast he reeled back to prepare for a punch she shifted her weight to the side and yanked him by the jacket to pull him in, slamming the door behind him.

Before Naruto could properly regain his balance or his breath Sakura was already briskly walking down the hall of her small apartment.

"I'll get changed, be ready in five."

Naruto wasn't sure if she was going to be ready in five or he had better be ready in five.

He decided to relieve his shaky knees by sitting on her couch in the living room/dining area. He glanced around the room, finding the ever small peace in her apartment looking the same as it always did, save for a few new messes or books of course. He, along with the rest of Team Seven, had been to her house countless times over the years, her apartment always staying somewhat neat but still a little messy like the home of someone who worked a lot. Her shelves were filled with medical textbook and photo frames of her and Team Seven, her family, or various other friends—even a few of the Sand Siblings and her with the hokage and Shizune.

Naruto grinned at the warm, inviting home of his close friend and team mate as he continued to let his gaze wonder around the room—until they landed on the little hallway's half table used for decoration.

As usual there was a little fake plant in a vase that was purposely shaped in half as if the wall behind it had sliced into it. However, there was a new addition next to the fake lilies that had Naruto's eyes bulging out of their sockets in disbelief.

Sex Kitten's High Quality Lubrication...

"I'm ready," Sakura called, entering the living room to join the blonde and head to the training fields. She blinked in surprise to see the living room empty.

Sakura shook her head and left her apartment.

"I guess he's really excited to train…"

"GUYS, GUYS, GUYSSSSSS!"

Four pairs of eyes shifted to the panicked looking blonde idiot running towards them at full speed. One particular onyx pair looked especially reluctant. The whole team was used to Naruto's sudden moods and overreacting excitedness over the simplest of things.

"It's about Sakura!"

The team immediately straightened up and gave Naruto their full attention. The only girl of their team was always a sensitive topic—in a protective, concerned team way. Sasuke Uchiha, particularly, seemed extremely alert.

"Some guy—some son of a bitch has has has…"

Everyone's eyes narrowed.

"Has…?" Kakashi pressed.

"Spit it out, dobe," Sasuke further encouraged.

"Has…DEFLOWERED OUR SAKURA!"

A pause.

"What!? You'd better be joking!" Sasuke threatened, nearly activating his sharingan.

Naruto glared back, in anger at the some guy rather than the Uchiha.
"I'm serious! I saw lube on her table!"

Sai made a face.

"Ew, too much detail, dickless. Who'd wanna screw the hag anyway?"

Yamato frowned at Sai's word choice before turning back to Naruto.

"Are you sure? Maybe a friend left it on accide—"

"WHAT FRIEND BRINGS LUBE TO ANOTHER FRIENDS HOUSE!?"

Kakashi nodded in agreement.

"Naruto's right, someone has obviously been… enjoying their time with Sakura."

Sasuke "tch"ed, practically on fire in silent rage.

"I say we cut the sorry fucker's dick off and feed it to him!" Naruto chanted vigorously.

Both Sai and Sasuke nodded in agreement while Kakashi physically winced.

"Guys, it's not really our place to do anything—Sakura is a grown woman with her own life and what or who she does is none of our—"

"Nineteen isn't grown," Kakashi cut Yamato off.

"YEAH!" Naruto agreed in hype, despite the fact he himself was only eighteen.

"—however Yamato's right," Naruto, Sai, and Sasuke gave Kakashi incredulous looks, the latter less openly.

"We can't just attack him, we have to at least talk to him first. At least make sure he's a decent guy for Sakura—"

"NO MAN DESERVES OUR SAKURA-CHAN!"

Sasuke averted his gaze (glare).

"Let's just talk to him—" Sasuke suddenly began.

Naruto and Sai shot the Uchiha dirty looks.

"then kill his sorry ass."

With that the whole team (except the main girl involved) came to a decision only seconds before Sakura showed up.

Sakura sighed as she slightly limped home from a long day of friendly training—well friendly on her part. The rest of her team seemed particularly upset for some unknown reason, save for the ever-mellow Yamato.

"Maybe it's international 'Male Period' day…"

Sakura laughed at the thought of all of her male friends crankily shopping for pads in the convenience stores.

Well, most of her friends. Imagining Gaara, Neji, and Sasuke buying pads is just weird.

"Alright, what do we have so far?" Kakashi asked, peering over Naruto's shoulder who was staring intently at a piece of slightly crumbled paper in his hands sloppily titled "Possible Assholes Who Deflowered Sakura-chan". Around him was the rest of the team, also wondering about the blonde's answer.

"I have Neji—"

"Hyuuga?" Sasuke repeated in disbelief, glaring at the blonde.

Naruto scowled.

"Shut up, teme! It's best to write down all guys in the village before narrowing it down!"

Sasuke didn't argue back, slightly surprised at Naruto being more reasonable than him for once. It's still stupid.

"Alright so Neji," Naruto continued, "Rock Lee, Shikamaru, Kiba, Shino, Chouji, or one of Sakura's patients."

"That sounds about right," Yamato commented, mentally counting off all of the males shinobi in Sakura's age group in the village.

"Then…" Naruto rose to his feet, fist pumped out readily. "Let's begin the search!"

"Wait," Kakashi commanded, holding the energetic blonde by the collar.

"Maybe it'd be better if we split up to go through the list faster."

The team nodded in agreement and Naruto stood beside Sasuke.

"Then me and the bastard—"

"No way, dobe."

Naruto frowned and Kakashi stepped in before a fight could begin. The two had already sparred together brutally to the point Sakura was exhausted after healing them that morning.

"I'll pick the groups."

Naruto pouted and Sasuke huffed.

"Naruto, Sai, and Sasuke in group A and Yamato and I will be group B. Group A take Neji through Shikamaru and we'll do the rest. If no one is found to be Sakura's lover from those interviewed we'll take on all of Sakura's patients together. Meet back here at 15:00 no matter what. Got it? Break."

In the blink of an eye all ninja broke off, hoping onto trees and buildings at the speed of light to find that horrible, horrible bastard who dares to sleep with their Sakura(-chan).

"Hyuuga."

"Uchiha."

Naruto groaned. He swore he'd jump off a building if the two kept glaring at each other so intensely like that. Sai seemed emotionless as usual as he watched the two rivals silently imagine killing each other.

"What's your relationship with Sakura?" Sasuke sharply asked, straight to the point as always.

Neji seemed amused that the Uchiha would ask him about a girl.

"Haruno? Why should I tell you?"

Neji nearly smirked at Sasuke's annoyed expression.

"Tell us."

The command was as much of a threat as "I'll rip you to pieces" coming from an Uchiha. Neji seemed unfazed, bored if anything. The Hyuuga sighed and answered plainly, not really in the mood to piss Sasuke off too much.

"I hardly know her."

With that answer, group A turned to leave, a quiet "good" murmured from Sasuke.

"Yo, Inuzuka,"

Said boy turned at the somewhat familiar voice of one of his friends' team members. In his hands were a bucket of water and soap—most likely from bathing Akamaru.

Kakashi hopped down from a pole, landing softly like a feather—or a ninja—and stepped forward to Kiba, Yamato right behind him.

"Out of curiosity are you and Haruno Sakura perhaps…together?"

Kiba's eyebrows rose in surprise and Akamaru made a questioning noise from behind him.

"Where did you hear that? Sakura's nice and pretty and all—but we're just friends."

Kakashi smiled with his eyes closed from behind his dark mask.

"Ah, ok. Just checking."

Yamato and Kakashi bid their farewells before abruptly jumping away to their next suspect.

On the opposite side of Konoha from group B, group A stood in front of the training grounds of Team Guy—all members of group A reluctant to walk over to a certain green jumpsuit boy training alone.

"Is this really necessary? I'd hope Ugly hasn't fallen this desperate…"

Sasuke and Naruto silently agreed as they watched Lee continue to chant the number of pushups he'd done.
"Better safe than sorry…" Naruto murmured, taking the first shaky step over to the creep.

"Bushy Brows!"

Rock Lee stopped mid pushup in surprise at the familiar nickname and familiar person associated with it.

"Ah, Naruto!"

With the ability of a man who spends all of his life practicing ridiculous numbers of workouts and taijutsu Lee jumped into a standing position without losing balance at all. He wiped the grass bits on his matching green jumpsuit and grinned at the three (minus Sasuke whom he still held slight rivalry/jealousy for).

"How may I help my youthful friends this lively day?" Lee asked with animated arm motions that didn't seem even remotely necessary to get his greeting across.

"Well you can start by changing that terribly outdated hairsty-OW!"

Sai rubbed his aching side, courtesy of Uzumaki Naruto. Naruto turned his attention to Lee, ocean eyes gleaming with their common determination.

"Listen up, Bushy Brow, we're on a mission so—" He swallowed thickly, almost throwing up as he spoke the next words. "How is your and Sakura's…relationship?"

Lee's eyes instantly shimmered.

"Sakura! Ah, my beautiful lotus of youth I will one day claim with a heart of love and youth—Hey, uh, Naruto-kun, where are you guys going…?"

Lee frowned when he realized the group had already left.

"He said 'one day', I guess he's off the list," Naruto explained to his group as they rushed to their next subject.

Sasuke made a small noise of disapproval and suddenly stopped running, causing his team to stop in confusion as well.

"This is pointless, I'm leaving."

"Wait, teme!"

Sasuke had left in a puff of smoke before Naruto could stop him and he and Sai exchanged looks before deciding to continue their search without him. Sasuke obviously didn't care about their important team mate—the heartless bastard he is.

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK

Sakura hummed and turned the pan that contained her lunch—stir-fry with rice—for lunch on "low" while she rushed to answer the door.

She opened it and nearly gasped in surprise to see Uchiha Sasuke at her door.

"Is there a missio—"

Sasuke (rudely) brushed pass her and sat himself at her couch without a word, not meeting her gaze in the slightest.

Sakura frowned.

Maybe men really do have periods…

She closed and locked the door back before walking back to the kitchen and finishing her stir-fry. Since she had extra she got an extra plateful and placed it in front of Sasuke.

After blowing on it for a moment she gratefully took a bite—

"Who did you give your virginity to?"

-and spit it out.

She stared at Sasuke wide eyed, his eyes already staring at her intently, hard and steady. Sasuke had always been known to get straight to the point on every topic.

"What?"

Sasuke didn't repeat his question, just continued to stare at her expecting an answer. She instantly flushed.

"I-I haven't! I m-mean I don't h-have, uh, s-sex is…!" Sakura babbled random stuttered words and phrases, her face reflected how embarrassed and utterly lost she felt.

"Why would you…" She continued.

As if a sixth sense told her to Sakura glanced to the left—towards the hall. On the table was a lotion-sized bottle of clear jelly-like liquid.

Sakura. Felt. Mortified.

Damn Ino…

"That is not mine!" She announced defensively, gesturing to the general direction of the lubrication. Sasuke's gaze followed her gesture to see the small bottle that started the whole ordeal itself.

"Ino left it—that stupid blonde—I swear on my life that is not mine! I'm a virgin!" Sakura continued to rant in attempt to persuade Sasuke that she most definitely is not a sleazy girl with kinky stuff lying around her house carelessly from nightly activities she'd consulted in.

Sasuke was surprised by the amount of relief the simple words "I'm a virgin" brought him coming from her. He almost grinned a little—almost. But he did smirk. And it made Sakura stop her babbling 'cause there was something different in that smirk.

"I," Sasuke murmured, leaning closer to Sakura who was now beginning to blush profusely. Sasuke leaned in until his lips almost touched her earlobe.

"prefer natural lubrication,"

Sakura smirked, a bit of confidence coming from knowing for a fact Sasuke is also a virgin…

"Oh? Mind showing me?"

Well, Sasuke Uchiha was a virgin.

"Hey guys," Sai suddenly called to the group who'd all been sorting through all of Sakura Haruno's past and current patients documents for several hours already.

"Yeah?" Naruto answered half-heartedly, silently cursing as he got a tenth paper cut that hour.

"What if Ugly 'swings both ways'…?"

Everyone paused.

"Did you just accuse Sakura-chan of being a lesbian?" Naruto cried, horror written all over his face. Kakashi sweat dropped.

"It's not really a bad thing, Naruto…" Yamato reasoned, shifting in the uncomfortable atmosphere.

"I know but…is Sakura really that type…?"

…

"Damn it! Kakashi make a list of all the girls in the village, I'll find Sakura's female patients!"

"I'm on it."

The group began dumping over files and tossing papers around in search for their Sakura(-chan)'s deflowerer.

Ah, little did they know…

A/N: Thank you for reading~!