ATTENTION! DURARARA IS BY NO MEANS MINE AND THIS IS JUST A CRACK FIC TO ESCAPE SOME DAILY STRESS! *laughs* OOC ATTACK FULL FORCE!

It was an ordinary day and Namie was sitting peacefully on a coach- and no, she wasn't slacking, just resting and taking her time ogling at her brother's naked picture- limited edition, that stupid stalker girl did have some uses, after all. Her eyes were enraptured by the photo frame she was holding, it wasn't her fault that Seiji just have to look more and more handsome by each day- his firm body was growing more muscles and the eyes gazing at her just makes her pants a bit wet as a result.

Unfortunately, before Namie can indulge her amorous passion of masturbating to Seiji's wonderful physique, her employee just had to appear, drenched and complaining,

"Namie!" He points in accusation to her, his lips slipping to a frown, "Why the hell are you slacking, you oaf?"

Namie was about to retort back when suddenly her face blanches and she began regretting that she was even alive. "Izaya- you! You're-"

"What? I'm so handsome I stole your breath away?" Izaya puts his hand on his hips, puffing his cheeks. "Flattery won't get you anywhere, sweet assistant." He narrows his eyes, before letting a- "HACHOOO!"

The snot drenched Namie was still insistent and was slapping Izaya's cheek-loudly , giving him a typical bitchy look, "Why the hell are you naked? I don't like seeing any men naked except Seiji, that would be a sacrilege!"

Izaya passed her a sly look and smirked, as if his plan to bomb Shizuo's house just succeeded- yes that smirk that was oddly reminiscent of a man holding a murder notebook, in his attempt to contain his mirth, a giggle escapes his lips. "Just as planned. Hee hee."

"Namie." His sultry voice was saying, pausing a bit to add more effect. Another second, and he was bursting with maniacal laugh like a madman, Namie staring at him with a disinterested look. "Now you can't get married, you're a spinster! WAHAHAHHAHAHAHHA!"

After that descended a deafening silence.

"Errhm." Izaya cleared his throat. "I mean, you can't get married! WAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA!"

Namie gave her dramatic sigh at the child-like antics of the naked man- till by some odd chance her gaze would fall upon that disgusting object dangling like a rotten sausage between Izaya's leg again, "Coveer that!" Her hand rose to slap Izaya's butt, and Izaya yelled!

Tears fall from Izaya's face, and he began to cry like a baby, "Now I'm the one who can't get married, Namie- you pervert!"

Namie looked at him disgustedly, "Izaya- I have zero interest of you and your pathetic excuse of a butt. I only care for Seiji and Seiji alone."

Izaya finished with his bawl after he emptied a whole tissue box (drama queen much?) , then he throws her a victorious glance before saying, without a drop of hesitation- "Seiji doesn't love you, Namie." And for some reason he began to wiggle his butt in front of Namie.

*5 minutes later*

"I'M SORRY NAMIE! I'M SO SORRY!" Izaya screamed, his butt was now victimized and was beaten to pulps with hand shaped bruise, the suspect being no other than the smirking black haired yandere woman.

The door suddenly opened to show none other than the Awakusu's executive Shiki, who enters the room as if nothing happened. Yet- when we zoom up to his wrinkles, we can see a small wrinkle forming near his temple as he twitched his eyes a bit.

"Pardon me for interrupting." He explained himself smoothly- his lips twitching a bit at the two expectant wide eyed look thrown from the two people who were engaging- in his opinion- in illegal stuffs, "Orihara san. We've just got a complaint regarding your… inappropriate conduct of exhibitionism in the middle of the street."

"B-but." Izaya whose butt is still sore like hell, tried to speak- his eyes in the verge of tears. "I'm expressing my right to freedom of expression!" Those were his rights, goddamnit. People are just jealous because they don't have his awesome furry underwear.

"I don't care." Shiki deadpanned- his gaze directed to Izaya's butt. "Or perhaps you'll comply when I use other methods?" His hands reached for his gun, but Izaya was already shouting a revelation.

"OH MY GOD Shiki san! You're gay! I will tell that to your wife!" Izaya smirked, gaining his informant like composure.

"I'm not gay!" Shiki shouted, and was that a shade of red Izaya spotted on the executive's cheeks?

Izaya wrapped his genitals with a hello kitty towel, and pats Shiki's arm. "Its alright, all of us have our secrets," He cooed, pinching Shiki's butt.

Shiki blushed like a schoolgirl and slapped Izaya's back, "Aww, you shouldn't do that~"

Namie- meanwhile was staring as if both men had grown four heads. And she was resisting the urge to puke. Thankfully, Shiki had reverted to his usual composure.

Clearing his throat he said, "Alright, I'll overlook this once. Don't you dare do it again, Orihara san."

Izaya was smiling as if he just got his favorite strawberry ice-cream (cause pink is so manly right?), "Sure~ Shiki san."

"And~" Shiki fiddled on his shirt like a lovesick teenager, "Don't tell my secret to anyone or~"

"Or I'll tell anyone that you have a crush on Ryugamine Mikado?" Izaya tempted.

"H-how the hell did you know that, Orihara san?!" Shiki asked, flabbergasted and turning as red as a tomato.

"He told me. Hee hee." Izaya grinned.

"Just don't tell anyone or I'll kill you!" Shiki screamed like a schoolgirl and in a flash he was gone.

Namie meanwhile was still shocked, palpating her photo and ignoring Izaya's presence, she started a soliloquy with Seiji's picture, her fingers tracing to his genitals, deliciously exposed. And sighed dreamily.

"All men nowadays are gay, thank god you aren't Seiji.."

"But Namie-" Izaya interrupted.

"What?" Namie shot a murderous glance at him.

"Kadota just fucked Seiji the other day. And he's mewling with pleasure-"

…

….

…..

"WHAT?" Namie looked as if she just got a heart attack.

"Oh- or was it Kida?"

"Get it straight, you stupid piece of a shit." Namie threatened.

"Or was it me?" Izaya giggled

Namie suddenly begin to understand why Shizuo was so hellbent to killing Izaya..