A/N: What is with me and shows with twins? Coincidence? Probably.

This takes place during "Operation Haruhi and Hikaru's First Date" and what might've happened if Haruhi had gone with Arai. Or at least the sad version.

I.

"It's not your fault," they say.

"It was an accident," they say.

Or worse.

"I'm sorry."

Well, just because they say it wasn't my fault, doesn't mean it's true.

And no amount of apologies is going to bring him back either.

I'm getting ahead of myself.

I'll start from the beginning. Not the very beginning, but the beginning you should know about.

Summer had just begun. We were staying in Karuizawa, my brother and I, to keep an eye on a friend of ours while she was working for a friend of her Dad's. You see, we were all in the same club together with our other friends.

It was supposed to be fun. Relaxing in what seemed like a little safe haven, all seven of us. Together.

At first, she was against us bugging her while she worked. I could understand why, as did the others. She took the job to get away, whether it was from us or from the tedious routine of everyday life, I wasn't sure. She wanted a little peace, that was all. But we were all very protective of her, so we couldn't let her out of our sight. Nevertheless, I think the day after out arrival she started warming up to the idea of us staying in Karuizawa for the summer. Then again, I didn't have much time to notice much before another variable entered the equation.

One of her old friends from middle school came through the door. My brother didn't really like how much attention this new stranger was getting from her and, as always, he let his emotions get the better of him. He said some things he didn't mean and some things he might have meant. All I knew was that he couldn't take anything back.

If the two of them, she and he, had anything in common it was this: their emotions were their guides. The only difference was that her feelings were much more restricted.

Still, as always, she took care of herself. And him.

And let's get one thing straight.

My brother does not like being taken care of.

Wait. Well, at least not in the way she took care of him.

I'm sorry if I'm being vague. It's just too painful right now. It's all I can do to keep myself together.

Anyway, long story short, he was mad. So I, being the loving younger brother, devised a brilliant plan to get my brother to confront his feelings for our friend. They spent the day together laughing and talking and even though they hit a few bumps in the road, I knew he'd pull out all the stops for her and everything'd be perfect.

Or I thought that's what would happen, at least.

Here's where I have to stop being vague. No matter how much it hurts.

Her name is Haruhi Fujioka.

My brother, Hikaru Hitachiin, was my twin.

On their date the other day, Hikaru ran off on his own, seeing Haruhi with her old friend. Jealous and selfish, he hid out on his own during the storm. I didn't know he was on his own until Haruhi came back by herself. She said he'd ran off and that was all I needed to hear before I ran out to find him myself.

Sure, I heard the muffled protests trailing behind me and I felt the sting of the icy rain on my back, but it didn't matter. Now it was my turn to give into emotion, and that emotion was fear. Fear that I'd lost him, and not from Haruhi.

It wasn't supposed to end like this.

This wasn't according to plan.

I found him on the other side of a wide road. I'd heard from someone at the Bed and Breakfast that it was known for speeding because of the emptiness surrounding it, but in that moment, I didn't care. I was seeing him. He was fine. I called his name through the wind and he looked up. He was still in one piece.

My heart settled too soon.

There was thunder.

Hikaru, he was running across the road to meet me.

A car came.

It wasn't fast, but the rain...

It was like I blinked and he was gone.

And I saw it.

I can't breathe.

Do I have to go on?

Yes.

Hikaru, he-he was dead before the ambulance even got there.

When we first met Haruhi, we didn't know she was a girl, but the second we found out Hikaru and I looked at each other, a single thought connecting us in that moment: "Dibs."

I'd always liked Haruhi, for more reasons than one. But I always knew that Hikaru liked her more, so I stepped aside for him. No matter how much Haruhi meant to me, Hikaru meant more, after all. I just never imagined that stepping aside for him to get to Haruhi, thinking I'd given him the perfect opportunity to learn to express his feelings properly, would end up being a trap door leading him to his...

Forget it.

It's been weeks since the accident. At least, I think it's been weeks. I've lost track of time here, in this dark room, lying where he lied just weeks before, beside me while there was a he to be beside me.

I've been sleeping a lot lately. The way I see it is, I can either live with myself or I can leave the world behind me, just like he did. I can plunge myself into darkness, and one day, I know I won't wake up to see the disappointment of morning. But it seemed like every time I woke up, I woke up to a different face.

Mother. Sometimes Father. A maid or two. Maybe even Honey-senpai and Mori-senpai.

But the only face I wanted to see was the face I will never see.

Never again.

The Boss comes by a lot. He talks a lot about how I shouldn't be sulking and how Hikaru would want me to seize the day and all that crap. But that's all it is: talk. The last time he came over, he gave up a lot sooner. He set down the flowers he brought for me and left without another word. I watched them for hours, like they would move or maybe even tell me something. Couldn't take my eyes off of them, really. Suddenly, there was something alive in my presence.

But I ruined it for myself almost immediately. The flowers were cut at their stems. They were slowly dying, being cut off from their most constant life source: The earth. Poor things.

It doesn't matter anymore though.

They're dead now anyway, just like...

No.

Kyoya-senpai came by just after the Boss. He probably told Kyoya-senpai all about me, stressing every possible detail, no doubt. Kyoya-senpai told me all about how I'm worrying everyone and how selfish that is. I almost sat up and yelled at him. I mean, how exactly was I being selfish? But before I could, he said that he understood why I was acting this way, like he was reading my thoughts. It wasn't everyday a part of you was ripped out, you know.

I knew he meant well. He didn't mean to be so cold.

It was just his way.

On his way out, I spoke for the first time in a long time. I asked him if Haruhi was okay.

"She's fine. In fact, I think she's more worried about you than anything," Kyoya purred, knowing he was getting under my skin, "You haven't be taking very good care of yourself, after all, Kaoru."

Then he left, leaving me with a million questions.

He was probably bluffing. Boss probably wanted to motivate me to go outside again. Or Honey-senpai was worried about me, probably wanted to have someone to eat cake with again.

But there was always the chance he wasn't. A chance that what he was saying was true.

I turned my head away just as the door clicked closed. I noticed my phone laying there on my night stand, just within arms reach. It would have been so easy to reach over and call her, but I just couldn't. And it wasn't the muscle movement that made it difficult.

I fell asleep again thinking over all the ways one phone call could go horribly wrong.

The next time I woke up, there was sunlight. It was strange to feel the warmth of it again after keeping my curtains closed for so long. Like the sun was some foreign monster I'd spent my life avoiding.

I didn't like it.

"Shut the curtains," I grumbled to whoever was in the room, throwing the blankets over my head.

"A little sunshine never hurt anyone," a familiar voice dead panned. "Besides, you could use some. You're looking paler than usual."

I stiffened as I felt the bed give in to new weight. "Go away, Haruhi," I insisted.

"I will once you talk to me," she said. She was definitely sitting on the bed now.

"I am talking to you," I said like a little kid who thought he was the smartest bastard in the world.

"No, you're not," Haruhi persisted, "Come on. Sit up and talk to me. The least you could do is meet me halfway."

"Halfway," I repeated mostly to myself, but she took it like I was talking to her and answered, "Yeah, halfway. I came all the way here just to see you. Kyoya-senpai told me. I was worried."

To that, I turned to her, only the top half of my face out of the blanket like I was a little kid and she was the Boogieman. "You were worried about me?"

Haruhi rolled her eyes, not very Haruhi-ish, if you ask me. "Well, of course. You haven't gotten out of bed in weeks. Your parents don't even want to have the funeral while you're like this. We've been-Oh, have you even eaten?" That last part, it was like she was scolding me.

I felt my face warm up. "Uh, no," I answered dumbly.

Haruhi crossed her arms, "Do you realize how unhealthy that is? Wait here."

Then she walked out.

I sat up in bed for the first time in a while. It was boring just sitting there by myself. God, I hated being bored.

She didn't have to come here. She didn't have to waste her time on me. And more importantly, her money.

It wasn't right.

But Haruhi was right about one thing: Not eating wasn't good for me. I mean, at first, I let the maids feed me in bed, but eventually I gave up. When they came in with breakfast or lunch, I sent them away. Now they didn't even have to come in, they knew my answer.

After a long time, she came in with a tray of food. I sat criss-cross and let her sit next to me with the tray on her lap. I wasn't too surprised, I mean, it wasn't anything complex or-well, rich- but it was nice enough and it smelled amazing, like what a real home meal smelled like.

I couldn't help but notice the way she looked at me then. It was different, like she was obligated to take care of me, but not forced. Like she wanted to. Like an older sister taking care of her younger brother.

There I go again with the little kid comparisons.

I'd never admit this to anyone, but that's just the way Haruhi made me feel.

Small.

Not in a bad way, though.

It was comforting, being aware that there was a force greater than you.

And by extension, Haruhi was comforting.

Not that I'd ever let her know that.

"You made all this?" I asked, already knowing the answer.

"Yeah," Haruhi said, not like she was bragging, but more like it was obvious.

"You know we have maids for this, right?"

"Yeah, and do you eat their food?" Haruhi shot me a look, like she wanted me to protest.

When I didn't, she softened. Her point was made.

She took a scoop of food and held it out for me. Not for her to feed me, but for me to take the spoon from her.

"Can't you just feed me?" I whined, toying with her was just too fun to resist. I flopped back on the bed, emphasizing my fake helplessness.

"No, you can feed yourself," Haruhi said, cupping her other hand underneath the spoon so nothing would fall onto the sheets. "I worked really hard to make this for you, so you can at least eat it yourself."

I cracked a smile, "Serious as ever, I see." I took the spoon from her and fed myself. It tasted...sincere. The flavor wasn't as extravagant as food prepared by the maids, but it tasted different. Not as practiced or robotic. It was good. I took a couple more spoonfuls before looking Haruhi in the eyes to say, "Thanks."

She plopped the tray into my lap and smiled, "You're welcome, Kaoru."

She left again, this time for good, promising to drop by again soon on her way out.

As I finished the rest of my meal, I couldn't help but think of the way she'd said my name. Like it was a challenge.

Or an inside joke.

A/N: Did you like it? Yeah, me either.

Please leave a review anyway!

Oh, and, guys, I'm a girl. A lot of "Dipper Diaries" readers were wondering.

Stay tuned for the next installment, there's much more to explore (: