In the ensuing chaos of payback planning, the red bags were temporarily forgotten. Eventually, one by one, the recipients went back to find their gifts and open them, and Gates was right. The contents were a mystery to nearly everyone.

Esposito opened his gift after he was satisfied that they had a solid plan for their answering volley to the 54th. Waiting for New Year's Eve was perfect; they could mask their plot in the general mayhem of that night.

He opened his bag and peered inside. It was a gift basket filled with pre-wrapped sausages and spreadable cheese balls. One of the most impersonal, grab-it-from-a-kiosk-in-the-mall gifts known to man. Whatever; not everyone could pick gifts as awesome as the one he got Lanie. He left it in the bag and headed for the punch bowl.

Ryan walked over to meet him. "So what do you think?" he asked, nodding towards Espo's desk.

"That was from you?" His partner was surprised; Ryan was usually such a sap about meaningful gifts.

"It was Jenny's idea, actually. She said you needed a set."

Javi looked in the direction of his gift, then back at his partner. The sausage and cheeseball basket had suddenly gone from meaningless to mean. "Jenny said I need a set? Why would she say that?"

Ryan frowned. "I don't know, she said you two were talking and the topic came up. Why, are they the wrong size or something?"

"Hey, not cool, bro." Espo said, and glanced around to see if anyone was in earshot. "Listen, she asked me about Lanie, and I may have shared a few things, but I didn't bring it up. I'm not one of those pathetic guys who can't stop talking about getting back with their ex."

"Yeah, I know that."

"I thought Jenny liked me!"

"She does!" Ryan was now thoroughly confused. "Look, if you don't like them, I've got the receipt. I didn't realize you would get so defensive about guitar strings."

"Well, what did you exp— wait. Guitar strings?"

"Yeah. Aren't we talking about your mystery gift?"

Esposito wordlessly led Ryan to his desk, opened the bag and showed the contents to his partner.

"A sausage basket?"

"Sausage basket."

"You must have taken the wrong bag."

Espo pointed to the tag marked 'Esposito' in permanent black marker.

"Huh. Weird." Ryan replayed the last five minutes in his head and snorted with a sudden burst of laughter. He opened his mouth to comment.

"Just— don't." Esposito held up a hand. "This never happened."

"Got it."

Castle found Gates refilling the punch bowl. "It's the strangest thing," she said. "My mother's Very Berry Christmas Punch has never been this popular before."

"It has certainly been a highlight of the party," Castle replied, subtly casting his eyes around for the schnapps bandit, no doubt lurking nearby and ready for some refilling of their own. "Have you had a chance to open your gift yet?" he asked.

"I'm afraid not. It's in my office."

"Well, once you do it'll be obvious that I'm your Secret— that is, mystery gifter."

"Oh?" She narrowed her eyes slightly, irritated that he had ruined her chance to guess, but he pressed on.

"I hope this will help us put our past misunderstandings behind us and start fresh next year."

Gates gave him a noncommittal look. "Well, I appreciate the sentiment, Mr. Castle. I suspect you will continue to grace us with your presence for years to come."

"Thank you, Captain. And Merry Christmas."

"Mm-hm."

As Castle walked away, Gates thought about the bag on her desk. Now she was curious what the writer had given her. Right after she checked on the buffet table, she would find out.

"I have to say, Javi, you surprised me." At the sound of her voice behind him, Espo turned to face Lanie.

"I did?" He tried to read any murderous intent in her face, but she seemed pleased.

"Yeah, this is very sweet," Lanie continued, holding up her bag. "I'll admit, I thought for sure you were going to do something horrifying like give me underwear at an office party."

Espo schooled his face very, very carefully. "What? No way! That would be..."

"Completely idiotic," finished Lanie. "But a gift card for the coffee shop? That's useful. That's considerate. That tells me you noticed that Beckett gets hot drinks hand-delivered every morning by her millionaire boyfriend, even though I'm the one knee-deep in blood and rat poop." She suddenly realized she was halfway into a rant and checked herself. "Not that she doesn't deserve it. Because she does."

Espo smoothed a strand of hair away from her face. "So do you."

Lanie's face softened as she said, "I've had too much punch for this, Javi." She turned to walk away, but she added, "Call me next week."

After her back was turned, Javi released the breath he hadn't realized he was holding. Bullet: dodged.

Lanie's path away from temptation led past her colleague.

"Perlmutter."

"Parish."

Lanie nodded at the red bag dangling from his left hand. "I hope you like them."

His eyebrows shot up. "They're from you? Sorry if I seem ungrateful, but why would I possibly like them?"

"Oh come on, Sidney. You've been dropping hints for weeks. No use denying it. And you're welcome." With that, she continued on towards the punch bowl. She was starting to lose her buzz, and that did not work for her right now.

Kate had gotten the idea a few weeks ago after they watched A Fish Called Wanda. She had been laughing at Jamie Lee Curtis's ultra-turned-on reaction to John Cleese speaking Russian, and Castle had shaken his head.

"You laugh, but I know how she feels. Remember your cover accent the night I went undercover at the Russian mobsters' poker game?"

"When you nearly got yourself shot? Yeah, what about it?"

"Hot."

"Vaht, you are meaning zis accent?" she asked, slipping into it easily. "You think parusski is language of love?"

Castle groaned and pulled her nearly into his lap, nuzzling her neck. "So hot."

"Maybe if you are good boy I give you lessons."

Now here she was, at work, giving her boyfriend a recording she made of phrases no respectable guidebook would ever print. This was so far beyond a mix tape. She really was a lost cause.

He hadn't said a word yet, and the suspense was killing her. When he finished mingling with a handful of uniforms from holding, she approached him.

"So, do you like your present?"

He was about to shrug when he picked up on her nervous vibe. "It was from you?"

"Very funny. You said you wanted to learn, so I thought I'd get you started."

"I did? I said that?"

"Well, more or less." This was not the reaction she had expected. "I thought you would like it."

"I do! Of course I do!" he exclaimed, shifting into damage control mode even though he had no idea why he needed to. "I was just...surprised, that's all."

Beckett narrowed her eyes, her detective instincts tingling. "Did you even listen to it yet?"

"Listen to it? No, not yet."

"Castle! Why not?!"

"I'm sorry! I didn't happen to bring a guitar with me today."

"Wait— what? Why would you need a guitar?"

"How else am I supposed to listen to these?" Castle opened his bag and pulled out a set of steel guitar strings.

Kate could only stare at them for a few seconds. "That is not your gift."

"Well, they were in a bag with my name on it. What was I supposed to think?"

In a tight whisper she said, "Castle, your gift is 'Dirty Russian, Volume One.'"

His eyes lit up. "A Fish Called Wanda! That's so fantastic!"

She shook her head emphatically. "No, it is not fantastic. Because if you have a bag of guitar strings..."

His eyebrows shot up as the other shoe dropped. "...then someone else at this party is getting quite an education."

Ten minutes later, the party-goers had worked out that every single present went to the wrong person. The gingerbread prank had disrupted the gift exchange at the perfect time to keep them from realizing immediately what was going on- too perfect.

"It's them again," Esposito said, practically shaking his fist at the 54th. "The body drop was only a distraction to throw us off. We have a traitor in our midst who switched all the tags."

"Be that as it may," Beckett said, "we're still missing the gift I got for Castle. Who hasn't shown us their bag yet?"

"Only Gates is left," said Espo, and Beckett and Castle both groaned.

"What about you, Beckett, what did you get?" Ryan asked.

Kate gasped. "I forgot about mine!" She dove for her desk and wrenched open the top of the last unopened bag.

Her hope was short-lived. Her shoulders slumped and she sat heavily in her chair. She looked up at Castle. "We're dead."

Lanie peeked into the bag, then whipped around to face Javi with a look of triumph. "I knew it!" With two fingers she lifted something small, red, and mostly sheer out of the bag. "You are so busted, mister."

Beckett knocked on Gates's open office door. The captain was sitting in the darkened room with a glass of punch, feet propped up on the corner of the desk. Also on the desk was an open red bag.

"Sorry to intrude, sir..."

"No, please come in. I was just getting a moment of peace." She took a sip from the cup in her hand, then considered the liquid inside. "I see now why mama's punch is so popular tonight. I'm liking it more and more myself."

"Sir, I have something that belongs to you." Kate held out the red bag that Perlmutter had willingly handed over. "It seems that Phase II of today's prank involved switching all the gift tags."

"Ah. That explains a lot." Gates looked inside the new bag and smiled. "The Gemini! Thank God. I thought he had lost his mind."

Kate glanced at the bag on the desk, took a deep breath, and pressed on. "Sir, I'm trying to sort out the mix up, and I believe you ended up with Castle's gift."

"In that case, you'd better take it." She picked up the bag and handed it to Beckett. Kate peered in and confirmed that the small MP3 player and earbuds were intact.

"Thank you, sir," she said, but didn't turn to leave.

"Is there something else, Detective?"

"By any chance, did you...listen to it?"

"Why do you wonder?" The woman had an impressive poker face; Kate couldn't read her at all.

"Just curious. Never mind, I'll see you on Monday," she said in a rush, and turned to go.

Beckett had reached the doorway when Gates spoke up again. "It turns out Mr. Castle isn't the only one with a talent for words."

Kate froze and slowly turned back. Crap. "I'm not sure what you mean."

Gates was looking into her cup again. "This is very good punch, Detective. But I have not had so much that tomorrow I won't remember this evening."

"Sir, let me explain-"

Gates cut her off. "However, I have had enough to put me in a holiday mood. The kind of mood that lets me pretend I just listened to surveillance from an undercover operation in a Russian brothel. The kind of mood that lets me continue pretending that I don't suspect a thing."

"Continue...pretending?"

Gates took another sip of punch and pulled the Gemini dolls out of the bag to admire them.

"Good night, Detective."

Castle intercepted her as she came out of Gates's office. She looked a little stunned.

"Well?" he asked. She handed him his present.

"Here. Merry Christmas."

"What happened?"

"I'm not sure. But we might be okay." She shook her head to clear it. "I'll fill you in later. Right now, let's get out of here. Where's Lanie?"

Castle helped her on with her coat and they walked toward the elevator. "Javi put her in a cab ten minutes ago. I took the liberty of letting her keep the coffee gift card Gates got for you. It seemed to be important to her. And Javi, for some reason."

"That's fine. You keep me well-caffeinated."

Kate didn't even wait for the elevator doors to close completely before she turned to rest her hands on Castle's chest. The accent was back.

"So are you ready for first lesson?"

Castle wrapped both arms around her waist. "I am your pupil, eager to learn. I'm tempted to make a joke about my sharpened pencil. Too much?"

Kate leaned in to brush her lips close to his ear. "С Рождеством, Castle*."

"What you said."

THE END

*Merry Christmas, Castle

EPILOGUE

Ryan and Perlmutter were the sole occupants of the elevator as they left the party, both men carrying their intended gifts. They stood in silence for the first several floors, with only an elevator version of "Little Drummer Boy" and the rhythmic dinging of the floor alerts as a soundtrack.

Just before the doors opened to send them on their way, Ryan turned to the ME and shook his head.

"A sausage basket? Really?"