I think I edited this like 20 times because it just seemed too long. I basically wanted to keep it within 2,000 words, OCD that I am. I don't like my oneshots to be too long.

Made while listening to I Found a Reason by Velvet Underground. Always wanted to write a GinShuu fic!

Anyways, my GinKira oneshot got taken down because of explicit content. First I was pissed. Then I laughed because it really made my day. I mean, if someone takes your story down, it's kinda something cool, like how marijuana is banned but people just want it more then, y'know? In a way, it shows how my story defied a limit which I'm actually proud of defying. So thank you, Admin, but I'm just going to put it back up again after a while. Have a nice day.

Proceed…

I only saw him once. When he and Aizen-taicho came to save us from those God awful Hollows.

But we never said a word to each other that time. I bowed. He acknowledged. We left. Simple.

But it wasn't so simple. It's never so simple. Not with Ichimaru-fukutaicho.

I think I started to notice when he smiled.

You must think I'm being stupid. Renji said that too.

'You're being stupid, Hisagi-sempai. Something weird about Ichimaru-fukutaicho's smile?! That guy's always smiling! How the hell can it be weird when he's smiling at you?'

Renji could've been right. He could've also been wrong. Damn possibilities…

But I knew it wasn't just me. There was definitely something odd about his expression when he looked at me; his smile got bigger, or his eyes crinkled up slightly, or his nose flared. Something. I wasn't making this up! I wasn't going crazy. I wasn't…

I was sorting books in the Gotei library when he found me. I was humming, overcome with excitement about my promotion ceremony tomorrow. I turned around to grab another off the book cart. And came face-to-face with Ichimaru-fukutaicho.

I stumbled backwards into the bookcase, the sound of the books shuddering in their place in synch with my rapidly beating heart. His smile was even creepier up close. It made me want to disappear. Be far away as possible from that smile.

'Ne, whatcha so happy about, young one?' he asked playfully.

I swallowed thickly and quickly lowered my head. Without seeing his face, it was slightly easier to think clearly. Only slightly.

'I-I am excited about my induction into the ninth division tomorrow…Ichimaru-fukutaicho.'

'Yare, yare, tha's a mouthful, even fer meh ta say. Jus' call meh Gin-san. Is easier fer tha both of us. And wha's yours, pretty little one?'

The phrase took me by surprise, no doubt my face a beet red. I'd never been called pretty. Especially after getting my scars. I was still terrified of looking in mirrors and seeing myself. But to have a fukutaicho refer to me as remotely good-looking…and of all the officers, it had to be Ichimaru-fukutaicho…it was slightly unnerving.

I was probably looking ruder by the second, keeping the fukutaicho waiting for my answer.

'Um, Hisagi Shuuhei, Ichima-Gin-san.'

'Hisagi Shuuhei. Good, strong name ya got there, Shuu-chan.'

Again, his words impacted me. Firstly, the last person to say that about my name had influenced my life immensely and was the reason I wanted to become a Shinigami so badly. Secondly, to call someone by a pet name spoke of certain…relations.

I squirmed a little. It only made his grin widen.

'I best be on my way then! See ya aroun', Shuu-chan!'

He ruffled my hair. I felt a chill crawl up my spine.

I heard the soft click of the door opening. I glanced up and my heart almost stopped.

'Ichimaru-fukutaicho,' I stuttered and stood up from my desk to show my respect. He grinned as he shut the door behind him, not taking his eyes off me.

'Call meh Gin-san, Shuu-chan,' he exclaimed and swayed over, eyes fixed on me. 'Looks like yer busy. Enjoyin' tha' division?'

'Yes, um, Gin-san. It is an honor to work for the Gotei in any way possible.'

He hummed as he walked around my desk, hand trailing the edge where it was free of papers. I continued to look ahead as he finally came around to face me. It wasn't that I was scared to look at him. It was…because…

'Ya know I don' think ya realize how charming ya are, Shuuhei,' he suddenly murmured, hand now on my neck. I flinched. I was liking this less and less. 'You can probably sweep any girl off 'er feet if ya wanted.'

'Ichimaru-fukutaicho,' I whispered, trying to shrug his hands off as they trailed to my shoulders. He suddenly tightened his grip, making me gasp.

'Must I always repeat mahself, Shuu-chan?' he said dryly. 'Call meh Gin-san. Or just Gin. Tha'd be nice.'

'Gin-'

I was suddenly shoved face first onto the desk, stunning me. However, I snapped out of it when I felt a hand loosen my belt. Then I panicked.

'What are you-?' I gasped as a hand snaked into my hair and yanked my head back painfully.

'Ssshh…' His hand now massaged my quivering stomach. My breath hitched as that hand travelled lower. 'This can be enjoyable fer ya too if ya jus' cooperate.'

I didn't want to cooperate. To hell with cooperation. This was just fucked up.

'Tousen-taicho-!' I whispered frantically and almost let out an embarrassing squeal as the man wrapped his hand around my manhood. He squeezed it and I jolted, making me bite my lower lip so hard I could taste blood.

'He won' be comin' down here. I made sure o' tha',' the sly fox hissed softly in my ear. He worked his hand up and down in a rhythm. I felt, to my horror, myself growing hard. 'And I've locked tha' door. Try screamin' fer help and I'll scorch ya alive righ' here. Got tha'?'

He squeezed me again, this time in warning. It was too hard to swallow, to breathe, to think. I just closed my eyes and nodded quickly.

I felt him smile against my neck. He picked up his pace. I panted pathetically. He started grinding into me from behind; slow, circular motions before thrusting up. I almost choked on a cry when I felt his…his thing rubbing against me, hard and erect and just waiting to…to…

I shuddered as I came messily; horrified as my body rocked into his hand to ride out my orgasm. I felt like I was betraying myself and it hurt. I had never felt so embarrassed. I just wanted to hide and never come out. This was just so degrading.

'Good boy, Shuu-chan.' The cheery voice made me flinch. I clenched my hands into fists, not trusting myself to speak.

'Come to my place tonight. And if ya breathe a word of this ta anyone, remember, I know where ya are, Shuu-chan.' He kissed my neck. It felt like a hundred spiders were crawling up my body. 'I'll be waitin'.'

He ruffled my hair as he left. As soon as the door closed, I fell down and cried.

I didn't go that night. And I didn't sleep either. Every creaking floorboard sounded like him sneaking to my room and every rustling tree sounded like him laughing. I felt like crying again.

'Ne, Shuu-chan, why didn' ya come ta see me?'

I wanted to disappear.

'Gin-san, I mean to show no disrespect but I don't have…feelings for you in that way…'

'Who said anythin' 'bout feelings, Shuu-chan?'

Huh?

He smirked.

'I jus' wanna fuck someone pretty an' you jus' happen ta be there.'

My face burned.

'Come over tonigh'. Or I'll come. An' I don' think ya want yer entire barrack realizing how ya sound like a whore when yer thoroughly fucked.'

'Please,' I whispered. Desperate. Trapped. 'Please, don't do this to me. I…I have a reputation and…and I have…'

'Hopes and aspirations? Dreams and ambitions? Who doesn't, Shuu-chan?' He paused to leer. 'Now we can make yer first time as painless as possible or so rough ya won't be able ta feel yer legs fer weeks. The choice is yours.'

Liar.

'Is it…is it only going to be this once? And then you'll leave me alone?'

'Sure.'

'You swear?'

He grinned.

'Nope.'

It hurt.

And not the kind where you cut your finger, or accidentally touched a hot stove. Like a pain that only got worse over time and you just wanted to cry because you think that's the only way the pain would get better. Except it doesn't.

I'm on all fours and shaking so hard it was a wonder I hadn't collapsed yet. He hadn't slowed down the slightest either, yanking my hair as he pounded into me. I'm just jerking with his movements. I don't think I have the energy to do anything else.

God, when will it fucking end? I just wanted to fucking die. The rhythm was like a death march. In and out, in and out, in-

He suddenly stopped, thrusting forward so fast my limbs almost gave out under me. I twitched as he came, feeling his cum hot inside me. I felt sick.

He kissed the back of my neck.

'Good boy.'

It only got worse. We didn't just do it in his room. We did it everywhere. I don't think there was a single place he, we, hadn't defiled; myoffice, the rooftops, my…my taicho's office…

I didn't want to do it there. I didn't. But Gin said he didn't like rape much and pretended we were role-playing. That I was an officer who needed punishing. He said it would help if I cried. He made sure I cried. With real tears.

My life was a nightmare. Everywhere I turned I saw his face. I felt vulnerable and exposed. Like there was no safe place in the Seireitei that could protect me from him. He would find me and when he did he would hurt me in unthinkable ways. What had I become?

I'm his property.

It hit me while I was walking with Renji, Kira and Hinamori, just enjoying the cherry blossoms in bloom. As soon as I had realized that, I fell to my knees and started crying hysterically. Then I blacked out.

I woke up to Gin's smiling face.

'Ya almost worried yer friends ta death, Shuu-chan! 'Specially the lil' redhead. Poor boy seems ta like ya!'

I could barely hear him. My ears felt like they had been stuffed with cotton. I licked my dry lips.

'When will it end?' I asked hoarsely. I didn't need to explain. He knew what I was talking about.

He just kept smiling.

'I'm bein' promoted to taicho of the third division in a few days. Real important step fer meh.'

'Does that mean…you'll stop?'

He cackled. Then, he grabbed my chin in a vice grip, forcing me to look at his wicked, smiling face.

'Nah. Jus' means I get more time ta fuck. An' with you, Shuu-chan, I wanna fuck all the time.'

'Hisagi-sempai, wanna go have some sake?'

'Not right now, Renji. I have work.'

'Work, work, work! Jeez, you need to relax!'

'I'm fine.'

'Liar.'

'Asshole.'

He suddenly tackled me to the ground. We scuffled about for control, all the while laughing. I never felt so light and happy. It was like nothing had happened and I was still the same, innocent Hisagi Shuuhei.

Renji unfortunately managed to pin me down with my hands behind my back. I waited for him to get off but he just sat on my back, staring at me. I squirmed in discomfort. That was when he bent down and kissed my neck.

Gin always kissed my neck.

'Get off!' I suddenly shrieked, bucking and writhing to get him off. Startled, he did, stumbling, and stared at me in bewilderment as I stared back wildly, my hand on my neck where he had kissed me. It burned.

'Shuuhei, I've always liked-!' he blurted out.

'Don't do that. Don't ever do that,' I snapped, clenching my hands into fists. He looked hurt. I didn't care.

'Go away, Renji.'

'Shuu…'

'Go. Away.'

He paused at the door and stared helplessly at me.

'What's gotten into you?' he murmured. Then he left. I collapsed in a mess of choked sobs and shivers.

'Faster, Shuuhei,' Gin panted, hands on my hips as I rode him.

I gyrated my hips. Impatient, he dug his nails into my skin and shoved me forward so he could thrust in himself. My trembling hands fell on either side of his head, trying to stay still as he pounded in as fast and as hard as he liked.

This man had ruined my life. I could've had a normal life, having a good time, enjoying myself. But this…this monster took everything from me. I wasn't me anymore. I was something created my Ichimaru Gin. Something for him to use whenever he damned well pleased.

His throat twitched as he swallowed, completely focused on abusing my prostrate. It looked so inviting. And vulnerable.

I bet if I wrapped my hands like so, he wouldn't be able to stop me. I could probably squeeze really hard and it would take him a couple of minutes to realize what was happening. But by then…by then he'd be nothing but a distant memory…

The choking sounds brought me back to reality. I felt a horrible feeling overwhelm me and I suddenly pulled my hands away from his throat, falling backwards so that his cock slipped out of me. I sat between his legs, staring at my hands in horror.

'Well, that was unpredictable,' Gin coughed, massaging his throat. My fingermarks were clearly visible on his pale skin. I felt like throwing up.

He smiled benignly, coming close to stroke my cheek.

'Sweet, sweet Shuuhei,' he murmured, pushing a lock of my hair behind my ear. 'The things you are capable of…why, even I'd be scared of you if you let loose. You might just be far more dangerous than me…'

'No…' I had found my voice, albeit scratchy. 'No, I'm not…I'm not…you're…you're a monster…'

He laughed harshly.

'Am I? Have I tried killing you yet?'

I looked away, ashamed, but he forced me to look back at him. Right as he thrust back into me. My eyes bulged.

'You hate me, don't you? So badly that'd you even try to kill me, ne?'

He was hurting me. His thrusts were brutal and merciless. And he wouldn't let me look away, no matter how much I pulled at his fingers to release my face.

'Here's a promise then, Shuu-chan, since you've been such a good bedmate.' A hard jab that had me gasping. 'When you become a fukutaicho, I'll stop visitin' ya. An' you can pretend tha' what we did neva happened. Life will go back ta normal. And I'll pretend that I neva knew ya. Ya like tha'?'

Two sharp stabs to my prostrate. I lurched forward, tears clinging to my eyelashes.

He kissed my lips tenderly as he murmured against them.

'Good boy.'

I thought he was joking. About the fact that I would be made fukutaicho. About him leaving me alone. About pretending nothing ever happened.

So when Tousen-taicho told me he wanted to make me his fukutaicho, I just stared at him stupidly for a few minutes. I eventually thanked him for the honor. But something was still on my mind.

'Yare, yare, whatcha doin' here in ma office, Hisagi-san? Or should I say, Hisagi-fukutaicho?'

No Shuu-chan. No nothing. My stomach lurched nervously.

'You knew.'

'Knew wha'?'

'That I'd become a fukutaicho. How? Why? Is it because you asked the Gotei? Because you were getting tired of me? Because if I was fukutaicho you'd havea reason…a reason not to touch me anymore?'

He just kept smiling. I forced a hysterical laugh.

'You think I'm stupid, don't you?! I know your little games! You're just fucking with my mind again! That once I let my guard down, once I know you've left me alone, you'll come back. You won't leave me so easily. You're a…a…'

'If yer done insultin' me in ma own office, Hisagi-fukutaicho, I would really like it if ya kindly left now. I've got a lot of paperwork ta file.'

I blinked. He was being serious. He…he was acting like nothing ever happened. Like it was just a dream.

I turned away, determined not to let him see my face. Or my tears.

'Would ya miss me, Shuu-chan?'

I choked. Before balling my hands into fists.

'No.'

'Really?'

A playful, teasing tone.

I squeezed my eyes shut, feeling a lump in my throat.

'I don't know.'

Silence.

'Leave.'

I took a few steps before he spoke again.

'Just a word of advice, Hisagi-fukutaicho, taichos and their subordinates aren' allowed ta keep any pets. So try ta keep clean from tha' rule.'

It wasn't until I reached my quarters that I curled up into a ball and half-laughed, half-cried myself to sleep.

I was me.

I belonged to no one. I was Hisagi Shuuhei, fukutaicho of the ninth division. I was a role model for my subordinates. My taicho had a deep respect for me and I him. I had so many friends now that it was impossible to have a free night to myself. It felt weird to genuinely smile for once. But it felt great.

I never had to see his face again. Occasionally I would, but only because my taicho asked me to. And even then, I would end up talking to Kira. He looked pale. I hope he was well.

But the fact that he was around somewhere just made me sick to my stomach. It was still going to take a while to feel normal again.

I never thought about him much either except at night, where I had nothing but my thoughts. And my memories. I could try to pretend as much as I wanted but those memories were never going to go away.

He was my first, I think. First love? First fuck? First kiss? No. Not any of those. I felt absolutely nothing towards him. Just emptiness and pain.

But still, he was my first.