All characters belong to Bioware. I was just using them for laughs. Eh he.

"There is new correspondence available at the private messages terminal," Glyph announced promptly as Shepard stepped into Liara's quarters. Shepard sighed, rubbing her bright green eyes, bloodshot from lack of sleep. The Asari must have been in the lower decks with Javik, a Prothean who had been revived after being placed in cryogenic stasis for fifty thousand years following the destruction of his civilization by the Reapers, now their newest crew member. Given Liara's fascination for Prothean history and culture, she would be down in the Port Cargo Hold for a while yet. Couldn't hurt to check the terminal while she was here.

From: J. Moreau

RE: Something for you to read, Prothy!

Joker's Guide to Surviving Shepard

A must-have guide for all new crew members aboard the Normandy.

Welcome aboard the Normandy SR2, a state-of-the-art frigate stolen from the pro-human organization Cerberus after Shepard told the Illusive Man to get stuffed (good times). Here on the Normandy, the Commander collects humans and aliens alike instead of coins or commemorative plates. You'll find you're always welcome, whether you've pulled a gun on said commanding officer, are fuzzy, tank-grown, have three fingers, or eat fried Turians for dinner.

On the Normandy, we have everything to accommodate your needs. There is a stunning piece of human man candy piloting the ship, available for worshipping on the Normandy's bridge at any time (no appointment required). If you need to spar with that semi-permanent pole up your ass, we have a decently-sized cargo bay available, complete with a tank-man to practice on (we take no fault if said tank-man happens to beat the crap out of you, however). If you hanker to draw faces on the masks of a sleeping Quarian, we will provide you with a permanent marker (again, at your own risk). If you require access to Extranet sites that are considered illegal in Council space, thanks to the ship's artificial intelligence, we can accommodate those needs too, and have zetabytes worth of free-space available for downloading (tested by yours truly).

You'll find that despite Commander Shepard coming across as cutesy and slightly dorky (especially whenever Major Kaidan Alenko is in the immediate vicinity) she is not someone you want to cross. Remember, this is the woman who not only took down Sovereign but also saved thousands of human colonies from being turned into cream cheese by the Collectors. She might look like an innocent, cute-faced woman who could really use a tan to go with her freckles and sports a terrible haircut given to her by the tank-man during her time in lockdown with the Alliance, but this woman can put you on your ass in an instant. She is easily bribed with beer, chocolate milk, or (yet to be tested) Major Alenko's socks.

Do not complain to the Commander about the quality of the music aboard the Normandy. Being so far in deep space gives limited access to crap radio stations from two hundred years back (god, we were idiots), and Shepard has a tendency to have EDI sync up her omni-tool and blast her bad taste in music down the hallways of the ship. The commander states this is supposedly to bolster team morale between missions, but you'll find that listening to what the Commander deems "good music" (namely Backstreet Boys and Lady Gaga) will have the opposite effect. Suggesting to the Commander that she update her omni-tool with decent twenty-second century tunes, will usually result in a knee to the gnads.

Earplugs are available from the medbay. Just ask Chakwas discreetly (make sure she takes out her own earplugs first), and when Shepard isn't around.

Here on the Normandy, the moment that Shepard goes groundside is a very special time. Groaning because Shepard didn't take you? Consider yourself lucky! As the Commander takes the Major groundside with her every single bloody time (can't imagine why…) that leaves me as the XO in charge of the deck, and I will announce party time as soon as the shuttle leaves the cargo bay.

You may raise your eyebrows at this (or fringe, or tentacle, or whatever), but it has been a long standing tradition dating back to the good old days aboard the old Normandy SR1. Please note that we cannot always guarantee your safety during said party time, as our enemies seem to detect the Normandy's outdated party music from deep space, and decide that said party time is the best time to shut the Normandy up and abduct her very drunk and giddy crew.

Do not tell Shepard that the kitchen resembles Tuchanka if you happen to stumble upon her attempting to cook herself a midnight snack (that's a mistake you only make once).

The Commander does not tolerate the use of air-quotes during conversation.

Expect the Commander to come annoy you after returning from every groundside mission. Make sure you say something funny.

Always wear restraints of some sort when in a vehicle piloted by Shepard. Especially if it's a Mako- Shepard is a firm believer that tank can defy gravity. Shepard also has a tendency to not follow traffic lights when driving skycars, and likes hanging out of said skycars while flying midair to have deep and meaningful catch ups with old pals from Cerberus. Don't be shocked. This woman's a trooper.

Shepard plays a mean game of cards. When playing with her, wear many layers of clothing.

Here on the Normandy, savoring the last shot before popping the hint sink is not frowned upon by the Commander, but is in fact encouraged. Do not, however, tell Shepard when she is in a bad mood that she could do with popping some heat sinks with the Major to wind down, and expect to keep your nose intact.

Shepard states that she has an open door policy, and all crew members are welcome to visit her quarters at any time to discuss any issues they may have. Please note this open door policy does not extend to helping yourself to her private bathroom, or hacking the ship's cameras to watch Shepard dance terribly while she's alone in her cabin for crew entertainment, as Shepard has a tendency to find out.

If Shepard ever approaches you, smiling sweetly and saying that she needs someone to practice her biotics and spar with, take my advice- smile sweetly back at her and run for your life.

Searching for a missing family member? Need to tie up loose ends? Want revenge, or just want to kill something? Let Shepard know and she'll be happy to help you get your closure (especially if it involves a trip to an Omega nightclub to be seduced by a serial murderer).

Again, welcome aboard the Normandy! Please note attendance to weekly crew meetings is compulsory. It's a special time, where the Normandy crew gathers to receive updates on the Reaper War, see other crew members you never even knew were on board, to even watching vids compiled by Professor Mordin Solus on the best ways to avoid spreading scale-itch aboard the ship.

Shepard reached the end of the email, her mouth hanging open as she perused the document. She closed the terminal and made her way out of Liara's quarters to the crew deck elevator, passing a surprised Liara who held out a hand to catch Shepard's attention. Shepard marched on, chewing her lip. Just how many of these emails had Joker sent out to her crew members? Sure, it was amusing, but there was a limit to her paragon patience. Someone with very fragile bones on the bridge was about to get a well-deserved ass-kicking.