Wow, it has been some months since I've written anything of real value. I had to put the paint brushes down for a bit and whooda thunk it, I'd be back to writing. This idea was sort of dropped on my head... and I literally had to get the whole thing out in one go. I can't say it's original, but I'm doing it so it's original to me. Pay close attention to the dates and consider the passage of time between these letters as you read. I like to play with this idea of "spaces in-between." Giving a letter seems like such a passive thing in comparison to real interaction in a relationship. Focusing on letters themselves flips the perception and gives the events between correspondences the feeling of secrecy and ambiguity.
Hope you enjoy!
Disclaimer: I own nothing of Kuroshitsuji, all rights go to Yana Toboso, A-1 Pictures, Funimation, whoever else has the writes to flippin' create and distribute this franchise. I profit from none of these efforts. I'm just a crazed fan girl perpetuating the consumption of this franchise.
Warning: Sorry, no explicit fan girl yaoi here. A lot of emotional fluff in this one. Get ready for big feels. But yeah, SebaCiel completely.
December 15, 1888, 1:15 AM
To my young master,
This letter was originally to wish you a very happy thirteenth birthday, but I understand how much you deplore the occasion. Instead, let this be a letter of apology. Acting as your butler, it was only appropriate to act in a manner expected of everyone who sees your birthday as needing celebration, especially for Lady Elizabeth. If I were to act how you would prefer, with plain indifference, she and others would find it rather suspicious. Be that as it may, she rather enjoyed the festivities, and the fruit cake I prepared. Perhaps it soaked in the rum for much longer than necessary, but I am sure you appreciated Elizabeth retiring early because of it.
I know you really do not care for gifts, but I simply cannot help giving my master special treatment. Understand that I really do not need an occasion for it, but please do not be cross with me simply because I chose this particular day to give you some personal attention. You seemed to be in need of it, for all the terrible events of the past few months. Excuse me if I am being a little presumptuous, but I sense that you really do enjoy it, even if you will not admit it outright.
Your humble servant,
Sebastian
15 December, 1888 2:35 PM
Sebastian,
Your apology is not necessary. I very well know you understand my feelings about my birthday.
Conversely, I understand your need to put on a face for everyone else. So long as you are not putting on a face for me. Besides, if you were to wish me a happy birthday, I would not resent it. It would feel more honest from you than it would from anyone else.
I did enjoy your fruit cake, despite these silly games surrounding it. I enjoy anything you prepare for me. I could not ask for better.
I daresay you spoil me, Sebastian. I slept more soundly this past night than I had in weeks, all because of a much-needed massage. I did not think it is possible to give another a good night's rest; there is no greater gift. I do hope you were not put off my mood last night. In retrospect, I think I might have come off as being ungrateful. Do not perceive me as such because nothing could be further from the truth.
Perhaps it is much easier for me to say what I mean on paper than out loud.
Sincerely,
Ciel
16 December, 1888 12:15 AM
My most grateful young master,
Your compliments and appreciation mean more than you know. When I know my master is pleased, I am urged to extend myself beyond his expectations. I should very much like to give you a quiet and gentle rest every single night.
After all, the day after your birthday, you were right back to work, sunrise to sundown, with only breaks for tea and supper. I know you needed an excuse to get away from Elizabeth, but I implore you, when I request you take a lunch in the parlor, or a small walk to stretch your legs, please acquiesce. When you ignore me or dismiss me, I find it unbearable. I do not suggest these things to distract or irritate. I have your best interest in mind. A break from your office every couple hours will only have a positive effect on your productivity.
Ever concerned and caring,
Sebastian
16th December, 1888 11:00 AM
Dear Sebastian,
I find it impossible to believe that you could perform your duties better than you do now. That being the case, I want to see you accomplish this.
Let us start with your lecturing. All this talk of what you think is good for me is very irritating. While I know you are speaking truths, why is it I feel as though your reasons for wishing to serve me are not very genuine?
May I divulge something? I cannot help but throw myself into my work. You know this. The work is the real distraction. I need to busy myself because sometimes I feel overwhelmed, so very overwhelmed with all of it.
I especially enjoyed last night's massage. Do watch that your hands not roam too low.
Sincerely,
Ciel
17 December, 1888 3:40 AM
To my honest young master,
You are right, and I deeply apologize for any sort of disingenuous behavior on my part. Let it be known that if I come into your office to serve tea or to suggest a stroll, it is really because I am in need of the company of my young master. Would it be permissible to be the distraction from the distraction?
Something else you should know: I am keenly aware of your reactions when I am giving your personal attention. When you are pleased or enjoy something, you sigh as the muscles in your shoulders lose tension. I can only imagine what sighing like that must feel like. You are remarkable tense during the day and I do not think you are fully aware of it. So if my hands are roaming, it is only because they are being directed by what I am sensing from you. In short, I sensed you enjoyed it.
Most excellently,
Sebastian
18 December, 1888 3 PM
Sebastian,
Your words are too frank. Have you ever considered that perhaps I am attempting to distract myself from you?
I really do hate this time of year. Elizabeth loves it, for all the festivities. She is filled with so much hope. This season is about nothing but discovering and nurturing this hope. It is the one thing I cannot have because I am forever removed from it.
Do you not realize that your very presence reminds me of this?
And yet I find myself not wanting to dismiss you. This has me so very confused. Your absence leaves me in a state of isolation where my thoughts turn to self-loathing. It is quite pitiful. Yet when you are near there is an odd comfort coupled with a feeling of defeat. Should I simply resign to this melancholy? When I do, it is oddly peaceful.
That is why I could not help my crying last night. I know I could not answer you when you asked what was wrong. Nothing in that moment was necessarily wrong, but rather if I just *let go* I find relinquishing my control to be a world of relief. They were tears of relief.
Thank you for staying with me until I fell asleep. I know I have not asked that of you in a while. Sometimes I still feel like such a child.
Most sincerely,
Ciel
19 December, 1888 2:15 AM
My melancholy young master,
I have a terrible fear that I cause you great distress. Opposing, I possess this unshakeable knowledge that deep down you really have an appreciation for me and everything that I do. I feel that in these letters I have had to excuse myself far too much, but as you have said, something things are easier written than spoken.
You are right to feel hopeless. It is because of me that you are removed from Grace, which is why the joy of the season is not available to you. It is what people need during this dreadful time of the year. You made this choice, willingly and knowingly; never forget that.
On the other hand, I am honored that you can find some solace in me. Please, I implore you: should you ever have need of it, let me take your burdens from you. I do not look upon you as a poor soul who cannot bear the weight of his circumstance. Quite the contrary. I have known others twice your age with half your strength. You are a rare individual with a tenacity I have hardly experienced. Because I hold you in such high regard, and I wish to offer everything to my young master who shall offer me the same in due time, I do not want you to have to cope with these burdens.
You are not pitiful, or childish. You are human, far higher than me.
Your most lowly servant,
Sebastian
20 December 1888 10:20 AM
To my outspoken Sebastian,
I have little to say in response to your high regard for me. Be that as it may, if that is what urges you to treat me as you do, continue carrying this opinion. It benefits me greatly. On some occasions, daresay I find it enjoyable.
Last night the conversation was particularly nice. I felt like you were not simply placating my desire to not be alone. There is a small part of me that wants to be wanted. I sometimes wish it was not you that I want to be wanted by. Is that too confusing?
Because of you, it was not as cold last night. How is it that you seem to give off so much heat? Your pulse is alarmingly fast. Does that have something to do with it?
With curiosity,
Ciel
21 December 1888 5:10 PM
My treasured young master,
Surely you knew last night was the darkest night of the year. I too did not wish to be alone. You must be under some impression that I care for all that is dark and cold, removed from light. I really do not, truly. Why do you think I cling to you so?
May I confess to you, as you have confessed to me so openly? You are probably the closest I can come to Glory. You speak of isolation in terms of self-loathing. But your scope of such a thing is but a shade of what I know. I am relieved you may never know an eternity of it. Through me, you will never have to. Let that place your mind at ease.
On a lighter note, I find you to be such a contradiction. Is it wrong to find this amusing? You wish me to be genuine, as though this quality is highly valued. When I am genuine, when I state my feelings most plainly, you do not find them important. And yet when I act on such things, you are pleased by this. Now you tell me that you wish you did not have this want at all? I know you will not say you are pleased outright. I think you are surprised by this most times. It is a rather charming, and it is a rare expression for you.
There is something very desirable in how we surprise each other. I am always anticipating how I might discover something else about my young master.
Most excitably,
Sebastian
22 December 1888 9:45 AM
My comforting Sebastian,
And here I was thinking I was the one clinging a little too eagerly. It made me feel a little better last night, less guilty to have you with me, especially since
Since we are discussing surprises... You know, when you comb my fingers through my hair, it feels so possessive. There is something in the way you do it, tenderly and yet such a fervent motion to it. It is a good feeling to be wanted, even if it is you. At least I am wanted by someone. Truly wanted. Everyone else wants something of me, like my wealth, or my influence, or my title, or my love or affection, or business or service. In our moments together, I feel like you just want... me. You could care less for all the other trappings.
I think I just found something I really like about you, Sebastian. This makes me feel a little lighter.
Surprised,
Ciel
24 December 1888 4:15 AM
My precious young master,
I know I did not wake with you as I have done these past few nights, but please understand there is so much that needs preparation. The servants deserve their time off and so all responsibility falls on me. I had to get up rather early to see I could keep my schedule while still seeing to all of your needs.
They are all rather excited to trim the tree. It is all they talk about. They will expect you to be part of the excitement too, you know. Rest assured, I will tip a little extra wine in your glass at dinner if that is what it takes.
Cheerfully,
Sebastian
25 December, 1888 2:25 PM
My most contemptible Sebastian,
The events of late last night were nothing short of appalling. They really were the product of too much wine. More importantly, for you to simply concede to what I was doing (I remember little of this) dampens the trust I have in you to maintain proprieties, even if my senses of such things are compromised.
I hate Christmas, damn it all.
Do not come to me this evening. I fear what may have begun here, and I have no intentions of tempting this.
Regrettably,
Ciel
26 December, 1888 12:40 AM
My fearful young master,
Once more, I must extend my deepest apology in failing you. I, being of right mind, should have seen your actions as nothing more than the impulsive actions of one uninhibited. I further apologize for not gaging when you had too much to drink. I daresay if I had not provided so much wine, this would be entirely a non-issue.
I must beg you, young master: Do not punish yourself for what has happened. It would be wrong for you to regret something that you found enjoyable and pleasurable. I know this to be true because you were so fervent in your kisses.
Imploringly,
Sebastian
26 December, 1888 3:00 PM
Sebastian,
Your last letter was truly pathetic in its attempts to coerce me. I am tired of giving this issue thought, and I demand we speak no more of it.
Ciel
27 December, 1888 11:50 PM
To my stubborn young master,
You can be silent on the matter all you wish, but the expression on your face when I enter a room rings as a clear indication of what is on your mind. Your eyes show what you desire. If I may be so bold, you can refuse discussion all you like; it will only make things worse.
I have so missed being by your side these past nights. The dark hours pass so much slower without you to hold against me.
Lamentably,
Sebastian
28 December, 1888 10:30 AM
To my irritating Sebastian,
Why do you continue to bring up these subjects I am trying so desperately to put out of my mind? Truth be told, I find your insistence to be more than distressing.
I have been terribly shaken by all this. I know you have only been honest, and kind, and patient but damn it how you aggravate me. I cannot stand the sight of you and yet your absence has been so very painful.
Most distraught,
Ciel
28 December, 1888 2:40 PM
To my pitiable young master,
If we should meet in the dark, you would not have to look upon me.
Please, call to me as you did before.
Most eager,
Sebastian
29 December, 1888 4:45 PM
Dearest Sebastian,
I know I was rather dismissive this morning, but I really needed to be alone with my thoughts, something I had not given proper attention these past few days.
Last night was curious. Actually, it was beyond that. It was illuminating. You need me as much as I need you. This idea before was nothing more than empty words, but I was foolish to believe that you were simply attempting to manipulate me. It feels good to be needed, and I assume you are in agreement.
Come to my bedroom again tonight. Please.
Also eager,
Ciel
30 December, 1888 5:30 AM
My passionate young master,
I regret that I should have to rise so early to leave you to wake alone again. I have a schedule to adhere to, and Elizabeth is arriving again today.
You continue to surprise me, young master. I was not previously aware of how skillful your hands can be. Or your lips. I daresay your attention may be addicting.
Simply yours,
Sebastian
30 December, 1888 10:05 AM
Sebastian,
I fear this addiction may be mutual.
Restlessly,
Ciel
30 December, 1888 2:50 PM
My most precious,
What are we to do if we cannot go about our business without needing to meet each other in secret? First it was this morning, again after elevenses, and then during lunch. We are acting in a most ridiculous fashion. On the other hand, I find your kisses to be so hungry. I have never felt so wanted.
Contentedly,
Sebastian
31 December, 1888 12:15 PM
My most honest Sebastian,
I am overwhelmed. Yet again. Very much so. It is not the same kind I am so familiar with, because that leaves me feeling heavy and burdened. No, you stirred something entirely foreign within me.
Last night, what did we do? Should I be ashamed? Or mortified? I find myself strangely in high spirits over all of this, because I never knew one could feel such elation. Who knew it to rest in such a base part of the self and how it runs through every limb and fiber? You know of these things. Are you capable of feeling this as well?
Still curious,
Ciel
1 January, 1889 1:35 AM
My beautiful young master,
I am mortified that perhaps I got carried away this night. How am I to internalize all that you give to me? What am I to make of what has been shared between us? I am so accustomed to my young master being unshakeable, impenetrable; a fortress who is constantly fighting off a ravaging world. In reality, there is no greater threat than the likes of me, and yet your armor falls away before me. I have never seen you give so much of yourself.
I am beyond humbled by you, young master. I could wait another eternity to experience the peace of being embraced so fully, your hands reaching uninhibited for me, ME, of all things. How? What is this that you have done? What rests ever so gently in this pit where this heart resides? Why does the world spin as I write this?
And to make matters worse, I fear I caused you great pain in return. Your eyes were as glass under water as I stared down at you. It was my alarm at this spectacle that your name escaped from my lips and I knew I had caused you further harm when your tears fell. I had disobeyed one of your very first orders and I had made a grave error. Yet you clung to me fiercely. Your order for me to not stop was a sharp heat that even now continues to claw through me.
I am so completely sorry. I know not what else to say.
Deeply shaken,
Sebastian
1 January, 1889 11:30 AM
My Sebastian,
There is no apology needed. No apology will ever be needed again. Consider this an order.
Happy New Year.
Love,
Ciel
I know! So many feels. . I can't help myself. Normal I don't concede to place so many wholesome emotions between these two. Normally I don't humanize Sebastian in this manner. In that regard, he's slightly out of character, but then again, him being a demon was emphasized so much in his identity, but I didn't want it to beat my readers over the head with it.
Writing in this format enabled me to focus on raw emotion, where action was more in support of that. Normally, it's the other way around, where I'm having to determine what characters would be feeling based on events... I enjoy this flip, and my creative writing brain needed to get it out so I can get back to ... other writing projects!
You might be familiar with my big project, 'A Magnificent Depravity.' From what others tell me, it's quite good. If you're not familiar with it, get yourself familiar. I'll be adding chapters again soon.
And! And! ... And! Thanks to the 100+ subscribers to 'Mag Deprav.' That's what I'm calling it now. I promised a BDSM oneshot scene between this pairing and I intend to deliver. Expect that one to be emotionally loaded and kinda fierce. Challenge accepted.
I'm done. Leave your comments, because they fuel the writing machine. If you deplore this, tell me why. Then go read some of my other shit. You have nothing better to do.