Project H: Breaking Dawn Part 1
By Project H
Part 5
*Cullen House*
Rosalie: *Rubbing Bella's stomach* It's strange that it took something like this for me to like you
Bella: Rosalie, I'm glad that we're finally-
Rosalie: Quiet! I was talking to the stomach. The rest of you can still go to hell
Jacob: *Walks in* Edward, they make it out alright?
Edward: Yes. And how about Jacob's Lady Parts? I saw it was raining before, I hope they didn't get too wet
Jacob: Well Jacob's Lady Parts got a little damp but I...hey, shut up!
Bella: Hi Jake. You OK?
Jacob: Yeah. It's not like I'm the one carrying a demon
Bella: Well maybe it will be twins, and one of them won't be a demon
Rosalie: Bella, tell Jacob what you've decided
Edward: Rose is trying to talk Bella out of her baby names. And by 'Rose' I mean
'Everyone with a brain'
Bella: They're not that bad. If it's a boy, Edward Jacob Mike, in honour of the three guys most eager to impregnate me. And for a girl, I was playing around with our mum's-
Jacob: I've dreamed of doing that
Bella: -names. Our mum's names Renee and Esme
Jacob: So you want to name her Renee Esme? There's nothing wrong with that
Bella: Renesmee
Jacob: *Throws up* Oh, eh, yeah. That's...certainly a name
Bella: Too weird?
Edward: For a half-human half-vampire baby. No, that name will be the least weird thing about it
Bella: *Rubs stomach* He likes it
Rosalie: That's because if it's a 'he' it won't be named that
Bella: *Breaks spine and collapses* On second thought, he hates it
-
*Cullen ER*
Edward: Rosalie, pass the morphine
Rosalie: What's morphine?
Edward: No idea, just pass me that needle. I'll find somewhere to stick it
Alice: Carlisle said the placenta must have detached
Edward:...yep. So needling it is *Needles*
Rosalie: *Grabs scalpel* I'll help. Which end does the baby need to come out of? I'll start at the neck
Edward: Rosalie, wait! I'm still needling the neck. And how many feet did she have when we started? I lost count of how many I removed
Rosalie: *Sees blood*
Edward: *Sees Rosalie*
Alice: *Tackles Rosalie*
Edward: Alice, get her out of here. And take these kidneys with you. They fell out of Bella but I don't think she needs them
Bella: But...Rosalie! I need her
Edward: You also need to live
Bella: Can't I have both?
Edward: No! Now you get neither for being greedy
Jacob: Change her!
Edward: Not until he's out
Jacob: Well try calling his name
Edward: Renesmee! Nope, that made him go further in. There's only one thing for it *Bites into Bella's stomach*
Bella: *Reacts appropriately to having someone bite into her stomach*
Jacob: You should have let me do that. My teeth would be warmer on her uterus
Edward: *Pulls out baby* It's Renesmee. And a lot of other icky stuff. We're not going to keep most of this. But we'll keep Renesmee
Bella: *To baby* You're beautiful
Edward: Thank you, but I look even better without a face covered in placenta. Speaking of which, it's pretty lucky that none of the blood ended up around the baby's eyes. Weird how nature works like that *Hands Renesmee to Bella*
Bella: *Dies*
Edward: Wait...is Bella allergic to babies?
Jacob: *Gives Bella mouth-to-mouth*
Edward: Dammit Jacob! When she said she'd only kiss you over her dead body, you weren't meant to take it literally
Rosalie: Edward, I'll take the baby. Don't worry, I'll be fine. I already ate a baby for lunch
Edward: *Plunges syringe into Bella's chest*
Jacob: What's that?
Edward: It's my venom...no wait, that's my urine sample *Plunges second needle*
Bella: *Remains dead*
Edward: *Starts pumping her chest* If I can just do this without breaking one of her ribs-
Rib: *Crack*
Edward: Without breaking two of her ribs-
Rib: *Crack*
Edward: Without breaking all of her ribs-
Ribs: *Crack*
Edward: Alright maybe I should try pumping her skull
Jacob: I won't kill you. That'd be too easy. You deserve to live with this. With Bella's corpse. Or maybe I do. I can carry it around with me and pretend she can still eat and talk. And say 'I love you, Jacob.' And she'll just lie their motionless when I hug her. It'll be just like old times. Now if you'll excuse me *Walks out of room to cry in front of a wolf hiding in shrubbery*
Edward: You're not dead, Bella! You're not dead! Wait...maybe reverse psychology. Oh well, looks like you're dead. Guess I'll just leave. *Pretends to walk out of room* Come on, Bella! People don't die in this relationship! We get saved at the last minute
Bella: *Remains dead*
Edward: Is it working? I can't tell. Your facial expression hasn't changed, but even when you were alive it never did. *Bites Bella's arms and legs* This will either bring you back to life or give me a lot of explaining to do at your open-casket funeral
-
*Black House*
Sam:...I just thought I'd let you know
Billy: I don't care what he's done. He's my son. And walk slower – I'm wheeling up a slight hill
One of the wolf boys, you know the one with the short black hair and the muscles. Yeah, that one: *Whispers something to Sam*
Sam: Bella's dead. It killed her
Billy: What did? Old age?
Sam: Let's go *Wolves leave*
Billy: That's it, I'm going to the Cullens to warn them
Some lady standing behind him: Their house doesn't have ramps
Billy: That's it, we're staying here and hoping for the best
-
*Cullen House*
Rosalie: *Holds baby*
Renesmee: *Is baby*
Jacob: *Menacingly approaches baby*
Renesmee: *Is baby*
Jacob: *Well he looks at her*
Renesmee: *And she looks at him*
Jacob: *And he looks at her*
Renesmee: *And she looks at him*
Jacob thinking: It's like gravity. Your whole centre shifts. Suddenly it's not the earth holding...wait, am I falling in love with a baby? Seriously? Please no. Maybe I'm actually falling in love with the blonde vampire. Yeah, because I'm looking at the back of her head. But I'm seeing the baby grown up. Well maybe it's not romantic. It's just imprinting. It means I would do anything, be anything she needs. A friend, a brother, a protector. Yeah, that's all it is. Protection. I'll wear protection when I'm with the bab- NO! Dammit Jacob!
-
*Cullen ER*
Edward: *Looks at thermometer* Yep, you're still dead, Bella. Or vampire. Or dead vampire. Wait, would a dead vampire have a high temperature?
Wolves in distance: *Running*
Edward: Alice! Jasper! *Kisses Bella* You're gonna be alright. I mean, you can't get any worse
Wolves: *Arrive and snarl*
Jasper: We're outnumbered
Alice: By a lot. And two of our fighters are a baby and dead
Edward: I won't let them hurt my family. That's my job
Wolves: *Attack*
Vampires: *Attack*
Wolves: *Start to win*
Vampires: *Don't*
Carlisle: Down boy! *Attacks*
Esme: Ugh. He was working on that line the whole way back *Attacks*
Emmett: Dinner time's over...sorry, that's the best I could come up with *Attacks*
Everyone: *Fights for a while*
Jacob: Stop! It's over!
Sam: Back off, Jacob! I'm not afraid to tear Jacob's Lady Parts right up the middle
Jacob: If you kill her you kill me
Sam: Yep, that's the plan *Attacks Jacob*
Jacob: *Turns wolf and snarls*
Edward: Jacob imprinted. Whoever a wolf imprints on can't be harmed
Emmett: Oh...eh...he imprinted on me too
Alice: He imprinted on me twice
Jasper: We imprint on each other all the time. We're going to do it again later back at his place
Wolves: *Leave*
Edward: *Stares at Jacob*
Jacob: *Stares at Edward*
Edward: *Thinking* So my child would have died if not for Jacob falling in love with her. I can't believe she's only an hour old and is already a disappointment
-
*Cullen ER*
Edward: *Sponging Bella* She shouldn't be this still. Dead people dance or something, right?
Alice: *Dressing Bella* Just because she is lifeless doesn't mean her fashion sense has to be. I wouldn't be caught dead in that ugly gown
Edward:...
Alice: Too soon?
Bella's hair: *Transforms first. Vampire venom has weird priorities*
Bella's bones: *Mend selves*
Bella's brain: *Remembers Bella's life story, and yet somehow decides to not kill itself immediately*
Bella's eyes: *Open*
Bella:...is everyone supposed to look faintly red? And delicious?
-
*Volturi HQ*
Secretary: *Hands letter to Aro*
Aro: Ohh, it's from Carlisle. Which is spelt with an 'S'. And not with a small drawing of a cat in the middle of it for no reason
Secretary: You realise this is a letter that he wrote?
Aro: Lousy doctor's handwriting. He's added a new member to his covern. From what I can read, its name is 'Bulla' and...it had a bogey? That can't be right. Baby, maybe
Caius: At least our dispute with the Cullens is over. We won't have to see that handsome Edward jerk anymore. That's certainly...good?
Aro: Over? Goodness no. Our dispute goes far beyond the fate of a mere human. They have something I want
Caius: Yeah, Edward's stupid gorgeous face will be ours!
Aro: The baby! I want their baby!
Caius: Whatever turns you on
THE END
Author's Note: An enormous thank you to everyone who read, reviewed or favourited this story. I'm getting great at releasing these things months later than I want. I'm working on The Hunger Games at the moment, so let's hope I'm done with it by 2014. And Breaking Dawn Part 2 will follow shortly after. Hopefully. Farewell for now!