From: Canada

Subject: This is awesome

Hey, bro. I thought you'd like to see this. It has to do with hamburgers. Make sure to read the whole thing! LINK.

Upon opening his internet browser late that night, America was faced with this exact message. Considering it was from Canada, it was probably harmless. However, also considering it was from Canada, it probably had to do with moose, or beavers, or wildlife of some sort. But what if it really was awesome? What if he had gotten the link from Prussia? Despite his hatred for Prussia, America knew the guy had some pretty good ideas and tastes when it came to things on the internet…

He clicked the link.

Little did he know that what was on the linked page would change the way he looked at his life forever.

"Cuil Theory…?" he mumbled to himself as the page loaded. He skimmed over the first few sentences. "So it's a unit measuring abstraction… a science?"

Example: You ask me for a hamburger.

America grinned. So that's what it was about! He read on.

1 Cuil: if you ask me for a hamburger, and I gave you a raccoon.

He chuckled. So it was just a silly random thing someone had made up about hamburgers? It sounded fun! He read on.

2 Cuils: If you asked me for a hamburger, but it turns out I don't really exist. Where I was originally standing, a picture of a hamburger rests on the ground.

America's smile fell, but just a little bit. What was that? Maybe it was just a little bit of dark humor… He forced a laugh and read on.

3 Cuils: You awake as a hamburger. You start screaming only to have special sauce fly from your lips. The world is in sepia.

4 Cuils: Why are we speaking German? A mime cries softly as he cradles a young cow. Your grandfather stares at you as the cow falls apart into patties. You look down only to see me with pickles for eyes, I am singing the song that gives birth to the universe.

America frowned. This was messed up. Was Canada insane to send him something like this? He wanted to stop reading it, but his curiosity was not yet sated.

He read on.

And on.

And on.

All the way up to seven Cuils.

The following morning, America woke up. He dressed himself, skipped breakfast, and drove to the G-8 meeting. He parked his car in its regular space and entered the building. He said nothing as he walked into the meeting room where the other seven members stood around talking. He sat down silently at the head of the table.

Slowly, the other nations calmed down and sat as well.

"It's time we started the meeting," America said. His voice was strained. The others noticed.

"Are you all right, America?" Japan asked, always the observant one.

"You look unwell," England agreed.

"Paler than is normal, yes?" Russia chimed in.

"I'm fine," America assured them. "I didn't sleep well last night." He snuck a glance at Canada, who didn't seem to be paying attention.

"Sleep is important for your health! You should create a strict sleeping pattern so this sort of thing does not happen again!" Germany scolded.

"Or you could just take a siesta with me!" Italy offered.

America managed a small smile. "Thanks for being worried, guys. It's all right, really."

"You did eat something this morning, didn't you?" France said.

"... No."

The entire meeting room went silent. America hadn't eaten? That was strange. Almost as strange as the time Italy had snapped at Germany.

"Would you like something to eat? I got some fast food on my way here, if you'd like some," Canada said.

"No. I'm fine. Really."

"Oh, come on. It's from McDonald's!" he insisted.

America froze.

Canada picked up a bag and withdrew a wrapped sandwich. A knowing smirk flickered onto his face.

"Have a hamburger."

America's eye twitched involuntarily.

A/N: You ask me for a hamburger. I give you a hamburger. As you eat it, the world burns around us and I smile sweetly as my flesh slowly melts away from my bones.

Cuil Theory is messed up.

Based on a headcanon from littleaphheadcanons on Tumblr.

~Jel