good evening* dear readers!
I wanted to contribute to this fandom, practically from the first day on I stumbled upon it. The moment I was waiting for, the moment when my inspiration was suddenly struck and fallen into an entertaining whirlwind of a promising idea, well that moment happened during the last episode /QoH/. So here it is, the first chapter.
This story is going to be about 10 chapters long, and it might be slow paced, since I have a rather hectic schedule as a students. But don't fret, I fully intend to finish this journey.

I do feel like I should warn you, I tend to approach a lot of things from a slightly philosophical point of view, and as it happens, this could be recognised on my writing. So if you were looking for a leisure stroll accompanied by nice and fluffy words, well, I might disappoint you.

Obviously, the 'Once Upon A Time -verse' isn't my property, I am merely stretching my limbs here, playing with its world and characters and with 'what if'-s.

The Colour Green

Chapter one: At the Apple Tree

The first time it happens, Regina is absolutely unprepared for it. And for anything else that follows.

"Congratulations. You just reunited mother and son. Maybe one day they'll even invite you for dinner."

Rumpelstiltskin's, no, Mr. Gold's condescending voice rings through the pawnshop, he might be saying something else too, but Regina doesn't hear him any more. The sound of the closing door still echoes in her ears. She is once again left behind. Regardless what she has done, regardless in which realm, regardless its magnitude, at the end she is always left behind, alone. This seems to be the only constant in her life.

She knows, feels that her eyes are glassy with unshed tears, she swallows to keep them at bay. Regina takes a deep breath. The shop's air – sickly rich with dust, scent of old books and wood polish - does nothing to ease her sudden feeling of being suffocated. She has to get out of here, even if she knows there is no place for her. She has simply lost too much over the years to find comfort anywhere, not to mention the feeling of safety.

And now this, fate's latest strike.
She has willingly given up elemental parts of herself, like her detested-yet-somehow-desperately-needed magic that she was born with, for the sole reason to prove herself worthy of her son's affection. She has given up herself, turned against her own nature, forced herself to become someone else, carelessly and without a second thought severing her only ties, her only anchor in this world: herself.

She has never had anybody to count on but herself, and now she doesn't even recognize this person. She strived to become someone else, someone deserving the love of a child, yet no matter what she has done, it wasn't enough. Henry chose once again his birthmother over her.

Regina slowly reaches out for the boy's blue blanket, and numbly walks out of the shop, never noticing Gold's strangely intense look as he follows her retreating form down the street.

Regina's movements are stiff and extremely slow, her limbs barely obeying her. The stabbing pain in her arms and upper chest reminds her that she should drink an excessive amount of water to prevent the possible bone damage, the accumulation of calcium carbonate, caused by electrocution. Yet a moment later this thought has already left her mind. She absentmindedly walks down the streets of Storybrook, she doesn't notice anything, not even that she is walking instead of driving, that her car is still at the edge of the forest, that she is slowly stepping out of her high heels, leaving them abandoned in the middle of the pavement.

Gingerly she lifts the blanket to her nose, takes in the scent of her son, her mind instantly overflows with memories of a happier time, of past.
A grinning five-year old asks for one more bedtime story. A three-year old Henry is soundly napping on the couch in the living room after an exhausting day of jumping in heaps of fallen autumn leaves, the corner of his blue blanket is in his mouth, he is sucking on it even in sleep, even though he is too old for this. Regina smiles down softly at him, and eases the droll-drenched piece of fabric from his grasp and mouth, only for Henry to move in his sleep, to tuck his thumb into his mouth and begin to suck on it. She chuckles at his son's antics and slowly brushes his light brown hair out of his face. He stirs in sleep mumbles something, snuggles up to her and sighs contently.

By this time Regina's tears are running down her cheeks freely. Her grasp on the blanket tightens, but she lets her hand fall down limply next to her body, the blanket hanging barely an inch over the ground. She takes a deep breath in a desperate attempt to clear her head, or at least find something, anything in herself to hold onto.

She feels like an ocean of emotions threatens her to swallow up her whole. Dark waves crushing over her head, and the feeling of suffocation just increases. Despair, resignation, loneliness, love for her son, and an immense amount of desire to prove that she is lovable, she can be loved, she can be good.
Her hopeless thoughts echo in her mind slowly luring out long buried, but never forgotten, detested childhood memories...

'No.' She won't go there, as it is, she has no idea how she is going through this day, she doesn't need to recall those memories too on top of everything.

Her own son rejected her. She knows, he has given her a chance, but still somehow this has the bitter aftertaste of rejection. It seems he turns to her, when nobody else can solve his problems, as a last resort. Not as the first. And absolutely not when something important or even banal happens to him and he wants to share it with a trusted person. She knows this is partially her own fault, but it hurts nevertheless. Her own son doesn't even try to ask her about her reasons, or just simply hear her out. She would never ask for acceptance - that is something that nobody apart from Daniel was willing to give her in all her life. So she ceased to seek it a long time ago. She just wants to be heard for once. By Henry. No one else. Because no one else can possibly matter compared to him.

Would it really break Henry and his world if he took a step, no matter how small in her direction? Instead he is just naming the conditions and demanding of her to change. She understands his reasoning, and sees the wrongs in her past and her own actions too, but it still hurts that according to today's happenings, she could, emphasized could, be tolerated by him, if she let him go, let him be with his birthmother and her newly-found family, if she accepted and never asked for more of his affection he is sparsely willing to give her. But this also means that in a way she has to give him up, she has already let him go, but giving him up would be an entirely different affair. Something that she could never ever do to Henry. Or herself.

She could be tolerated by him after she has done everything in her power to fulfil his requests, no matter what the consequences for her are. After she has proven that she can be anything, but herself. She understands the reasoning and importance behind this, she knows she hurt her own child. But nevertheless there is a small voice in her head that keeps asking: 'Am I that despicable? Is there truly nothing in me that would be worth for if nothing else but for questioning? Questioning of why I did everything I have done? Something that is worth for a flicker benefit of doubt? That I won't fall back to my old ways that I am not the same person anymore that I truly have changed?' To which extent she has no idea, but she has changed. She doesn't want acceptance nor understanding nor pity, merely she wants someone to hear her small voice too, and don't look at her with eyes that silently scream at her you will fail, no matter what you do.

Is it too much to ask for one person who could see how dark, not necessary evil she is, know what she has done, yet they could look at her and tell her: 'I know you are in a dark place, I know you are battling your own demons, but I believe in second chances, and I believe you could leave this behind you.'

Obviously it has been too much to ask for something like this.

So she has done everything Henry asked her to. Without a second thought. Because that's what mothers do, they do anything in their power to make their child happy. So she tried to be anything but herself, yet it still isn't enough, once again, no matter what she does it isn't enough. Once again she is the one who stands outside, looking at the life, people around her as if she were behind a constant and untouchable glass wall. She can interact with anybody, but nobody truly can reach her. Or as today has thought her: nobody wants to reach out to her, and her own attempts are as useless as they have always been.

And of course, today's another big discovery leaves her more unsettled than ever before. No matter how lonely or heartbroken she had felt in the past, she knew that she could at least count on herself. However how deranged or enraged that self was. But... after today, she doesn't recognize herself anymore. She has given up so much of herself, that she has no idea who she is, or what else she could do to prove herself. To gain the trust of a child...

She bitterly and without any mirth chuckles at her own wretchedness.
'Best think about something else...'

As a way of preventing to dwell on today's happenings or their meaning, she tries to concentrate on small things around her. The whole picture of the outside world still feels like it is slipping through her hands and she can't truly grasp any of it, so she turns to small details that she hopes she is able to handle.

She takes a deep breath. The cool fresh air of the late autumn feels good, tastes of something new. She likes this idea, so she lets her eyes fall momentarily shut. She feels as the slightly chilly breeze plays with her hair, she imagines as it blows away all her problems, as it erases parts, memories of her that she doesn't want to drag her down anymore, she imagines as a new chance is given her...

'I can do this.' She thinks at last.
No matter what happens, what is asked of her, she can do this. She is the Queen after all, and she knows that somewhere deep inside her there still are parts of Daniel's Regina too. She is the Queen and Regina and Mayor Mills and a mother, despite everything, and this time around she won't let anybody play her, and she won't let her emotions control her. Yes, she is once again left to face the world alone, but this is nothing new, and hardly anything she hasn't done before. In this case she simply has to get to know herself anew before she does anything of great importance.

With this she determinedly opens her eyes, allows herself a small pleased smile that could have never be seen on the face of Mayor Mills, only on the faces of the Queen –back then it has been insincere, or on the face of Regina who has done something mischievous to surprise Daniel. 'Yes, I can do this.' She straightens her posture, she becomes once more as regal as ever, flattens the wrinkles on her black trench coat out, with her eyes follows the length of her black dress pants... and stares disbelievingly at the stockings-clad feet. She huffs in annoyance at herself and quickly looks around the street, a slight blush colouring her cheeks.

Luckily, she is close to her house, just another short street away, so she lengthens her strides and walks towards her home. Her steps are as graceful as ever, but somehow surer, more determined than before, like she has a purpose.

Only now notices Regina just how cold the pavement truly is under her feet. And just how much her muscles in her arms and upper chest hurt. She feels as the stabbing muscle pain slowly seeps to her bones, only to leave an increasingly burning sensation in its place.

Truth be told, it wasn't one of her most... graceful magical moments when she absorbed all that magic put upon the well into her own body, and as a result willingly electrocuted herself. And perhaps on a scale between thinking everything through with a cool head and coming to a rational solution – to existing as Emma-Annoying-Tendencies-To-Show-Unnecessary-Heroism Swan, well this electrocuting herself certainly was on the Swan side of the scale... And for this alone Regina certainly would be extremely outraged at herself, if she wasn't that desperate at the time, or if she could concentrate on anything else now but the increasing pain in her body.

Finally she reaches her house, without even bothering to look at the front door, or up at the building, because she knows nobody is here to wait for her, she walks to the back, carefully seeking out the only thing that could offer her any feeling of familiarity: her apple tree.

Yes, by sheer stubbornness or willpower she has decided that she is getting through this most recent abandonment and any of its consequences, however she still craves someone who could embrace her and would lie to her that everything is going to be alright. But as she has none of this, she merely numbly drags her fatigued self to her tree, something that stands for binding together the past, and the present with the future. Something that could symbolise her own life, yet it still is capable of blooming and bearing new fruits every year.

Regina smiles sadly at this thought, lifts her right palm, and carefully traces the bark in front of her, caressing as if it would be someone's skin.
She alarmingly notices that even this small gesture pains her immensely, yet in true Regina fashion, she grids her teeth and pushes this thought deeper in her mind. She still has some thinking to do before the day ends.

She turns, and slowly slides down with her back pressed against the bark, sits on the ground, folds her legs sideways under her and covers her lap with Henry's blanket. She absentmindedly follows the patterns with her left index finger.

Henry told her today that she should know better than anyone that good always wins. She can't help but be a bit saddened that her normally so perceptive and smart son is this ignorant. Or perhaps it is just his age, she isn't sure of that yet. However, fact is that he not only sees everything black and white, but he ignores everything that isn't acceptable with the way he sees the world. He doesn't question anybody's back story, anybody's reasoning, yes he is suspicious and curious from nature, but in the same time he willingly decides what is real and what is not. And this is a truly dangerous standpoint, not because he believed in fairytales, or that Santa is real, but because he solely based on his beliefs ignoring any reasoning, any arguments, any opinions other than his own. Regina has always wanted him to be able and understand as much of this world as it is possible, to be open minded, to be open for new ideas. Because if she learned something in her past then it is to recognize how dangerous people are who force their reality upon others. Beginning from 'love is a weakness' and 'you never should lose your mother' to 'you should learn to do magic, dearie'... She has never wanted that Henry becomes someone who doesn't question, who isn't willing to listen... But as it seems she has failed, in this instance too, despite their numerous conversations, and despite her slightly desperate attempt to let Hopper help him.

"You should know better than anyone that good always wins." Regina scoffs tiredly, and at the same time she is somehow glad that despite everything her son was able to beware his naiveté. She just wishes it wasn't at her expense. She would love to ask him to define good or evil. Who is good? His grandfather, the former shepherd, who hides behind his dead twin brother's identity, or behind the title of being Snow White's True Love? The fairies who always have been impossibly biased towards certain people and ignored others to an unthinkable measure? Or generally all the people on the 'good side', who can do anything, tramp on anyone, hurt anybody? They are never called to account for anything they damage in the process of 'doing good', or even to own up their mistakes, because apparently only the outcome matters, not the way, how you got there...

It's laughable that good always wins.
She desperately wishes that there wouldn't be only two labels in their world. Or any labels at all. She wishes she knew who has the audacity to decide who is put into one box and who into another. As it seems, being good is merely a concept, not a fact. However, it does have means to justify one's actions.

Neither sides should be seen on a generalised way. There are truly twisted, truly evil, truly manipulative people among the 'evil' ones, but there are people who are merely too desperate, too broken, too lost to earn the title of 'good' , no matter what they have done in their lives up until that point. She supposes the 'good' side must be this differenced too, even if suddenly she can't recall anybody who would constitute as truly 'good'. This is one of the reasons she hates and detests this black and white way of seeing the world. Evil isn't born, it is made, and good isn't born, it is declared...

Regina wishes her son would embrace more of this world's values, she wishes he could see the beauty in having no labels or several at the same time, instead of him willingly accepting the values of Fairy Tale Land, where only two labels can exist, everything else is ignored or frown upon.

By this time her tears are once again running down her cheeks, she can't stop herself to think about what ifs and circumstances. Henry didn't even consider giving her a chance (not that she deserved one but still), until she told him she wants to redeem herself. He was hurt, and so ready to jump to consequences, without a second thought...

And now that she thinks about it, despite everything she has done, he is still jumping to consequences, and ignoring whatever he doesn't want to see.

She lifts her eyes to the sky, for a moment losing herself in the quiet beauty of a late autumn, starry evening, thinking back of the first time she witnessed this in this world... Thinking back of the silent euphoria of a new beginning, of the lukewarm feeling of illusion that she finally could strip down all her past deeds, leave her tiring love-hate relationship with magic, and everything else that weights her down finally behind.

But her momentarily peaceful bubble is mercilessly blasted, because she simply can't ignore the pain anymore.

The burning sensation on her skin, in her muscles, everywhere she came in contact with Gold's curse, gradually and rapidly increases, until she has to let out a strangled cry of agony. Her bones feel like a strong pressure is put in them from the inside. She feels something thick and warm run down her face, she doesn't need to touch it to know what it is. Its metallic taste has already told her that she is bleeding.

Frankly, she is frightened. Her heartbeats become frantic... She can't do anything against this, whatever this is...

Regina tries to stand up, her breathing becomes laboured, the pain is white-hot, blinding everything out. She doesn't even notice that she is screaming. She blindly takes a shaky step, but right at this moment her whole body is overtaken by cramps. With a thud she falls ungracefully to her side. The beginnings of some kind of seizure are already pushing on her rapidly losing consciousness. She feels as her limbs begin to move in a frantic-jerking manner seemingly on their own.

Her last coherent thought before she blacks out is echoing in her mind:

'What have I done?'