Mizutani Daisuke pressed his palms to his face and let out a sigh. It was his first day as a detective of the Tokyo Metropolitan Police District's Criminal Investigation First Division.

This is the day you've been waiting for. You have a good job now. If you can keep this job for at least a year, you can see about asking out Arisa. Wait, what are you thinking about?! You have to first keep the job for a year! he mentally shouted at himself.

Daisuke straightened his suit jacket, cleared his throat once more, and walked in.

There was a buzz of talk amongst the rows of desks where other officers were working, but it calmed slightly when Daisuke arrived.

Well, calmed to complete and utter silence filled only by the stares glued to him.

Daisuke gulped.

The first to rise was a portly man in a hat and trench coat. "Oh! You must be Mizutani-kun, right?"

"Uh, yes," Daisuke stammered.

"Welcome to the first division. Have you got any prior experience as a detective?"

Daisuke cringed. "Uh, no?"

The man raised an eyebrow. "Okay. Oh, I'm an inspector of this division, Megure Juuzou. Your desk is over there, by Takagi-kun's. He can show you around and help you with your paperwork."

Glancing around, Daisuke caught sight of a tan man waving at him from across the room.

"Ah, t-thank you," he stammered and hurried (more like full-on sprinted) over to where the man sat. His allotted desk came with a pencil cup, a computer, and a notepad.

He felt eyes boring into the back his head as he pulled out the chair and sat down tentatively. There was another ten minutes of Daisuke, sweating under scrutiny, stiltedly arranging and rearranging the three supplied pencils in his pencil cup before the gazes drifted off him and chatter resumed.

Daisuke sat back in his chair, letting out a sigh.

"Sorry about that, Mizutani."

Daisuke started upon realizing that his new neighbor was talking to him. The tan man – Takagi, was it? – swiveled on his chair to smile sympathetically at him.

"I still remember what it was like on my first day," Takagi continued. "Everybody was glaring at me for three hours straight."

Before he could stop himself, Daisuke asked, "Why? I only got ten minutes."

Takagi smirked. "It's because Satou-san said hello to me."

Confused, Daisuke shrugged. "Uh, okay."

"Oh, that's right. You don't know who Satou-san is. She's the only female detective in the first division and she's... to sum her up in one word, amazing."

"Ah... I, er, see..." Daisuke said, trailing off as he noticed the slight pinkness in Takagi's cheeks and the glaze that formed over his eyes as he spoke about whoever Satou-san was. He's got it bad.

Shaking himself out of his trance, Takagi cleared his throat somewhat awkwardly and added, "Well, you'll meet her in due time." Turning back to his desk, Takagi divided up a stack of folders on his desk and handed half of them to Daisuke.

"Here you go, Mizutani. These are some unsolved cases for you to try. For some of these you should probably review the files – they're stored on your computer; you can access them through the shared network that's called 'RECORDS (C:).' The password is 'tranquilizerdartslolz' and..."

Tuning Takagi out, Daisuke let out another sigh as he powered on the computer. So this is what the job of a detective is?

It was nearly eight o'clock when Daisuke finished his last case. His brain was hurting, but there was still a smile, albeit a weary one, on his face. It had been a productive day, and he had earned respect from his colleagues and superiors with his logical reasoning.

Daisuke knew he was nothing compared to the famous high school detective Kudou Shin'ichi, or perhaps Hattori Heiji, both of whom commonly interacted (or, used to, in Kudou's case) with the first division, but still, he had managed to make a good impression on his first day.

As he flipped the folder closed, Daisuke heard footsteps behind him. He turned to find Megure looking down at him.

"Great work, Mizutani-kun. You did good today."

Daisuke nodded reverently. "Thank you, inspector."

Megure smiled. "So to congratulate you on a good first day, a couple of the other officers and I want to take you out to dinner."

Startled, Daisuke managed a, "Okay?"

"Good. Get your things. Do you know where Columbo is?"

"Y-Yeah," Daisuke answered.

"We're all meeting there."

As Megure headed off, Daisuke called, "Wait, who's 'we'?"

"Well, you, me, Takagi-kun, Shiratori-kun, Chiba-kun... and I think Satou-kun. And maybe Miyamoto-kun, who's a friend of Satou-kun and works in the traffic division."

"Oh. Um, okay." Daisuke watched as Megure left the emptying room.

I'd say I'm doing pretty well so far at this job if I'm getting invited to dinner by two inspectors, an assistant inspector, two detectives, and a traffic cop...

The group of police officers sat around a large table inside Columbo. Takagi was sitting by the "amazing" Satou, who was a pretty, slender woman with cropped brown hair. The two were conversing, Takagi looking animated as he gestured and Satou blushing and smiling at what he was saying. Miyamoto Yumi, the traffic cop, was laughing wildly into her hand from across the table as she watched. Shiratori, a curly-haired, broad-shouldered man, was chatting with Megure, leaving Chiba to engage Daisuke in a conversation.

There was a fairly awkward silence as both parties scrambled to think of something to say.

"So, got a girlfriend?" Daisuke asked, wincing at how it sounded.

Chiba looked slightly startled for a moment before relaxing. "Well, yeah, there's this girl that I've known since elementary school. But she's not my girlfriend." He paused. "Although... now there's this traffic cop who... never mind. You?"

"Er... well, there's this girl I met in high school that I've... you know. She's pretty boyish and hates romance and... yeah. She works as a tele-surveyor for some guy. I haven't asked her out, since both of us just graduated college and I didn't have a steady source of income until now, I guess."

Chiba nodded wisely. "Oh."

Their conversation was cut off as Megure rose. "We have gathered to celebrate the completion of Mizutani-kun's first day as a division one police detective."

A cheer went around the table, and Daisuke rubbed the back of his head in embarrassment.

"He has proven himself to be very observant and good for the job," Megure continued, "and so, as a gift, we should impart some wisdom about crime scenes upon him." He sat down and nodded at Shiratori.

Daisuke blinked. Wisdom about crime scenes?

Shiratori cleared his throat importantly. "If there is a dead body, look around, and you will see a small boy wearing glasses running around the scene."

Puzzles, Daisuke frowned as he started, "Wha –"

"Allow this little boy to run around the scene, and listen to anything he shouts," Shiratori pressed on. "Chances are anything he says will become important in solving the case." He looked over at Takagi, who was nodding at what he said.

"If the little boy is present, Mouri Kogoro will be present. And if the little boy and Mouri Kogoro are present, Sleeping Kogoro will happen," stated Takagi. He glanced at Satou.

"Until Mouri-san becomes Sleeping Kogoro, you can pretty much ignore whatever he says. Also, when he looks like he's sleeping and he's talking without his mouth moving, just ignore that and pretend that it's completely normal. Don't question it." Satou nodded severely. "It's also important to note that anything that appears to be a suicide is a murder, because nobody ever commits a normal suicide." She signaled Chiba.

"Know that fishing wire is the deadliest substance on the planet, whether it's used as the actual murder weapon or as something that rigs an extremely complex alibi trick involving a motorbike and a convenience store. This is why you should always suspect the fisherman of the crime," Chiba explained. "Also, if the crime scene happens at the house of a wealthy person, always suspect the butler first. Him or the maid. There is at least a roughly 33% chance you will be correct, as there is always three suspects."

He motioned at Yumi, who leaned forward to look gravely at Daisuke, who was growing more and more confused with each passing moment.

"Ignore the fact that time slows down, rewinds, and plays over. For example, this year there were two Valentine's Days, and approximately six hundred and two cases happened between the second Valentine's Day and White Day, a span of time that is one month," Yumi said, very seriously.

Megure, having listened to it all, nodded at each of them. "That's right. Now that we've given you this information, Mizutani-kun, you're sure to be one of the best detectives in Tokyo. Welcome to the first division." There was another round of cheers before a waiter came to take down their orders.

Daisuke sat dazed in his chair. Was that all... a joke?

He would decide it wasn't exactly one week later, upon arriving at the murder of an English professor and finding a small boy wearing glasses running around the crime scene.

It's my coming back present from my hiatus! To be honest, though, I'm probably not going to write for another five million years.

This is basically a very overused plot featuring a brand new OC. Hopefully he doesn't overpower the story. And yes, I couldn't help but start shipping Daisuke and Arisa. It's sad.

Also, for a time my name was Snail-Cat-Grasshopper, but I decided to change it back to V. Tsai because I think a name change might cause a lot of confusion. So whatever! Hopefully you like that pointless and fairly stupid fic, and I won't see for another million years. Cheers! ~V. Tsai