DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN YU-GI-OH! THE ABRIDGED SERIES OR KINGDOM HEARTS. WOOHOO FOR BEING POOR/UNPOPULAR! I'M NOT ASSOCIATED WITH THEM AT ALL. I DON'T MEAN TO BE INFRINGIN' NO COPYRIGHTS, 'CAUSE YOU KNOW I'M A NICE PERSON AND STUFF.

Would You Like This Roxas?

Axel was extremely frustrated. He had been Roxas' friend for almost a year now and he had begun to realize just how much of a rock-head the little blond boy really was.

Today's mission had been picked out by Roxas. Looking around, Axel's tall, spiked hair swishing in the wind, he saw tall buildings like Twilight Town, but the sky was blue instead of the orange-y red that was typical of Twilight Town. Axel looked over at Roxas with piercing green eyes and saw that the kid was just as confused as he was.

"Roxas, where are we?"

"I dunno."

Axel slapped his face in frustration. "Didn't you read the mission description before you accepted?!"

Roxas shrugged. "No. I've learned to just accept Saix's judgment." He looked up innocently at Axel, who was a head taller than him (excluding the hair, of course).

"Well, come on," Axel grabbed the sleeve of Roxas' black Organization coat. "Let's do whatever the hell you signed us up for."

Axel dragged Roxas around for hours. In those hours, they managed to learn that they were in Domino City, and everyone here was obsessed with children's card games. While he was lost in thought, wondering what to do, he was startled by a monotonous yell from behind him.

"Excuse me sir? Would you like this baby?"

Axel turned around to see a small group of green-haired children. They were all different sizes, but had identical hair, faces, and clothes. To be honest, it creeped him the hell out, but to be polite, he replied, "No, sorry."

"Are you sure?"

The leader, who was holding the child out to him, kept the monotonous yell constantly in his voice. Axel stared in disgust, but then noticed that he had a device on his arm. It was like a blue arrow with a red circle.

"Uh, yeah. But, tell me, what's with the children's card games around here? Does that device certify you as a player?"

"This? Oh, this is from the Battle City Tournament. You don't know about it? This is what this entire show is about."

"Show?"

"My name is Espa Roba. Good to meet you! Would you please take this baby?"

Axel resolved to stay away from Espa Roba. He looked down and saw that Roxas had slipped from his grasp and was playing in the road. Axel hissed, "Roxas, no! I need to keep him on a fricking leash!" He stalked out into the highway, ready to kill. He grabbed Roxas' hood and dragged him back to the other side of the street.

Before he could walk away from Espa Roba, the leader of what Axel officially dubbed the Oompa Loompa Clan (due to the green hair, you see), a grown man ran up to him and screamed, "I challenge you to a children's card game!"

"I don't play any of your games. Sorry."

"You don't play Duel Monsters?!"

Espa turned to the man, unashamed, yelling (as per usual), "Would you like this baby?"

"People here are EFFing crazy!" Axel gasped. "What just happened!?"

Espa Roba turned back for a moment to say, "LittleKuriboh censors that word."

Axel held Roxas' hood in one hand and held his head with the other. "Who the EFF is LittleKuriboh!? Where am I!?" Axel looked down at Roxas, who was crouching for some reason. Aggravated, he asked, "Roxas, what the hell are you doing?"

"Bulbasaur!"

Axel stared. "… What?"

"Bulba! Bulbasaur!"

Axel felt a hand on his shoulder, just as he felt like he was about to scream in frustration. He jumped, ready to torch whoever it was, and saw a dark haired woman with a funny necklace looking into his eyes calmly. "Come with me. I'll explain everything."

"Finally! Some EFFing answers!"

They walked down a dark alley, and Axel's lips moved of their own accord. "This isn't suspicious in the least." He gasped. "Why did I just say that?"

"Obviously you're not of this world. What is your name?"

"Axel. And this is Roxas."

The woman shut her eyes for a moment. "Ah… I see. You're from the video game Kingdom Hearts. Roxas… he's going through Japanese Puberty."

"Japa – what!?"

"You're not in Kingdom Hearts anymore, Axel. This is the abridged world."

"Pikachu!" Roxas hopped about, and Axel pulled him back.

"What is he saying!?"

"Pokemon."

"What?"

"It's a long story. Here, I'm going to give you this for safe-keeping." She pulled out a tiny staff with an eye on the end, and handed it to Axel. "This belongs to my brother. I forsee that in his hands, he will end up getting our show cancelled."

"But why are you giving it to me? You just met me…"

"Because shut up." The woman frowned at him. "If a man that looks like a woman comes after you, don't give the Millennium Rod to him."

"But that doesn't make sense!" Axel froze, and his lips moved on his own again. He sounded like a zombie. "I will do what you say because friendship is great."

"Charmander! Char char!"

"Shut up, Roxas!"

The woman began to walk away. "By the way, the writer of our show, LittleKuriboh, now has to write you in. If you have crappy lines, sucks for you." With that, she left.

"I am never coming back here. Ever. Hear me, Roxas?" Axel tugged on Roxas' hood, treating him not better than a pet.

"Charmander…"

"Would you please speak EFFing ENGLISH?!" Axel pulled Roxas off of the ground and pulled his fist back, ready to punch him right in the nose, when they heard the sound of a motorcycle.

Looking back at the mouth of the alleyway, an extremely tan and flat-chested woman and a pale man with white hair rode toward them. It was only until the woman took off her helmet did Axel realize it was a man, and presumably the woman's sister.

"You must be that guy I'm supposed to not give this thing to." Axel snickered and looked at the shiny Millennium Rod.

The tan man frowned. His yellowed locks were entirely fake-looking, and it bothered Axel (his hair is 100% natural – crayon red doesn't come in a box). "How do you know that? That's my Millennium Rod, you motherEFFer, and I want it back."

"Who are you? And who the hell is your crazy sister?"

"You saw Ishizu?! Where did she go?"

Axel pointed down towards the other end of the alley. The man looked to the white-haired delinquent he'd been riding with.

"You handle this guy, Bakura. I'm going to get Ishizu!" With that, he bounded down the alleyway, crying out in a nasally voice, "I'll get you, Ishizu, if my name isn't Marik Ishtar!"

Axel turned to look at Bakura, who cracked his knuckles and smiled. "What's so important about the rod thingy?"

"None of your bloody business."

Axel threw his hand up and bent over. "Pfft – You can have the century rod thing, but seriously? Are you like, the only British person here?"

"I'm not British, I'm gay." With that, Bakura snatched the Millennium Rod and strutted down the alley after Marik.

"I'm just about ready to call it quits here, Bud." Axel paused, waiting for Roxas to reply with something dumb, but there was nothing. He looked down and saw that Roxas had unzipped his Organization coat and escaped shirtless. "Roxas!? Oh, goddamnit!"

If Roxas had run back the way they came, he would have seen him. So, the only option was to follow the two gay men, which he wasn't entirely certain was safe. His eyes met the headlights of the motorcycle the two antagonists left behind, and said unwillingly, "I guess I'll just steal Marik's motorcycle." He looked to the sky, annoyed. "Whoever the EFF is doing this to me, go to hell." He hopped on the motorcycle and began to pursue Roxas and the villains.

As he rode, some song he didn't recognize began playing. He looked down to adjust the radio, and was shocked to find that there was no radio.

The motorcycle rolled smoothly, but it smelled of sweat and gasoline, which Axel found repulsive. A million images flashed through his mind of what could happen to Roxas in the state he was in now: drowning, run over by a car, or (if he didn't find him by tonight) he could freeze to death without his coat. And then Axel thought of all that Xemnas would do to him if he didn't return with Roxas, the miracle-boy: beaten, turned into a dusk, killed, or, worst of all, he'd have to stay in this kooky world for forever.

Axel saw a shirtless blond flash by, so he stopped the motorcycle with a screech and raced after him. An Egyptian man in a turban stepped in front of him.

"Yagashamesh! Mah name is Shadi! I am here to tell you that you should not take the Millennium Rod!"

"Too late, now move! I gotta get Roxas!" Axel shoved past Shadi and dived into the crowd. He found in the middle that two men were playing Duel Monsters, and Roxas was in the middle of their duel, touching the holograms. "Roxas!" He ran forward and grabbed Roxas' arm, apologizing profusely to the men he'd interrupted.

He gave Roxas his coat. "Put it on, you nimrod. We're going home."

Roxas stared at him blankly, then screamed, "Pika CHUUUU!" He closed his eyes, as if he expected something to happen.

Axel sighed, then began to drag Roxas back to the motorcycle. He hoped he had enough sense not to jump off of a moving vehicle. But when he searched for it, it was gone.

"Guess we're walking." Axel heaved another sigh and kept a firm grip on Roxas' arm.

Marik looked around, holding his Millennium Rod. Bakura stood by him, arms crossed. He cried out, "She has to be here somewhere!"

"I don't care."

"Why not?"

"She's a woman – women here never do anything important in this show other than confuse the bloody hell out of us. In fact, you actually follow this, since you look like a woman but are actually a man."

"I like women, for the last time!" Marik stomped, pouting effeminately, and waved his Millennium Rod. He felt a gut-wrenching headache grip him, and the Millennium Rod shined brightly.

Bakura stared in horror, seeing that Marik's dark side had been awakened in him.

"Melvin…" Bakura hissed.

His hair was ridiculously spikey, and the eye that appeared on Bakura's Millennium Ring and Marik's Millennium Rod was now glowing atop Melvin's brow, staring menacingly into all who dared look.

Melvin let out a screechy laugh. "Ahhhahahahahahahahaha! I am free! Ahahahahahahahahahaha!"

"Well that was… sudden."

At that point in time, Axel rode by them with their motorcycle. The ginger stopped and rushed into the crowd after Roxas, and the two evil spirits stared after him, then at each other. Melvin was pouting.

"His hair is spikier than mine!" He ran forward to reclaim his motorcycle. "No one with spikier hair than me steals from me!"

Bakura sighed. "Here we go again..." He trotted behind Melvin. "Melvin, what are you doing?"

"I'm reclaiming my motorcycle, Kitty."

"Not a kitty!" Bakura hissed.

Melvin didn't answer as he hopped onto the motorcycle and drove off. Bakura coughed at the fumes and decided it was best to wait in the shadows for the red-haired creep to emerge with the kid in-tow.

Sure enough, Axel exited, saw the motorcycle was gone, and began walking. Bakura followed closely behind, determined to wipe out the potential main characters. He was about to reach out and touch his shoulder, when Axel spoke. "Touch me and you die."

Axel spun around, horrified. Apparently he had not known that Bakura was behind him, but instead, LittleKuriboh had given him the line. Bakura laughed.

"You'll get used to that. I see though that you have potential to be a main character. For that, you must die."

At that moment, a spirit of Marik appeared beside him, and in his typical nasally voice, pretended to be the spirit of the Millennium Puzzle, affectionately known as the pharaoh.

"Woooooo~ Challenge him to a children's card game, Kitty! Woooo~"

"Goddamnit, Marik, leave me the bloody hell alone! If you're going to cling to me, then don't start going off about the bloody Celtic Guardian again! Besides, why can't I just kill him?! Why do we need the bloody card games!?"

Marik pouted (something that made him look extremely girly, which, of course, he did often), crying out, "It is essential to the plot!"

"EFF the plot! I'm stabbing him! It'll be censored anyway!" Bakura turned around and caught the last glimpse of Axel and Roxas disappearing down a side alley. "Oh, bugger!" Bakura vaulted himself after them, Marik gliding along beside him.

The side alley ended in a dead end, and somehow, they had already been cornered by none other than…

"Melvin!"

The demonic 4kids employee turned around, the motorcycle standing between the two evil spirits. He smiled. "Good of you to join me, Kitty!" He teased, "I get his hair, everything else is free for you to stab with pleasure."

"I'm not a kitty! … Wait, his hair?" Bakura put his hands on his hips. "Why his hair?"

"It is spikier than mine. It deeply displeases me. Also, Yugi hasn't appeared this episode, so I think he's the main character." He laughed again. "My employees will be pleased if I kill him!"

Bakura ran forward, leaping into the air, preparing to kick Melvin in the temple. "No! The main character role is mine! I must kill him so I can attain it! FUS RO DAH!"

Melvin simply grabbed his ankle and slammed the snow-haired Brit into the motorcycle. Bakura rolled to the concrete and groaned in pain. He quickly recovered himself and hopped back up, infuriated. "What the bloody hell was that?!"

"You didn't know? I'm part ninja! Ahhhhahahahahahahaha!"

"THAT DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE!" Axel shouted at the spirits. He was confused and refused to lose his life to something this insane.

Marik's spirit floated over to him, giving him a once over. "I don't know you, but your hips are more effeminate than mine. I don't like it!"

Axel self-consciously looked down at his hips. "Bulbasaur!" Roxas attempted to pull away from Axel, but Axel held a firm grip on his arm.

"Shut up, Roxas!"

"Hey!" Suddenly, a caped teenage boy stalked into the alleyway. "That's my line."

"Who are you?"

Marik's spirit turned to him while Bakura and Melvin resumed bickering. "That's Kaiba. He's the most emotionless character on this show."

"Why does that matter?"

"… It is essential to the plot!"

Kaiba spoke again. "Who are you, creep, and why are you in my city?"

"Your city!?" Axel put his hands on his hips and began to shout. "Of all the bullsh – "

"Hey!" Marik interrupted.

" – t that I've had to deal with today, that somehow puts me over the edge, for some weird reason. Who the hell do you think you are, anyway?!"

Kaiba pointed dramatically. "I'm Seto EFFing Kaiba. Accept no substitutes."

"Well, what's your problem with me!?"

"You keep stealing my line, for one. I always say, 'Shut up, Mokuba.' Plus, you look funny, which gives me every right to bully you into doing my bidding."

"Why me when there are three other freaks here?!" Axel gestured around him at Melvin, Marik, and Bakura.

"Because shut up!"

"Don't talk about your friend that way!" Marik scolded Axel. Axel just glared at him.

"Now, stranger, I challenge you to a children's – OOF!"

A blond man on a motorcycle had just run over Kaiba and stopped in front of the still-bickering Melvin and Bakura. This was getting weirder and weirder all the time. He stepped off, crushing Kaiba's fingers on accident.

"I AM JACK ATLAS. I HEARD THAT YOU WERE PLAYING CARD GAMES ON MOTORCYCLES!?"

Axel began to shake. He wanted to get out, now. "No, we weren't. You just ran over that man."

"OH. SORRY KAIBA."

"Please don't yell…"

"I'M NOT YELLING."

"O-Okay…"

"CARD GAMES – "

Marik cried, "No!"

Melvin and Bakura broke up a girly slap fight to look over and panic.

" – ON – "

Jack took a deep breath. Melvin and Bakura both moved to restrain him, but it was too late. He was going to finish his sentence.

" MOOOOOOTOOOOOOORCYYYYYYCLEEE EEEEEEEEES!"

The resulting explosion killed everyone.

LittleKuriboh sat back, a hard day's work of abridging finished. He smiled. "Of all the crappy fanfics out there, this one's got to be the crappiest. Ahh… fans." He sighed and got up from the computer.