Inspired by Not_You's (on AO3) fic My Baby's Daddy

I don't own them and I don't profit.

A little humor and some fluff. I just couldn't help myself.

At any other time, the sight of Darcy's husband's alter ego, the supposed rage monster, cowering in the corner of a room might be amusing. Right now? Not so much.

"Hulk," she panted, leaning heavily against the wall. "I really need you to shrink down, right now."

Hulk's eyes were huge, round saucers of unease. He shook his head, Bruce's fluffy hair flopping about. "Banner scared."

Darcy winced as another contraction hit, doubling over a little. "Me too, big guy. But I really need you to let Bruce come back right now. I need him."

The big green lug shook his head again. "Banner scared of wife," he clarified.

She panted through the contraction, vowing that she would try not to do all the things she had promised to do to Bruce during the last contraction. What? The pain had really sucked, and she may have made some threats. Still, she hadn't expected her husband to back away with his hands raised, and promptly transform into his currently cowardly alter ego.

"I may have overreacted with what I said," she panted, still bent over. "I wouldn't really do those things to Bruce, and I really need him to be with me right now, Hulk."

"Banner scared," he repeated.

As another contraction gripped her, Darcy snapped. "Banner better be more scared of what will happen if he doesn't reappear!" she hissed. "Because I will start removing parts of his body, starting with the one that did this to me!"

A loud crack announced that the wall behind Hulk had just given up. Darcy tried not to groan as pieces of the wall began to fall to the floor. She was more concerned with the big guy, who was inching backward into the wall.

"So help me, Hulk…if you run away…I will go rage beast all over you!"

He froze. Darcy wished she had a camera, so she could capture Hulk's expression, because she knew no one would believe this: the big guy, cowering in the corner, afraid of his wife.

"Angry," he ventured hesitantly.

She tilted her head up so she could meet his eyes. "I'm in pain, Hulk. I don't do well when I'm in pain."

"Hurt?"

Darcy folded over her bulging abdomen as another contraction hit, groaning. A tentative touch on her shoulder was Hulk's forefinger. The big green guy looked worried, she saw when she looked up.

"Darcy?"

She turned, and breathed a sigh of relief when she saw the captain. "Steve, thank God."

Steve Rogers alternated worried looks between herself and the big green guy behind her. "Jarvis alerted us to a Code Green. I was the closest. What's happening?"

"I'm in labor," Darcy explained. As a gentle finger petted her hair, she smiled and reached up to pat the finger reassuringly.

"Why did Bruce Hulk?" Steve wanted to know. He entered the apartment hesitantly, hands up reassuringly, eyes on Hulk.

"I think he panicked," Darcy ventured. She could feel a very low growl emanating from her husband's alter-ego, but nothing more threatening than that.

"Banner scared," Hulk corrected.

At Steve's inquiring look, Darcy sighed. "I may have also threatened bodily harm to Bruce during a contraction. Don't look at me like that, Steve. You try to push a baby out of your body and tell me how well you do with it!"

Captain freaking America was trying to hide a smile. "I'll take your word for it, Darcy. I think we should get you to medical." He paused for a moment. "Um…what should we do about Bruce?"

"If he knows what's good for him, he'll shrink down right now!" Darcy warned. She looked over her shoulder, but it didn't appear that her husband was going to reappear any time soon. "I am so not forgetting this," she promised. "You're sleeping on the sofa for a month!"

The bark of laughter that escaped Captain America's throat when Hulk glanced at the sofa didn't really improve Darcy's mood. Another contraction was starting. She groaned and folded again. Steve jumped forward to help her, but came to an abrupt halt when Hulk growled warningly, taking a step out of the wall.

Darcy glared down at the floor as debris rained down from the Hulk-sized indentation in the wall. Bruce was so cleaning that up later. "Steve is trying to help me, unlike you!" she snapped. "Shrink down!"

"Scared."

Ugh. Darcy waved a dismissing hand at her cowering husband, and forced her legs to move forward a step, and then another. She almost collapsed when she reached Steve, but sheer willpower kept her on her feet.

"We should wait for someone else to arrive," Steve ventured, arms supporting her and eyes fixed over her shoulder.

"Do you want to deliver this baby?" Darcy grated out between pants.

"No ma'am," he responded automatically, taking a tentative step toward the door.

The warning growl behind Darcy froze them both. It had increased in its intensity and she could hear a snarl in it. So she turned, and had to suppress a laugh as Hulk flinched back a step.

"I am going with Steve. You can tag along if you behave."

She hoped Jarvis was recording this as Steve helped her stagger out of her and Bruce's shared apartment. They had a silent shadow as Hulk followed behind them, face torn between angry and wary. He didn't like that Steve had his arms around Darcy, holding her up. But he wasn't going to risk Darcy's wrath by trying to take her away from the captain.

Of course they would bump into Tony Stark near the elevator. The billionaire looked like he was finally responding to the Code Green, since he was wearing an Iron Man suit with the faceplate retracted.

"Hey big guy!" he greeted Hulk first, and then focused on Darcy and Steve. "Darcy? You okay?"

"I'm in labor, you shit!" she snapped. "Do me a favor and get your buddy to shrink down or he's sleeping on the sofa for a month!"

Tony grimaced, and focused his attention on Hulk. "Brucey…your name is mud if you don't shrink down soon."

Hulk only snorted and tried to crowd into the elevator with Steve and Darcy.

"Are you kidding?" Darcy yelled at him. She held up one hand. "No way! No Hulk on the elevator! You won't fit. Bruce would fit."

Hulk seemed to consider that for several minutes, one green foot far enough into the elevator that the door couldn't close. Stark was no help at all, giggling like a teenager behind the green guy.

With a quiet sigh, Hulk began shrinking. He toppled forward as he did so, and Steve had to juggle Darcy for a second so he could reach out and keep Bruce from face-planting on the floor. The elevator door finally closed, cutting off Stark's giggles.

Darcy stared down at her husband as he finished his transformation and blinked up at her blearily. "Darce?"

"You are in so much trouble later," she warned softly. "That and you have some repair work and clean up to do."

He won some brownie points back by staying with her through the rest of her labor, and the delivery. There were a few moments where he took on a green tint, but he held it in check, not wanting a Hulk appearance on the medical floor.

"No pressure," Darcy gasped to the doctor. "But if you mess anything up, my husband's angrier self will probably tear your head off."

The doctor, who'd been with her since she'd first learned of the pregnancy, offered a sarcastic grin. "Duly noted."

Bruce redeemed himself completely by not Hulking out and stoically taking the verbal abuse Darcy heaped on him. And then, when a squalling bundle of joy was placed into Darcy's arms, the fact that he was wiping tears away made her heart melt.

"Dr. Banner? Meet your daughter."