Little Things

Falling in love… it's all in the little things. It's in learning how he likes his coffee – black, no sugar, with the granules slightly burnt and bitter on the tongue. It's finding out his love for Bond films, debating the best villain with him for hours. It's discovering that he has a weak sport for cricket, of all things. It's laughing and joking about a thousand little moments, a thousand times you slipped or said the wrong thing or made a bad move in a game of chess. It's the way he smiles, lighting up the room; it's the way he looks at you, like you matter. Like you're the only one who'll ever matter again. It's the nights you spend, tossing and turning and dreaming of his hands, his eyes, his lips pressed against yours. The fantasies you create, a thousand little ways he could say "yes" or "please" or "I want you. I can't do this without you."

It's the first time you kiss, chess board lost between you, pieces thrown onto the floor in your haste. It's watching him change, develop, grow, knowing you did that, you helped him and feeling like you never want to stop. It's seeing him laugh with other people, open up to them in ways you never thought possible and realising that he is the only one you want to be with.

It's heartbreak, in the end. It's watching him cut you down, shut you out. And for one horrifying moment, right before his mind closes to you, it's hearing his thoughts whisper their goodbyes. It's the way he doesn't even glance at you, so focused on the plan he's been formulating for years. It's the hot feeling of shame and disgust, that you were arrogant enough to think your love could ever be enough. It's pain, then… pain that pierces through you, making you fall to the floor, useless and agonised. It's his arms, tight around you, holding you, protecting you, his.

"I want you by my side."

And it's the knowledge of what cannot be. It's the nights you never spent together, the things you never said, the promises you never managed to keep. It's years of regret, bitter and sharp, like the coffee you once drank together.