Morgan loves Reid. He knows it, his team knows it, and eventually even Spencer figures it out. But neither Morgan himself, nor his team, nor Reid - especially not Reid - knows what kind of love it is.

Morgan gets it one day, when he is expecting it the least. Sometimes you know everything you need to understand the truth, but you miss just one little detail that stops you from that... until you finally get it and then your life changes instantly and irreversibly. You cannot return to where you were just a moment ago, and you cannot pretend you are still there.

Morgan gets it when he sees Spencer on that cemetery, dirty and bruised, hurt badly but still alive. He so fully gets it, that for few minutes he goes autopilot. He smiles, he moves, he looks, but he is out of reality for a good half an hour.

Morgan is used to prove to the whole world each and every minute that he is strong, brave and reliable. He needs to always know he is in control. He just can't go without it. The truth is, deep in his own mind he is still a thirteen years old boy hiding his face in a pillow and trying not to think about what's happening. Deep in his own heart he still feels like an ugly pathetic coward, helpless and unworthy. He needs to look perfect. A perfect son, a perfect brother, a perfect friend, a perfect cop, a perfect psychologist... he worked hard to be all this, and he damn earned it. He almost convinced himself he is worthy of his family, his friends and his job. But sometimes... sometimes he makes mistakes. And then everything crashes, his perfectly built reality goes crazy, and Morgan is desperately afraid that one day everyone will look through his damaged false facade of perfection and see him for who he really is, and after that no one will ever look at him with affection again. He is afraid of this so much, that he is trying not to think about it at all.

Morgan works in BAU for too long now, he cannot avoid analysing his own issues. He studied them over and over again, he knows what's within him, he knows why he thinks and feels what he thinks and feels, and he also knows how wrong it is. It doesn't help. Knowing doesn't always mean fixing. Some things you cannot fix. You have to live with them. And so he does. He detaches himself from everyone as much as he can. No serious relationships. No heart to heart friendly discussions, if they are not absolutely necessary. He knows what he's doing and how to do it, a good psychologist that he is. Serious relationships mean trust. Not the kind of trust he has for his colleagues for the job they are doing. He learned to trust them with his life, and eventually he even learned to trust them with lives of others. But serious relationships mean different sort of trust. To entrust somebody his heart, his soul, his whole self - that's not something Morgan can do. He has successfully tricked a whole world for years. He's trying himself not to look at the desperately weeping boy in his heart. He is the only one knowing that boy. He, and maybe Carl Bufford. Morgan isn't sure he can survive adding a third someone to this coterie.

Morgan loves Reid. This is hard to miss and stupid to deny. He looks after his younger colleague, he patronizes him, he covers his back, he talks about him with his family. He worries when Reid is in danger or shows up obviously not sleeping the night before, with dark eyes and a little coffee in his sugar. All of this could have been a normal thing for their team. After all they do look after each other a lot. But here's what's definitely not normal: a pleasure Morgan finds in Reid's company; a habit of messing with his hair; admiration mixed with a lot of tenderness; a need to see or at least hear Reid each and every day; a strong desire to be with him outside of work; a mind blowing fear to lose him or to see him gotten hurt... Morgan doesn't believe it's possible for him to have an ordinary life. But if he did, he would have wanted to spend it with Reid. He would have loved to cook together and to eat together, to laugh over funny movies and to critic bad ones, to watch Sci-Fi TV shows and Polish art-house, to drive all the way to Chicago or Las Vegas for a weekend and to fight over music choices, to walk, to shop, to do everything they want to do. Together. He would have loved to hug Spencer and to tell him as many times, as he needs to hear, that he isn't a freak or anything, that he is the most ravishing, kind-hearted, brilliant and lovely human being Morgan knows. That Reid is the best thing that has ever happened to him.

When Morgan understands that his love for Reid isn't the one for a brother or a friend, it scares the hell out of him. Reid shouldn't know, he must never know, and it isn't easy to hide such a feeling from a team of profilers. His only hope is their old agreement not to profile each other, and also the fact that one of few Reid's weaknesses is his inability to understand what people feel for him. Reid is used not to count on others' affection for him. Life hit him hard so many times, and it hurts Morgan just to think of it, but it actually gives him a chance of hiding the fact. That he loves Reid. Reid must never know. If he finds out it can only go two ways, and both are dangerous. First way it goes is Reid not loving him back. There will be awkwardness and distance, and of course they both will try to go on as if nothing happened, but Reid will know. And Reid isn't able to disguise from those he cares about. The other possibility is that Reid will love him back, and somehow that would be even worse, that would mean Morgan is done. Morgan can deal with his own feelings, but if there are two of them, they will lose to love for sure. And if they are closer even a bit more than they already are, one day Spencer will certainly understand what is Morgan really like. Derek doesn't know exactly how Reid will react, but he is terrified to find out. He is ashamed of his inner self and pities himself, and he isn't ready to let near him anyone, who can intentionally or unintentionally back him up with those feelings. He knows this is bullshit, he knows Reid wouldn't judge him, he knows it wasn't his fault - for God's sake, he was only a child back then! Of course he knows all of it, or he wouldn't be able to do his job. But this knowledge is nothing compared to the gut feelings: shame, pity, disgust, guilt. He can never feel worthy again.

Morgan detaches himself from Reid slowly, step after little step, he doesn't want anyone to notice. He avoids staying alone with Reid, chooses chair over sofa on a plane, most of the time he stops himself from touching. Reid in the mean time is fighting drugs and doesn't seem to care. Reid is fighting drugs on his own, because Morgan was too busy dealing with his discovery to pay attention, and when he finally notices how big is Spencer's drugs problem, Reid already closed himself from help. All they can do now is wait and believe he can get through it, while he fights his demons all alone.

Surprising as it is, Reid still trusts him. Morgan makes one mistake after another, he fails Reid again and again, but Reid never stops trusting him. He noticed a distance Morgan put between them, and probably got to completely wrong conclusions. He doesn't insist on informal everyday chats. But when Reid is in trouble, he still comes to Morgan, as if nothing happened. He calls for Morgan in his nightmares, he tells Morgan what Tobias did to him and what was it like to be him in school years. Reid visibly relaxes when he is near Morgan, trusts him to have his back and isn't surprised to find Morgan beside his hospital bed.

Sometimes they have those moments. Moments that don't belong. Moments of some other life, life they cannot have, life in which they spend evenings together and wake up in the same bed. All God damned anthrax case is this kind of moment, starting with Morgan running at the closed glass door and Reid saying "Sorry". "Sorry, I'm probably going to die. You cannot do anything, sorry. I'm sorry, but you are on your own now, Derek". This is how Morgan hears him. Nobody apologizes like this to colleagues or friends. And Reid actually doesn't have anything to apologize for - it was impossible to predict the situation, and he did the best he could, saving Morgan's life on the way. But he says "Sorry", because sometimes you say what you feel, and not what you think. Morgan can't forgive him. If Reid dies… well, he certainly wouldn't forgive that. He is willing to do anything and to sacrifice everything just to get Reid out of trouble, but this is exactly the case where nothing he can do or give away will help. So he manages to listen to Spencer's demand and to get back on the case. As soon as it is closed, he moves in to hospital and he doesn't leave until Spencer gets better. It's one of those special moments that don't belong, and he cannot, he is not able to stick to his "stay away from Reid" plan while it lasts.

When they leave the hospital behind, the distance is there again. Morgan in edgy and confused, he now knows that it is not that simple for Reid either. He knows that Reid has questions and that someday he will ask them out loud. After all it was Reid who said "Sorry" with such a look on his face, as if he was indeed Spock (you can't know Spencer for years and not watch Star Trek at some point). And then again, in a hospital, it also wasn't a bit normal. Morgan can't stop thinking about it. Their relationship is like a rubber band, they keep coming closer and closer to each other, and then suddenly they are once again so far away it hurts. Spencer must see it too. But he is thoughtful almost to the degree of being awkward, and he doesn't say anything. He lets Morgan keep the distance he is comfortable with without pushing away or being intrusive. He even lets it slide when Morgan panics (too close, too confused) and insists that he wouldn't sleep in the same room as Reid. They spend weeks and months like this, but Morgan never gets the courage to answer Reid's unspoken questions. Eventually he just pretends that there wasn't any "Sorry" between them.

Morgan loves Reid, but more often than not he isn't there on Reid's side when he is needed. It's hard to be there when most of your energy goes to trying to stay away without being suspicious. Its even harder because of Spencer's don't-bother-don't-pity-me attitude. Reid doesn't push him away, not at all. It's just that now he rarely makes it clear he has problems at all, and when he does, he goes to JJ, or Emily, or Hotch, sometimes to Garcia, and Morgan is sure that few times even Rossi got involved. "That's ok", thinks Morgan trying not to feel hurt. "That's great. Reid has someone he can rely on. We all need it not to break". And then Emily dies. Or so they think, and it blows their team from the inside, it rips them open, and it rips them apart. Morgan sinks in guilt. He tries to run from reality into caring on revenge plans. When he is back - when Emily is back - this is the moment he knows what happened. Reid went away from them. It doesn't seem as if there is a problem: no awkwardness, no accusations, no visible detachment… but Morgan knows, sees, feels that if anything happens, anything at all, Reid wouldn't come for help to any of them. He won't trouble Hotch or Garcia, he'll get round Rossi, he won't tell anything to JJ, he'll try to hide from Emily. And he will surely as hell avoid Morgan with a skill he acquired not so long ago. It seems that Reid understood and forgave what each of them had done, but to understand and to forgive isn't always enough. Some things you cannot fix. You have to live with them.

Morgan does try. He really does. He honors his friend's decision, and he knows that it's fair. And maybe it is for the best after all: if Reid doesn't count on him, he cannot fail his trust. And he failed Reid's trust so many times already… Morgan tries and he manages to succeed, but that doesn't last. When distance is maintained from both sides, everything should be easier, but somehow it's unbelievably hard. Now they don't have those special moments. They don't touch each other, unless it's necessary or accidentally. When they meet in an elevator or near a coffee machine, they say common phrases or stay silent. After Angel case, a case of a pedophile, Morgan keeps noticing worrying glances Reid is giving him now and then, but nothing is said out loud. Soon after Morgan returns to his usual peace of mind, glances stop.

He does try to keep away, but it gets harder every day. It's only now that Morgan realizes how much he needs Reid: his trust, his smiles, their small talks, their innocent touches and most of all - their special moments. It's like when there isn't enough oxygen in the air. It's enough for surviving but it's still not enough to live, so body goes to a sleep mode. There isn't enough Reid in Morgan's air. Morgan can't go on like this, he feels awful in a sleep mode because it's where he is face to face with himself. He needs Reid, but he honors his decision, and he isn't going to make his life harder than it is. And he is still too afraid to make that leap of faith and let someone near him anyway.

One evening after a long week on a bad Las Vegas case Morgan forgets keys to his house in the office. He is standing beside his own door and starting to remember, how he emptied his pockets searching for a poker chip for Henry, and then got distracted and went home leaving his keys on a desktop. It would be easy to spend a night in a hotel, but Clooney is barking impatiently on the other side of the door and tomorrow is Saturday, so unless an urgent case arises, he will still need to go to the office for the keys. With this in mind Morgan turns around, goes to his car and drives back. In an empty half dark room he finds his keys and Reid, who took this case worse than anyone. Vegas is always hard on him, but this time it's even harder. It's like someone put an invisible poisoned needle in his body, and Reid doesn't even try to rip it out anymore.

Reid sleeps in a chair with his long legs crossed and his palms on his lap. Morgan silently watches him, drinks the view while noticing dark circles, caused by the lack of sleep, and a defensive posture, and a mark from glasses on his nose. He doesn't know why Reid didn't go home. Maybe he was too tired for that. Maybe he sleeps better here. Maybe it's an autopilot - like that time with Gideon, when for a few weeks Reid stayed in office now and then, sitting over unfinished game, as if hoping that his chess partner would eventually come back. But that time nobody came. Today Morgan came, but for his keys, not for Reid. "Reid is lonely", - Morgan realizes suddenly. At the end despite of their family-like team bounds Reid is desperately, hopelessly lonely. Morgan clenches his teeth and breaths slowly and deeply to calm down. He walks on the brink. Reid shouldn't know, he doesn't deserve this on top of his own problems. Morgan wishes he was able to help him without crossing boundaries of a friendship, but he doesn't think it's possible. He aches to wake up the guy and to ask what's happening, to demand to know it, to shake it out, if necessary, and to back him up in whatever mess he's got himself into. But Reid can't know. Morgan hates himself. He shakes his head and is almost out of the room, when Reid starts talking in his sleep. Reid calls: "Morgan", - and it's so sudden and so familiar, that a hot wave goes through him, while he is remembering. "No, Morgan, don't leave", - calls Reid. Derek goes back, and leans over chair, and shakes a sleeper, trying to wake him up. Reid instantly opens his eyes but doesn't fully wake up. He tries to escape, and breathes heavily, and mumbles: "No, Derek, you have to stay, don't leave". Morgan can't fight this. He sits at the armrest, pulls Reid closer and doesn't allow him to move his hands. He says: "It's ok, Reid, I'm here, you are gonna be ok, calm down now". He continues to talk until Reid stops fighting and mumbling. Morgan relaxes his grip a bit, but doesn't let go and continues to gently pat Reid's back. After a long time they are finally having their special moment once again. Morgan can't persuade himself to break the spell. Not today, not after a week in Las Vegas, not after realizing how lonely Reid really is, not after he called for him in his nightmare.

Reid is the first to push himself off. He stares at his colleague's shoulder and asks wary:
"Morgan? What are you doing here?"
"Forgot my keys, had to come back."
Reid hems, closes his eyes and leans back in a chair.
"Sorry. It's been a long week."
"Reid…"
"Did you find your keys?"
Morgan stumbles and looks on a tired man in a chair, who seems to be on a verge of a nervous breakdown, and he doesn't know what to say to help him or at least not to hurt him. He doesn't work in BAU for nothing, but Reid closed up on him a long time ago. Morgan is scared to do something wrong, but he cannot just leave now. Morgan feels that by leaving he would betray Reid, and maybe this time he will disappoint him enough to lose what's left of his trust. Even if Reid himself wouldn't know it. Morgan stays. He says quietly and gently what his friend seems to want to leave alone.
"You called for me in your dream."
Reid tenses.
"Did I?"
"You did. You asked me not to leave. Whatever it is I was doing in your dream, forgive me."
"I don't remember that dream", lies Reid. "Anyway, there is no need to apologize, it's ok. Thank you for waking me up."
"That won't do… talk to me, man. What's going on with you?"
Reid sighs and doesn't answer. He still refuses to open his eyes, as if it makes their conversation less real, as if it makes Morgan less real. And Morgan doesn't like it at all. He gathers the courage and goes for it.
"Look, I failed you, I get it. I don't have the right to ask for honesty or trust, and you have all the reasons to keep your problems to yourself. But Reid, please don't punish yourself. If you need something - anything! - I can't promise I will always help, or I'll always be there, but I promise to do my best. You don't have to deal with this alone, whatever this is."
Reid opens his eyes at the middle of the second sentence and looks puzzled and confused.
"I think you got it wrong", he finally says, "or maybe I got something wrong. What are you talking about, Derek?"
"You are in pain. I want to help." - Explains Morgan as simple, as he can.
Reid looks away and crosses his hands.
"You don't have to do this, you know. I'll be fine by Monday. But that's not what I asked."
Morgan hardly keeps himself from hiding his face in his palms, and even more - from hugging Reid and explaining him once and forever what he does and doesn't have to do. Edgy. Reid waits for an answer. Derek is tired of controlling his every word, so he says:
"I apologize for running from you. I'm nothing but a funky idiot, and I don't deserve your trust. I was an awful friend to you, but until someone who is worthy appears, please, Reid, talk at least to me. You are not fine. You haven't been fine since long time ago."
"You are running from me", - is the only thing Reid says, and it's like he is more confirming it to himself than actually asking.
"Yeah… I mean, no! Crap… Reid, it's not from you, it's from…"
"…my issues. You don't need to say it. Really. I get it, and it doesn't make you an awful friend. It's ok."
"It's not ok. I know that I deserve this, but if you think so, nothing is ok. God, Spencer… I'm sorry, you hear me? I don't run from you, and I don't run from your issues or whatever. What I do run from are my own issues and my own fears. I run so fast I make mistakes on almost every step. Don't argue please, I was a crappy friend to you this last year. But I'm here right now. And I would very much like to help you with anything I can."
Morgan is waiting for a long time, while Reid is looking at him and obviously thinking over something. Finally Reid answers with what Morgan certainly doesn't expect to hear.
"Can I sleep over at your place?" - asks Reid. Moment later he is embarrassed and looks other way, while explaining. "You doesn't have to let me. It would make me feel better, but if that's inconvenient, it's ok, and I mean it."
Morgan isn't sure, if he should be happy or terrified, but he bravely goes with "happy" and stands up.
"Of course you can."
Reid gives him a shy smile and also rises.
"Keys?"
"Got it."
They don't say another word, until they get into car.