Squid

SUMMARY: 3: "Jaime Lannister was everything Theon had ever wanted to be. He was a ladies' man, he was athletic, and he had flowing blond hair that managed to encapsulate the perfect combination of manliness and sensitivity. In other words, Jaime Lannister was the kind of guy who should have been posing on the front of trashy Harlequin novels rather than spend time amongst the lesser attractive individuals of King's Landing."

AUTHOR'S NOTE: It's been a while since I last updated! I just finished exams, so now I can focus on writing more.

I'm not super proud of this particular ficlet. I just wanted some Jaime and this ended up as the result. It's not as funny as the other ones, but I hope you enjoy and leave a review!

Oh and I'm starting a new project. Haven't figured out a title yet, but I will as soon as possible. It will also be a Modern AU and it will be a bit of a crack!fic. The main character this time is going to be Bran. Can't give away too much, but I will tell you that it also involves the Reed siblings, Margaery Tyrell, and perhaps Quentyn Martell. I hope to start posting chapters for that maybe next week (if the creative bug bites).

To Theon Greyjoy, who had grown up in the Stark household, Ned Stark had been the epitome of everything awesome about the world, rolled up into one tall, slightly intimidating package.

Then, he had met Jaime Lannister.

Junior high had been torturous for Theon. Sure, he had his two foster-brothers and they were pretty decent guys but they weren't exactly very cool. Jon was girly looking with his shoulder length, curly black hair that he refused to trim. Robb had braces; they were glow-in-the-dark blue with matching elastics that he loved to take out at the dinner table. And they were a year younger than Theon.

Then again, it wasn't like he was any cooler. Theon was tall for his age and not very coordinated. It was as if he hadn't gotten used to his growth spurt, resulting in utter klutziness and a prompt rejection from nearly every sports team, save for swimming.

Jaime Lannister was everything Theon had ever wanted to be. He was a ladies' man, he was athletic, and he had flowing blond hair that managed to encapsulate the perfect combination of manliness and sensitivity. In other words, Jaime Lannister was the kind of guy who should have been posing on the front of trashy Harlequin novels rather than spend time amongst the lesser attractive individuals of King's Landing.

One day, Theon had been rushing to get to his locker right after history when someone crashed into him from behind, sending them sprawling across the freshly waxed linoleum.

"Watch where you're going, dweeb!" An angry female voice screeched.

Theon looked up and was greeted by the sight of the most beautiful woman he'd ever seen. With her cascading golden curls, eyes like emeralds, and a perfectly proportioned body, Cersei Lannister was a sight to behold. Too bad her temper was horrendous and she was oddly protective of her twin brother.

"It's okay, Cersei." Jaime consoled, grasping her by the arm and helping her to get to her feet. "He didn't mean to do that."

Theon was speechless. Here were the golden twins of King's Landing Secondary School. Royalty in their own right, they had once ruled the school with an iron fist and stunningly gorgeous good looks. Though they had graduated quite a few years ago, stories of their rather infamous deeds were still spread throughout the student body.

"I'm sorry." Theon's voice cracked. He cleared his throat. "I'm sorry," he repeated in a deeper voice, hoping that one of the Lannister siblings would acknowledge him as something other than a puny freshman in their way.

"He said sorry, Cersei," Jaime said. "It was just an accident."

Tossing her hair over one glorious shoulder, Cersei cast Theon a dismissive look and stalked off without Jaime.

"She seems angry," Theon commented lightly and then silently swore. He hoped that he hadn't offended Jaime.

"It's not your fault," Jaime laughed. "She's always like this."

Theon smiled nervously. "I have sisters too," he said in a desperate attempt to perpetuate the conversation.

"You're very lucky then. It's always nice to have siblings."

Theon grimaced, thinking of Sansa always in princess outfits and Arya who had reached a phase where she ran around the house yelling and brandishing a stick. Theon still had the bruises.

"I'm Jaime by the way," Jaime held out his hand for Theon to shake. Theon shook with clammy hands, pretending not to notice how Jaime subtly wiped his hands down the front of his probably designer jeans.

"I'm Theon," he responded in kind.

"Theon? No, I don't like Theon."

Theon felt petrified.

"No, I'm going to have to think of a nickname for you. I'm going to call you Squid."

"Squid?" Theon was confused.

"Squid," Jaime confirmed. "If only you had seen yourself fall." He chuckled lowly.

Theon joined in Jaime's laughter, not sure whether to feel offended or pleased that he was on such familiar terms with one of the Lannisters.

"Well Squid, I think you should be getting to class. I'll see you around."

Jaime then walked down the hall. Theon stared at his retreating back, swearing to every god he knew that he would one day be just as cool as Jaime Lannister and give slightly insulting nicknames to every freshman who tripped his sister.

(Think the story's over? Not quite. You see, Theon would go on to quietly worship Jaime Lannister, attending all the football games at his university, and going so far as to attempt to make the team. No, the most interesting part of Theon's story has yet to occur.)

Just like every star athlete, Jaime Lannister had a lucky charm. If you didn't know the story behind it, you'd thought it was pathetic for a man to tote around a golden lion keychain. Then again, you probably just didn't know Jaime Lannister and how that little trinket was a gift from his now-deceased mother.

And just like in every clichéd movie, Jaime happened to have misplaced the keychain right before one of the biggest games of his university career.

And just like every clichéd, whiny, spoiled, trust-fund baby who just so happened to have a penchant for football, Jaime refused to play without the keychain hanging from his bag like it normally did.

"I'm not playing without it!"

"Jaime, it's a bloody keychain!" Coach Barristan Selmy groaned. "Can't you play without it?"

Jaime shook his head. "I at least need to know where it is."

"Jaime my boy," Coach Selmy sighed. "There're going to be scouts out there. This game will either make you or break you and I want you to do well."

"I know," Jaime whispered. "But I need to find it. Please."

Coach Selmy regarded him doubtfully.

"It'll only take a little while," Jaime pressed. "I'll be back before the game even starts."

Selmy slapped a hand to his balding head. "Fine," he conceded. "But hurry up!"

Jaime practically threw himself off the beach and ran out into the crisp autumn air. "I'll be back as soon as I can!"

Nearby, Theon was walking through the parking lot, hoping to get good seats at the game before it started. At the request of their mother, Jon and Robb had accompanied him.

"Is this going to take long?" Jon asked moodily. "I don't want to stay for so long. Football players are stupid."

"Can we get ice cream after this?" Robb asked. "Mom doesn't let me have ice cream and I want some."

"Shut up," Theon said angrily.

"Don't tell me to shut up," Jon shot back. "I hate this. I want to go home. I have homework to do."

"Writing crappy poetry about your feelings doesn't count as real homework!"

"At least I can write poetry, Mr. Tuba-Player!"

"Well—well you're a stupid face!"

"Shut up."

"Says the boy who went to band camp."

"We all went to band camp, Jon!"

"Shut up!"

"I'm telling dad on you, Robb!"

"Well I'm telling mom!"

"FOR GOD'S SAKE, WILL THE TWO OF YOU JUST SHUT UP?" Theon yelled at his brothers.

They stared at him, wide-eyed. And then Theon saw it; it was just a flash of gold on the concrete. Picking it up, he looked at it closely. It was a keychain and hanging off of it was a cool-looking gold lion. Or, it would have been cool if the lion wasn't a little plush toy.

"Ew, Theon!" Robb inched away from him. "Don't pick stuff off the ground. That's gross!"

"He can do whatever he wants to do," Jon contradicted. "He's a teenager, stupid."

"I'm not stupid!"

"Yes you are."

"No!"

"Who got 40% on his math test? Couldn't have been me. I got almost 100."

"No you didn't, Jon! Stop lying."

"I'm not lying."

"Do you two ever stop fighting?" Theon snapped, still holding the keychain between his thumb and forefinger. Finally, Robb and Jon ceased their arguing, standing on either side of Theon and glaring.

"Goddammnit."

"Theon, no swearing," Robb scolded.

"I'm not swearing," Theon said. "Jon, was that you?"

"No."

Theon's eyes swept over the parking lot. There was nobody there but—oh wait. There was somebody there. Behind the tinted windows of a red Ferrari, Theon could see somebody.

"Where the heck is it?" The same voice asked.

The voice was familiar. Who was it?

"Crap, Selmy's going to kill me."

Cautiously walking toward the car, Theon called out a tense, "Hello?"

The figure started and bumped its head. "Owch, dammnit. Oh hi there. Do I know you?"

"Hi Jaime Lannister," Theon greeted.

"Hello small child," Jaime reciprocated awkwardly. "Are you lost? Would you like me to call your parents for you or something?"

"No!" Theon said, slightly offended. "No, I just came to watch the game with my brothers."

"You're Squid!"

"Theon, actually. My name is Theon Greyjoy."

"Are these kids your brothers?" Jaime asked.

Theon nodded. "This is Jon and the one curled up on the ground in fetal position is Rob—JON WHY IS ROBB CURLED UP ON THE GROUND IN FETAL POSITION?"

Jon shrugged. "S'not my fault he can't duck."

Jaime laughed. "Cute kids. Listen, have you seen a keychain around here? It has a little stuffed lion hanging off it."

"And if I have?"

Jaime chuckled nervously. "Uhh…it belongs to my sister. She's really attached to it and if I don't find it, she'll…she'll throw a fit I guess?"

"You mean this keychain?" Theon held up the trinket he'd found earlier.

"LIONEL!" Jaime nearly shrieked. "Uh, I mean, thank you." He cleared his throat.

"Hey," Theon pointed at Jaime. "Shouldn't you be warming up for the game?"

"Oh crap!" Jaime slapped a hand to his forehead. "Selmy's going to put my head on a platter! Thanks for finding my—I mean my sister's keychain!"

"You're welcome," Theon called out as Jaime jogged away.

"Is that Jaime Lannister?" A rather roughed up looking Robb asked, sounding a little in awe.

"Yep."

"And he knows your name?"

"Well," Theon scratched his chin, "not exactly, but he's pretty close."

"He seems so cool," Robb said dreamily.

Theon laughed. Jaime Lannister was the coolest guy he'd ever met. Too bad he was a crap liar.

Mini-Epilogue

Of course King's Landing University would go on to win that game. Everyone would cheer for Jaime Lannister, branding him their hero and golden boy.

And of course Jaime would get scouted. Did you really expect anything less for a Lannister?

But what no one else knows is that Jaime Lannister attributes that particular victory to a certain squid.

(Well maybe the squid does know. It's hard not to when Jaime Lannister shows up at your school the next day and calls you his new best friend in front of everyone, cementing your now-celebrity status.)