September 2012

"It doesn't matter, it's only time."

How true those words were. Twelve years ago Brian was a different man; a carefree 29-year-old who spent his nights out drinking, drugging, and fucking. Now, twelve years later, he was a 41-year-old married man with a son about to turn twelve, and his partner a man twelve years his junior. The amount of significance to the number twelve had Brian shaking his head.

The date wasn't significant only because of Gus's birthday, but also because it was the "anniversary" of the night Brain met Justin. That night, in the two most important ways, was the most transformative of Brian's entire life. The two people he loved most in the world came to him that night, and he would never let either of them go.

Brain recalled Justin telling him once that he was the most mature person Brian knew. He wasn't wrong then, and sometimes Brian thought it was still true. Justin had gone through a lot, and while Brian liked to take credit for helping shape him into the best homosexual he could possibly be, he also recognized that it would have happened anyway. Justin would have been destined for greatness with or without Brian's influence. Things might have progressed slower, and probably easier, for him if Brian hadn't been involved, but even given all that, Brian would never give up those years painful as they were. He knew Justin wouldn't either because while Justin might have grown to become a person much like he was now, he wouldn't be the same Justin that he was. The Justin that Brian loved. Brian was not one to think about the past, or to wonder, what if? But just recently he had given that some thought. What if he hadn't picked up Justin outside Babylon that night? Would he have simply found him some other night at Babylon or Woody's? And if Brian hadn't been Justin's first, would Justin have persisted in his pursuit of him? Or would they have simply fucked and parted never to see each other again?

Not that it mattered, really. Brian had Justin now, and he would forever. They'd made promises to each other and in front of everyone they knew; and Brian kept his promises.

Everything Justin had gone through that first year Brian knew him gave Justin the aura of someone far older than his age in years would indicate. In fact many times over the years Brian forgot Justin was so young. And sometimes he forgot he was so much older. Occasionally he'd remember what he'd said to Mikey on the hospital roof the night Gus was born; that his son was a ticking clock marking the passage of time. It was true – but now Brian didn't think of it as the end of the world, like he had when he was 29 and basically pretty damn clueless about life and love.

And he loved his son, every day more than the one before. It was a shock and a wonder. He cherished their time together now but sometimes found himself lamenting having missed the first few years when he'd been a baby – and had lived in the same country. Brian had wasted so much time back then; he hadn't been ready to be a father.

To be fair, though, Lindsay had never asked him to be a proper father, but once Gus was born and once Brian held him he'd fallen in love and he found he kind of wanted to be a father…when it was convenient and when he had the time. He had never made it a priority in those early years and now he was realizing what it was he'd missed out on.

It was slow to come and he was many, many years behind his friends, but Brian was finally, really, truly growing up and as such, he started feeling legitimate and true regrets. It pissed him off, too, because Brian was all about no excuses, no apologies and no regrets, yet he found himself stewing over something that was becoming a real regret. He thought about it so much it actually caused him pain. He actually felt compelled to call the munchers, to call Gus, and apologize for not being there from the very start. He didn't, but he wanted too so many times. He allowed himself to feel this way because he realized it was valid. He had a right, and many would probably argue an obligation, to feel guilty about his apparent apathy when Gus was little. He didn't want to make the same mistake again…

His life was so different now than it had been when Gus was a baby. Brian had Justin, together they had a home and now, every time they had to send Gus back to Toronto, his heart broke. The home they shared was full of life, and love, but empty of a child's laughter. When Gus would let loose, his giggles would echo throughout the halls and Brian adored the sound. He wanted more of it. And it wasn't that he wanted to replace Gus either, but he did feel like maybe he wanted to raise a child with Justin. Maybe he was ready to potentially take that step. It had been on his mind for a long time, years even. And the idea of it scared the shit out of him.

The day he finally acknowledged the feelings and decided to take action was the day they'd said goodbye to Gus back after his two month summer visit. Watching Gus leave, not knowing exactly when he'd see him again had hurt so much. And again, Brian didn't want to replace Gus but he did realize that maybe having children wasn't as evil incarnate as he'd always thought. His mind swam with visions of babies; children; an adorable blond haired blue eyed girl or boy, or maybe a dark haired dark eyes girl or boy. He even fucking dreamed about them. And to Brian, that was the final sign that he needed to talk to Justin.

"Hey," Brian came into their bedroom. He'd been wandering the house, trying to figure out how to tell Justin what he needed to tell him. It was a delicate situation. Justin had always wanted a family and for Brian, broaching the subject was something he approached with some caution.

Justin was packing his suitcase still, while Brian's suitcase sat ready to go by the bedroom door. They were leaving in the morning for a long weekend in Toronto for Gus's birthday and then they were jetting off to Greece for two weeks, for their "anniversary".

"So I think this might be the last trip we can take for a little while," Brian sat down on the end of the bed and watched as Justin pulled every item of white, tan, or beige clothing he owned out of the closet and proceeded to fold it into his suitcase. He threw Brian a confused look.

"Why? I thought Kinnetik was doing awesome," he said, pulling out of the dresser all his shorts and the several pairs of linen pants Brian had insisted they buy last year. They'd never been worn, but the trip to Greece had been in the works since that time and Brian knew they would be worn eventually. Justin had given him an odd look when Brian had insisted they each buy several pairs, but he hadn't argued. He never put up much of a fight when Brian offered to buy him nice clothes.

"Oh. It is," Brian assented, enjoying watching Justin's hands as they worked to perfectly fold each item. No matter that in all the handling the suitcase would get the clothes were destined to become jumbled and wrinkled anyway. Brian bit his lips to keep from laughing.

"So why can't we travel anymore?" Justin said casually, pulling his swim trunks and his speedo from the dresser and tossing both into the bag. Brian remembered when he'd brought the Speedos home last week. Justin's eyes had bulged out of his head when Brian had suggested they wear them. His adamant refusal to do so had held strong until he saw Brian in his. But before Brian would let Justin touch him, he made him put the other one on. Then they'd made love in the pool. Several times. Raw.

They'd been going without condoms for a few months now. It was ridiculously hot, and Brian had never known he could possibly feel more than he already did when he was with Justin; but the sex was even more incredible than before and with all the new sensations they each were feeling they took their time now. Sure, they'd occasionally do it fast and hard like old times, but more often than not they savored it – let the sensual closeness linger. Brian got hard just thinking about it.

"I didn't say can't," Brian said and Justin rolled his eyes.

"God," he shook his head, "you and your 'can't' and 'won't'."

Justin disappeared into the bathroom and reemerged with his travel shaving kit.

"Okay, I'll bite. Why won't we be able to travel?"

Brian watched him for several minutes as he rearranged the suitcase, evening out the layers of clothing before he stacked several blank sketch pads and a few small, stretched canvases. He then laid the last bit of clothing in and around the canvases to protect them. He'd never flown with canvases already stretched and though Brian said they could buy some once they got to Greece Justin was insistent on taking his own.

"Well?" Justin leveled his gaze at Brian.

"Well," Brain stood, moving to stand behind Justin, wrapping his arms around his torso and nibbling at his neck, "we might be busy with a baby."

Justin stopped mid motion, and Brian buried his face in Justin's neck, pulling the smaller man tightly to him.

"Brian," his voice was soft and cautious.

"Justin," Brian retorted just as softly, but with encouragement.

"Are you saying you want to have a baby?" Justin turned to Brian and raised his eyebrows with a slight smile on his face. Brian felt a stab at his heart. God, he was beautiful. Even in sweats and a paint-stained tee and with a dopey grin on his face.

"I'm saying I'm willing to talk about the possibility," Brian murmured, softly pressing his lips to Justin's, feeling the other man's smile against his lips as his arms went around his neck.

"He's not perfect. You aren't either, and the two of you will never be perfect. But if he can make you laugh at least once, causes you to think twice, and if he admits to being human and making mistakes, hold onto him and give the most you can. He isn't going to quote poetry, he's not thinking about you every moment, but he will give you a part of him that he knows you could break. Don't hurt him, don't change him, and don't expect for more than he can give. Don't analyze. Smile when he makes you happy, yell when he makes you mad, and miss him when he's not there. Love hard when there is love to be had. Because perfect guys don't exist, but there's always one guy that is perfect for you."

~Bob Marley

A/N: and that's it. Thank you all for reading and commenting! I really appreciate it so much. Knowing you like my little world I built for these two really helped me realize it more fully and I hope you enjoyed taking the journey as much as I enjoyed crafting it. I'll be back with more QAF sometime soon...and maybe one day I'll add to this little diddy! In the meantime, keep on dancing!