7- old

They return back from the gathering and grocery shopping, and Noatak makes an elaborate spicy peanut noodle dish and a side of soup. While he purses his lips to eat, Korra comes once again to the bitter reminder that she knows nothing about him, and yet here she is, sleeping with him, making public appearances with him, and eating his meals. Scratch that- she is aware that he makes adorable noises in bed, owns enough books to fit a suitcase larger than the one which contained his clothes, attempted to attend medical school, and had a past life as Amon. She does not know his birthday, his hobbies outside of reading, or his favorite movies. It fills her with discomfort.

"Tell me about yourself," she says as he is in mid-chew. He gives her a puzzled look, downs a glass of water, and laughs gently.

"There's nothing to tell, other than quantitative facts that don't mean anything. My favorite color is sea foam green, an Equalist woman taught me how to cook, and I like birds- what do you get from that knowledge? Literally nothing. It's a plague of social interactions, really. Most people only gather with a shared interest, and if you strip them of said interests, they have nothing left to talk about."

Korra scowls. "It's just a request, you don't have to blow it out of proportion! I'd like to know a person well if I'm living with them, or else it's just weird."

"So you want to get to know me," Noatak states, as though he is preparing to guard himself. "There's nothing to know, other than I am here for your benefit, and for all intents and purposes, you can consider me yours entirely. Property, pet, significant other, sugar baby- it means little to me in the long run."

"You're fucking insane." She groans, placing her utensils down.

back to square one

"Fine. Play it that way. I order you to tell me about yourself. Go into elaborate, unnecessary detail. We have all night, and I don't have any events to go to for the next week."

His laughter is so pleased that it almost disgusts her, the revulsion mixing with intense pity.

"Very well then. I lived in a foster home for as long as I can remember, and any prospective parents were turned off by me because I was very quiet and unaffectionate. As a child grows older the chances of them being adopted grows very slim, so I lived in that system until I was fully grown. I tried to cultivate my own interests. I learned a lot of musical instruments to the point of slightly better than mediocrity, but I tend to give up hobbies as soon as I get decent at it. It's a defeatist attitude of thinking I don't deserve anything, but at least it got me a lot of money from performing in the street. I have an encyclopedic knowledge of botany and reading is the one thing I indulge in that doesn't upset me, because knowledge is a gift rather than a skill you work hard for."

"What else?" She asks, and she recalls something she wanted desperately to know. "Are you a bender?"

"Yes, a waterbender. I found my prior beliefs hypocritical. Bending is not evil. Impoverished countries of the Earth Kingdom with limited technology use it to till their crops and build their homes. Waterbenders save lives every day, and even with modern surgery it's still helpful, and often more affordable and less invasive. I was blinded by ignorance and abuse I endured in my childhood, but I know better now. Bending isn't evil; power simply corrupts, and I was guilty of it."

Korra processes this slowly, and proceeds with caution. "Are you a bloodbender?"

Noatak's face turns grave. "Yes. I know the body very intimately, and only ever used it on myself. I can make myself puke if I felt like it. I can make myself lightheaded to the point of fainting if I ever wanted to get out of a situation that was unpleasant, or simply couldn't deal with myself that day. I can make my body warmer if I'm cold, I can make my body colder if I'm hot, and whenever I self harm I make sure I never have any scarring."

She is unaware whether to be horrified or thoroughly impressed, so she chooses both. "You... self harm?"

"Of course! I would have killed myself already if I didn't prefer that you do it instead."

"Do you still want me to?" she asks, feeling frail.

"It would be ideal, but pleasing you works too."

"That makes me feel horrible."

"I'm sorry," he says, and she feels the hurt in his voice. "Is there anything I can do?"

"No. There's nothing you can do. I guess we're just going to have to feel horrible together, until we get used to it eventually."

Noatak gets up and walks over to her and kisses her on the forehead, and she swears it feels dangerously close to love.

"If you want, I can act like Amon, and you can get furious with me, if it makes it easier."

There's tears in her eyes, and she tries in vain to blink them out.

"But you're not Amon, and you're too delusional and fucked up to understand that. You're an eighteen year old boy who punishes himself for absolutely no reason, for something thrust upon you that you had no control over, who wants to get bossed around and owned by an old maid, when you should be dating a nice girl and taking her out to dinner."

She's crying now, and she feels so ugly, so alone; to have someone's devotion for all the wrong reasons. Noatak cradles her and his affection makes her feel even worse; how could he? How can someone's love hurt this much?

I'm sorry

"I'll tell you something funny, Korra," he says, and his voice feels miles away. "When I was Amon, I'd clip pictures of you in the papers and keep them in a little book. I knew I hated you and everything you stood for, but I hear snippets of your activities in those interviews, and I thought that you meant well, and clearly cared very much about people, and it was so unfortunate that you were a bender, because I would have been very fond of you if you weren't. It tore me up and tortured me. And that's why I- I wanted both, the person and the body, and thought I could have settled for your body, but-"

He recoils from her, visibly shaken.

"And that's why I can never forgive myself, even if I'm not Amon anymore. He can never make up for what he's done, so I thought I should."

She thinks she understands. The memory kills her, seeps into her insides, constricts her throat, makes her angry and makes her feel vulnerable, and finally, she thinks she understands.

He must feel that way every day.

Korra wipes her eyes, takes a few calming breaths, and looks at him directly. "I don't forgive him either, but like I said before, if you remember. What did I say?"

Noatak is beautiful, roses in winter and icicles in spring.

"Take care of me, and I will take care of you," he recites, as though the words are a blessing.

"That's all I want from you."

He smiles. They finish dinner in silence, sleep in the bed without sleeping together, and he dozes off before she does. In slumber, he looks even younger, with his tired, spent eyes shielded away. She rests a hand to cup his cheek, trying to commit his features by heart, before nodding off herself.

Asami calls Korra's home two days later and proceeds to give her the politest scolding she could manage.

- he's using you, he's a bum who wants fame, I thought you knew better-

-he hoarded enough money just from odd jobs to last ten years comfortably, relax, he's very sweet, if he wanted to bum off someone famous he definitely set his goals too low-

-you're crazy, do you know what this will do for your public image?-

-all you care about is public image, Asami, that's why you left me and Tahno, and it's too late to take it back-

-I had no choice-

-of course you didn't.-

-I'm sorry-

-of course you are.-

It doesn't end well. When Noatak asks why she is upset, she says it is an old wound he should have no concern over, and notifies him of two dinner guests the following Saturday. He enthusiastically offers to make a full course meal, and asks who they are.

"Oh, just my two friends who I had a threesome with that I successfully hid for seven years."

She is too blunt, and wonders if she has offended him.

"Wow, that's so cool. I hope they don't think I'm annoying."