No Joke

It was a dimly-lit warehouse, a huge room shrouded in shadow with only a tiny lightbulb flickering over the rickety chair. The room contained one occupant, a man in a bat costume, who groaned as he opened his eyes, regaining consciousness. He found his hands were tied to the back of the chair and peered around in the darkness, trying to get some clue as to what was going on.

"Wakey wakey, Bats!" chuckled a voice he recognized, as an all too familiar figure stepped into the light in front of him.

"Joker," he growled. "What twisted game is it now?"

"Oh, no game, Batsy," he replied, grinning. "No tricks, no jokes, no gags this time. Just me and you. Alone and helpless. I've been waiting for this moment a long time."

"And so what are you going to do to me?" he demanded.

"Something I should have done a long time ago," he said, smiling. He suddenly seized his face in his hands and thrust his mouth upon his in a kiss of intense passion, a kiss which Batman returned, breaking out of his ropes and pulling Joker down to him, and then…

Joker suddenly woke up screaming, sitting bolt upright in bed and startling Harley awake. "Puddin'?" she cried, immediately concerned and hugging him tightly. "Puddin', what is it? What's wrong? Did you have a nightmare, baby?"

Joker couldn't respond for a moment, panting in horror. "It's ok, puddin', your Harley girl is here with you," she murmured, planting kisses all over his face. "Nothing to be afraid of. Nothing can hurt you with your devoted Harley around."

"Get off, Harley!" he shouted, shoving her away abruptly. Then he just as suddenly seized her and pulled her into his embrace, kissing her ardently. It wasn't anything like in the dream, thank goodness. This felt normal and natural, not weird and wrong, which his conscious mind assured him the dream kiss had been. It hadn't seemed that way in the dream though, which was the disturbing part.

"Oh…wow, Mr. J!" breathed Harley, beaming in delight when he released her at last. "I kinda wish you had nightmares more often!"

She tried to kiss him again, but he pushed her away. "That's enough, you greedy brat!" he snarled, lying back down.

It had been enough, enough to confirm that he was still in his right mind, or at least, as right as his mind ever was. It was enough to confirm that his conscious feelings and urges, however rare they were, were still for an objectively attractive young woman, and not for a man in a bat costume. That was a relief – he didn't want things to be awkward between him and the Bat. He hated how stupid dreams were sometimes, how they didn't make any sense but still intruded on reality and made things seem funny. And not good funny.

He felt Harley's arms come about him. "You wanna tell me about your dream, puddin'?" she breathed into his ear.

"No," he snapped. "Just go back to sleep, you dumb blonde."

"Sounded pretty scary though, puddin'," she murmured. "You might not be able to go back to sleep for a while, huh? Might have to find something else to do in bed, won't ya, Mr. J? How about your Harley girl?"

She had put her leg over him and was rubbing against him, kissing the back of his neck. Her arm slid down to touch him, but he shoved her away again. "I said go to sleep!" he shouted.

She whined. "Oh, puddin', why do you have to tease me like this?" she snapped. "It ain't funny! It's just mean!"

"I'm not in the mood, Harley!" he shouted.

"Well, I'm trying to get you in the mood!" she yelled. "Or can't you read my signals?! I don't think I'm a very subtle dame, Mr. J!"

"No, you sure as hell ain't!" he shouted. "And you ain't very attractive to me right now, you whiny brat!"

"Then why did you just kiss me like that?" she demanded.

"Never mind!" he snapped. "Just go to sleep!"

Harley whined again, rolling over. They lay in silence for some minutes, before Harley sighed deeply. Joker tried to ignore it and fall asleep, but a few minutes later, she sighed and whined again.

"Shut up!" he shouted, turning over and hitting her.

"I can't help it, puddin'!" she retorted. "I'm all revved up now with nothing to oil my gears! Not unless my big, strong mechanic wants to do it," she murmured, snuggling against him again. "C'mon, puddin', please?"

"I've said not tonight, you greedy brat!" he shouted.

"But I need it, puddin'!" she whined. "Oh please, please, please, please, please, please? Pretty, pretty, pretty please with sugar on top?"

"Go…to…sleep…now…or…I'll…break…your…goddamn…face," he hissed, seizing her chin and enunciating every word. He rolled over again and Harley whined.

"Oh, why did you have to threaten me, Mr. J?" she sighed. "That only made it worse!"

She continued to make whining noises as Joker pulled the pillow over his head, trying to drown her out. She suddenly sat up at last.

"Fine. I was saving it for Valentine's Day, but you've left me no choice. I've got something that'll excite you, Mr. J!" she exclaimed, leaping from bed and rushing out of the room.

Joker sighed, sitting up. At this point it might be easier just to do what she wanted and get it over with. While he didn't like Harley thinking she could blackmail him like this, at least it would let him get back to sleep fairly quickly. And it would make him forget about his dream. He couldn't focus on anything other than Harley during the act – she was incredibly vocal. He was all ready to welcome her back to bed with open arms, when suddenly music started playing and Harley reappeared in the doorway, dressed in a Batman costume, which she proceeded to slowly strip off in time to the music, smiling enticingly at him.

Joker stared at her in disbelief and horror. That quickly turned to rage. "What the hell do you think you're doing?!" he shouted, jumping up from bed and putting his fist through the stereo, stopping the music and Harley in the middle of her striptease.

"I thought you'd enjoy it, puddin'!" she exclaimed, surprised.

"And why would I enjoy that?!" he demanded, seizing her by her pigtails. "What are you trying to say about me and Bats?!"

"Nothing, puddin'!" replied Harley, genuinely shocked. "I just thought you'd find it funny! It is funny, ain't it, Mr. J?"

"No, it ain't!" he shouted.

"Why not?" she asked.

"Cause it ain't!" he shouted.

"Aw, Mr. J, how am I ever supposed to be funny if you don't tell me how?!" she shouted, stamping her foot.

"Look, just take that stupid mask off!" he shouted, ripping it off her face.

"Hey! That was the big finale!" she shrieked. "Why'd you ruin it, you big jerk?!"

She kicked him in the shins and he slapped her hard across the face. They were in a fight in seconds, and when Joker finally stopped punching her, Harley gazed up at him hopefully. "You in the mood yet, Mr. J?" she murmured.

He didn't respond, but grabbed his pillow and a blanket and left the room, heading into the living room and tossing them on the sofa. He then slammed the door in Harley's face, locking it.

She knocked frantically. "Mr. J! Mr. J! Please, puddin', I need it!"

She started sobbing, and Joker rolled over on the sofa, trying to ignore her. He could only hope when he finally got to sleep at last, he wouldn't have any more disturbing dreams. They weren't funny.