Hello,

I am Dat Bair Guy, or BairSaysHi, or merely Bair. As I said in the past, on my only other story, which will take priority over this one, I will not have much time to write, nor will this be a very good story, seeing as I'm only in high school. However, I hope that you will enjoy and give your constructive criticism for my piece here. Thank you in advance, and for reading through this. Listen to the second arrangement of Legend of KAGE on kkcwkoh's channel, and keep repeating it, will you please?

Regards,

-Bair

DISCLAIMER: Familiar of Zero [Zero no Tsukaima], as well as all of its characters, music, and locations are all the property of Noboru Yamaguchi.

And so, without further ado, let's start.

I'm standing in what looks like a courthouse, which may not seem all that intimidating. What is intimidating, however, is the sounds of torturous screams coming from behind the bench, the colossal size of the courtroom in general, and most of all, the entryway, which I would call magnificent if not for the pulsing red light that leaked through the cracks, the intense heat emanating from the door, and the sheer amount of force that seemed to lie behind. Not to mention the redhead reaper girl[1] presumably standing guard at the door, who may or may not be carrying a huge scythe.

So, sounds like I'm in hell, right? Or at least really close to it.

As my gaze wanders from the green-haired woman[1] who is lecturing me, I take in just how beautiful, and just how terrible this place really is. Despite its semblance to a courtroom, the gallery is extremely small, as if it could only accommodate a couple dozen people. The atmosphere is one of great gravity, as if it will influence the rest of my life- Wait a minute. I'm dead. Never mind that then. Oh yeah, about that, just two days ago, I was hit by a car in one of the greatest cities on Earth: Tokyo, Japan. But now, I'm apparently being judged by a diminutive green-haired judge whether I should go to hell or not. Sounds fun. And let me tell you, the highway to hell was ridiculously long, as well as the line. I mean, two days! But how about we move back to the present? But the physical atmosphere is even worse. There is an extreme sense of dryness in the air, as though the air itself is trying to drain me of all my moisture. The room is also unbearably hot, and it's rather hard to believe that out of the three in this room, I'm the only one who appears to be breaking a sweat. Neither the judge nor the reaper seem to show any discomfort at the heat, but I suspect that my own sweat is partially due to my severe nervousness at my impending judgment. I mean, it's a once in a lifeti- *Ahem* It's a once in a life-deathtime experience, right? Hmm... That just does not sound right. Anyways, let's get back to what is actually important: my judgment. As I tune my eyes and ears back onto the judge, her intimidating and strong voice, which for some reason does not match her small stature, once more bores into my ears, making me remember, or at least try my hardest to, every word of what she says. It's actually kind of annoying. Let's turn away from that for a second. To help distract myself from the harsh lecture I'm receiving, I pretend to fix my clothes, which is a simple black and white kimono that I found on myself when I woke up in hell. I wonder who dressed me, and how though...?

*Cough*

Anyways, now might be a ripe time for introductions, I believe. My name is Enjun no Keiji, and I am- Used to be, rather, a student at a small high school located in Tokyo, whose name I believe to be unimportant. While I'm still getting over the fact that I died, I was sixteen when that damn car hit me. I would consider myself to be a, erm, multifaceted human being. I can be incredibly different to different people in different situations. One of my hobbies is languages. I'm obviously fluent in Japanese, as well as Mandarin Chinese. I consider myself proficient in English, French, and Swedish. Thought it's doubtful that any of those will help in hell. Anyways, back on topic, something interesting that you might want to know is tha-

"Are you even listening to me?", the judge questions with a rather sinister tone. Oh, crap. But before I can formulate a response, she barges on anyways, not even waiting for poor old me. "Anyways, without further ado, after intensive review over your life, with good events and bad, I believe that the time is right to determine the quality of your soul, black or white."

Oh, double crap. Maybe I should've been listening. Then my judgment won't come as such a surprise. Starting to shake a little bit in fear, I strengthen my gaze to look the judge evenly in the eyes, as she takes a deep breath.

"Enjun no Keiji, with my power as the Supreme Judge of Paradise, I pronounce your soul to be-"

BOOM

And oh so rudely cutting off the judge, with a huge plume of smoke and a small but violent explosion, appears a human-sized, floating, pulsing, green portal. Looks wonderful. As if the atmosphere couldn't get more tense, the portal is apparently exerting even more of a forceful sense of pressure than the doors of hell, which is a little bit worrying, to say the least. And the only thing coming from the portal, excepting the smoke and light, of course, are these a few words, in a language that sounds uncannily like French, but isn't just quite. Still, I'm lucky I can understand it in the first place, though my grasp is rather shaky.

"Hear... Answer my summons... Come forth, my familiar!"

And with that last word, the portal seems to ripple, as the already small distance between me and the portal distort, as it suddenly pulls me in, in to a dark void where I immediately lose consciousness.

Now, I presume that it is understood that I am reluctant to open my eyes, as even though I am no longer in a burning, serious hell, I am lying on the ground feeling like my ribs were just recently broken, then rehealed, if that makes any sense at all. Seeing as the last time I opened my eyes, I was indeed in that hell, I really don't feel like it. Unfortunately, it doesn't seem as though I have a choice, as the sound of incessant and slightly annoying laughter is ringing my ears from all around. Damn it. At least the ground is comfortable, though the smoky air, presumably the same smoke as when hell exploded, isn't helping much either.

As I open my eyes, and refocus both my vision and hearing, I watch as the smoke clears around me to reveal a huge crowd, perhaps a hundred people, all forming a circle around me and either staring or laughing. Saying that they're making me feel self-conscious would be the understatement of the century. From what I can see through the still relatively hazy air, they all appear to be ranging from sixteen to eighteen years of age, with a few outliers. One of them is a balding man with glasses, a blue robe, and a huge staff about as tall as him. I would reckon that he's a teacher figure of sorts to the others here, who, speaking of which, are still staring at me. And not just staring.

"Who could that be?"

"Is it a commoner?"

"Typical Zero Louise, summoning a commoner?"

"He's nothing special at all!"

"Look at his clothes. Surely he's a commoner."

Yes, interspersed with all the laughter comes a slurry of questions and what can be considered insults, all asked and said in that same French-ish language, though the insults don't seem to be directed at me. Rather, as I follow the gaze of several people, my eyes land on a small looking girl with pink hair. She, like every other person here, excepting me, is wearing a long sleeved button-up white shirt, as well as a long black robe and a matching black skirt. Not to mention the fact that she looks absolutely burning with rage, and I have a bad feeling about who that rage is directed at.

And my heart stops as she turns to me, her eyes still alight with anger.

"Who are you?" She asks, teeth gritted and with a tone that perfectly matches her burning eyes. Something tells me that I should probably listen to this girl for now. Well, I hope that my moderate knowledge of French can get me through this.

"...My name is Enjin no Keiji. It's a pleasure..." I manage to say, after a pause of recollection. Hopefully it's understandable. I think I got it right and didn't mangle it too bad... Damn my lack of French lessons.

"Well, Anjino." Well. Close enough. "You should consider yourself lucky. For you, commoner, you have been gifted by the chance to become my familiar", she says with a short sigh.
And with that, she kneels herself to my left and raises what looks like a wand in front of her... Okay? Don't know precisely what's going on here. Best to stay silent. And I do just that as she continues.

"My name is Louise Françoise le Blanc de la Vallière", she begins. Huh, long name. Fancy too. Going to have to remember that. "To the pentagon that holds the five powers, bless this one and yield him as my Familiar..." she continues her chanting, as I continue laying down, unsure at what the outcome could be.

And suddenly, Louise moves her head closer to mine and kisses me right on the lips.

"..."

"..."

Um, excuse me? I begin to feel a little bit of warmth rise to my cheeks, as Louise quickly pulls away from me and stands.

"The ritual is complete, Mr. Colbert", she says, directing her statement to Prof. Baldy, who happened to be just a few feet behind me.

"Congratulations, Miss Vallière. The contract will indeed be complete shortly." Colbert says, only serving to confuse me even more. What contra-

All of a sudden, a searing pain hits my right forearm. The abruptness and severity of the pain stuns me for a second, and causes my to fall back onto, well, my back. I quickly grab my forearm to see a set of foreign symbols slowly engrave themselves down my arm. Once the pain subsides, I begin to pick my self off the ground, slowly though, as I am unsure if any more pain or divine wrath will be brought down upon me.

"What... the hell... was that!?", I ask in a daze, then quickly facepalm. I spoke in Japanese again, damnit, I realize as several people are now looking at me with curious eyes.

"Apologies, for my outburst there. And you may or may not have mangled my name a while past. You can call me Keiji, or just Kei", I mutter, as I fully stand up and try to dust my kimono off. It is now that I am fully aware just how many people are staring at me, and even more unnerving: the complete silence of them all. Great. I feel self-conscious. Again. Thanks, y'all. But as I take a step forwards, a small object falls from the folds of my kimono. As I bend down to pick it up, I see exactly what it is. A faintly polished, square, bronze pocketwatch, attached on the end of a small chain. I pick it up in order to examine it closer. On the back, there is a stylized symbol that seems to be resonating a faint golden glow. The whole pocketwatch feels rather warm, and familiar in my hands. It gives me a feeling of security. How nice, I think, as I put the chain around my neck, then suddenly flinch, as as soon as the pocketwatch hits my chest, the symbols on my forearm spike in pain. What could that have been? I shake my head. Not the time to think about it. Now, back to business.

"Explanation, please?" ...I wish I could have said that in a more wordy manner. Though it looks like I'm getting my point across, as Mr. Colbert steps forwards, presumably to answer.

"You, young commoner, have just been summoned by Miss Vallière here to be her familiar. Those runes that are on your forearm, they are what signifies you as a familiar. Though I must say, I've never seen those precise runes before..." Colbert explains, lapsing into deep thought after finishing his statement.

"...Dismissed yet?" I ask, prompting Colbert to leave behind his train of thought.

"Ah! Right. You are all dismissed." He exclaims, still retaining his curious and thoughtful look. "Though mister... Anjine, was it? May I take a look, and possibly record, your familiar runes?" He asks, with the same intense curiosity.

"Close enough. And yes." I mumble, unsure why he wants to examine the writing. I mean, it can't be that different from any other rune that he saw before, right? And so, I extend my right arm to him, allowing him to record the writing, as most of the students file off the grass and into a nearby building. Meanwhile, Louise is standing just a few feet off to the side, tapping her foot and looking quite annoyed. I wonder why? Ah well, it doesn't matter now~

"..."

"..."

Well, what I can say now is that this is awkward. Louise, without saying a single word, just marched me up to her room. I thought naught of it at the time, but when we entered the room, all that changed. I opened the door to find... A huge queen bed taking up a majority of the room, a dresser presumably full of Louise's clothing, and a small table with a candle on it next to the door... Not to mention the pile of hay down on the floor to the side of the bed. Judging by the lack of other furnishings, I presume that that's where I'm sleeping. Fun.

"Right then. You. Familiar. What's your name?" Wow. Is it really that hard to forget my name? Sad. Might just be how hard it is for francophones to pronounce my name. I suppose Kei can suffice...

"Thought I told you. If not, my name is Enjin no Keiji. Just Kei is fine though." I reply, short and sweet.

"Well, Kei, that is an unusual name of yours. And tell me, why do you speak so little? You are in the presence of nobility, and as such, I expect you to show your utmost respect to me." She says, leaving me to ponder. What exactly is the difference between a commoner and a noble? And I can't say that I like her tone. It's kind of grating... Oh wait, she's waiting for an answer, isn't she? Better not delay too long. Don't wanna provoke her. Seems a little short-fused

"Not first language. Not very skilled." I comment, hoping that it suffices.

"Well, we'll have to remedy that, won't we?" She asks with a slightly evil grin as she pulls out her wand. Just slightly evil. I shut my eyes and tune out my ears to prepare for whatever comes next.

BOOM

"Ah. Aha. That. Was not comfortable. You could have toned it down a notch" I manage to eke out, stunned by the sheer ferocity and power of the explosion. Wait, I spoke in Japanese again, didn't I? *Sigh* "Apologies for once more speaking in my primary tongue." I say. I'd better remember next time. It's just so hard speaking in a foreign language for such a long period of time. But why's Louise looking at me strangely?

"...Well, it seems to have worked, as I did understand that. And I can't really control my power. You should thank me, commoner. Because now, we can communicate without any barrier." She says, with that tone of haughtiness and superiority that I just don't appreciate. *Sigh* Oh well. At least I don't have to care about language breaks anymore.

"...I think I'm going for a walk. I'm going to need some time to digest what just happened." I comment, earning a small glare from Louise.

"If you're going out, then don't forget to take these with you! And make sure they're clean." She exclaims as she practically throws me a bag of presumably her clothing, prompting me to narrow my eyes. Seriously? Is this what I'm going to be stuck doing?

"So, I'm supposed to go wash these things?" I ask as I peer inside the bag to find another of the uniform she's currently wearing, as well as some undergarments. Definitely sounds like my kind of job... Sarcasm, if anyone's too dense to tell.

"Aren't you my familiar? It's your duty to wash, clean, and to do other mundane chores. And don't forget, when you return, I expect you to have my clothes prepared for the morning." She says, with a rather sharp tone that kinda cuts my ears. I flinch not only at the tone, but also at the words. Seriously? I was summoned here, saved from death, to be a slave? I'm grateful and all, but a slave?

"...I suppose... that is my duty." I manage to eke out, before I abruptly turn and walk straight out the door.

Surprisingly, despite my lack of experience with manual labor, I managed to get the washing done extremely quickly, if not perfectly clean. However, the next morning, or just this morning, is the hard part. I awoke at the crack of dawn, only to see Louise comfortably situated in the folds of her sheets.

"Wake up."

"..."

"Um... Please wake up?"

"..."

Since this had been going on for almost ten minutes, I hope that it's understandable to see that I was getting a little upset. *Sigh* Time to switch strategies.
I hope this works without getting me killed, though I'm almost positive that it'll get her up in an instant.

"WAKE UP! ZERO LOUISE!" I roared at the top of the lungs, using what is presumably a derogatory nickname that I heard the day of my summoning. Huh. With the sound I made with that yell, I'd be surprised if I didn't wake anyone else up as well. Speaking of which, is she even awa-

"SHADDUP!"

SMACK!

Was the sound made when Louise's fist collided with my forehead to leave a rather sizable bruise. Well... I can definitely say that... that was effective. If not for its... unfortunate repercussions for me. I shake my head softly to try to clear up my vision, which didn't serve much purpose except to make my head hurt even worse. Damn. That girl packs a punch. Back to business though. I can see Louise is once again glaring at me with undisguised hatred.

"What the hell was that for, commoner?" She shouts, emitting an evil aura that makes me flinch even more. Ararara~, maybe that wasn't such a good idea after all.

"I've been trying to get you up for at least ten minutes. So as such, I decided to take a more direct route to wake you up. I am pleased to see that it worked, although it seems that you don't reciprocate those thoughts. And I'd appreciate Keiji or Kei, not commoner or familiar." I say as calmly as possible, trying to defuse the situation as best as possible.

"Damn straight I don't reciprocate those thoughts. Of all the people in Halkegenia, you, my familiar, are supposed to be the one who respects me most! And to think that you would go with those rude others that show no respect to me, that all put me down for HAVING A SUCCESS RATE OF ZERO!" She replies, yelling by the end. I flinched yet again. Defuse the situation, eh? That certainly didn't work. I actually don't know how to respond.

"..."

"..."

"..."

"Well? Don't just stand there, Kei. Help me get dressed!" She says in a slightly softer tone, but one that still drips with her utter contempt for me. Ouch. But wait a minute. What was that?

"H-help you get-" I start, only to be oh so rudely interrupted by Louise.

"Of course! When there's a servant present, nobles will never dress themselves!" She exclaims, as if it's common knowledge. Oh wait, it probably is around here. But that statement, the servant one? I will not tolerate that.

"Wait a minute. You summoned me here, as your oh-so-loyal familiar, only for me to be a servant to act on your every whim? If so, then I will not tolerate this job!" I exclaim. I'll admit it, I might have taken it a bit far, as she hasn't really ordered me on her every whim yet, but still. Better safe then sorry.

"Well isn't that too bad for you? The only way to break the familiar contract is for either one of us to die." She responds, with a smug grin on her face, as if she had just won the argument right there. You know what? That is actually getting me a little bit upset. I'm sorry, but death is kind of a touchy subject for me. Just kind of. But it's getting me upset enough that I blurt out something that I shouldn't ever say without thinking beforehand.

"Well, that can be arranged. Death isn't too bad. True story. Been there, done that. All that jazz. At least I got reincarnated." I mention, with the air of someone commenting on the weather.

"Wait what? You mean you've-" She replies uncertainly, as her death argument is crumbling. Wait a minute.

Shit.

Shit.

Shit. I did not mean to say that. I mean, I don't suppose it's a good idea to let everyone know that I'm- I was dead. I can't imagine how anyone else would react!

"Um... You know what, let's try to pretend that didn't happen, and that I didn't say that. Please, never say what I just said to any person else." I say, clenching my teeth at the end. Stupid, stupid me. Why would I let on that fact? "Now, let's get you dressed, shall we?" I ask, to change the topic away to anything else.

"But-" She starts, but I'm on to her.

"No. Get. Dressed. Now." I say, one word per breath, putting as much pressure and emphasis on my words as possible. And that, surprisingly, seemed to work.

"O-okay." Louise says, much more subdued. Good. Now I hope she won't let the news of my death and reincarnation on anyplace else.

"..."

"..."

And so, in sweet, sweet, silence, I help Louise get dressed for the day.

After a few minutes of me learning just how difficult putting clothes on another person, old-fashioned clothes to boot, is, I finally finish my job with a sigh of relief.

"Well then, to breakfast, I suppose?" I offer, seeing how Louise is still not saying a word.

"..." Damn. This is annoying. I hope I didn't break her.

Well, that's all for now, folks. I hope you enjoyed, but given my history of writing... Probably not. Regardless, if you enjoyed, drop a review, maybe favorite it. Perhaps a follow. All would make me happy. Cause if you read this far, there's no excuse not to, right? Or don't. Either way is fine.

[1] Taken from another series. Not name directly by name. I hope someone figures out who they are.

Well then. I hope you enjoy your day. And another thing, if you're still reading. I appreciate reviews that take more than five seconds to write, so please, don't just give one word or sentence reviews. Thanks in advance. Again, constructive criticism is. Always. The. Best. More will come whenever I feel like writing next~

Regards,

~Bair