Title: Touch screen
Pairing/Characters: Gen. No Pairings. Loki, Tony Stark.
Warnings: None
Summary: A one shot fill for this prompt on Norsekink: "Many touch screens rely on the user's having warm hands. Obviously as a frost giant this is a little difficult for Loki. Dun care how or why, I just want Loki throwing a tantrum because he can't use a phone or a self serve scanner at a supermarket or buy a ticket for a train or something."

~o~ TOUCH SCREEN ~o~

~o~

It wasn't a big battle, but none of Loki's recent attacks had been that impressive really. After his escape from the dungeons of Asgard he had vanished for a while, then reappeared back on earth looking dishevelled and wide eyed as he wandered through the streets of New York.

Thor had been overjoyed at his brother's return, but this soon turned to sadness when he realised Loki had not changed during his absence and was still intent on causing trouble, but things were… different. His attacks were weaker, his plans were half hearted and poorly executed, and eventually they dwindled until Loki was just a minor blip on the Avengers' radar, and new threats stepped forward to take his place.

He occasionally popped up, every few months, caused a few traffic jams, a bit of property damage, and screamed insults at Thor, but it was nothing the Avengers couldn't handle quickly. This battle was no different to the previous ones, with Loki standing in the street as a flock of magazines and newspapers attacked from the sky, swooping like birds, flapping their pages like wings. As Tony managed to fight his way through the swarm he watched as a clunky old cell phone with a tiny screen and huge buttons fell on the floor, and Loki snatched it up, hastily tucking it away under his cape. Tony couldn't help but laugh.

"Where did you get that?" Tony asked. "Travel back in time to 2001?"

"Shut up, Stark!" Loki shouted. "You should be more concerned with your approaching death."

"I'll take my chances," Tony said, as he raised his hands, and prepared to fire his repulsors, but then lowered them slightly, his curiosity getting the better of him. "Why do you need a cell phone anyway?"

"How are my acquaintances going to contact me if I don't have a phone?" Loki asked.

"Acquaintances? Is that what you're calling the voices in your head these days?"

Loki practically growled. "I will end your life for that sleight, Stark."

"Actually come to think of it, why haven't you got a new phone? Why are you, god of failed pranks, not using the latest Stark phone? I could do you a deal, get you one real cheap, provided you don't mind the mini explosive charge I'd probably put in it."

"The devices with screens do not work for me. I understand that they are supposed to activate with touch, but they do not respond when I lay my hand upon them."

"That's odd," Tony said.

~o~

Steve and Clint huddled behind a car further down the street, desperately trying to avoid the onslaught as the tax law section of books from the city library hovered suspiciously over their heads, looking for a target. The books and magazines were all stationary, leaderless and without someone to direct their flight, they simply flapped uselessly in the sky.

"Why aren't they attacking?" Clint asked. "Did someone get to Loki?

Steve poked his head up, and peered down the street. "Something's not right… He's talking to Tony."

Clint turned and raised himself up. "Are they... looking at Tony's phone?"

"I think so."

"What's he doing?" Clint asked. "Showing him his Facebook photos?"

They watched as Loki repeatedly ran his finger over the screen of Tony's phone, then shrieked in anger, grabbed it and threw it on the floor. Loki vanished in a ball of green light, and the books fell from the sky.

~o~

Tony was in his lab, muttering angrily under his breath as he pieced his phone back together, and replaced the cracked screen. He pressed the button on the top, and smiled as the screen lit up, then jumped as he heard a voice behind him, and dropped his phone on the floor.

"Why don't they work for me?" Loki asked.

"How the hell did you get in here?" Tony shouted as he spun round. "Jarvis, sound the alarm."

"Your drone will not reply to you. I have deactivated him."

"Oh, look at that," Tony said, as he retrieved his phone from the floor. "The screen is cracked AGAIN."

"A simple matter," Loki said, waving his hand, and Tony watched as the glass on the screen knitted together slowly. "Why don't the screens respond to me?"

"I don't know," Tony replied. "They work for Thor, so obviously they work for gods and Asgardians."

"I am no Asgardian."

"Oh yeah, frost giant, right?"

Loki grimaced slightly. "You are correct."

Tony tilted his head upwards and said, "Jarvis, can you run a physiological scan on Loki and tell me any unusual readings?" There was silence for a moment. "Can you turn him back on?"

"That would allow you to inform others of my presence."

"I can't do this without him, and as long as you don't pull anything, I won't raise the alarm."

"I have your word that you will not inform Thor?"

"Yes, providing you don't attack or turn me into a woman or some stupid shit like that."

"You have my word that I will not 'pull any stupid shit'," Loki said. "Your device has been reactivated."

"Jarvis?"

"Yes, sir?"

"Missed you, buddy. Can you run a physiological scan on Loki and let me know if there are any unusual readings?"

"Of course, sir," Jarvis replied. "Although there are few marked differences in body structure, it does appear that your guest has a body temperature approximately 5.6 degrees lower than average human body temperature."

"Give me your hand," Tony said, as he reached out to Loki.

Loki eyed him suspiciously, and then placed his hand in Tony's.

"You're freezing, and your skin seems really dry," Tony said, as he turned Loki's hand over. "I feel sorry for anyone who has to share a bed with you."

Loki narrowed his eyes, and gritted his teeth.

"I didn't mean that as an insult," Tony quickly added when he saw the glowering look on Loki's face. "I just meant you'd probably be one of those people who insists on putting their cold feet on you."

"Just tell me what this has to do with the screens," Loki snapped, as he ripped his hand away, "before you force me to break my word."

"Because capacitive touch screens operate on electrical charge, and you have cold, dry skin, so simply put, your skin is less conductive than human skin."

"It is hampering my work. I wish you to find a solution to my problem."

"Sorry, but since your work is being a not-so-super-super-villain, I think I'll pass."

"That is not my work," Loki said, looking down. "Not any more."

"Sure looked like it was your work yesterday."

"Yes, well appearances must be maintained, and how else would I see Thor, if not in battle."

"Wait, so if that's not your work… You got a job?" Tony asked incredulously. "Like a real live job?"

"Villainy is a tiring business. No man, or god, can fight forever. I required a break, as you would call it," Loki said. "How would I support myself or pay for my lodgings if I didn't have a job?"

"I get it, you're lying, it's what you do, because let's face it, who the hell would employ you?"

"I heal the sick."

"You're a doctor?"

"Yes… Well, a doctor of animals."

"Which, of course, isn't at all sexually dubious given your history of getting it on with horses."

Loki smirked. "I can assure you my interest in my patients is purely professional."

"So you're really telling me, in all honesty, that you are a veterinarian?"

"That is what the profession is referred to here on Midgard, yes."

"See that's strange," Tony said, "Because last I heard you need years of training, certificates, experience…"

"Believe me, Stark, the duplication of your Midgardian certificates was so simple I could have achieved it as a babe in arms."

"And how exactly do you cure these pets that people love, and adore and basically treat as family members, when you have no training?"

"I place a time delayed spell on each creature to heal it of its illness," Loki said. "I've never lost one yet."

"So you're not up to anything nefarious, you aren't stealing the souls of all the dogs in the city to turn them into your personal army of hell hounds?"

"You can sleep soundly in your bed tonight, Stark, knowing that I have no current desire to conquer your realm. I would, however, rather like to be able to purchase and operate an iPad."

Tony stopped for a moment, his mouth opening and closing, and then he said, "Come back tomorrow. I'll make something that will let you use a touch screen. Hell, I'll even set you up with a brand new Stark Phone, with all the latest modifications."

"That is very kind of you," Loki replied. "Until tomorrow, I bid you farewell."

Loki vanished in a huge flash, which caught Tony by surprise.

"Oh, not again!" Tony moaned, as he picked his phone up from where he had dropped it on the floor, and noticed that its screen was cracked.

~o~

Tony was up bright and early the next day, some time just after lunch, and with only a slight hangover he set about creating something that would allow Loki to use a touch screen phone.

An hour later there was flash of light, and Loki appeared in the room.

"Have you completed your task?" Loki demanded.

"Actually, I have, and a bit of politeness wouldn't go amiss."

"I apologise for my abruptness," Loki replied. "I am quite eager to play this Angry Birds game that everyone keeps talking about."

Tony rolled his eyes, and said, "Put your hands on the table."

Loki hesitantly placed his hands on the surface, and watched as Tony took out a small bottle, and painted each of his fingertips with a clear fluid. "What is this?"

"Don't move until it dries," Tony said. "It's actually just a simple latex glue, but it's laced with conductive threads. You'll need to paint it on every day, but it should make your skin more conductive too." Tony touched the ends of each finger. "All done. Give it a try."

Loki took the phone that Tony held out to him, and swiped his finger across the lock screen, then smiled widely as the phone sprang into life. "It works!"

As Loki went to hand back the phone, Tony held his hand up and said, "Keep it, it's yours."

"A gift?" Loki asked, raising an eyebrow. "Why would you give me such a thing? I am your enemy."

"Why?" Tony asked. "Because my conscience won't allow me to sit and do nothing when someone can't use technology that I invented."

"Thank you, Stark," Loki said, as he grabbed the bottle of fluid that Tony had painted onto his fingers. "Before I leave I should inform you that I have deactivated the tracking device you placed inside it."

"Damn," Tony said, as Loki vanished in a flash of green light.

~o~

The first time Loki sent a picture of himself, holding a tiny kitten that he had brought back from the brink of death, Tony thought it was sweet.

By the evening, 76 photos, and 42 random text messages later, Tony regretted giving Loki the phone.

By midnight Tony had seen every single patient Loki had treated that day, every room in his apartment, and a rather blurry view of his tonsils with the text 'Does my throat look sore to you?'

A week later and Loki had started sending pictures of everything he ate, random screen captures of Angry Birds, and text messages at 4am whenever he couldn't sleep.

For a while Tony considered blocking his number, but realised the pictures would probably come in handy later on, when Loki inevitably became bored with his new life and moved back into his old career of villainy.

Then one day Tony's phone began to ring, and a photo of Loki hugging a miniature pony popped up on the screen. Tony sighed, and decided to answer it.

"I need assistance!" Loki shouted angrily.

"What's up?" Tony asked wearily.

"The fluid you gave me to operate touch screens has failed."

"Then how did you make this call, if it's not working?"

There was silence for a moment. "That is an excellent point."

"Where are you, and what are you trying to do?"

"I am at central park and wished to take a carriage ride, but I didn't have enough money and this infernal machine at the bank will not give me any! I am using the fluid you gave me, and it STILL! WILL! NOT! WORK!"

"It's an ATM, Loki," Tony said wearily. "It's not touch screen. You press the buttons."

"Buttons?"

Beep

Beep

Beep

Beep

Beep

"You got it?" Tony asked.

"My apologies for shouting, Stark. Your technology can be frustrating at times."

"No problem, just stay out of trouble, OK?"

"I will."

The call ended abruptly, and Tony went back to sipping his coffee, when his phone rang again.

"What is it now?"

"If you tell Thor about this I will kill you. I will take my time. I will torture you slowl-"

"Yeah, whatever, frosty. Talk soon!" Tony said, as he touched the screen, and ended the call.

A minute later Tony got a text message.

I mean it. I will torture you slowly. I will destroy everything you love, I shall slay your friends before your very dyes, and you will watc

Then another.

h, screaming for mercy until your throat is raw and bleeding.

And another.

Sorry, it appears that message ran a little long.

And another.

Oh, and dyes was supposed to be eyes.

And another.

How do I turn off predictive text?