Voldemort Meets J.K. Rowling

Jo frowned and closed her eyes in frustration. She crumbled yet another sheet of paper and tossed it carelessly into the near trash basket. "How am I going to do this?" she asked herself quietly, pulling out another clean paper. Across the top of the paper, she neatly wrote, 'Chapter 36, The Flaw in the Plan.' This was the sixth time she had re-written this part, and now it was nearly midnight. She just couldn't get it right.

Suddenly, there was a loud bang. Jo jumped in her seat and immediately stood up. The sound came from the hallway. "Hello?" she called out, slowly heading to the door.

She cautiously opened the door, inch by inch, until there stood before her a tall figure in a dark cloak. He had a chalk-white face that resembled a skull, snake-like slits for nostrils, and long, thin hands with unnaturally long fingers like spider's legs. "Hello, J.K. Rowling," said the figure.

"W-who are you?" asked Jo in a curious, rather than scared, voice.

The figure almost grinned. "You don't know? You created me, J.K. Rowling, with your own mind and fingers. You gave me life and power and greatness, and so I thank you for that. But now I must discuss something very important with you."

"V-Voldemort? But how did you—"

"That matter is irrelevant right now, my dear J.K. Rowling," interrupted Voldemort, waving his thin hand. "I'm here to talk about the death of myself and Harry Potter."

Jo raised her eyebrows and blinked. "Excuse me?"

"Come, let's talk about this inside, shall we?" said Voldemort as he walked into Jo's room and seated himself.

For a moment, Jo just stood there, eyes widened and breath held. Was this real? Is Lord Voldemort inside her own room at this very moment? But how? Not knowing what else to do, Jo followed Voldemort into her room and closed the door.

"You can call me Jo," said Jo awkwardly.

"But on the books it says your name is J.K. Rowling," Voldemort pointed out.

"Yes, but that's—it's only because—oh fine, just call me whatever you want to call me."

Voldemort arched an eyebrow. "Right, well, let's talk about Harry's death first."

"Umm okay, but I've already finished that chapter, and he comes back to life so he can finally defeat you—"

"No, no, no! That's not fair!" said Voldemort, almost shouting. "He should just stay dead! Do you know how long it took me to finally kill him? And you're telling me, he just comes back to life?"

"Well…" Jo's eyes fell upon her piece of paper with the words 'Chapter 36, The Flaw in the Plan' written across the top. "See, I was thinking that when he comes back to life, he could just play dead, and you would ask Narcissa to really check if he was dead, and since she really wants to see if Draco's okay, she lies to you and basically saves Harry's life, just like Lily did. So you see, it's like a full circle for Harry to be saved by a mother. And then, I was planning on Hagrid—"

"Are you kidding me?" Voldemort shouted, standing up. "I thought we agreed on Harry staying dead?"

"Er, no, we never—"

"Look, J.K. Rowling, it's taken me years to kill the boy," said Voldemort in a very persuasive voice. "If you let him come back to life, you're going to teach kids all over the world that no matter how many times you try to accomplish something, you-you just-I mean, you end up dead! Kids are going to learn that after years and years of trying to achieve your…goal, and after finally being successful after all that time, it somehow backfires and bites back at you and destroys all your Horcruxes and kills you!"

There was a long, silent moment after he said that. Jo looked as if she was deeply considering Voldemort's point. Would kids really think that? she thought. Voldemort analyzed Jo's motions of feelings, trying to figure out if she was going to go through with Harry's survival, or actually listen to him. Finally, Jo said, "Okay, what else do you have in mind?"

Voldemort smiled his creepy and unattractive smile. "Okay, so after Harry's death, the Death Eaters and I storm the castle and murder all the half-bloods and bloodtraitors."

"What about the Muggle-borns?" asked Jo, who had taken out a notepad and a pen.

"Oh, Bellatrix can have them, I suppose," said Voldemort. "She has a fondness for torturing Mudbloods."

"Oh, speaking of Bellatrix, I was planning on killing her off."

"You—what?" said Voldemort, a slight panic creeping up his voice.

"Yeah, but I'm still not sure if I want to have Neville kill her or Molly," Jo speculated.

"But you can't do that!" Voldemort said. "She's the only skilled Death Eater I have left! If you kill her, I'll be left defenseless and I won't have anyone else to—"

"You know you can't love, Voldemort," said Jo with a sigh. "Even though Bellatrix is obsessed with you, I can't have you show any—"

"You don't understand!" shouted Voldemort. "I don't love her in the gushy-mushy, disgusting sort of love. She's my last, best lieutenant I have! What would you do if your best warrior was murdered before you?"

"Last, best lieutenant…" repeated Jo in a quiet voice. She quickly scribbled something down on her notepad, completely ignoring Voldemort.

"J.K. Rowling, I demand you put that pen down and listen to me!" roared Voldemort, fighting to be heard. "Bellatrix will not die. She will not be harmed or hurt in any way possible. She will be free to torture as many innocent Mudbloods as she desires. Have I made myself clear?"

Jo only looked at Voldemort, weighing out her options on the outcome of Bellatrix's death. "But Bellatrix…I just think it's only right if she's killed off, and I'm kind of leaning towards Molly being her murderer."

"Oh, come on! You've got to be kidding me!" cried Voldemort. "At least give her a worthy opponent! Molly would never stand a chance against my Bellatrix, to be honest. If Molly battled Bellatrix, it just wouldn't make sense! And furthermore, Molly is known as very motherly to the Muggles, and you know Bellatrix can't even become a mother! That's just not fair!"

"Okay, okay, calm down, Voldy," Jo said with a slight tease in her voice. "How about this, Molly kills her off, and I'll have you show some emotional reaction to her death. Seem fair?"

Voldemort stiffened, not anticipating her offer. "What kind of emotional reaction?"

Jo shrugged. "I don't know, you could gasp? Your eyes widen and you 'look to the fall of your last, best lieutenant'."

"That's it? I just gasp?" said Voldemort flatly. "What kind of emotional reaction is that? I should scream! I should blast everyone else in the castle! I should murder Molly myself!"

After a short pause, Jo got an idea. "Oh, I know! Bellatrix dies, you scream and try to get Molly back, then Harry takes that moment to reveal that he's not really dead and fires back at you! It's perfect!"

"Erm, what part of having my best warrior die in front of my own eyes seems perfect?"

"No, no, no, this is exactly what I need!" said Jo, who started scribbling away furiously on the paper labeled, 'Chapter 36, The Flaw in the Plan'. "Okay, so Molly kills Bellatrix, right? You watch her fall, you scream, and you try to fight back by blasting some teachers backwards. Then you turn to Molly, and Harry could cast a Shield Charm or something and then he takes off his Invisibility Cloak and shows himself to everyone! Thank you so much for your help!"

Voldemort was stunned. "Help? I came here to make sure Harry stays dead and the Wizarding World is ruled by Death Eaters, not have my most devoted follower be murdered just so Harry can reveal to everyone he's alive!"

He waited for an answer, but Jo never looked up from her paper.

"Jo?" he asked, trying to get her attention. "You're not going to listen to me at all, are you? Hello?" Knowing he had just made things worse, Voldemort walked out the door. "Oh, boy, we're in for some trouble." And he Disapparated.