Lifeline

Tony admitted defeat and sank down into the hard straight backed chair with resignation. "All right, what do you want from me?"

"We have covered that, and I have addressed that. I want to know about your afternoon and evening- this afternoon and evening. Tell me."

"No, Boss, no- you want to know about my meeting with Wendy," Tony contradicted confidently. Despite the fact that Jethro Gibbs had earned the reputation (and rightly so) of possessing little emotional attachment to his coworkers, when it came to Tony, Abby, or Ducky, his actions contradicted those rumoured beliefs.

Gibbs nodded, and his expression softened. He regarded the man before him with compassion. "What happened, Tony?" he prompted.

Tony shook his head slightly, then smiled ruefully. "Okay, Boss, well, what happened is that she opened that door again. I met her at the shop and Wonderful Wendy pretty much told me that she had called our wedding off out of fear all those years ago. Now, though, she claims to have deliberately finangled it so that the two of us not only met again, but had to spend some alone time together. She set me up, stalked me like Glenn Close did Michael Douglas in Fatal Attraction. Now that was a movie you don't walk away from…."

Slamming his hand down on the table, Gibbs interrupted the segue.

Tony grinned self consciously, "Sorry, Boss."

Jethro studied him as he swallowed a sip of coffee. "Who called off your wedding?"

Looking puzzled, Tony replied, "She did, Boss. You already know that."

"Who?" Gibbs repeated.

"Wendy called it off. She told me that she had some concerns, some doubts about the whole partnership." Tony met Jethro's gaze and shrugged his shoulders. In a tone which would convince his boss that what he said was correct, he added, "Really, she did because I had just told her that I honestly thought maybe I was a shaky candidate for a marital commitment, and…."

His voice abruptly trailed to silence and he glanced down at the table to avoid eye contact with his boss. He rubbed his chin, trying to process what he had just shared.

Gibbs took another sip of his coffee and spoke softly. "That is how I remember it, too. You put the nuptials on hold, but gave her credit for doing so, for calling it quits. You told everyone she made the decision to end it."

Instead of answering verbally, the younger man nodded.

"You- Tony, you backed out of your wedding," Gibbs reiterated.

Tony rubbed his temples, then grinned self consciously. "The females of the girl persuasion want to be the ones who give the green lights or red lights where relationships are involved. You should know that by now, Boss."

Quickly realizing his last words might annoy Jethro, he attempted to soften the observation. "I mean that you know that ladies like to have the upper hand in that department."

"True," murmured his boss. "So what was this evening for you?"

Grinning, Tony responded, "I honestly don't know. Auld Lang Syne? Déjà vu? I suppose I wanted to see what I gave up and said good bye to all those years ago, or whom, I mean."

Jethro nodded, his expression softening as he regarded Tony. He waited a few seconds before replying. "How about now? Do you regret it now?"

The vehement response was swift, "No, no not with Wendy- I don't think, I mean I know it would have been a bust. It was good that it finished when it did. I thought I loved her, but now I am pretty sure that I just loved that whole idea of loving someone."

Softening his expression, Gibbs studied him several moments. "You did fall in love though."

Tony's head snapped up and he regarded his boss with a hurt expression.

"I am correct. You sent Wendy away all those years ago, but then you just let Jeanne go. Why was that? Anyone who knew you could see that Jeanne Benoit was that special girl, the one."

"Leave her out of this, please, Boss," Tony scowled.

"I will in just a minute. I have a point to make, though. You made the choice with Jeanne to sever that relationship and you did."

"So what?" Tony pushed his chair back from the table and rose. "It was a covert op and she fell in love with a mythical man."

"I did not dismiss you," Jethro pointed out calmly.

The senior field agent stood with his hand on the back of the chair, torn between staying or leaving. "Ok, what now?"

"She fell in love with you, and in all honesty, you could have at any time blown your own cover with her and salvaged that relationship. You did not have to obey the Director. You did, though, Son. Afterwards, too, you had the opportunity for another chance and you sent Jeanne away then."

"Why are you telling me this?" Tony demanded, biting the side of his lip.

"Quicksand-"

"Quicksand? What does quicksand have to do with me?" Tony shrugged his shoulders in bewilderment, and looked expectantly at his boss.

"You immerse yourself in it. Just when you have a shot at peace you handicap yourself by plunging into self doubt and denial, like someone jumping into a pool of quicksand. Then you flounder there so long that there is no way to completely recover, to make you way out unscathed."

Unable to come up with a response to the observation, Tony muttered in annoyance, "That's the most I've heard you talk since you hired me."

Gibbs stood slowly and then pinched the bridge of his nose. "Tony, I want to make you see yourself the way the rest of us see you, as a competent, loving, ethical man whose one flaw of character is his inability to believe in himself."

With that speech Jethro placed a hand on Tony's shoulder and squeezed. "I am proud of you, Anthony, every single day."

Caught emotionally, Tony looked away, but Gibbs placed a hand behind his head to force him to make eye contact.

"Son, I do not want you to continue to convince yourself that you are somehow unworthy of love or happiness. I want you to have your own family, to have a woman you love and who loves you in return."

With that, Gibbs picked up his coffee cup and headed into the kitchen, calling over his shoulder, "Get to bed now. It's late."

Tony stared at Jethro as he left, marveling at how the older man always seemed to know the crux of any problem or situation.

Smiling softly, he made his way upstairs.