Disclaimer: I do not now, nor have I ever claimed any ownership of Glee, its characters, or the way those characters are mistreated on television. I wouldn't claim the hot mess this show has become for anything in the world.

Mercedes POV

I'm so happy Tina's a nosy bitch. I mean, really REALLY happy.

About two months ago, I was helping her decide what to pack to take to Asian Camp, and she had just got finished packing all of her shorts, tees, tanks, and sneakers into a couple of big suitcases. I started painting my nails while Tina opened up a smaller case to put her underwear in. I noticed her grumbling, so I looked up and saw her stuffing a box of condoms into the zip-pocket of her suitcase. I knew she and Mike weren't fucking, so I kind of raised my eyebrows to ask "what's-the-what?"

She closed her door and asked me "Can girls get blue balls?"

Oh hell, not this topic again.

"Mike's been clink-clinking me for a year now, I'm so ready to see what's in those T-Rex boxers I'm climbing the walls." Then she went to her underwear drawer and pulled out what looked like eight or nine thongs. "I'm gonna get me some Chang dick this summer, even if I have to tie his ass down."

After she stuffed them into her smaller suitcase, she looked at me with this really determined look on her face. I was curious, so I asked "How you gonna do that?"

There wasn't any point in asking her if she was ready, I could already tell she was pretty antsy… Plus, I knew the feeling pretty well, myself.

"I'm gonna go to him and tell him I want more out of our sex life. That ought to scare him so bad he'll ask Puckerman for advice. Puck's been getting us Glee girls laid since New Directions started."

What the hell?

"Like who?"

"Satan told me he had to have been the one to show Finn how to fuck her silly that one time they did it…"

I thought he was lame in bed.

"…I overheard her tell Brittany she was gonna tell everybody he sucked in the sack, so no one would want him and she could get him to be her boyfriend."

Damn.

"She said the only other boy to ever please her like Finn did was Puck."

"You never told me that."

"Sorry, must have slipped my mind…" Then she showed me all these pairs of underwear with no crotch. This girl means business, for real.

"…And Brittany told me when she and Artie got back together after the duets debacle he totally made her babble and scream…"

Artie?

I raised my eyebrow, and she started nodding.

"…I shit you not, just ask her. Britt thinks he's a sex robot now." She went into her bathroom and I heard her say, "Artie and Puck were super close back when he first got out of Juvie, remember?"

"Yeah, I remember" I told her when she came in with an armful of what appeared to be flavored lube and massage oil.

"He must have graduated from Puck's 'Zilla course, too. Artie never even tried to get me past second base…"

Tina seems pretty sure she's gonna get her way, if what she's packing is any indication.

"…Mike won't try to get in my pants; he doesn't have the confidence yet. Pussy 101 class with Puck will give him the boost he needs."

"You need my help?"

"You already helped me, remember in Glee when I told you I couldn't wait to get under Mike's clothes? Artie was listening, you know how nosy he is…"

She ain't lying.

"…I'm pretty sure he already spilled the beans to Mike about asking Puck for tips."

"Damn, girl…Asian intelligence ain't no joke."

It's a damn good plan, though.

"Mercy, girl, I'm climbing the walls here…it's time to get creative."

She started laughing and went under her bed to get out some lingerie she had stashed there. When she came out she told me "You may need him yourself, one day…"

Does she suspect anything about me and…

"…so keep Puckasarus in mind just in case you get close to a nervous Glee boy and need a little help."

…she is Asian, after all.

So eventually, me and Sam started fooling around, and it pretty much looked like he was taking foreplay lessons from Ron Jeremy. First of all, he had trouble with my bra clasp, so that I had to help him get it open. Under normal circumstances, that wouldn't have been a problem. But I was wearing a bra with this front-clasp-closey thing that pretty much unsnapped itself if you flicked it at all. I guess nerves made Sam's hands clumsy. Then, when he actually met Helga and Olga, he spent at least 20 minutes kissing my lips and neck instead of them. I love Sam, and I love his big ass hands, but DAMN! Dude, can I get a little suction, a nibble, something wet at all? When I tried to go under his shirt, he got scared and pumped the brakes.

I knew I was gonna need back-up, so I called Tin-Tin up and asked her for some help. By that time Mike was fucking her so silly she couldn't even be bothered to run off at the mouth. Who knew all her gossiping was a by-product of sexual frustration? She just promised to keep my secret and make sure Puck's name came up the next time Sam called Mike.

Then I invited Sam over so I could do my version of Tina's 'scare tactic' conversation (except I used porn). He must have fallen for the bait, because the next time I saw Sam, he was completely over the whole "grope and grab Mercy's tits as hard as I can while murmuring 'you like that don't you?' in her ear" thing. Instead, he showed a lot of promise in the "please over-stimulate 'Cedes and make her crazy in a good way" department. It looked like I had a great summer to look forward to. I spent as much time as I could letting Sam practice everything Puck taught him.

I don't know what the hell Puck's Freakum Class entails, but I swear I been calling on Jesus regularly all summer. My boo is a bona-fide freak (must come from all those years of boarding school) and a damn good learner. Innocent, shy, sweet, cute-pie Sam left the building back in June. These days, that boy ain't nothing but a super-freak who will put his hands, lips, tongue, and dick anywhere on my body as long as I give him permission first. Like, he has absolutely no boundaries…I'm loving every second of it too.

Plus, it was also about damn time. I've been horny pretty much since high school started, but I couldn't get a boy to try me for shit! I hung out with Matt Rutherford all through sophomore year, flirting outrageously and tripping off all the white folks in Glee (we don't consider Asians to be white so Tina and Mike were exempt). We finally get to where he asked me out on an actual date, and the motherfucker moved to Texas before we could go out!

Then I started a PR relationship with Puck; he got to date a Cheerio, and I finally had a boyfriend…match made in heaven, right? I figured for my trouble, I could at least get some heavy petting in. Plus, Puck's a man-whore who can't decide if he's a tit-man or an ass-man. Give him half a chance to fondle a set of authentic Double-D's or grind against some serious booty-meat, and he should have been all over it right? Wrong! Puck and I got real cool while we dated, and I'm the kind of dumb-ass who likes to fix broken people. So instead of letting him work my sexual frustration away, I ended up being his damn social conscience!

Earlier this year I went out with Anthony, the Titan's resident man-whore, thinking he would be scheming on my panties from the get-go. Wouldn't you know, that bitch-ass decided Barbie dolls would be a lot less work, so he climbed on a few Cheery-Hos and rode his way to graduation!

All I wanted out of life was a nice guy to show me a little attention and give me a little friction, cause the hand-held shower sprayers and vibrating panties were getting seriously old. I really didn't think it was a lot to ask! And don't even get me started on how short my fingers are… good thing Sam's are way bigger. Now that I think about it, he was totally worth the wait.

So now, it's the middle of July, and I'm lying on my bed with Sam. He and I just did the nasty for the first time, and I think my ass is glowing. The things that boy can do… And the things that come out of his dirty ass mouth? I'm sprung...not even gonna front about that shit. He's snoring his butt off and my parents are gone for the weekend so I guess he's spending the night. Hopefully, he's not done with me yet.

I'm feeling a little energetic so I decide to go surf the web until Sam's batteries recharge. I get up, naked, and walk to my desktop. After updating my Facebook relationship status, I accidentally click on a link for the Edible Arrangements website. Instead of going back to Facebook, I browse a little. After a while I wonder if Puck likes white chocolate covered strawberries…

A/N: I would love it if you wonderful readers would leave comments for my story in the review section. Part of the reason I posted the whole thing at the same time is because I have hit something of a wall in writing my main fic. If any of you are reading Spring and Summer Only, you'd know how innocent the interactions have been up until this point.

The next few chapters of SaSO seem to be leaning toward the smutty, but I'm not entirely sure I am a good smut writer. I thought I'd try my hand at humorous raunchy talk here, and act accordingly with regards to my other story. If this one is well recieved, I'll run with the nasty parts. If my words aren't engaging here, I'll abort Operation:Samcex in SaSO.

Your feedback is so very important to me, I really want to publish stories that are well planned and executed. I also want my fellow Samcedians to have something to wake up in the morning for lol. Thank you to all the previous reviewers, and thanks in advance to those who will after this.