AN: This is my response to the poll that I had up, and thanks to everyone who left their answer (there's also a Firefly quote here, somewhere).

All ships are canon, and gender switched names are similar. ie Harry is Halley, Ron is Rory, Ginny is Gabriel, etc... I've also written some other gender swapped fics with canon ships, and I would love some requests.

Please leave a review if added to favs.

Disclaimer: Last time I checked, I am an American brunette. Nice try, but I know that I'm not JK Rowling.

Title: Interrogations from a Madman

Word Count: 1K

Summary: Sirius was only looking out for his goddaughter's best interests. Gender swapped. Canon ships.

"Stop calling me that," Mr Black snapped. The mad, ex-convict's eyes narrowed at the young boy. "Do I look that old to you?"

Gabriel Weasley had an urge to run into the next room. His plan for survival at Grimmauld's Place wasn't going smoothly at all. First was the problem that he was stuck under the same roof with most of his sisters, second was that the house seemed out to get him, and third was that he never intended on making the man that was framed for murder angry.

"No, Mr Bla—Sirius," Gabriel quickly corrected himself.

Sirius Black huffed. "Typical. Did your mother told you to call me that?"

Gabriel chose not to answer.

They were sitting at the table in the kitchen, and compared to anywhere else in the house, it was the quietest place to be in. Rory, Halley, and Hector were speaking in loud voices upstairs, various Order members were busy, and the twins were up to something again that caused Professor Lupin to swear creatively in the next room.

Sirius looked intently into the contents of his coffee and turned to look at the fidgeting redhead "How old are you?"

"Fourteen in less than a month," Gabriel croaked. He wasn't used to having any forms of conversations with the wizard. Even though Sirius Black never committed the murder nor the betrayal, and he still looked mad enough to rob Gringotts. Or maybe even escape Azkaban again just to piss off the ministry.

"Any girlfriends?"

"Um," Gabriel looked at the platter of biscuits that his mum made. He wasn't sure if he and Michelle Corner were even dating. The sparse communication during the summer would definitely lead to awkward conversations once school started. They had only hanged out at Hogsmeade a few times, and it was mostly platonic. There was one girl that he wanted to dance with at the Yule Ball instead…and she spent most of the time making ga-ga eyes at Chang.

Sirius studied him, waiting for a specific reaction. "What do you think of my goddaughter?"

Gabriel choked on the biscuit that he ate. How does he know? It was all the twins' fault, they were the ones who wanted someone to test out their daydream product. Bloody hell, now he was going to die because of a crush that he still had. "She's…" he started to say, but then became wary of any word that he would use.

"Is like a daughter to me," Sirius supplied. He took a sip of coffee before continuing, his voice becoming darker and more edged with malice. "And I promised James that as her godfather, I will scare off any boy who dares to hurt her." The man's mood spiralled down even further. "And he will be going to a very special hell. The same place where people who talk in the theatre go to."

Gabriel waited silently for his death sentence. The biscuit crumbs in his mouth felt dry and tasteless as the time ticked by. Much to his surprise, Sirius started to laugh. The ex-convict roared with it, and the spasms rocked his skinny frame.

"Oh, that was great," Sirius wiped a tear or two from his eyes. "I've always wanted to do that!"

"So you're not going to put me through unspeakable torture in a special hell?" Gabriel was starting to get confused with where this was going. He was either going to be put through torture, or even die because a deranged non-murderer wanted to protect his goddaughter's honour.

Sirius thumped his back painfully. "Merlin, not yet. I'm only going to give you some advice!"

"But I thought you would—"

Sirius rolled his eyes. "I need to make sure that the little bugger is trustworthy first. And I need it to be you. Any other bloke is someone that I don't know, or is fascinated with your older sister. Speaking of which, do they always argue like that?"

Gabriel wordlessly nodded. He was still trying to comprehend the information that he was given. So far it seemed like Sirius Black wanted him and Halley to get together, and that he would survive. There was also a question about Rory and Hector, but he wasn't paying much attention to that.

But the thought of actually being with Halley sounded nice, to be acknowledged as something other than a best mate's little brother. Gabriel started to daydream about the two of them going on a date. He would great her with a kiss on the cheek, her green eyes sparkling at a comment that he made. She would actually be happy instead of moody…

"Oi, kid." Sirius snapped impatiently. His lips twitched in bemusement. "Pay attention so that I can give you some advice."

Gabriel felt his cheeks heat up, he twiddled with his thumbs and moved anxiously in his seat. "What do I need to do?"

Sirius opened his mouth to give the advice, but Professor Lupin's smooth voice interrupted him.

The werewolf strolled in the room, and one side of his face was covered with ash and soot. He smelled distinctively of burnt hair. "Gabriel Weasley. Don't you dare listen to a word of what that man says."

"Why?"

"Because there's a reason why a majority of the girls at Hogwarts refused to go out with him." Professor Lupin pulled himself up a chair and scowled at his friend. "Do you want the poor boy to be slapped by half the witches there?"

"I wasn't slapped by half," and Sirius pondered on that. "Maybe only a third…"

Professor Lupin covered his face with a hand, sighing deeply. "What Halley needs is a stable, happy relationship. Not a chauvinistic wizard who's only interested in one thing."

"But I taught her how to defend herself for a reason. She's very capable of socking someone in the face. Kid, help me out here."

Gabriel jumped, he was hoping that the two men had forgotten about him.

"Um," he said. "Eh…Halley is a very scary and good dueller."

The werewolf seemed pleased by this. "She takes after her father that way."

"And she'll prove so if she'll ever find out about this conversation," Sirius added thoughtfully. "I've taught her well."

Processor Lupin coughed.

"Sorry, we taught her well." Gabriel slowly got out of his seat, but immediately sat back down when Sirius caught him trying to escape. "So you don't want to know how to woo a girl?"

"I'm pretty sure that wooing Halley would be very different," Gabriel gulped as the two wizards lowered their eyes at him. "Normal witches don't go saving the world on a yearly basis, but she does. She's moody at best, and temperamental, too. She's a bloody good duellist and flyer. Halley is incredible, and strong, and she could curse me into an oblivion."

He lowered his head into his lap, muttering the last part: "And she's never going to notice that I exist."

"I trust him," Sirius said after some time of an awkward silence. "See, Remus? This kid has a healthy amount of fear when liking someone."

"Sirius, we shouldn't—"

The other man scoffed. "What's the worst that can happen?"

"Well, then," Gabriel said dryly. "What's the part of her cursing me into an oblivion that you don't get?"

"She'll eventually like you too much to even do that."

"No," Professor Lupin turned a sharp eye at him and then looked to Gabriel. "You need to be yourself, be honest, and trust each other. That's how a happy, healthy romance should go."

"That's how what would go?" a voice asked behind them. Halley was standing by the door, and obviously had just walked on the conversation. She looked at them all oddly. They three of them must have made quite the sight: A former professor covered in soot, an ex-convict looking like a little boy whose hand was caught in the biscuit jar, and an innocent schoolboy.

"Good luck," Professor Lupin said as he quickly walked out of the room.

"I'm innocent," Gabriel claimed, and raised his hands up in defence. "Your godfather is mad, Halley!"

Halley crossed her arms over her chest, and smiled for the first time in a while.

"I know." She stared at her godfather who was grinning sheepishly. "Care to tell me anything?"

"Why, yes," the grin on his face grew more obnoxious. "Would you care to tell me what you look for in a dashing wizard?"