When a carload of Hogan's Heroes fans go on a long (rather boring) trip, the conversation inevitably turns to a final episode. Everyone has a different answer to the questions "If the producers of the show had made a finale to end the series, what would have happened? How would the war end for the men of Stalag 13?" Here's my answer to those questions.

Germany, early 1945

The sounds of battle were growing closer every day. As the air of excitement among the Stalag 13 prisoners grew at the prospect of liberation, the guards became more apprehensive about their possible fate.

Roll calls were a mere formality, and the words "all present and accounted for" were given no matter whether three extra men were present or two men missing. Discipline was erratic, depending entirely on the moods of the kommandant and his underlings.

Among the atmosphere of suppressed anticipation, Colonel Hogan found that his most difficult task was not to sabotage the enemy, nor to keep his own men calm, but to keep Colonel Wilhelm Klink from panicking completely.

Through the intermittent radio broadcasts from London, the men of Stalag 13 had been informed of a forced march of prisoners from another prison camp into the north of Germany. Hogan had no doubt that a similar fate would be theirs if Klink's superiors in Berlin were reminded of the existence of Stalag 13, and it took all his ingenuity to keep Klink restrained.

"Hogan, I have heard rumors," Klink began one morning, his face twisted into the grimace that passed for a pleading smile.

Hogan sat down in the chair opposite Klink's desk and adjusted his cap. "So have I. You know, Cpl. Nelson told Sgt. Carter that Cpl. Andrews said that Rita Hayworth had been in a film about a soldier—"

"I'm not interested in that rumor!" Klink snapped.

Hogan shrugged. "That's probably because you've never seen Rita Hayworth. Now, Cpl. Nelson has, and he thinks—"

"Never mind about Rita Hayworth! The rumor I am referring to is about Sergeant Schultz." Klink leaned back in his chair and tried to look casual.

Hogan wagged his head knowingly. "Oh, you heard about that? As a matter of fact, Kommandant, I think it's pretty dreadful myself."

"Dreadful? It was you who gave it to him!"

"I wouldn't dream of having German measles! I'm an American, and I get American diseases!" Hogan declared with a sniff. "German measles indeed!"

Klink slammed his hand down on his desk and then winced. "Schultz doesn't have the measles! What he has is a letter from the prisoners stating that he has been a 'humane and considerate guard'."

"Oh that. What is it you want to know about the letter, sir?"

The kommandant's evident anger vanished, and he gave Hogan a pleading look. "I thought perhaps that I might—since I've been such an understanding kommandant during my time at Stalag 13—"

"You want a letter too?" Hogan interrupted. "I do think that's wise of you, sir. After all, with the Allies practically at the gates of Stalag 13, you can never—"

His words were cut off as the door opened and Hilda poked her head in. "Excuse me, Colonel Hogan, one of your men is asking for you. Sergeant Kinchloe."

Hogan was on his feet before she finished. Klink was always there to bait another day, and it had to be something pretty important for Kinch to interrupt a meeting.

The radio specialist had a worried look on his face when Hogan joined him on the front steps. "Colonel, Deznik and Beale just made a broad daylight attempt to climb the wire. Schultz caught them, and LeBeau convinced him to let them go, but we sent them to your office."

"Oh boy." Hogan jerked his cap brim in frustration. "Just because they hear the fighting they think it'll be perfectly safe to go strolling through the woods and join up with the Allies. Don't they realize there's a German army out there too?"

Kinch shrugged and stuffed his hands in his pockets. "I guess they need something else to think about."

"I'll give them something else to think about!" Hogan swung the barracks door open so hard it cracked against the bunk behind it and bounced back closed again. "They've got KP for the duration!"

LeBeau waited until the colonel had finished with the two would-be escapers and then took a mug of coffee into the cramped office. "Colonel?"

"Hmm? Oh, thanks, LeBeau." Hogan lifted his head from its propped position in his hand and gratefully accepted the steaming drink.

"You're not going to like this," the Frenchman warned. "I've heard some of the other prisoners talking about how they could find the Allied forces if they were allowed to escape."

Hogan groaned. "Haven't we got enough trouble? I know they're restless because we haven't had any supplies dropped since the fighting got too close for the planes to fly, but surely they could just sit tight for a few weeks longer."

"It gets worse. Some of the guards have deserted to join up with the German army, because they think they'll get better treatment from the Allies if they're caught after a battle instead of caught guarding a prison camp." LeBeau refilled the colonel's cup without being asked.

"They're just going out to surrender?" Hogan asked incredulously. "Why not surrender . . . hey, maybe that's it. LeBeau, get the guys in here. Tell Kinch to turn the radio over to Baker—I need him."

LeBeau shrugged. "Baker did a fine job while Kinch was in the hospital with pneumonia, but now that he has that radio back Kinch treats it like it's a baby."

"Never mind the radio. I want him in here on the double," Hogan ordered.

When the men were assembled in his office, he took a deep breath and began. "How would you guys like to finish the war by running a prison camp?"