Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters and situations are the property of Stephanie Meyer. No copyright infringement is intended.

Summary: The pack lights up and discusses vampire sexual prowess. Who really has it better?

A/N: This is a series of 25 O/S's written for the Twilight Twenty-Five challenge, twenty-five prompts over the course of three months. Each piece, although all are humorous pack-centered stories, stands completely alone. Thanks to my husband for pinch-hitting as beta on this one. All mistakes are mine and mine alone.

Fic rec: Bluebird by meliz875. Check out my review on to see what it's all about.

The Twilight Twenty-Five

Prompt: 13. The grass is always greener on the other side.
Pen Name: kerigocrazy
Pairing/Character(s): Quil/Paul & various other pack members
Rating: M

Rated for language, dirty talkin', and drug use.

"Blowing Smoke"

Quil stuffed and rolled with the precision of a scientist, tight packing made for a longer smoke. For someone who was such a goof when it came to almost everything, he took his blunts seriously, thank you very much.

"Christ man," Paul growled, "just lick it and stick it."

"Patience, Lahote. This is just like eating pussy. You do it right the first time, so you don't have to delay your gratification."

A silent air of agreement filtered through the room. No need to spend an hour rationing your breath, when you could be buried balls deep in a fraction of the time.

"Done," Quil crowed. "Yo Em, pass me the light."

The quiet boy tossed him a white bic and he held the lighter up to the end, rotating amidst short puffs until it caught. "Yeah baby, that's perfection right there."

"Right, wonderful, you are the master. Now pass it here, cocksucker," Paul grunted, kicking a leg in Quil's direction, but missing due to a staunch refusal to move from his sprawling position on the couch.

After a final, long inhale, Quil passed his masterpiece on. "No need to get your panties in a knot, Lahote."

It was on the third pass that Quil got distracted by the smooth white lighter in his hand. "Like marble," he muttered randomly.

Embry, turned chatty from the weed, swiveled the recliner toward his best friend. "What the fuck are you talking about?"

"How come the vamps have it so much better?"

"Dude, are you high?" lazy laughter circled the room. "Shit. Right, you are. But you know what I mean. How can you possibly think the leeches have it better? They're human shaped mosquitoes."

Quil turned excitedly to his friends, his large hands gesticulating wildly. "No, don't you see? They get all the good perks and none of the draw backs. Exhibit A: When's the last time you woke up in the morning not soaked in sweat?"

"You gotta point there," Paul muttered. "Last time I forgot to kick a girl out, we woke up glued together. Fucking disgusting."

Nodding his head, Quil continued, "But the vamps? They're a toasty negative dead degrees. They don't sweat, period. And if we're discussing sex, let's talk about the fact that the bastards don't have to sleep. Nothing but hours and hours. Shit, days and weeks, of sweet, sweet lovin'."

"Dude," Embry breathed. This was like, epic. Nirvana was nothing but pussy for the foreseeable future, without ever having to worry about passing out and suffocating.

Paul could see it now. "Hey, what if your girl was the vamp?"

The other two stared at him in confusion.

"C'mon morons, think." Blank stares. "They don't have to breath."

"Holy."

"Shit."

A moment of silence filtered through the smoke laden room. "That's beautiful man," Quil said, eyes tearing up.

"Yeah." Embry had a wistful smile on his face. "Beautiful."

The next few passes were silent, but they found ways to keep themselves entertained. Paul gave his tongue a workout, he'd forgotten to do his reps this morning and the man never missed his daily cunnilingus drills. Embry was still focused on the idea of vampire blow jobs. If he ignored the possibility of frostbite on his delicates, he could definitely picture that haughty blonde chick with hollowed out cheeks. Quil was attempting, and failing, to blow smoke rings. Failure didn't phase him though; he was nothing if not optimistic.

"Dude, dude! What about the hair?"

"Seth? Where the fuck did you come from?" Paul shouted, a brief bout of paranoia had him leaning over the back of the couch in search of other stealth intruders.

"That's not important. What's important is the hair. If you're frozen as you are after they bite you, what if a chick gets bitten right after a Brazilian?"

Sweet, smooth pussy, Paul marveled. He was completely dazzled by the idea. No razor burn or unfortunate stubble marring the landscape. "You'd never have to worry about picking your teeth afterward again."

"The great Protectors," Leah said. "This is a sad day for our tribe. It's like a massive bottle of pride be gone."

Embry raised his hand, a respectful look on his slack face.

"Um, yeah?"

"Did the Clearwater genes come with some sort of super invisibility powers? Cause you totally weren't there, like two seconds ago, and now I'm all like, whoa, cause here you are. Am I right?"

Paul, Quil, and weirdly Seth, who was mostly focused on holding his breath, nodded in agreement.

"I have no idea what you just said. I've been here the whole time though, dumb ass."

Two hours later, they had raided Embry's kitchen. Quil sat cross legged on the floor surrounded by peanut shells, laughing hysterically. "Do you see it? Hey, you guys? Do you see it? I ate sooo many peanuts. Heh, nuts."

"Cheese Puffs are where it's at man," Embry said in all seriousness, inspecting his day glo orange fingers. "Don't you know anything?"

"I've got it," Leah broke in. "About the vampires."

It was like she set off a bomb. The boys were up in arms in no time flat, searching frantically for the threat. Paul had managed to remove his cut offs in one fell swoop, but seemed to stall on the actual phasing part. Instead, he stood there waving free and proud, and attempted to look menacing. Once his gaze fell on Leah's low cut top, he mostly looked to be standing at attention.

"At ease, stooges," Leah howled. "I was talking about the vampire sex thing."

"Oh, right," The boys muttered, resuming their previous positions, Paul minus his pants and not seeming to care.

"Anyway, what I was saying was that the pros just don't outweigh the cons in this situation. First of all, they're basically walking, talking rocks."

"So?" Quil asked, wondering if you could consider a vampire a pet rock. Cause that could be cool.

"You know that whole nails on a chalkboard thing?" The boys shuddered. Their hearing was really sensitive. "Now think about that noise every thrust."

Paul was no longer happy to be swinging free.

"Yup." Leah's voice was smug. "Do you think a vamp can even come? I mean if they don't have blood, can they still have jizz? And wouldn't it be like, frozen?"

"No," Embry moaned, cupping his boys.

"Uh-huh, and if that's what's lubing the passage ways, I can't imagine a vamp chicks vajayjay would feel real welcoming. I mean, their venom scars each other, so I'm guessing they're all walking around with dicks riddled with scar tissue."

Quil's face had gone completely white. "Why are you such a dream killer Leah? You are the reaper of happy."

Jesus, she mentally scoffed, was the pansy crying? "I'm just saying. Not so bad to be a hot-blooded, breathing wolf now, huh?"

Paul stood up and walked determinedly toward the door.

"Where you going man?" Quil called.

"To find something to stick it in," Paul called over his shoulder.

The three remaining boys stared before standing up and walking in separate directions. After that total buzz kill, it was time to make sure the equipment still worked.

Leah smiled, grasping the roach in her hand. It was good to be a woman. Idiots.