Tag to 5x05. This takes place right after the episode. I had so many feelings at the end of the episode i couldnt function. So i wrote this, and i actually do feel better.

Dislaimer: I don't own Merlin.

It had all been too much. Losing the people he cared deeply for… constantly living in fear of being discovered; for being who he really was.

Arthur had been so close… So very close to accepting magic. His chance was right there. The king had asked him what he would do. He had the chance to restore magic then and there, to make his dream become a reality and start a new age free of prosecution and fear.

But Arthur came first.

He always comes first. He is… always will be more important.

So when the choice came down to the return of Magic or Arthur's life, he chose Arthur.

He had always sacrificed so much for his friend. There was no option to do otherwise.

Because Arthur is more important.

When they rode back within the walls of Camelot, he had thought his sacrifice was worth it, he thought Arthur was safe once again.

But then Mordred came walking down the steps, so very much alive. When Arthur embraced his 'brother in arms', he could see everything come crashing down around him.

He sat alone in his room later that night, Gaius's consoling words doing nothing to calm the storm raging within his mind. He sat on his bed staring at the wall until the moon had risen high into the dark night sky.

Hearing the soft snores of his mentor from beyond his door, he crept quietly from the chambers and out of the castle before passing unseen by the guards of the main gates.

He ran through the woods, harsh pants escaping his lips as his eyes grew moist. Only when he broke through the trees did he slow to a stop on the banks of the lake.

His sad gaze passed over the calm waters and the snowy mountains in the distance.

He thought of all of those lost, all those that would never be, and those that were destined to be taken.

He grabbed his head as a soft sob escaped his lips and a single tear rolled down his cheek.

Freya, Father, Lancelot, and soon.. Arthur. All of the grief and pain from the past decade made itself known, and he screamed. He screamed for all of his loss and all of his failures. He screamed out of frustration and anger and the pain of losing everything that ever mattered to him.

He fell to his knees, head still clutched between shaking hands as heavy tears trailed down his cheeks and fell onto the sand.

There are times… when I feel as if the weight of my destiny is crushing me.

There was movement in the water, but he was too lost to notice. A warm weight settled on his shoulder, then a soft, gentle touch on his cheek. He looked up with heavy eyes and released another quiet sob at what he saw.

Freya said nothing, simply looking at him with sadness and understanding. She moved her hand from his shoulder and brought it around his back, pulling him into a comforting embrace. Still, she remained silent, running her fingers through his hair as he continued to softly weep into her shoulder and hugged her tightly. The sound of heavy footsteps approached and stopped beside him, a hand placed on each shoulder. He lifted his head from Freya's shoulder and looked at the comforting, smiling faces of Lancelot and Balinore.

He looked at each of them, they looked back at him.

A small smile grew, and spark of life returned to his eyes.

Sometimes it felt as if destiny was crushing him.

But even in the darkest corners of his mind, he could still find comfort in the memories of all those he had lost.