It took about a week of skirting around each other before we started acting somewhat normal again. I think we reached an unspoken mutual agreement that it was best not to talk about it. Easier to sweep it under the carpet and let it collect dust.

Days turned to weeks and then months. The seasons changed and before I knew it, it was Christmas.

On the first day of December, Dan celebrated by bringing home holiday drinks from Starbucks. I can't help but think how adorable he looks when his nose is red from the cold. My lips tingle with the memory of his kiss.

But I was right. He doesn't love me. He never did. I ended up saving us both from a lot of unnecessary pain.

"It's socially acceptable for me to say the C-word now, right?" I ask him with a grin. From my window, I can see a whole line of shops decorated for Christmas. That, mixed with the sweet smell of peppermint mocha is enough to make me nearly explode with anticipation.

"What, cunt?" Dan asks. I throw a pillow at his head, laughing as he moves his body to protect his drink. "Yes, Phil," he says, sitting next to me on the couch, and propping his MacBook on his knees.

"Christmas," I say with a smile and let out a sigh of relief. He chuckles at that and opens Twitter. We fall into a comfortable silence.

"Phil?" Dan says.

"Mmm?" I respond, scrolling through Tumblr. Dan's quiet for a moment. I take a sip of my drink.

Then, "I think I'm gay." I nearly choke on my coffee.

"Excuse me?" Oh, dear God. This is not happening. I look up at him, my eyes wide with surprise.

"Actually, fuck that. I know I'm gay." He leans over and kisses me. This time, nothing is forced, or uncomfortable. He tastes like cinnamon and coffee and—Dan. I lean into him. The kiss is short. Sweet. Everything I wanted our first kiss to be.

"I'm sorry," he whispers, pulling gently away from me.

"For what?" I feel too light-headed to think properly.

"For what I said to you back in July. For being stupid and blind. For not seeing you when you saw me. For a whole list of idiotic things I've done." His eyes are glued to me and I'm absolutely transfixed.

"This is a dream," I whisper, closing my eyes and willing myself to wake up. "This is a dream and when I wake up I'm going to be disappointed but that's okay because I've come to terms with you not loving me and I can live with that."

"Open your eyes, Phil," Dan says.

"I don't want to," I say stubbornly. Because what if this really is a dream? What if I open my eyes and it's not Dan in front of me but my bedroom wall? But this feels so real. God knows how much I want it to be.

"Open your eyes." And because it's Dan and because I am powerless against him I do what he says. He's still there, still Dan, still looking at me with the same adoring look. "I don't deserve you," he says. He presses his lips against mine, his cinnamon kiss making my head spin.

"This is me choosing you," he says. "This is me kissing you because I have to." He runs his thumb over my cheek. "I'm falling for you, Phil Lester." I kiss him quickly, thrilled that that's now something I get to do. "You can have me now, if you want me," he whispers against my lips. I don't think my heart has ever beat this quickly.

"Of course I want you, you idiot," I whisper back, burying my face in his neck. He's solid in my arms. Warm. Dan. "You're all I've ever wanted." The words are quiet enough that I'm not completely sure if he's heard me or not, but his arms are strong enough around me that I get the message.

He has me now.

And he doesn't plan on letting go.