A/N: A Teen Titans Story? From me? I thought it was the end of any stories from me in this fandom... but I've somehow become hooked onto it again and well... came up with this.

Enjoy.

At least, try to.

NB: I stole one of Cyborg's lines from the Teen Titans Go! comics. Credit the writers of such for the line.

Starfire jabbed a straw rather angrily through the foil casing of a mustard jar and began to suck up the tangy liquid with an unexplained vengeance. Clueless that the sight of her drinking mustard as a beverage was downright hilarious, she began to brood on the mortifying moment that took place only two hours ago wherein she had observed a condom and asked if she could use it on herself.

How dare her friends laugh at her like that and make her feel so embarrassed, thought Starfire, as the last dregs of the yellow condiment disappeared into one of her nine stomachs. Uncommonly, the living room was empty so Starfire took the chance to smash her hand onto the workbench to release her fury. A huge dent appeared as a result and Starfire couldn't care less.

She would get back at her friends for not explaining such basics of human knowledge to her. As she picked up another mustard bottle from the fridge and unscrewed the cap, naughty thoughts in her head expanded into something that for her, was very humourous indeed.

"And then Robin yelled out, 'Your mother was a Salamander!'" chortled Cyborg to his girlfriend, Sarah, as they walked down a dark hallway of Titans Tower. Consequently, Sarah laughed perhaps because she thought the story was funny, or just because she wanted to keep Cyborg happy so they could have some... alone time in his room.

"It sounds like you had a great time in Tokyo," Sarah said. "Do you think you could take me there sometime?"

"Of course, Sarah," whispered Cyborg, dropping his voice into a whisper. They stopped outside his bedroom door. "I'll take you anywhere..." With the same idea in mind, both teens leaned in to start a heated make-out session.

But they were interrupted.

"Oh! Sarah! How great to see you at such an ungodly hour!" exclaimed Starfire, as she cheerily waved at them both seemingly unaware she had intruded on a potentially good make-out session.

"Um... hi, Starfire. Same to you too," Sarah replied, blushing furiously and trying to remain polite.

"I assume you had a lovely and romantic date?" Starfire asked, stopping beside them which indicated a long conversation was about to arise. Unsurprisingly, Cyborg had no urge to talk to Starfire as his urge was slowly deflating. "Oh, you are wearing your holographic ring, Cyborg!"

"Yes." Cyborg said blankly, growing more irritated by the second.

"I guess you were hoping for the 'sexy time' with Sarah tonight, no?"

The couple stared at Starfire, Cyborg turning puce.

"Yes, you have always said Sarah was 'so smokin' she's smokier than barbecued ribs'..." Starfire then raised her finger to her lips, seemingly trying to remember another one Cyborg's lines.

"Uh, yeah, thanks Star..." Cyborg hurriedly began to enter his room and tried to drag Sarah with him, but she stayed rooted on the spot. She frowned.

"What else has Cyborg said about me?" she asked curiously.

"That you're very 'easy and up for it whenever'," Starfire said. "Something of that sort..."

"Excuse me?!" Sarah shrieked. She flipped her head to Cyborg who was making 'STOP SPEAKING RIGHT NOW!' signals at Starfire. "Is that true? Is that what you think about me?"

"No!" Cyborg insisted, but without conviction. Sarah glared daggers at Cyborg and he whimpered.

"I'm not entirely sure what he meant by that, perhaps you are not very good at the video games and Cyborg constantly excels over you?" Starfire shrugged innocently. "If that's the case, that's not a very nice thing to say Cyborg. Do you think the same of Beast Boy too?"

Cyborg looked as if he was going to faint.

Still on the mind track of thinking herself as easy sex, Sarah blanched.

"You... you... you never told me you're bisexual!" Sarah exclaimed. "You said you were straight-"

"I AM!" Cyborg roared. Starfire frowned and put her hands on her hips.

"What does it matter of sexuality?" she said. "Perhaps you two can join in a 'threesome', if it is true that you 'like girls', Sarah."

"I do no-"

"Maybe another boy, perhaps, if Cyborg is indeed the bisexual." As Sarah turned to fully confront Cyborg about everything Starfire had spewed out of her mouth, the latter tried to hide her grin as Sarah went on a tirade about Cyborg doesn't respect her and that why has he been telling all these lies to his friends? With one final slap across the cheek, she marched off with her nose in the air.

"Consider yourself dumped, Cyborg!" Sarah called out. She halted and turned around.

"Oh, and your dick isn't as long as you said it was!" she yelled for the whole tower to hear before she cleared off.

There was a moment of silence, wherein Cyborg was subdued by the shock of being dumped by Sarah when just five minutes ago, they were about to get it on. He looked at Starfire, standing there so innocuously and she curiously stared after Sarah.

"That wasn't a very nice thing to say. Robin knows he's not very tall, but there's no need to make fun of his height. Oh well, goodnight Cyborg, I hope you have sweet borjarks." With a cute yawn, Starfire floated off down the hallway without a care in the world.

Nighttime; Raven's favourite time of the day.

It was bordering 10PM and the Titans had already retreated to their rooms to either sleep or do things that were of no concern to anyone else. Raven was a reading one of her dusty old books again, one she had brought especially from Azarath which spoke of the theory behind meditation and methods to connect to your inner self and keep your emotions calm.

Much to Raven's surprise, a comforting pair of arms encircled her neck and a familiar voice whispered in her ear.

"Won't you hurt your eyes if you try to read without light?" Raven blushed. Another reason she like the darkness? Beast Boy could never see that she blushed in fact, quite a lot around him and this saved her a lot of her pride.

"The moonlight is enough, Beast Boy. Shouldn't you be in bed?" Raven droned, but didn't move away when Beast Boy positioned himself very close to her.

"I wanted to see you," he said suavely.

"Lines like that don't charm me Beast Boy, you know that fully well," Raven said, bringing her book up to her nose again.

"But cats do, don't they?" Beast Boy said and with a quick shift, he had morphed into an adorable little kitten than Raven's inner Happy couldn't resist picking up and nuzzling with her nose.

"I hate it when you're right, Beast Boy," Raven mumbled, before placing the cat on her shoulder. It rested against the crook of her neck and was well hidden by a curtain of purple hair.

Just when Raven was about to begin the chapter of 'How to ignore distractions completely whilst meditating', a worried voice echoed throughout the living.

"Oh Raven! Thank goodness you are here, and not your scary bedroom! I was afraid I would have to venture into the creepiness to locate you," Starfire said, all without a glimmer of shame. Raven said nothing; irked by Starfire's insult to her bedroom and her loud distraction (the chapter she was about to read surely would've mentioned something to ignore things such as this).

"Raven, I have an issue I must discuss with you." Starfire commenced, with all seriousness.

"Go talk to Robin." Raven said, almost automatically. It was a default response she had to Starfire whenever she interrupted her during a good read.

"I cannot," Starfire whispered. "I fear he will not fully understand or know how to place a tampon inside a girl." Raven almost instantly froze and sensed the cat on her shoulder do the same. Oh God, not one of these talks NOW... what did I do to deserve this? Raven thought. Even though inside she was dreading the upcoming conversation, outside she remained calm and collected.

"Look at the instructions in the box," Raven explained. Much to her dismay, this wasn't enough.

"Oh, but I have already Raven... do you think me an idiot? Of course I would consult the instructions already provided first! I am only asking you as I did not quite understand all that is required me to do!"

Raven paused for a moment, trying not to look at Starfire's earnest and pleading facial expression.

"I don't know how to use them either," lied Raven. She felt the little cat on her shoulder move bolt upright; she had almost forgotten Beast Boy was here. Listening to this all-female conversation.

Oh, God.

"You cannot?" Starfire said, seemingly surprised. "I was sure you could..."

"How?" Raven barked, getting more furious by the second.

"Because I observed there were half-empty tampon boxes in our female bathroom, and I'm quite sure Beast Boy would not be using them."

Raven felt Beast Boy fall off her shoulder and into her hood, where he would stay for the rest of eternity.

Starfire giggled at the thought.

"Oh, how hilarious! Beast Boy using a tampon-"

"Starfire, that is not hilarious." Raven said sharply. All signs of laughter disappeared from Starfire's face.

"Yes. You are right. There is no fun in making fun of Beast Boy's genitals. I'm sure you know very well he has male genitals."

You had to say that.

Raven cleared her throat and took in a deep breath and let it out. Calming her mind, she continued to speak.

"Starfire, would you mind leaving?" Raven said, trying her best to forget what Starfire just said. "I'm trying to read a book..."

"I see... of course I will..." Starfire stood up to leave, but then grinned mischievously. "Oh, I see! That is euphemism that you wish to have the 'alone time' with Beast Boy! I must definitely leave!"

"Beast Boy isn't here," Raven said quickly.

"Yes he is. He is in your hood, in the form of a kitten, is he not?" With a flourish, Starfire reached into Raven's hood and brought out a very disturbed looking cat and placed him on the sofa.

"I hope you have a lot of fun, Raven and Beast Boy!" Starfire exclaimed, winking very obviously at them both before cheerily walking out of the room. She stopped suddenly, and then shouted: "Oh, Raven, a hint to you! I heard Beast Boy singing to 'Blow my whistle Baby' yesterday, so perhaps he wishes for you to do just that?"

The last thing Starfire heard was a very crisp slap in the face.

It was every teenager boy's dream.

To have a make-out session with the most beautiful girl in the world – no, universe – in your bed was one of Robin's most favourite things. The best part? The most beautiful girl in the universe was his girlfriend.

This was definitely one of the perks of being the leader of the Teen Titans.

"Oh, Robin, massage my breasts!" Starfire cried out. For a split second, Robin stared at her. OK, it sounded strange when you said it explicitly like that... but how could he say no?

He followed her orders and she let out a scream of delight.

"I'm sure you will be relieved to hear that I am not faking my cries of excitement for you, Robin!" Starfire yelled at the top of her voice.

Well. It's flattering what she said, yes, but did she really have to say that out loud? Nevertheless, the Boy Wonder did not falter in his movements and they continued swiftly on for the passion for one another.

Robin leaned in and kissed her deeply again, but she pushed him away after a few seconds. Bewildered, Robin stared at her.

"You stuck your tongue down my throat very deep that time... I hope the taste of mustard does not offend your taste buds too much," Starfire said apologetically. "I understand that the taste of mustard during a make-out session does not always bode well."

"Don't worry about it, Star..." Robin muttered, trying to not let her unnecessary comments get to him as he kissed her for the umpteenth time, mindful not to stick his tongue too deep in case she made a similarly uncomfortable comment again.

After the upper body clothes were removed, Starfire decided to input another awkward comment.

"Robin, do you mind if I be the one on top now? You are much heavier than one initially thinks."

"... of course..." Robin said unsurely as he lied on his back against the bed whilst wondering what the hell was wrong with Starfire today. Starfire looked at his facial expression and mistook it for being offended.

"Oh dear! I have offended you, my darling! Do not worry; you are not heavy because you are fat, but merely because you have a lot of muscle mass."

Robin wondered how significant it was for Starfire to explain why she had made that comment. His open mouth was closed quickly by Starfire and momentarily, he forgot all about her strange acting and fell into a lustful oblivion.

Until...

"I had almost forgotten how difficult it is to remove your Spandex pants, Robin," Starfire mused when aforementioned item of clothing had finally been removed. "Or perhaps they are not pants, but tights? Cyborg and Beast Boy have often said they were so."

She's talking about Beast Boy and Cyborg when we're about to have sex?! Robin's inner teenage boy wailed.

"They're not." Robin said bluntly.

"Pants? Oh so they are tights after all..."

"No, they're pants, not tights!" Robin half-shrieked at Starfire's misunderstanding. Starfire looked surprised at Robin's outburst.

"There is no need to be so sharp with me, Robin. We are doing a romantic act at the moment..." Starfire said, as if her remarks before were of no disturbance to the overall mood. "Unless of course, you wish to stop."

Shit.

"No, no, I don't want to stop! Let's continue!" Robin said, mortified he had to tell Starfire outright that he wanted to continue to have sex. What on Tamaran is wrong with her?

Gladly, Starfire agreed and they continued smoothly (and wonderfully) until Starfire removed Robin's final undergarment. Much to his humiliation, she stared at his often-hidden-body organ for an uncomfortably long amount of time. He felt his face turn red and thought this moment could not get any worse.

But it did.

"I have never noticed before, but it hugely resembles a mushroom, does it not?"

If Slade just burst into his bedroom right now and killed him, he would prefer it to this.

"Do you not agree?" Starfire asked. Even though she was kneeling on his bed completely naked, she could not have looked more innocent.

"... each to their own." Robin squeaked.

Why is she acting like this?! Robin screamed in his head. She's acting so weird, and the others have said she's acted strangely too... has she eaten something that makes her say her thoughts out loud? Is this some sort of brain disorder only Tamaranians get? Is Starfire mad at me? What have I done to deserve THIS?!

Robin's internal stream of questions were answered in one simple statement that Starfire said next. With a shine of discovery in her eye, she pointed dramatically at Robin's genitals and shouted the following so loudly, Galfore in Tamaran must've surely heard it and will be coming to strangle Robin with his bare hands in the next few hours.

"That is where the condom is placed!"

A/N: So. Um. Yeah.

I think I might go to hell for this.

Apologies if I have offended any of you with my terrible humour, awful jokes and anything out of character (which is, on reflection, the whole one-shot).

Reviews will be lovely. Flames will be not... but understandable, if you wish to flame this awful thing. Oh dear.

PS. I am mindful that the fact Starfire wanted revenge for a little embarrassment she experienced was OOC in the first place, but maybe there are other factors to why she acted so weirdly?