Wait For You

I messed up. This was the biggest understatement of my life.

He finally had enough. He finally left me. For good, this time. I don't know what to do anymore.

I know he had been sick of fighting and crying and breaking up only to get back together. But I never thought he would leave me.

I want him back. I need him back. There's no one in the world more important to me.

Why did he have to leave? He could have told me how to fix all this. How to be better. How to stay that way, so we could be happy again. He could have stayed with me and fixed me, I wouldn't be so broken anymore.

I'm sitting at the table alone. Head in my hands, staring at the empty table, in my...our...empty apartment. The tears won't be stopping anytime soon. I messed up. I messed up.

I can't stand being here alone. The silence is more than I can stand, even with all the books I read. Silence is the worst.

He's afraid of me.

I let my anger slip again, this time causing permanent damage. I scared him. I screamed too loud; threw too many things; broke too many dishes. He wasn't coming back this time. It's been days already and I still feel like it only happened minutes ago.

My phone says it's been four days; to be exact. I think it's time I fess up. I hit the number 1 on my phone; the speed dial for Cody. It rings twice; then goes to voicemail. He ignored it. "Heya! You've reached Cody! I'm probably with my super cute boyfriend Noah right now! Leave a message, okay?" It beeps, and I take a breath.

"Cody, you know it's me...and I know I messed up. I really did it this time. I know this isn't how you want it to be...and it's definitely not what I want. This is never what I wanted for us...And I want to start over. I know I've wronged you, honey, I've wronged you so many times and this may seem selfish...but I want you to give me another chance...and I promise you, I will be better this time. I will wait for you, even if it takes the rest of my life to make up for it; I'll wait. I love you, and I'm sorry." I press my thumb to the end button. I hope that message is enough to at least earn a text. That would mean the world to me about now. Zero contact is killing me slowly.

I just hope he's not planning to forget me. At least, not all of me. He can forget the bad me all he wants but I never want him to forget all the happy moments we shared and how special he's always been in my eyes.

I may just go crazy if this keeps up. I don't know what to do with my life anymore. What do you do when the only thing important in your life up and leaves? I thought it would never happen; that it was just empty threats; that he'd never actually leave for good. So I kept pressing his buttons; never seeing that I was hurting him.

The phone hasn't even vibrated. How long has it been? Five minutes. It seemed like hours already, and these past four hellish days have seemed like years.

I never should have taken out my stress on him. That was my shit to deal with; and he had his own. This is all my fault; I know. But I don't know what else to do but cry. I'm such a child.

What could I possibly do to make him want to come back? Empty promises? I don't want that for him. I want only what's best for him...but only if it includes me. I don't care how selfish that sounds, it's the truth. I love him and I want him with me forever. But I want him to be happy. What do I do? I'm going crazy already...ten minutes, now. How long do I wait before assuming I'll get no response?

Back right before he left, he wouldn't even look me in the eye. He told me he was leaving. I didn't believe him, and I told him to go ahead, do it. God, I told him to do it. I told him to, and he did.

There's tears all over my face. I must look absolutely pathetic. I don't even care what I look like at this point, it makes no difference without him. I just want everything back. I want him back. Maybe one more message.

Yes, one more will be okay. Only one ring this time, I wonder if he listened to the first one yet. "Cody, I'm sorry for leaving more than one message, but I really wish I could tell you just how sorry I really am. I meant what I said before. About waiting. Please don't tell me I've run out of time. I'm not okay without you, Cody. I need you, and I know you still love me. I will do anything for you, you know that. I love you, please come home." So many tears this time; I really am broken.

I'm not expecting a response anymore. Laying on the couch alone is miserable. We used to lay here together and watch movies and laugh...but not anymore. He's gone. He won't even look at me. I ran out of chances; out of time. But I will always wait for him. No matter how long it takes. I'll always belong to him; my one; my only. He's my everything and always will be.

Or maybe he'll decide to come back. He'll come back, and forgive me for everything. He'll smile, and I'll know everything is okay. He'll give me that last chance and this time, I won't blow it.

My phone is vibrating, it's a text. "One last shot. I'll be there in a few. I love you too, Noah."

I managed a weak smile, and I knew everything would be okay. I texted back a simple response.

"I'll be waiting."

Annnnnd I just got you to sympathize with an abusive Noah. The power of writing, folks!

Wow this pile of angst came out of nowhere. I hope you all like it, inspired by the song Wait For You by Elliot Yamin, that randomly came on my ipod while I was in a writing mood while I was trying to write chapter 4 of You've Got Me. So I hope this holds you over until it's finished! Please review!