Consequences

Epilogue

He stood outside, trying not to look impatient. She always had made him wait. Finally, the door opened, and she came out, blonde hair gleaming in the sunlight.

"You look good."

"Liar. I look like hell. But I feel good."

"You always did underestimate yourself, Erin."

"Part of what got me in trouble. Can we stop along the way? I need to mail these." She was holding a bundle of what looked like personal letters.

Rossi's brows went up. "Mail them?"

"All except one. I need to make those amends in person."

It had been three months since the trial ended. While he hadn't quite let go of his apartment, Reid could be found most often at JJ's. Along with Henry, the couple were developing a blended family unit, one that was ironing out its relationship with Will LaMontagne. Will's reaction to Reid's acquittal had been swift, and heartfelt. He'd texted his good wishes as soon as he received news of the verdict, but was able to deliver them in person the next day, when he came to pick up Henry.

"I'm happy for you, Spencer. I truly mean that." He shook Reid's hand.

"Thanks, Will. It means a lot to hear it from you." Turning, Reid yelled, "Henry, your dad's here!"

Henry ran into Will's arms. "Daddy!"

Will squatted to hug his son. "Hey, Little Buddy, you ready?"

"Ready, Daddy!"

JJ joined the men in the foyer, carrying Henry's backpack. "He's got his pajamas, and toothbrush, and a change of clothes. Two, actually. Just in case he gets messy." JJ was speaking to Will, but looking meaningfully at Henry. "Oh, and Brownie, of course."

"Of course." Will took the backpack from her. "I'll probably have him back around four tomorrow. Is that okay, Cher?" He'd slipped with the endearment, and flashed a look at Reid. No reaction.

"We'll be here. You guys have fun!" JJ hugged Henry as he left with his father.

Once they were gone, she turned to Reid. "Alone, at last!"

"And awake!"

As promised, Reid and JJ had gone home together after the trial, for their own private celebration of victory. But it seemed others had celebration in mind as well. Gradually, and without invitation, the rest of the team started showing up on JJ's doorstep, with an exuberant Hotch and Katie bringing up the rear. After the protracted ordeal of the trial, the spontaneity of this party was most welcome.

Rossi brought the champagne….bottles of it. He held up his glass and prepared to make the first toast. But, uncharacteristically, Reid interrupted him.

"Can I say something first?" Then, having their attention, he continued. "These past few months have been some of the most difficult of my entire life. There were times when I thought….when I didn't think…"

JJ could see Reid getting choked up, and cleared her throat, prepared to step in for him. But he held up his hand to stop her.

"No, I want to say this." He paused to swallow. "What I want to say is that I couldn't have gotten through this at all without you. Each and every one of you. You all did so much for me, to boost my spirits, my confidence, and…" and he looked mischievously at Morgan, "and even my muscle."

They all chuckled at that, and JJ lifted her hand to squeeze Reid's biceps.

Reid made a point of looking at each of them individually as he spoke. "You guys know that I didn't have much of a family growing up. Nor now, either, I guess. But it didn't feel that way these past few months. You took care of me like I think a family would. I don't think I can ever tell you how grateful I am for all of that. As I would have been, even if the case hadn't gone in my favor."

Morgan interrupted him. "I've always called you my little brother, haven't I, Kid?"

Reid retorted, "Yeah, but it was always preceded by 'that pain in the neck". Garnering a laugh from all of them.

"Anyway, I'm grateful to all of you. For all of you, in my life. And that goes for you too, Katie. If not for you and Hotch, I wouldn't be able to stand here and say this at all. You guys saved me. Thank you."

JJ had tears in her eyes. They'd saved her, too.

Conversation, laughter, and even some tears took up the rest of the afternoon. It was their first protracted time together in months, and they relished it, even not having realized how much they missed it.

Each feeling like they could truly relax for the first time in months, the others left in time for Reid to go with JJ to pick Henry up from preschool. Before they left, Hotch reminding everyone that they were back in rotation come Monday morning. The 'stand down' siege was over.

When they arrived at the preschool, his godson spotted Reid's head above the others in the crowd of parents, and came barreling at him. "Uncle Spence!"

"Henry!" Reid bent to pick him up, vowing never to take for granted this relationship he'd almost lost. He would be grateful every time he heard the child call his name, or reach for him, or proudly show his godfather his latest achievement. This morning, he'd said goodbye to Henry. This afternoon, he welcomed the promise of a lifetime of mornings, and afternoons, and evenings, together.

Henry didn't understand what might have made his godfather cling to him so tightly. Having seen an opportunity, he wriggled down and out of Reid's grasp.

"I'll be right back, Uncle Spence!"

Henry ran off and returned with several of his friends. "This is my Uncle Spence. He can do magic!"

Turning to Reid, he pleaded, "Make a quarter come out of my ear, Uncle Spence! Show them!"

Reid smiled. He knew he was about to increase Henry's social capital in the preschool. He reached into his pocket, and removed a coin. Using his long fingers to showcase the coin, he then made it disappear. The skeptics in the group insisted on examining Reid's hands, front and back, while Henry looked on expectantly. When they were satisfied that it wasn't a trick, Reid turned to his godson.

"Henry, what's that in your hair?" And he reached behind Henry's ear, and pulled out a quarter.

The audience was stunned, as Henry smiled triumphantly. "See, I told you! My Uncle Spence can do anything!"

"Do me!" "Do me!" "Do me!" rang out in chorus. And Reid did, each in succession, for the next half hour. The other parents, mostly women, looked on in amusement, at the same time that they sized up the new man in Jennifer Jareau's life. Several of them sent her approving smiles.

The afternoon gave way to an abbreviated evening in the Jareau household. Henry, though unaware of the trial, had been empathic enough to pick up on the tension preceded this evening, and now noticed that it was gone. He couldn't have said how or why, but the household seemed more relaxed tonight. But he could also see that the adults were exhausted. They'd each gotten into his bed with him, one on either side, to read him a story. Reid was out first, followed rapidly by JJ. Henry turned his head from side to side, looking at each of them. Then he slipped out of bed and ran to the living room. He brought back an afghan, and covered Reid. He allowed JJ to share his own covers with him.

Reid woke around eleven, and gradually came to realize where he was. He turned to see that he was sleeping in a twin bed with both JJ and Henry, and began to laugh. The motion caused Henry to turn, but woke JJ up. They each kissed him gently, and headed back to their bedroom.

"I think I was sleeping the sleep of the dead, JJ. I haven't actually slept in months."

She kissed him. "We're going to make sure you get lots of sleep…and lots of food. Spence, you're too skinny."

"Your timing is perfect. I seem to be getting my appetite back!"

But not his energy. All intentions to the contrary, Reid was back asleep again within minutes of hitting the pillow. JJ, nearly as tired, sat up for a while and watched him sleep, stroking his hair. The life she'd thought she was going to lead, the one without him, was now just a forgotten figment of her imagination. It was time to imagine a new one.

I love you, Spencer Reid. And I will spend the rest of my life showing it to you.

That was three months ago. Today, they both anxiously awaited the ringing of the doorbell. The team was back to full function, they were finding their way as a family unit, and they'd long ago bid goodbye to any unwanted media attention. Katie had given the suspect voice mail over to the feds, who'd begun an inquiry about jury tampering. Diana Reid continued to exist comfortably at Bennington, unaware of her stint at center stage. William Reid had gone back to his quiet life, the recipient of a polite 'thank you' note from his son. No other contact was promised.

Some things had changed. One very notable thing had changed. As they awaited their visitors, JJ remarked on it.

"I'm so glad for Hotch and Katie, aren't you? I mean, she's great and she seems so good for him."

They'd all noticed a loosening up in their unit chief over the past few months.

"Katie is great in my book, no matter what. But yeah, I'm glad she's with Hotch. He deserves to be happy, and it seems like she does that for him."

"Let's hope they don't have to go up against each other in court, then. After all, she is a defense attorney, and Hotch isn't usually a witness for that side of the case."

The conversation was interrupted by the sound of the bell. JJ went to the door to admit their guests.

"Rossi, Chief Strauss, hello." Her voice was stiff. She was attending family groups, and learning about the process, but JJ was still resentful of this woman who'd wreaked havoc in Reid's life.

"Hello, Agent Jareau." Strauss was equally formal. Until Rossi broke the atmosphere.

"JJ, Erin, we're not at work. This isn't about work. Well, not really. It's about people. Can we all just be 'people' today?"

Reid had arrived to the foyer in time to hear what Rossi said.

"Sounds good to me." And he stepped forward to shake hands with his good friend, and with Erin Strauss.

"Agent Reid."

"Spencer." He'd eschew the title, but he'd still keep it formal.

"Very well, Spencer."

"And I'm Jennifer."

Strauss knew that wasn't what the others called them, and recognized that they were keeping her at a distance. Rossi saw it too, and understood. He would play along.

"Please call me Erin." Pause. "Well, today, at least."

The two young agents looked at each other. They weren't sure they could do that, but they would try.

"Okay. Please sit down. I've got some coffee ready." JJ brought out a tray and set about pouring.

Strauss, looking uncomfortable, began. All of them, save Rossi, were remembering that fateful day she'd called the young agents to her office. When she'd rejected Reid's offer of his token. When she'd issued the veiled threats. And all of them, including Rossi, remembered the terrible ordeal her machinations had set in motion.

"I came here today to ask your forgiveness, to make amends." She hesitated, eyes downcast. "I don't know how I can expect you to forgive me, but I know I need to ask for it. That you deserve for me to ask, even if I don't deserve to receive it."

Reid was watching her intently. He'd been down this road, and was looking for some sign that she was being genuine. It had been her second attempt at rehab, after all. Might it have been the last she would need? Or was this another show?

Although she was learning from her attendance at family support groups, JJ was still considerably less understanding. This woman had threatened her, threatened Spence, carried out some of those threats and then been unrepentant throughout the ordeal she'd put them through. All of that sorrow, depression, despair, grief….all of it had been put into motion by Erin Strauss. Even if the political ambitions of those on the congressional review board had brought it to fruition, it was Strauss who originated everything. Sitting beside her, Reid could feel JJ's tension growing. He reached over to hold her hand.

Across from them, Rossi patted Strauss on the back as a gesture of support. He prayed that his two young colleagues would have the maturity to forgive his old love.

Strauss continued, still having difficulty with eye contact.

"I've learned many things about myself in these past few months. I've had to come to terms with this relentless ambition that seems to plague me and everything I do. I'm told it comes from childhood insecurities." She looked briefly up at them, and then away again.

"But you don't need to hear about that. It doesn't really matter where it came from. Not to you, anyway. It only matters that I let it take control of me, and let it obscure my sense of right and wrong."

She seemed to give herself a bitter laugh. "It wasn't even the alcohol, it turns out. It was the ambition. But it was unleashed by the alcohol." She looked across at the young couple.

"Agent Reid…Spencer, I am so sorry for what my ambition cost you. What I cost you. We call this 'making amends', but I don't know that there is any way I can atone to you. I can only tell you that I am sorry. Abjectly, profoundly, sorry. And I need to beg your forgiveness, even though I've no right to it."

The words hung in silence, for what seemed like a full minute. JJ moved her eyes among the three others in the room, not certain of the expected response. Rossi's eyes were closed in silent prayer for the outcome. Reid had been staring at the floor, but now looked at Strauss and cleared his throat. He used what he thought of as his 'witness voice', soft, and quiet.

"The word 'amends' refers to change. As in 'amending' something. It's not necessarily about atonement." He paused, carefully considering his words.

"You're right. You can't atone for what happened. It's already in the past. It can't be changed. The only thing you can amend is yourself." Now he paused for a long time. JJ wondered if he was thinking about his own 'amends'.

"If you are genuine in this, Chief Strauss, " he couldn't even pretend to be able to call her 'Erin', " then I accept your apology. As we are all aware, I've had some experience myself, and I would be a true hypocrite to deny you the same thing I've had to ask of others. If you are truly amending your life, then I happily offer you my forgiveness. And my admiration. I know how hard this road is."

None of them had ever expected to see the sight, but there were tears flowing from the eyes of Erin Strauss. This agent, young enough to be her son, was proving her senior in wisdom and life experience. And, by far, her senior in tolerance and understanding.

Rossi's face held a small smile of approval. He saw Strauss' emotional state, and took her hand, making them a virtual mirror image of Reid and JJ.

Strauss put out her hand. "Thank you, Agent Reid…..Spencer. I'd no right to expect it, but I'd hoped….."

Reid shook her outstretched hand as all of them rose. He tried to defuse the emotionality of the moment with humor. "Well, you know, there might be something you could do…."

She stopped her motion. "What is that?"

He grinned at her. "Well, neither of us has had a raise in, like, forever…"

She smiled at him. "Forget it, Agent Reid." No 'Spencer' now. She was back in Section Chief mode. "Didn't you hear about the budget crisis?"

Rossi had a hand to Strauss' back, escorting her out. They bid their farewells at the door. As they left, Rossi turned back and mouthed 'Thank you' to his fellow team members.

JJ didn't say anything until Strauss and Rossi were gone. Reid caught her glowering.

"I know. I'm starting to understand, but I still don't like it." She'd found the support group meetings for family members to be eye-opening. But she didn't think she could ever be as forgiving as this man she'd fallen in love with. "I mean, she didn't even lose her job!"

They'd learned later about Rossi's unexplained absences from the trial. He'd worked at Strauss, pressured her, become a one-man intervention crew to get her to admit her relapse with alcohol. He'd been certain of it even before she admitted it. No matter her ambition, the Erin Strauss he'd loved so many years ago would never have allowed such destruction to befall a person in her charge. She would never have failed someone the way this Erin had failed Spencer Reid.

He'd broken her, even before the trial was over. He'd accompanied her to her superior, and arranged for her rehabilitation. None of them could affect the trial already underway, but they could seek to mitigate the damage. Both Rossi and 'John' had agreed to the media battle in pursuit of that mitigation.

Now that she was successfully in recovery, the FBI would support Erin Strauss in the resumption of her duties. She'd paid no price in her status with the FBI. But in her personal life, in her private conversations, in her innermost thoughts, she paid on a daily basis.

Now, with Rossi and Strauss having left them, Reid tried to explain to JJ how he looked at things.

"I haven't forgotten what she put us through, JJ. And I hope I don't ever completely understand it. But I do know this. That sometimes, we recognize a huge life decision when we come to it. Like getting married, or having a baby, or buying a house. But most of the time, we make what we think are small decisions, and don't give them a second thought. But when we do that, we don't hold those decisions to the same standard of right and wrong as the others. We don't think much of them at all. But those decisions, those actions, no matter how small they seem, well they can grow into something bigger. Something with real consequences, however unintended."

"And you think that's what she did? That she made small decisions with unintended consequences?" Somehow it didn't seem so diabolical when put like that.

He was nodding. "I think all of us do it, every day. We don't think long enough, or hard enough, about most of what we do. We take things for granted." Even as he spoke, he thought, I will never take anything for granted, ever again.

"Until something like this happens. Until our lives are turned upside down by it." JJ moved into Reid's arms.

He held her close. "Until then. " Reid looked down at JJ, resting against him. He grinned at her. "I hereby vow not to take anything in our relationship for granted. I will tell you every day that I love you…this counts for today, by the way…"

Now she was grinning back at him, as he continued on.

"And, especially living with a four year old, I will never take for granted that we will have time alone together. Like we have right now….."

And they retreated to the bedroom, to take advantage of that which they would never take for granted.

She'd done it. It had been, short of her conversation with Reid and JJ, the most difficult utterance of her life. But she'd made it.

"My name is Erin. And I am an alcoholic."

"Welcome, Erin." "Hello." "Hi." Had come from the Beltway Clean Cops meeting attendees. She'd told the non-classified parts of her story and then, with a sigh of relief, taken her seat. She now had one month of her second sobriety behind her. It was proving to be challenging, but with the help of the BCC and her one man support group, she was managing.

As she hurried to her car in the brisk early spring evening, she heard someone calling her name.

"Erin! Erin!" There were no last names, and certainly no titles, with the BCC.

Strauss turned, thinking that it was the group's leader calling after her. Maybe she'd left something behind. But, to her surprise, it was an unexpectedly familiar face.

"John!"

FINIS

A. N. That's it. Hope you all enjoyed it. I know it might have been more satisfying for Strauss to have been punished, but I don't really think life is lived in black and white. It's almost always (not 50) shades of gray. Thanks to everyone for the reviews, and favorites, and follows. The writing is already fun, but you make it all the more precious with your responses. Next up is Transitions, which started as an experiment in Reid/Maeve. But then we were 'zugzwanged', and it will now likely end up with a more familiar pairing. I think.