Disclaimer: Yui does this for pure enjoyment. She doesn't own any of the characters for Gravi or any other yaoi/shounen ai series except making up Shinya (so tech., he's mine). I own every 'song' in this story except when I've indicated otherwise such as 'Bronze – End Chapter' by Koyasu Takehito.
Breathe, this is a long ending.
Aching Desire
(Nagareboshi 3)
by Yui Miyamoto
Epilogue - Aching Desire
Ryuichi sighed as I closed the door to go back to my seat. While walking out into the hallway, someone grabbed my arm.
"Hey-" I started to protest.
But when I felt the cold metal against the skin of my back, I laughed. "Oh hello, K-san!"
"Hello, hello!" He chuckled as he put his gun down.
For the moment.
I turned to face him and tried not to be rude as I said, "Sorry that I can't talk long, but I've got to go back to my seat."
"No no no," he said in English. "You are in trouble, Uesugi Tatsuha!"
I instantly freaked out and blinked my eyes.
"What did I do this time?!" I questioned in frustration.
Holding his gun out to my forehead, I gulped.
I must have done something. I know he wouldn't get pissed if I didn't _do_ something.
Okay, okay, let's see. I kept Ryuichi longer in the shower than I had anticipated, but no one was here before us, so it couldn't be that.
Ryuichi hasn't lost his voice again, but he did get hurt-
K smirked at me as he put his gun on his holster. Putting his hand on the top of my head, he said, "You didn't let me tell you that you did a good job."
A whirl was coming my way when I began to answer, "For wha-mmm!"
Ryuichi had just run out of his room, got in between us, and kissed me on the lips while smiling. With a thumbs up, he ran onto the stage.
I didn't want to miss anything!
Nervously, my eyes lingered towards the direction of the stage .
"Don't worry, he won't start without you," K said as he put his hand on his forehead.
Then, he sighed while saying, "He went all out today."
"He sure did." I nodded, but K appeared as if there was something more to what he said.
Looking back at K with a sweatdrop, I asked, "W-What did I do?"
"You got his voice back." Smiling, he pointed at the stage, "And now everyone's happy."
Turning me around and walking towards the stage, he put his arm around my shoulder like the buddies we had become. "I'm glad I didn't have to blow your head off on Ryuichi's account. You had me very worried for both of you."
I shook my head and patted his back. "Thanks."
"Ryuichi's charm is that he takes what he wants whether or not anyone has anything to say about it. Your strength is that you're up to par with that." Just like my brother, he scruffed my hair. "All of you have become my family here in Japan, so don't _ever_ worry me like that again."
I smiled at him as we walked towards the stage.
"If anyone does, and messes up…BANG!" he shouted as he pointed his hand like a gun on the stage.
I jumped as I scratched my head while remarking, "I hate it when you do that."
"I know. Everyone does." With a smirk that defined his utter satisfaction, he replied back in English, "And I _LOVE_ it!"
(Author: * smile * hee.)
"I have to get back to my seat," I said as I was about to turn towards the seats.
"No no no, Tatsuha," K told me. "I'll tell you when you can go back."
I blinked at him and then put my head down in disappointment. Once you got him on a power trip, you couldn't ever get him out of it unless you played along for the state of your well being.
* sweatdrop *
With a wide grin, he pushed my back. "Now you can go."
I shook my head. "See you later!"
That's right, K. It's always so simple in your terms.
Get what you want or don't go for it at all, but don't ever waver.
I got through the crowd and found my seat next to Tsuki, who was beaming while holding her Kumogorou. "Why were you talking with K-san?"
"Ryuichi?"
As soon as I sat down, I sat in the chair as Ryuichi nodded his head, lifted up his hand and said, "LET'S GO!!!"
"YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!" the crowd screamed.
"But before my last song, I want my first guest to come out here." He held his microphone near his lips as he turned with a wink to me. With a gesture of his hand, he pointed towards the left hand side of the stadium.
When the guest was coming, the crowd became even more ballistic. I couldn't see who it was at first, but my jaw dropped as soon as Ryuichi bowed to him.
Ryuichi handed over his mic, but not without saying, "Seems like he doesn't need an introduction."
He laughed as he continued, "With his life currently told in manga-style by none other than Ozaki Minami-sensei, here's Nanjo Kouji-san!!!"
Okay, so my jaw dropped a little bit wider as the song began to play. It was the one called "Bronze - End Chapter."
Closing his eyes, he then held out his gloved hand as the strands of his hair fell gracefully like satin to the side of his tall figure.
When he opened his eyes, he tapped and began to sing.
It was as if I had gone to my first concert all over again. I closed my eyes for a bit as he sang,
"Darenimo kowasenai
Donna kami ni mo sumuitemo ii
Inochi nado, nakushitemo,
Anata dake ireba ii…"
My lips mimed the familiar words. These were the words I sang whenever I got very lonely and couldn't bear to hear Ryuichi's voice any longer.
When Nanjo-san sang the very last words, he lifted his chin and closed his eyes. His face pointed towards the person he was singing for: Takuto Izumi the soccer player.
There was no shame in this. With tenderness, in a whisper, he lifted his hands towards him singing in English, "If I only have you."
"NANJO KOJI-SAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" The crowd screamed and I clapped until my hands hurt.
I had temporarily lost my voice and nothing was going into my head except the lyrics of his song.
"Thank you very much." Then, he waved at the audience
Taking the mic, Ryuichi bowed again and then he went to the middle of the stage. "How was that for you?!"
Nanjo-san left and Takuto got up to go with him.
"GO RYUICHI!!!!!!!"
The shouts were getting out of control and the audience's energy radiated as Ryuichi smiled and said, "But I have another guest. They don't need to be introduced either, so…"
The crowd was silent.
Ryuichi lifted up his hand, "COME UP SHUICHI, HIRO, AND SUGURU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
The crowd went even more wild as Shuichi took the microphone, nodded his head, and they began.
Bad Luck played "Blind Game Again" and I smiled widely.
Wasn't…wasn't this my brother's definition of love?
My brother, who was I the front row, leaned on his seat as if he were bored while shaking his head. He looked at me and then he smirked as if to say, "I'm getting too old for this."
But you could tell, he was content with Shuichi's laughter as he sang,
"Blind game again
Drastic game a game
Blind game again…"
And there was no doubt as Hiro stole a glance at Suguru and Shuichi kept on smiling as he passed his eyes over the audience and landed them on my brother.
Shuichi shouted, "THANK YOU MINNA-SAN!!!"
"Thank you!!!" Ryuichi said as he and Shuichi, Hiro, and Suguru hugged each other temporarily.
"BAD LUCK!!!!!!!!"
Waving their goodbyes, they also left the stage and went back to their seats in the front.
The spotlight was on Ryuichi again, but then, he sighed as he shyly looked at the audience. "Years ago," he said as he glanced at me, "there was someone on this very stage that sang a song that changed music forever. And when I looked at him, he was the one who had changed my life with his songs."
I looked around the crowd to find no one making a sound, just rustling. Confused, I looked at Ryuichi, for he had never told me about this ever.
For the first time since this concert had been televised, Ryuichi looked directly into the camera and said, "Thank you, whomever you are, for telling Tatsuha a story."
"Father…" I mumbled and Tsuki leaned on my shoulder for a moment with closed eyes.
But Ryuichi didn't know anything about it…
To him, it's just a story…
Looking back at me he said, "I was once told the same story, Tatsuha. It was in a song that my next guest is going to sing."
He looked at the crowd as he slowly brought his hand out to the left stage.
Tap…tap…tap…
The audience that had awed at Nanjo Kouji and Bad Luck were absolutely quiet. And then, I saw who they were looking at…
Oh my god…
The man, who was still handsome in his later years, smiled as he found me in the crowd. Taking up the microphone, he said, "I am going to sing a song that maybe most of you haven't heard of because it was before you were born."
As the song began, he whispered, "It's called 'Kimi ni'."
I sat there silently like a doll, unmoving and unchanging as he sang.
"While the rain was pouring, I thought of you.
You were whispering to me.
I looked around and you disappeared,
But I still can hear your voice.
'Why did you do it? What were you thinking?'
I told the boy when he asked me,
'I'll never come again.'
Never looking back at him,
It's a world that has separated us,
We've got to go back to reality.
Pushing the crowd of people,
I knew what you were wondering,
'Why did we ever fall for one another
when it was destined to fall apart?'
I wondered what the hell was happening,
When I began to sing and looked your way
You gave me a cruel look,
I wanted to tear it off.
Then you come and visit me,
Telling me you're my fan.
'Why are you telling me this? Aren't you ashamed?'
And you looked at me to say,
"Why would I be?"
Never looking back at him,
It's a world that has separated us,
We've got to go back to reality.
Pushing the crowd of people,
I knew what you were wondering,
'Why did we even fall for one another
when it was destined to fall apart?'
[instrumental]
Just fade away.
Can that happen so easily?
Kept the secret from leaking endlessly,
I told you I would forget you.
You told me I was weak,
And you were so right.
You never looked back at me again.
It's this world that has separated us,
We've got to go back to where we come from.
Pushing through the crowd of people,
You knew what I was saying,
'It's easier to kill yourself
than for me to tell you what I did.'
Don't believe
In what you see.
(We've got to go back to reality.)
Everywhere you look
They'll tell you sweet lies.
(See through mine.)
Don't believe
In what you see.
(We've got to go back to reality.)"
I looked at Ryuichi throughout the song because he didn't know. He didn't know anything and I couldn't even cry because I was so shocked.
My father was right,
Shinya did have a charm much like Ryuichi's, but even exceeding it…
Looking left, looking right, hand movements, facial expressions…this couldn't describe Shinya's talent and how he could draw a crowd with his fingertips…
Touma looked at his father and dipped his head while sitting.
The audience then found their voice as they shouted, "SHINYA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Bowing to the ground, he said, "Thank you very much."
Then, he smiled and left the stage as people still kept on calling, "PLEASE COME BACK SHINYA!!!!"
No, he won't come back…
Because he has found what he's looking for.
Ryuichi then took the mic into both of his hands as he surveyed the audience seriously.
"People sing for many different reasons. For many different people."
A hush went over the crowd once more.
He continued, "I sang because I wanted to find something. To find why the hell I live. Seguchi Touma used to say, 'The boy who has everything, what else do you want.' But he was one to talk."
Everyone laughed, but I kept my eyes straight on Ryuichi.
I folded my hands as I focused on him.
"I didn't know how to sing because I did it for fun." His voice echoed as everyone continued to listen attentively. "But I didn't know how to truly sing until I got my lucky charm."
"Uesugi Tatsuha!" someone called out.
"Shuichi, don't get ahead of me." He laughed as he tilted his head cutely like a child. Looking straight at me, he took out something from his pocket. Lifting it into the air, he nodded, "This was my good luck charm. From some anonymous fan."
"I made a melody to go along with this letter that was addressed to me. I never released it, but I sang this song called 'Kiku', five years ago. Except, the person who had made the letter couldn't hear my song that night."
Then, the high tempo of the song began as he was walking to the middle of the stage.
K, who had been to the side with his arms crossed watching both us, he left with a satisfied smile.
"I've listened to you everyday
Wondering what are you singing for?
Who do you sing for?
I listen because I want to know more,
To know more about you.
And I find no answers at all.
Just a poster on a wall
That I talk to.
Embarrassed as I am,
I take no shame when people tell me
I admire you more than I should.
And that's just fine by me,
Because you'll never know me."
I couldn't even breathe as I shook my head. As he sang this, I could see Ryuichi's eyes had softened, but still with that determination I knew so well.
"Because you'll never know me,
I can do what I want
Without you watching me.
But that's all wrong,
I want to meet you just once
To tell myself I live in a dream
And I've got to wake up.
I didn't listen to you because you're popular,
I didn't listen because you knew what to sing,
I listened because
You never lied.
Even if the world's not fair.
And I don't think it's fair,
Just once, I want to know if I'm wrong.
I want to know if what I feel is wrong.
Tell me that it is shameful
So that I'll stop.
How can I fall in love with you?
Because you'll never know me,
I'll go on with life
While listening to your songs.
And that's all right,
You'll never meet me just once
For me to tell you that I like your style
And you've made me a better person.
Just because I listened…
Just because I listened to your songs…"
By the end of it, Ryuichi lifted up his head, but I could finally see, that that wasn't sweat.
They were tears dripping from the side of his eyes. I was trying to hold my own tears while looking at him through the blur in mine.
Ryuichi…
I really can't believe you were the one who found my note…
I was embarrassed for even writing it, but I couldn't tear it either.
Tapping his foot, another song immediately started. "I also made a song as a response to that letter. This is my last song for a year, please enjoy it. It's called 'Surechigau'!"
With a wink to me, he grinned happily. "This is why, Tatsuha."
"(whisper) Do you what it means
that you can't breath
wanting to crumble into pieces
out of helplessness?
Looking at your own reflection
You knew a change had begun.
It was your fault…
Surechigau, passing one another,
You'd think it was all a work of fate.
I looked at you as you said,
'Sumimasen' to me.
Closing the door, I looked at it wanting
To break it with my hands.
This is wrong.
This can't be our story.
I won't accept that
We'll always be apart.
It's too cruel
Upon my heart.
I searched and searched for years
Knowing I was nothing to you.
Just a face you passed each day
On the wall, you thought I never saw.
But I knew as I gradually lost my sanity,
I was looking for you everywhere.
(Hopelessly.)
This is wrong.
This can't be our story.
I won't accept that
I can't reach you.
It's suicide
To my heart."
He whispered as he held his hands out,
"Where could you go?
Where did you come from?
How can I make you mine?
How can I keep you forever?
(How can I make you not say goodbye?)"
Putting down his hands, he ran his fingers through his head as if agony. Then, he pulled the microphone close to his lips as if serenading with a kiss.
"Watching you like a mirror
Where you pound until your hands bleed
Screaming your name
In a deadly silence, no one hears me.
You don't understand anything
Because I can't even tell you.
I don't care about Fate anymore.
Because I can't see anything
Nothing but you.
This is wrong.
This can't be the story of
You and Me.
I can't accept that you'll never know me
Because I know who you are.
I've been watching you from the shadows
(Silently, silently.)
This is wrong.
(How can my love for you be wrong?)
This can't be our story.
(How can I make you fall in love with me?)
I won't accept that
(I can't survive this torture any longer.)
I can't reach you.
(Because you don't know anything.
It's suicide
(I'll beg on my knees for you.)
To my heart.
(I don't want anyone else.)
Please give him back to me.
You were meant to be mine.
(No matter what Fate says,
I won't allow it.)"
The crowd shouted and clapped in a frenzy…
Holding up the piece of paper with his arm up in the air, he bowed his head humbly, softly.
Looking up once more, he stared right at me with a gentle smile.
Then, the lights went out.
**
Right after the concert, there was a conference for the press to ask Ryuichi questions. I stood at the side with Tsuki as Ryuichi nodded his head and smiled at the cameras.
After twenty minutes, Ryuichi asked, "Any last questions?"
"What do you plan to do on your one-year hiatus, Sakuma-san?" one reporter asked with a pencil and pad in his hands.
He glanced down as he smiled happily and then looked at everyone. With proudness, he pointed at Tsuki. "Uesugi Tatsuha and I are going to take a break because Tsuki Miyu right there carries the child I'm going to take care of for the rest of my life."
There was a 'wow' throughout the crowd and the reporters wanted more than ever to ask questions but Ryuichi bowed and said thank you.
"But we thought that you and-"
Ryuichi lifted up his hand and shook his head.
That night, Ryuichi and I went over to Tsuki's place to crash. The next day, we made plans for the baby as we sat around her dining room table over ice cream. I kept on taking Ryuichi's because it would make him too hyper.
"What are we going to name him?" Tsuki asked as she licked her spoon.
"It'll come in time," I answered as I took another lick from Ryuichi's spoon.
"First thing's first, where are we living?" Ryuichi asked as he took back the spoon and licked it again. "Here or LA?"
"I still want to go to LA for my schooling," Tsuki said as she sighed. She took a scoop from the ice cream container.
"But I have to live here at the temple," I sighed and took a big bite out of Ryuichi's spoon.
Kumogorou was getting dirty with the little splat of mint chocolate chip on his face.
I rubbed it away with my thumb.
"Okay, okay, so you're living here in Kyoto and Tsuki goes to LA." Ryuichi took another lick satisfied. "And I pay for everything."
Tsuki shook her head. "You can't do that! I can pay for it."
Ryuichi shook his head as he gave me the spoon and took a hold of Tsuki's hand. "You've helped us out a lot, Tsuki-chan."
Smiling he said, "And as repayment, you're covered for the rest of your life."
"You're kidding," Tsuki blinked her eyes as she said this. "Oooh! Thank you! But you know I can't do that."
She sighed as she cupped her hands over Ryuichi's. "I went to LA so that I could get away from this heiress thing. I'm the only daughter of this family, but my parents died so early that I've lived alone for several years now.
"I wanted to do things for myself, so that I could say 'I did it all by myself'. Thank you though, Ryuichi-san."
"If you need anything, just call us in Kyoto." Ryuichi said with a smile. "We'll be there in the next sixteen hours at your doorstop."
I looked at them. "So where does the baby live?"
"My job requires me to move from place to place." Tsuki frowned as she took a big bite of her ice cream.
"So, we can keep the baby here in Japan?" Ryuichi asked with a hopeful look. "Please?"
Tsuki shook her head as Ryuichi still held her hand. "I'll miss the baby…."
We sat there for a while in silent. With only the sounds of eating ice cream, we all looked at one another with sighs willingly given out.
In the end, we decided that we would have the baby here in Japan, but on every vacation, the child would go to Tsuki.
Tsuki rubbed her small belly while trying not to cry.
I knew she was sacrificing a lot because she had always wanted a child. That was one thing she always wanted most in the world.
Ryuichi grabbed onto her hand while I got up and hugged Tsuki from behind. Softly and sincerely, I thanked her, "Thank you so much…"
She shook her head and lightly patted me on the head. Being always the one to think of me first, she hit me on the head. "What did I tell you? Never look back."
I nodded and wistfully smiled. "Of course, of course."
I looked at both of them.
"So, is there anything else we have to talk about?" I asked as Tsuki fell back onto me warmly.
"We can't make anymore plans. They always change anyway." Ryuichi looked at us with a reassuring nod. "We'll just see what happens."
We all nodded to one another.
"That's very true…" Tsuki agreed.
I hugged her tighter knowing how much this whole incident hurt everyone…
And yet how much closer it made everyone…
All that mattered was that the baby would grow up where people loved him right?
I had prayed that my father would at least last until the baby was born, but it was never to be.
Days after the concert, we three visited my father for the last time.
As we climbed up the stairs, Aniki, Onee-san, and the rest of the game came to say their last goodbyes to my father. The doctor said that it was only a matter of days now and nothing they did could prevent it now.
Tsuki and Ryuichi patted my father's hand. My father, who could no longer talk, but was with an oxygen mask, managed to smile at them.
I turned around trying not to cry. It was because I knew. We all knew what he would have said by now and his smile explained it all.
They left the room and I was again alone in the room with my father. I stood next to him and held his hand.
"I understand now, Father," I explained while sighing and a burden within my heart. "I can't believe it always takes me so much longer to realize stuff."
I began to form tears in my eyes again, but I didn't shed a tear. "I always thought Aniki and Onee-san were so much smarter than me. That they could get things so much faster than 'little Tatsuha'.I thought that I had to find some way to be better than them so that you would be proud of me too. Onee-san always listened to you, but you never told Aniki that you were always proud of him too. But you told me and I had to make him see it though he never thought you would say such good things about him."
"But I thought that I was wrong and weird to fall in love with Ryuichi just because he was a man," I continued as I held his hand a little bit tighter. "I thought that you would push me away because I never seemed to follow what I should do, though I tried my best to. No matter what I did, there was always something that made me stand out, though quietly.
"But you know what I realized? You and I are the same in that sense, Father. You always told me, 'Always try to outdo yourself.' Short and simple. I never needed to fear about losing anything as long as I knew who I was.
"The only thing that ever mattered and that you were proud of was that I always tried my hardest to get what I wanted, without anyone's help. 'The day you stop trying is the day that I disown you, Tatsuha,' you told me when I was ten because I didn't get number one in that math competition. Only now…only now did I learn. That was my strength all along, Father."
With his hand, he gripped me weakly and I smiled. But as I let go and turned to walk out the door, I saw his eyes.
Father was waiting for someone other than me now…
As I closed the door behind me, I saw someone's footsteps. I bowed my head as he came towards me.
While he passed me, he stopped to pat my shoulder. With a tired look, but with the same determination as any Seguchi he said, "Do you think your father would mind if I could visit him now?"
That was when I patted his hand and I started to cry. This was the question Mr. Seguchi had always asked me all my life. And when I was little, I always shook my head to give an excuse. I couldn't understand why my father refused to see him when he was such a kind man to all of us.
Nodding, I finally replied, "Yes, I think he'd like that."
But he gave a smile as if he knew that I knew what had been left unspoken all these years…
My father died the next day.
He had waited for Shinya…
***
The funeral was a small one. Father always hated large gatherings, and I now I knew why.
Everyone paid their respects. And as expected, everyone thought I would be giving the eulogy. But I didn't.
Aniki did. Not because he was the writer, but because he was the one most like Father.
After two days, my sister, brother, Shuichi, Ryuichi, and I rummaged through everything in the house. (I had already sent home the maids and other servants with payment for their years of service. But, I gave Minoru what my father had specifically asked for: A driving escort service.)
Pretty much everything was kept in as it had always been, but I had personally asked to pack father's things. Everything in his room was kept in one part of the house.
Well, almost everything. We split the inheritance, only, I gave my share to the baby. The only thing that mattered to me was the tape and letter, for safe keeping. After all, it was addressed to me.
Touma couldn't make it those days because he was finishing up the case about Ryuichi's 'accident'. It turned out that it wasn't an accident at all. Kawai-san, whom I never liked anyway, wanted to win favor with my father instead incurred the wrath of Touma. And let's just say that this never went to court, but Touma dealt with this situation with as much personal attention as he could give it. * shiver *
Shortly, after the funeral and all the cleaning, Ryuichi, Tsuki, Shuichi, the group, and I went over to Los Angeles. Everyone took a short vacation there to escape the tumult of everything.
They helped us move most of Ryuichi's and Tsuki's things back to Japan. It wasn't much though. Ryuichi left everything in his home in LA except a bag of small things: Music sheets and notes. He didn't need anything else.
As for Tsuki, she brought what she thought she would need in Japan because she was going to live in Kyoto for a year.
When we left, Tsuki was given a home as a gift by Ryuichi, but it wouldn't be lived in until the next year when she would start school.
Everyone came back to Japan at the same time, but parted as soon as we all arrived in Tokyo. Ryuichi and I went home as Tsuki went to hers.
But before Ryuichi entered the house, I closed the door behind me.
"Hey, why did you do that?" he asked with confusion in his voice.
"I have properly greet you!" I shouted with a guilt so silly. "Just knock."
"Oh…okay…" He did as he was told.
Knock, knock.
I opened the door and smiled. "Welcome home, Ryuichi."
Nodding, he understood me without a word.
Glancing at the spot where I had thrown him, I looked back at Ryuichi and threw my arms around him. This time, he was the one to carry me as he closed the front gate behind us.
"Please…please give Tatsuha to me," he whispered to my ear lovingly.
I nodded as he carried me into the house. "Yes, he's yours now."
Many months later, Tsuki gave birth to a healthy baby boy with Ryuichi and I looking on to each side of her..
It was chaotic to say the least as he looked at everyone while everyone was trying to introduce themselves.
I kind of felt sorry for him, having to learn all our names.
All our names…
Names of people that had worked so hard to help him come into the world…
"So, what's his name?" everyone kept on asking, but Tsuki, Ryuichi, and I had no answer.
When everyone went away and Tsuki slept with Ryuichi next to her, I had somehow managed to keep the baby in my arms.
With a smile, I sat in the chair poking his nose. "I've waited a long time for you."
He crinkled his nose and gurgled at me happily and I laughed. "You're just like Ryuichi. So pokeable."
But as I looked into his features, he had my eyes with Tsuki's delightful smile. Just looking at him radiated his own charm. It wasn't because he was a baby, but because he had that certain attraction to him that was both unique to Ryuichi and Tsuki. I couldn't describe it though. I just knew they both had it and that's why I loved them so much.
At that moment, I said while looking at him looking up at me. "Your name is Riki Uesugi. Ri, the first and last letters of Ryuichi. Ki for the end of Tsuki."
I hope that I will be a good father to you as mine had been to me, Riki…
A few days later, I had to go back to school and as I passed by the kitchen holding Riki, I laughed as I found Ryuichi shouting at 7 am in the morning, "It's finished!"
"Finished the new song?" I asked as I walked towards the door.
Still holding Riki, I slipped my shoes on.
How do other people do this?!
I was only how old, but my life had changed so much in one year.
I kissed Riki as I handed him over to Ryuichi. Kissed Ryuichi quickly on the lips while placing the cloth on his shoulder so that he wouldn't get wet by Riki's drool.
"I have to do a presentation this morning!"
"Wait!" Ryuichi said as he handed over his blue mini-disc player and earphones to me. "You'll have to tell me how this is."
I nodded my head as I took it into my hands and put on the earphones while slipping the mini-disc into my pocket.
"Say goodbye to Tatsuha!" Ryuichi said as he lifted Riki's hand to say goodbye to me.
I waved and closed the front gate behind me.
While crossing the street, I took out the player and pressed play.
"But which track?" I fumbled with it. "Oh, there's only one this time."
I had done this many times for Ryuichi, but this was the first time that it felt different.
The beat was medium-paced. What I mean was that it wasn't too fast, but it wasn't too slow either. Just right…
It was different from any other song he had ever done, and that was just the intro.
But there was a synthesized violin that you could hear clearly that blended well with the music. It carried the tune that Ryuichi would sing along with.
Then, I heard his voice.
"Words are words
and they hurt you
(like love).
I put my faith in a single piece of paper.
Thinking of you,
'This is wrong, this is wrong'.
Wanting the white to bleed
As I did at that moment
You closed the door.
You cut me so deep,
I didn't want to be saved
From my sin
(looking at you against Fate's wishes).
I wanted to drown
Because I liked being suffocated.
Thinking, "Anything to get to you,
Anything to get to you."
When you're caught in between
Desire and Pain
Tell me where's the difference
If I experience both
At the same time.
Aching...Desire...
Sinking beyond what I want
I'd do anything for you.
I'd sell my soul
If I can keep you
All to myself.
(All to myself)
You tell me that love's a path
Where everyone treads,
But how come you can't tell me
The destination?
In my mind
I shattered into pieces
And bleed on your feet
While you walked all over my heart
With a smile.
Tell me baby, do you love me?
Tell me baby, do you want me?
Tell me lies
Tell me the truth,
I don't care
what you do
as long as you're mine.
Aching Desire.
I lust for your touch,
I sell you my soul.
We've made a fair trade.
Let me get deeper into you...
Do whatever you want to me,
I'll take anything...
Because I don't care
What hell you want to do
As long as you're mine.
When you're caught in between (Trapped)
Desire and Pain (I'm going to go insane)
Tell me where's the difference (I don't know anymore)
If I experience both (Ever since you walked through the door)
At the same time. (Waiting for you.)
Aching...Desire... (It's something I can't control)
Sinking beyond what I want (Let me drown within you)
I'd do anything for you. (Because I can't let go)
I'd sell my soul (To the devil himself)
If I can keep you (Locked forever with me)
All to myself. (I can't survive.)"
In English, he ended,
"Because if you breathe 'goodbye',
I'd rather take a lie.
Because wherever you are
That's where I want to be.
My fate has been sealed
In my lover's hands,
My aching desire."
The song faded. I sighed and then smiled while entering the gates of the university.
Ryuichi then said into the recording, "This was the real response to your letter years ago, Tatsuha. I didn't release it because of all the problems it would entail for you, me, and everyone around us.
"But I changed it somewhat. Still, I think it doesn't express everything I wanted to say. Didn't I tell you, Tatsuha? That story you told me, it'll never be our story.
"I won't ever allow it."
As I went into the classroom, I sang along with the track,
"My fate has been sealed
In my lover's hands,
My aching desire."
I figured out what was missing and told him later that night, after Tsuki called from LA to say her daily hi to Riki.
As Ryuichi held Riki in the den trying to put him to sleep, I wrapped my arms around his shoulders.
"Thank you for the song." Then, I whispered, "And, I know what's missing."
"I knew you would know," he said as he smiled.
"Whisper this at the end." Looking at the pond before us, I said,
"I'll defy Fate herself;
I don't care about destiny."
Owari.
--
Author's note: So, we're finally at the end. I still can't believe it took me 38 parts to get this all out. And I don't even want to go back and see how many pages the whole thing was with revisions, cuts and add-ins. I don't know if Touma's dad is still alive, but for artistic license, please just believe it for this fic.
What mattered most to me was that this was one of the fics that I thought, "Damn…if I make this sucky, everything's going to go along with it."
Everyone was so kind to me with this fic. Pointing out things I needed to improve, what needed to stay, and why they loved it so much.
'For as long as you could stay'...said with much endearment, trying so hard not to cut your heart off. This was my favorite line in the whole series.
I thought 'how much do I need to pay to get you back' was it, but no. When I wrote this line, I felt myself fall apart. I cried for a minute in silence not being able to convey this emotion successfully. Trying to show that it wasn't out of spite that he said it, it was because he always wanted to be with Tatsuha's father. He didn't think it would change, if not for the fact that Tatsuha's father needed to fulfill his obligation (whom he learned to love his wife, after all).
With this single line, I knew that this fic was worth making.
I made this fic the way it was and how long it was because I wanted to show how much Tatsuha and Ryuichi had to sacrifice for one another. There is no such thing as a perfect thing. And it seemed like Ryuichi and Tatsuha's love was 'perfect', but as you read along (and I wrote more), you could see that it wasn't. Tatsuha never felt he could never catch up to Ryuichi. Ryuichi thought that if he ever let Tatsuha go, he could never sing the same way again, so he would have to stop all together.
Some may say that some parts were unnecessary, but no, they were. These flashbacks showed what had gone on for the two years we don't read or know about. Ever.
I didn't understand at first why everyone was so excited for this fic. I thought, 'Maybe it's because there's not much out there with this pairing' or 'How can they stand something so long? Am I really doing a good job?' But then, Chapter 31 just did it for me. I was finally able to see what you saw...and I re-read all the other previous chapters.
Listen to 'Ordinary World' when you read Chapter 31, it's more powerful that way.
I didn't understand what Adri said when she said, 'That's what I like about you'. And now, I understand: I try to outdo myself. I don't challenge others; I just try to make myself a better person each day.
There were some reviews that said, 'Very realistic'.
I do agree. I made this because right now, I'm very skeptical of where I'm going. Stay in the States and go to grad school and follow my parents' instruction. Or do I go to Japan and teach there, with all the protests of my family? Obligation vs. Passion. I think that's what made these characters very real. Not to mention that this was a dominant theme in old Japanese texts ("Kokoro", for example – my favorite book).
I realized that even if I can't act, I am acting through my writing. I've to pretend I am Tatsuha for several months now. And going back through the chapters, I see how he has matured in the story as well as I have in writing and as a person.
Just like Deep Inside of You for X, I still can't believe this took me so many months to complete. Why? It was because I wanted to take my time to make everything count. Someone on the SeixSu ML recently said, "Love is not always good," or something like that. And that's very true. But neither is it something that is completely satisfying and completely bad or good.
I wanted to convey that through this fic. The more I wrote it, I realized that I wanted to tell a story that wasn't just a story. I don't know how to convey this. So, as a reader told me, "Your fics breathe." Now, I understand why people can see past all the mistakes I made. I don't care about giving my heart because my fic will have no soul without it.
Thank you to readers Adri, Teresa for always helping me, Melissa for telling me "I've read the prologue nine times" and so it got me to writing the rest of the fic, Madiha, Ruri-chan, Dyoklako, Lady Muraki, Yin, Winnie, Mie Ame, Daryl, Saku, Laura, Malina, Yuu, Kujakku, Lishy, Keeta maxwell, Emily, Psycho gurl, Ita-chan, Saffire, Starsweeper, Evangeline, Fei, Rinny, Yami no Tenshi, dJeu, Ayako, Mirai Shinranui, syn D, Keinami, Cafe Mocha, Shime, tearlesereph, whomever puts a blank ;_;, V-Amy, Topaz, Rika-chan, Emchan, Lilywind, Karen, Rosethorn, Sumari Mikhale, Talon no Hentai, MysticHakai, Kioku Mitsu, Kuma Kuma, Lia-chan, and all the lurkers whose names I wish I knew...Please know that each and every one of you is deep appreciated.
I would never finish this if it weren't for you. ^_^v
And all those who have read this fic and to those who are going to read it.
You can't imagine how much of a comfort it is to find that other people appreciate what you love to do. I just make fics to make a voice because I'm usually quiet. So, thank you and even if I'm bad with e-mails, I do read them. You can't ever imagine how much happiness fanfic-ing gives me and to make people cry or laugh or feel something really moves me.
Any feedback about anything would be greatly appreciated because onto the next fic with my self-challenge, "How can I make this better than the last?"
As long as you read, I will keep on writing. (And with all the fan service with it! ^_~ I'm a rabid fangirl too!)
In conclusion, this is dedicated to my lola who's birthday is today and my grandfather…may they rest in peace…
Merry Christmas and I love you for believing in me...
Love,
Yui miyamoto
12/26/02
Translations:
"Darenimo kowasenai
Donna kami ni mo sumuitemo ii
Inochi nado, nakushitemo,
Anata dake ireba ii…"
No one can break
Whatever god wants to block us, it's all right
Life, etc., whatever lost,
If I only have you, it's all right.
Surechigau – pass one another
Sumimasen – sorry, form of apology or 'excuse me'.
Breathe, this is a long ending.
Aching Desire
(Nagareboshi 3)
by Yui Miyamoto
Epilogue - Aching Desire
Ryuichi sighed as I closed the door to go back to my seat. While walking out into the hallway, someone grabbed my arm.
"Hey-" I started to protest.
But when I felt the cold metal against the skin of my back, I laughed. "Oh hello, K-san!"
"Hello, hello!" He chuckled as he put his gun down.
For the moment.
I turned to face him and tried not to be rude as I said, "Sorry that I can't talk long, but I've got to go back to my seat."
"No no no," he said in English. "You are in trouble, Uesugi Tatsuha!"
I instantly freaked out and blinked my eyes.
"What did I do this time?!" I questioned in frustration.
Holding his gun out to my forehead, I gulped.
I must have done something. I know he wouldn't get pissed if I didn't _do_ something.
Okay, okay, let's see. I kept Ryuichi longer in the shower than I had anticipated, but no one was here before us, so it couldn't be that.
Ryuichi hasn't lost his voice again, but he did get hurt-
K smirked at me as he put his gun on his holster. Putting his hand on the top of my head, he said, "You didn't let me tell you that you did a good job."
A whirl was coming my way when I began to answer, "For wha-mmm!"
Ryuichi had just run out of his room, got in between us, and kissed me on the lips while smiling. With a thumbs up, he ran onto the stage.
I didn't want to miss anything!
Nervously, my eyes lingered towards the direction of the stage .
"Don't worry, he won't start without you," K said as he put his hand on his forehead.
Then, he sighed while saying, "He went all out today."
"He sure did." I nodded, but K appeared as if there was something more to what he said.
Looking back at K with a sweatdrop, I asked, "W-What did I do?"
"You got his voice back." Smiling, he pointed at the stage, "And now everyone's happy."
Turning me around and walking towards the stage, he put his arm around my shoulder like the buddies we had become. "I'm glad I didn't have to blow your head off on Ryuichi's account. You had me very worried for both of you."
I shook my head and patted his back. "Thanks."
"Ryuichi's charm is that he takes what he wants whether or not anyone has anything to say about it. Your strength is that you're up to par with that." Just like my brother, he scruffed my hair. "All of you have become my family here in Japan, so don't _ever_ worry me like that again."
I smiled at him as we walked towards the stage.
"If anyone does, and messes up…BANG!" he shouted as he pointed his hand like a gun on the stage.
I jumped as I scratched my head while remarking, "I hate it when you do that."
"I know. Everyone does." With a smirk that defined his utter satisfaction, he replied back in English, "And I _LOVE_ it!"
(Author: * smile * hee.)
"I have to get back to my seat," I said as I was about to turn towards the seats.
"No no no, Tatsuha," K told me. "I'll tell you when you can go back."
I blinked at him and then put my head down in disappointment. Once you got him on a power trip, you couldn't ever get him out of it unless you played along for the state of your well being.
* sweatdrop *
With a wide grin, he pushed my back. "Now you can go."
I shook my head. "See you later!"
That's right, K. It's always so simple in your terms.
Get what you want or don't go for it at all, but don't ever waver.
I got through the crowd and found my seat next to Tsuki, who was beaming while holding her Kumogorou. "Why were you talking with K-san?"
"Ryuichi?"
As soon as I sat down, I sat in the chair as Ryuichi nodded his head, lifted up his hand and said, "LET'S GO!!!"
"YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!" the crowd screamed.
"But before my last song, I want my first guest to come out here." He held his microphone near his lips as he turned with a wink to me. With a gesture of his hand, he pointed towards the left hand side of the stadium.
When the guest was coming, the crowd became even more ballistic. I couldn't see who it was at first, but my jaw dropped as soon as Ryuichi bowed to him.
Ryuichi handed over his mic, but not without saying, "Seems like he doesn't need an introduction."
He laughed as he continued, "With his life currently told in manga-style by none other than Ozaki Minami-sensei, here's Nanjo Kouji-san!!!"
Okay, so my jaw dropped a little bit wider as the song began to play. It was the one called "Bronze - End Chapter."
Closing his eyes, he then held out his gloved hand as the strands of his hair fell gracefully like satin to the side of his tall figure.
When he opened his eyes, he tapped and began to sing.
It was as if I had gone to my first concert all over again. I closed my eyes for a bit as he sang,
"Darenimo kowasenai
Donna kami ni mo sumuitemo ii
Inochi nado, nakushitemo,
Anata dake ireba ii…"
My lips mimed the familiar words. These were the words I sang whenever I got very lonely and couldn't bear to hear Ryuichi's voice any longer.
When Nanjo-san sang the very last words, he lifted his chin and closed his eyes. His face pointed towards the person he was singing for: Takuto Izumi the soccer player.
There was no shame in this. With tenderness, in a whisper, he lifted his hands towards him singing in English, "If I only have you."
"NANJO KOJI-SAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" The crowd screamed and I clapped until my hands hurt.
I had temporarily lost my voice and nothing was going into my head except the lyrics of his song.
"Thank you very much." Then, he waved at the audience
Taking the mic, Ryuichi bowed again and then he went to the middle of the stage. "How was that for you?!"
Nanjo-san left and Takuto got up to go with him.
"GO RYUICHI!!!!!!!"
The shouts were getting out of control and the audience's energy radiated as Ryuichi smiled and said, "But I have another guest. They don't need to be introduced either, so…"
The crowd was silent.
Ryuichi lifted up his hand, "COME UP SHUICHI, HIRO, AND SUGURU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
The crowd went even more wild as Shuichi took the microphone, nodded his head, and they began.
Bad Luck played "Blind Game Again" and I smiled widely.
Wasn't…wasn't this my brother's definition of love?
My brother, who was I the front row, leaned on his seat as if he were bored while shaking his head. He looked at me and then he smirked as if to say, "I'm getting too old for this."
But you could tell, he was content with Shuichi's laughter as he sang,
"Blind game again
Drastic game a game
Blind game again…"
And there was no doubt as Hiro stole a glance at Suguru and Shuichi kept on smiling as he passed his eyes over the audience and landed them on my brother.
Shuichi shouted, "THANK YOU MINNA-SAN!!!"
"Thank you!!!" Ryuichi said as he and Shuichi, Hiro, and Suguru hugged each other temporarily.
"BAD LUCK!!!!!!!!"
Waving their goodbyes, they also left the stage and went back to their seats in the front.
The spotlight was on Ryuichi again, but then, he sighed as he shyly looked at the audience. "Years ago," he said as he glanced at me, "there was someone on this very stage that sang a song that changed music forever. And when I looked at him, he was the one who had changed my life with his songs."
I looked around the crowd to find no one making a sound, just rustling. Confused, I looked at Ryuichi, for he had never told me about this ever.
For the first time since this concert had been televised, Ryuichi looked directly into the camera and said, "Thank you, whomever you are, for telling Tatsuha a story."
"Father…" I mumbled and Tsuki leaned on my shoulder for a moment with closed eyes.
But Ryuichi didn't know anything about it…
To him, it's just a story…
Looking back at me he said, "I was once told the same story, Tatsuha. It was in a song that my next guest is going to sing."
He looked at the crowd as he slowly brought his hand out to the left stage.
Tap…tap…tap…
The audience that had awed at Nanjo Kouji and Bad Luck were absolutely quiet. And then, I saw who they were looking at…
Oh my god…
The man, who was still handsome in his later years, smiled as he found me in the crowd. Taking up the microphone, he said, "I am going to sing a song that maybe most of you haven't heard of because it was before you were born."
As the song began, he whispered, "It's called 'Kimi ni'."
I sat there silently like a doll, unmoving and unchanging as he sang.
"While the rain was pouring, I thought of you.
You were whispering to me.
I looked around and you disappeared,
But I still can hear your voice.
'Why did you do it? What were you thinking?'
I told the boy when he asked me,
'I'll never come again.'
Never looking back at him,
It's a world that has separated us,
We've got to go back to reality.
Pushing the crowd of people,
I knew what you were wondering,
'Why did we ever fall for one another
when it was destined to fall apart?'
I wondered what the hell was happening,
When I began to sing and looked your way
You gave me a cruel look,
I wanted to tear it off.
Then you come and visit me,
Telling me you're my fan.
'Why are you telling me this? Aren't you ashamed?'
And you looked at me to say,
"Why would I be?"
Never looking back at him,
It's a world that has separated us,
We've got to go back to reality.
Pushing the crowd of people,
I knew what you were wondering,
'Why did we even fall for one another
when it was destined to fall apart?'
[instrumental]
Just fade away.
Can that happen so easily?
Kept the secret from leaking endlessly,
I told you I would forget you.
You told me I was weak,
And you were so right.
You never looked back at me again.
It's this world that has separated us,
We've got to go back to where we come from.
Pushing through the crowd of people,
You knew what I was saying,
'It's easier to kill yourself
than for me to tell you what I did.'
Don't believe
In what you see.
(We've got to go back to reality.)
Everywhere you look
They'll tell you sweet lies.
(See through mine.)
Don't believe
In what you see.
(We've got to go back to reality.)"
I looked at Ryuichi throughout the song because he didn't know. He didn't know anything and I couldn't even cry because I was so shocked.
My father was right,
Shinya did have a charm much like Ryuichi's, but even exceeding it…
Looking left, looking right, hand movements, facial expressions…this couldn't describe Shinya's talent and how he could draw a crowd with his fingertips…
Touma looked at his father and dipped his head while sitting.
The audience then found their voice as they shouted, "SHINYA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Bowing to the ground, he said, "Thank you very much."
Then, he smiled and left the stage as people still kept on calling, "PLEASE COME BACK SHINYA!!!!"
No, he won't come back…
Because he has found what he's looking for.
Ryuichi then took the mic into both of his hands as he surveyed the audience seriously.
"People sing for many different reasons. For many different people."
A hush went over the crowd once more.
He continued, "I sang because I wanted to find something. To find why the hell I live. Seguchi Touma used to say, 'The boy who has everything, what else do you want.' But he was one to talk."
Everyone laughed, but I kept my eyes straight on Ryuichi.
I folded my hands as I focused on him.
"I didn't know how to sing because I did it for fun." His voice echoed as everyone continued to listen attentively. "But I didn't know how to truly sing until I got my lucky charm."
"Uesugi Tatsuha!" someone called out.
"Shuichi, don't get ahead of me." He laughed as he tilted his head cutely like a child. Looking straight at me, he took out something from his pocket. Lifting it into the air, he nodded, "This was my good luck charm. From some anonymous fan."
"I made a melody to go along with this letter that was addressed to me. I never released it, but I sang this song called 'Kiku', five years ago. Except, the person who had made the letter couldn't hear my song that night."
Then, the high tempo of the song began as he was walking to the middle of the stage.
K, who had been to the side with his arms crossed watching both us, he left with a satisfied smile.
"I've listened to you everyday
Wondering what are you singing for?
Who do you sing for?
I listen because I want to know more,
To know more about you.
And I find no answers at all.
Just a poster on a wall
That I talk to.
Embarrassed as I am,
I take no shame when people tell me
I admire you more than I should.
And that's just fine by me,
Because you'll never know me."
I couldn't even breathe as I shook my head. As he sang this, I could see Ryuichi's eyes had softened, but still with that determination I knew so well.
"Because you'll never know me,
I can do what I want
Without you watching me.
But that's all wrong,
I want to meet you just once
To tell myself I live in a dream
And I've got to wake up.
I didn't listen to you because you're popular,
I didn't listen because you knew what to sing,
I listened because
You never lied.
Even if the world's not fair.
And I don't think it's fair,
Just once, I want to know if I'm wrong.
I want to know if what I feel is wrong.
Tell me that it is shameful
So that I'll stop.
How can I fall in love with you?
Because you'll never know me,
I'll go on with life
While listening to your songs.
And that's all right,
You'll never meet me just once
For me to tell you that I like your style
And you've made me a better person.
Just because I listened…
Just because I listened to your songs…"
By the end of it, Ryuichi lifted up his head, but I could finally see, that that wasn't sweat.
They were tears dripping from the side of his eyes. I was trying to hold my own tears while looking at him through the blur in mine.
Ryuichi…
I really can't believe you were the one who found my note…
I was embarrassed for even writing it, but I couldn't tear it either.
Tapping his foot, another song immediately started. "I also made a song as a response to that letter. This is my last song for a year, please enjoy it. It's called 'Surechigau'!"
With a wink to me, he grinned happily. "This is why, Tatsuha."
"(whisper) Do you what it means
that you can't breath
wanting to crumble into pieces
out of helplessness?
Looking at your own reflection
You knew a change had begun.
It was your fault…
Surechigau, passing one another,
You'd think it was all a work of fate.
I looked at you as you said,
'Sumimasen' to me.
Closing the door, I looked at it wanting
To break it with my hands.
This is wrong.
This can't be our story.
I won't accept that
We'll always be apart.
It's too cruel
Upon my heart.
I searched and searched for years
Knowing I was nothing to you.
Just a face you passed each day
On the wall, you thought I never saw.
But I knew as I gradually lost my sanity,
I was looking for you everywhere.
(Hopelessly.)
This is wrong.
This can't be our story.
I won't accept that
I can't reach you.
It's suicide
To my heart."
He whispered as he held his hands out,
"Where could you go?
Where did you come from?
How can I make you mine?
How can I keep you forever?
(How can I make you not say goodbye?)"
Putting down his hands, he ran his fingers through his head as if agony. Then, he pulled the microphone close to his lips as if serenading with a kiss.
"Watching you like a mirror
Where you pound until your hands bleed
Screaming your name
In a deadly silence, no one hears me.
You don't understand anything
Because I can't even tell you.
I don't care about Fate anymore.
Because I can't see anything
Nothing but you.
This is wrong.
This can't be the story of
You and Me.
I can't accept that you'll never know me
Because I know who you are.
I've been watching you from the shadows
(Silently, silently.)
This is wrong.
(How can my love for you be wrong?)
This can't be our story.
(How can I make you fall in love with me?)
I won't accept that
(I can't survive this torture any longer.)
I can't reach you.
(Because you don't know anything.
It's suicide
(I'll beg on my knees for you.)
To my heart.
(I don't want anyone else.)
Please give him back to me.
You were meant to be mine.
(No matter what Fate says,
I won't allow it.)"
The crowd shouted and clapped in a frenzy…
Holding up the piece of paper with his arm up in the air, he bowed his head humbly, softly.
Looking up once more, he stared right at me with a gentle smile.
Then, the lights went out.
**
Right after the concert, there was a conference for the press to ask Ryuichi questions. I stood at the side with Tsuki as Ryuichi nodded his head and smiled at the cameras.
After twenty minutes, Ryuichi asked, "Any last questions?"
"What do you plan to do on your one-year hiatus, Sakuma-san?" one reporter asked with a pencil and pad in his hands.
He glanced down as he smiled happily and then looked at everyone. With proudness, he pointed at Tsuki. "Uesugi Tatsuha and I are going to take a break because Tsuki Miyu right there carries the child I'm going to take care of for the rest of my life."
There was a 'wow' throughout the crowd and the reporters wanted more than ever to ask questions but Ryuichi bowed and said thank you.
"But we thought that you and-"
Ryuichi lifted up his hand and shook his head.
That night, Ryuichi and I went over to Tsuki's place to crash. The next day, we made plans for the baby as we sat around her dining room table over ice cream. I kept on taking Ryuichi's because it would make him too hyper.
"What are we going to name him?" Tsuki asked as she licked her spoon.
"It'll come in time," I answered as I took another lick from Ryuichi's spoon.
"First thing's first, where are we living?" Ryuichi asked as he took back the spoon and licked it again. "Here or LA?"
"I still want to go to LA for my schooling," Tsuki said as she sighed. She took a scoop from the ice cream container.
"But I have to live here at the temple," I sighed and took a big bite out of Ryuichi's spoon.
Kumogorou was getting dirty with the little splat of mint chocolate chip on his face.
I rubbed it away with my thumb.
"Okay, okay, so you're living here in Kyoto and Tsuki goes to LA." Ryuichi took another lick satisfied. "And I pay for everything."
Tsuki shook her head. "You can't do that! I can pay for it."
Ryuichi shook his head as he gave me the spoon and took a hold of Tsuki's hand. "You've helped us out a lot, Tsuki-chan."
Smiling he said, "And as repayment, you're covered for the rest of your life."
"You're kidding," Tsuki blinked her eyes as she said this. "Oooh! Thank you! But you know I can't do that."
She sighed as she cupped her hands over Ryuichi's. "I went to LA so that I could get away from this heiress thing. I'm the only daughter of this family, but my parents died so early that I've lived alone for several years now.
"I wanted to do things for myself, so that I could say 'I did it all by myself'. Thank you though, Ryuichi-san."
"If you need anything, just call us in Kyoto." Ryuichi said with a smile. "We'll be there in the next sixteen hours at your doorstop."
I looked at them. "So where does the baby live?"
"My job requires me to move from place to place." Tsuki frowned as she took a big bite of her ice cream.
"So, we can keep the baby here in Japan?" Ryuichi asked with a hopeful look. "Please?"
Tsuki shook her head as Ryuichi still held her hand. "I'll miss the baby…."
We sat there for a while in silent. With only the sounds of eating ice cream, we all looked at one another with sighs willingly given out.
In the end, we decided that we would have the baby here in Japan, but on every vacation, the child would go to Tsuki.
Tsuki rubbed her small belly while trying not to cry.
I knew she was sacrificing a lot because she had always wanted a child. That was one thing she always wanted most in the world.
Ryuichi grabbed onto her hand while I got up and hugged Tsuki from behind. Softly and sincerely, I thanked her, "Thank you so much…"
She shook her head and lightly patted me on the head. Being always the one to think of me first, she hit me on the head. "What did I tell you? Never look back."
I nodded and wistfully smiled. "Of course, of course."
I looked at both of them.
"So, is there anything else we have to talk about?" I asked as Tsuki fell back onto me warmly.
"We can't make anymore plans. They always change anyway." Ryuichi looked at us with a reassuring nod. "We'll just see what happens."
We all nodded to one another.
"That's very true…" Tsuki agreed.
I hugged her tighter knowing how much this whole incident hurt everyone…
And yet how much closer it made everyone…
All that mattered was that the baby would grow up where people loved him right?
I had prayed that my father would at least last until the baby was born, but it was never to be.
Days after the concert, we three visited my father for the last time.
As we climbed up the stairs, Aniki, Onee-san, and the rest of the game came to say their last goodbyes to my father. The doctor said that it was only a matter of days now and nothing they did could prevent it now.
Tsuki and Ryuichi patted my father's hand. My father, who could no longer talk, but was with an oxygen mask, managed to smile at them.
I turned around trying not to cry. It was because I knew. We all knew what he would have said by now and his smile explained it all.
They left the room and I was again alone in the room with my father. I stood next to him and held his hand.
"I understand now, Father," I explained while sighing and a burden within my heart. "I can't believe it always takes me so much longer to realize stuff."
I began to form tears in my eyes again, but I didn't shed a tear. "I always thought Aniki and Onee-san were so much smarter than me. That they could get things so much faster than 'little Tatsuha'.I thought that I had to find some way to be better than them so that you would be proud of me too. Onee-san always listened to you, but you never told Aniki that you were always proud of him too. But you told me and I had to make him see it though he never thought you would say such good things about him."
"But I thought that I was wrong and weird to fall in love with Ryuichi just because he was a man," I continued as I held his hand a little bit tighter. "I thought that you would push me away because I never seemed to follow what I should do, though I tried my best to. No matter what I did, there was always something that made me stand out, though quietly.
"But you know what I realized? You and I are the same in that sense, Father. You always told me, 'Always try to outdo yourself.' Short and simple. I never needed to fear about losing anything as long as I knew who I was.
"The only thing that ever mattered and that you were proud of was that I always tried my hardest to get what I wanted, without anyone's help. 'The day you stop trying is the day that I disown you, Tatsuha,' you told me when I was ten because I didn't get number one in that math competition. Only now…only now did I learn. That was my strength all along, Father."
With his hand, he gripped me weakly and I smiled. But as I let go and turned to walk out the door, I saw his eyes.
Father was waiting for someone other than me now…
As I closed the door behind me, I saw someone's footsteps. I bowed my head as he came towards me.
While he passed me, he stopped to pat my shoulder. With a tired look, but with the same determination as any Seguchi he said, "Do you think your father would mind if I could visit him now?"
That was when I patted his hand and I started to cry. This was the question Mr. Seguchi had always asked me all my life. And when I was little, I always shook my head to give an excuse. I couldn't understand why my father refused to see him when he was such a kind man to all of us.
Nodding, I finally replied, "Yes, I think he'd like that."
But he gave a smile as if he knew that I knew what had been left unspoken all these years…
My father died the next day.
He had waited for Shinya…
***
The funeral was a small one. Father always hated large gatherings, and I now I knew why.
Everyone paid their respects. And as expected, everyone thought I would be giving the eulogy. But I didn't.
Aniki did. Not because he was the writer, but because he was the one most like Father.
After two days, my sister, brother, Shuichi, Ryuichi, and I rummaged through everything in the house. (I had already sent home the maids and other servants with payment for their years of service. But, I gave Minoru what my father had specifically asked for: A driving escort service.)
Pretty much everything was kept in as it had always been, but I had personally asked to pack father's things. Everything in his room was kept in one part of the house.
Well, almost everything. We split the inheritance, only, I gave my share to the baby. The only thing that mattered to me was the tape and letter, for safe keeping. After all, it was addressed to me.
Touma couldn't make it those days because he was finishing up the case about Ryuichi's 'accident'. It turned out that it wasn't an accident at all. Kawai-san, whom I never liked anyway, wanted to win favor with my father instead incurred the wrath of Touma. And let's just say that this never went to court, but Touma dealt with this situation with as much personal attention as he could give it. * shiver *
Shortly, after the funeral and all the cleaning, Ryuichi, Tsuki, Shuichi, the group, and I went over to Los Angeles. Everyone took a short vacation there to escape the tumult of everything.
They helped us move most of Ryuichi's and Tsuki's things back to Japan. It wasn't much though. Ryuichi left everything in his home in LA except a bag of small things: Music sheets and notes. He didn't need anything else.
As for Tsuki, she brought what she thought she would need in Japan because she was going to live in Kyoto for a year.
When we left, Tsuki was given a home as a gift by Ryuichi, but it wouldn't be lived in until the next year when she would start school.
Everyone came back to Japan at the same time, but parted as soon as we all arrived in Tokyo. Ryuichi and I went home as Tsuki went to hers.
But before Ryuichi entered the house, I closed the door behind me.
"Hey, why did you do that?" he asked with confusion in his voice.
"I have properly greet you!" I shouted with a guilt so silly. "Just knock."
"Oh…okay…" He did as he was told.
Knock, knock.
I opened the door and smiled. "Welcome home, Ryuichi."
Nodding, he understood me without a word.
Glancing at the spot where I had thrown him, I looked back at Ryuichi and threw my arms around him. This time, he was the one to carry me as he closed the front gate behind us.
"Please…please give Tatsuha to me," he whispered to my ear lovingly.
I nodded as he carried me into the house. "Yes, he's yours now."
Many months later, Tsuki gave birth to a healthy baby boy with Ryuichi and I looking on to each side of her..
It was chaotic to say the least as he looked at everyone while everyone was trying to introduce themselves.
I kind of felt sorry for him, having to learn all our names.
All our names…
Names of people that had worked so hard to help him come into the world…
"So, what's his name?" everyone kept on asking, but Tsuki, Ryuichi, and I had no answer.
When everyone went away and Tsuki slept with Ryuichi next to her, I had somehow managed to keep the baby in my arms.
With a smile, I sat in the chair poking his nose. "I've waited a long time for you."
He crinkled his nose and gurgled at me happily and I laughed. "You're just like Ryuichi. So pokeable."
But as I looked into his features, he had my eyes with Tsuki's delightful smile. Just looking at him radiated his own charm. It wasn't because he was a baby, but because he had that certain attraction to him that was both unique to Ryuichi and Tsuki. I couldn't describe it though. I just knew they both had it and that's why I loved them so much.
At that moment, I said while looking at him looking up at me. "Your name is Riki Uesugi. Ri, the first and last letters of Ryuichi. Ki for the end of Tsuki."
I hope that I will be a good father to you as mine had been to me, Riki…
A few days later, I had to go back to school and as I passed by the kitchen holding Riki, I laughed as I found Ryuichi shouting at 7 am in the morning, "It's finished!"
"Finished the new song?" I asked as I walked towards the door.
Still holding Riki, I slipped my shoes on.
How do other people do this?!
I was only how old, but my life had changed so much in one year.
I kissed Riki as I handed him over to Ryuichi. Kissed Ryuichi quickly on the lips while placing the cloth on his shoulder so that he wouldn't get wet by Riki's drool.
"I have to do a presentation this morning!"
"Wait!" Ryuichi said as he handed over his blue mini-disc player and earphones to me. "You'll have to tell me how this is."
I nodded my head as I took it into my hands and put on the earphones while slipping the mini-disc into my pocket.
"Say goodbye to Tatsuha!" Ryuichi said as he lifted Riki's hand to say goodbye to me.
I waved and closed the front gate behind me.
While crossing the street, I took out the player and pressed play.
"But which track?" I fumbled with it. "Oh, there's only one this time."
I had done this many times for Ryuichi, but this was the first time that it felt different.
The beat was medium-paced. What I mean was that it wasn't too fast, but it wasn't too slow either. Just right…
It was different from any other song he had ever done, and that was just the intro.
But there was a synthesized violin that you could hear clearly that blended well with the music. It carried the tune that Ryuichi would sing along with.
Then, I heard his voice.
"Words are words
and they hurt you
(like love).
I put my faith in a single piece of paper.
Thinking of you,
'This is wrong, this is wrong'.
Wanting the white to bleed
As I did at that moment
You closed the door.
You cut me so deep,
I didn't want to be saved
From my sin
(looking at you against Fate's wishes).
I wanted to drown
Because I liked being suffocated.
Thinking, "Anything to get to you,
Anything to get to you."
When you're caught in between
Desire and Pain
Tell me where's the difference
If I experience both
At the same time.
Aching...Desire...
Sinking beyond what I want
I'd do anything for you.
I'd sell my soul
If I can keep you
All to myself.
(All to myself)
You tell me that love's a path
Where everyone treads,
But how come you can't tell me
The destination?
In my mind
I shattered into pieces
And bleed on your feet
While you walked all over my heart
With a smile.
Tell me baby, do you love me?
Tell me baby, do you want me?
Tell me lies
Tell me the truth,
I don't care
what you do
as long as you're mine.
Aching Desire.
I lust for your touch,
I sell you my soul.
We've made a fair trade.
Let me get deeper into you...
Do whatever you want to me,
I'll take anything...
Because I don't care
What hell you want to do
As long as you're mine.
When you're caught in between (Trapped)
Desire and Pain (I'm going to go insane)
Tell me where's the difference (I don't know anymore)
If I experience both (Ever since you walked through the door)
At the same time. (Waiting for you.)
Aching...Desire... (It's something I can't control)
Sinking beyond what I want (Let me drown within you)
I'd do anything for you. (Because I can't let go)
I'd sell my soul (To the devil himself)
If I can keep you (Locked forever with me)
All to myself. (I can't survive.)"
In English, he ended,
"Because if you breathe 'goodbye',
I'd rather take a lie.
Because wherever you are
That's where I want to be.
My fate has been sealed
In my lover's hands,
My aching desire."
The song faded. I sighed and then smiled while entering the gates of the university.
Ryuichi then said into the recording, "This was the real response to your letter years ago, Tatsuha. I didn't release it because of all the problems it would entail for you, me, and everyone around us.
"But I changed it somewhat. Still, I think it doesn't express everything I wanted to say. Didn't I tell you, Tatsuha? That story you told me, it'll never be our story.
"I won't ever allow it."
As I went into the classroom, I sang along with the track,
"My fate has been sealed
In my lover's hands,
My aching desire."
I figured out what was missing and told him later that night, after Tsuki called from LA to say her daily hi to Riki.
As Ryuichi held Riki in the den trying to put him to sleep, I wrapped my arms around his shoulders.
"Thank you for the song." Then, I whispered, "And, I know what's missing."
"I knew you would know," he said as he smiled.
"Whisper this at the end." Looking at the pond before us, I said,
"I'll defy Fate herself;
I don't care about destiny."
Owari.
--
Author's note: So, we're finally at the end. I still can't believe it took me 38 parts to get this all out. And I don't even want to go back and see how many pages the whole thing was with revisions, cuts and add-ins. I don't know if Touma's dad is still alive, but for artistic license, please just believe it for this fic.
What mattered most to me was that this was one of the fics that I thought, "Damn…if I make this sucky, everything's going to go along with it."
Everyone was so kind to me with this fic. Pointing out things I needed to improve, what needed to stay, and why they loved it so much.
'For as long as you could stay'...said with much endearment, trying so hard not to cut your heart off. This was my favorite line in the whole series.
I thought 'how much do I need to pay to get you back' was it, but no. When I wrote this line, I felt myself fall apart. I cried for a minute in silence not being able to convey this emotion successfully. Trying to show that it wasn't out of spite that he said it, it was because he always wanted to be with Tatsuha's father. He didn't think it would change, if not for the fact that Tatsuha's father needed to fulfill his obligation (whom he learned to love his wife, after all).
With this single line, I knew that this fic was worth making.
I made this fic the way it was and how long it was because I wanted to show how much Tatsuha and Ryuichi had to sacrifice for one another. There is no such thing as a perfect thing. And it seemed like Ryuichi and Tatsuha's love was 'perfect', but as you read along (and I wrote more), you could see that it wasn't. Tatsuha never felt he could never catch up to Ryuichi. Ryuichi thought that if he ever let Tatsuha go, he could never sing the same way again, so he would have to stop all together.
Some may say that some parts were unnecessary, but no, they were. These flashbacks showed what had gone on for the two years we don't read or know about. Ever.
I didn't understand at first why everyone was so excited for this fic. I thought, 'Maybe it's because there's not much out there with this pairing' or 'How can they stand something so long? Am I really doing a good job?' But then, Chapter 31 just did it for me. I was finally able to see what you saw...and I re-read all the other previous chapters.
Listen to 'Ordinary World' when you read Chapter 31, it's more powerful that way.
I didn't understand what Adri said when she said, 'That's what I like about you'. And now, I understand: I try to outdo myself. I don't challenge others; I just try to make myself a better person each day.
There were some reviews that said, 'Very realistic'.
I do agree. I made this because right now, I'm very skeptical of where I'm going. Stay in the States and go to grad school and follow my parents' instruction. Or do I go to Japan and teach there, with all the protests of my family? Obligation vs. Passion. I think that's what made these characters very real. Not to mention that this was a dominant theme in old Japanese texts ("Kokoro", for example – my favorite book).
I realized that even if I can't act, I am acting through my writing. I've to pretend I am Tatsuha for several months now. And going back through the chapters, I see how he has matured in the story as well as I have in writing and as a person.
Just like Deep Inside of You for X, I still can't believe this took me so many months to complete. Why? It was because I wanted to take my time to make everything count. Someone on the SeixSu ML recently said, "Love is not always good," or something like that. And that's very true. But neither is it something that is completely satisfying and completely bad or good.
I wanted to convey that through this fic. The more I wrote it, I realized that I wanted to tell a story that wasn't just a story. I don't know how to convey this. So, as a reader told me, "Your fics breathe." Now, I understand why people can see past all the mistakes I made. I don't care about giving my heart because my fic will have no soul without it.
Thank you to readers Adri, Teresa for always helping me, Melissa for telling me "I've read the prologue nine times" and so it got me to writing the rest of the fic, Madiha, Ruri-chan, Dyoklako, Lady Muraki, Yin, Winnie, Mie Ame, Daryl, Saku, Laura, Malina, Yuu, Kujakku, Lishy, Keeta maxwell, Emily, Psycho gurl, Ita-chan, Saffire, Starsweeper, Evangeline, Fei, Rinny, Yami no Tenshi, dJeu, Ayako, Mirai Shinranui, syn D, Keinami, Cafe Mocha, Shime, tearlesereph, whomever puts a blank ;_;, V-Amy, Topaz, Rika-chan, Emchan, Lilywind, Karen, Rosethorn, Sumari Mikhale, Talon no Hentai, MysticHakai, Kioku Mitsu, Kuma Kuma, Lia-chan, and all the lurkers whose names I wish I knew...Please know that each and every one of you is deep appreciated.
I would never finish this if it weren't for you. ^_^v
And all those who have read this fic and to those who are going to read it.
You can't imagine how much of a comfort it is to find that other people appreciate what you love to do. I just make fics to make a voice because I'm usually quiet. So, thank you and even if I'm bad with e-mails, I do read them. You can't ever imagine how much happiness fanfic-ing gives me and to make people cry or laugh or feel something really moves me.
Any feedback about anything would be greatly appreciated because onto the next fic with my self-challenge, "How can I make this better than the last?"
As long as you read, I will keep on writing. (And with all the fan service with it! ^_~ I'm a rabid fangirl too!)
In conclusion, this is dedicated to my lola who's birthday is today and my grandfather…may they rest in peace…
Merry Christmas and I love you for believing in me...
Love,
Yui miyamoto
12/26/02
Translations:
"Darenimo kowasenai
Donna kami ni mo sumuitemo ii
Inochi nado, nakushitemo,
Anata dake ireba ii…"
No one can break
Whatever god wants to block us, it's all right
Life, etc., whatever lost,
If I only have you, it's all right.
Surechigau – pass one another
Sumimasen – sorry, form of apology or 'excuse me'.