Harry sat at his desk in his small, but very comfortable room right underneath the roof in his new home. He was looking at the old pictures of his parents that Hagrid had given him all these years ago.

He used to look at them every night before he went to sleep, but lately he just didn't have the time to do it. All that had been going on with Voldemord and the horcrux-hunt had just been too much.

But he shouldn't be thinking about the past months again.

It was a warm summer night and he should be happier than… than in a very long time. They had given Grimmauldplace 12 to Severus and Draco, who had been looking for a place, because neither Remus nor Sirius had wanted to stay there any longer than absolutely necessary.

The small house was just outside London and Harry loved the space around him, the big garden, and the little shed, where they kept all the Quidditch equipment. He also loved that the house was always full of laughter even after all that had happened.

And still – he felt quite lonely after all. Ron and Hermione, who shared a bedroom right underneath his own, tried to show him that he was always welcome, but it still felt awkward to knock on their door late at night when he couldn't sleep because of another nightmare.

And even if Remus and Sirius never told him that they were a couple, Harry was not blind. He saw the way they looked at each other during supper, the way they talked, the way the pure love shine in Sirius eyes every time when Remus came home from the office.

And even though he knew that they all deserved it, especially Remus, Remus who had been feeling more pain than any of the others and still was one of the kindest, most loving people he had ever met… if he was being honest to himself, he had to admit that he was jealous.

He sighed and looked back down on a picture Remus had given him last night. Sirius and his dad smiled and waved up at him, their dark hair shining in the sun. How had his dad managed – if Remus and Sirius even were that close as they were now, when they were still at Hogwarts? What had he been doing during their free time?

But then again there was still Peter… Peter who would be selling one of his best friends to Voldemord just a couple of years later. He shook his head at his thoughts. He so wasn't going to think about this again.

He got up from his wooden desk and looked out of the window to watch the sun setting behind the hill behind the house. Then he turned around to climb down the wooden stairs and prepare dinner for tonight.

After another weekend of nearly depressing thoughts of Ginny, he had bought a lot of vegetables and meat to take a lot of time cooking. Cooking had become his cure. Of course Remus had told him many times, that he didn't have to cook every night, but concentrating on something normal, something he had done every single summer since he was eleven, let him forget his dark thoughts. He loved the calm feeling that filled his stomach as soon as he started cleaning the vegetables for tonight's meal.

Two hours later, he heard Remus come in the front door and cursed under his breath. He hated not having dinner ready when the hardworking man came home – not that Remus had ever complained. He usually went up to see Sirius for a bit anyhow, but Harry still guessed how hungry the man must be.

He glanced up surprised when Remus entered the kitchen quietly.

"I'm sorry Remus, but dinner won't be ready until in another 5 or 10 minutes…" he said hastily without turning around and started to cut the rosemary as quick as he could.

"Don't worry about it, Harry. I'm not that hungry anyway. Take your time." Remus smiled at him and leaned against the kitchen counter.

Harry was in such a rush that he cut deep in his hand. He cursed silently, waved his wand to quickly remove the blood from the herbs and added them to the meat in the pan.

"For god's sake, Harry!" Remus called and Harry heard the panic in his voice. The werewolf took Harry's hand into his and healed it with a quick wave of his wand. Harry waited for the older man to let go, but Moony held on.

"Be careful." His voice sounded soft and worried. Harry turned around and rang the big bell that would tell everyone that dinner was ready. Hiding his shaking hands he started to set the table when Sirius, Ron and Hermione came in.

"That smells delicious, Harry!" Hermione smiled at him, while they all sat down.

While eating everyone went quiet. Even though Harry had looked forward to eating this dinner for days, now he didn't feel very hungry. He felt Remus careful looks between every bite and it made him feel sick. He was glad when everybody was done eating and he could get up to get the chocolate fudge out of the fridge.

"Merlin, Harry, when did you make that? I was in the kitchen all day."

Harry looked sourly at Sirius. What was he supposed to answer now? Since he didn't really come up with any excuses and everybody was looking at him expectantly he decided that he just had to go with the truth for now.

"Last night." He murmured.

"What was that? I didn't catch it."

"Last night," he said, louder this time. They were quiet again, this time the silence was slightly awkward, which was very unusual with Ron and Hermione around, especially when they were not constantly fighting, like they did during school.

Slowly they started to eat again. Harry pretended to ignore the worried looks the others exchanged. He didn't want them to worry about him, but what in hell what he supposed to do?

When they finished eating and cleaning up Harry was more than glad that he could escape from the kitchen.

He had just lay down on his bed and buried his face in the huge pile of pillows he used when he heard a knock on his door. He knew right away that it was Remus, because the gentle careful knock indicated that it could only be his calm former professor.

He wanted to say no, but he knew he wouldn't be able to hide from him for a long time anyhow. He wiped the upcoming tears away with the back of his hand, pushed himself up and waited for Remus to come in.

When he did, he slowly walked over towards the bed and sat next to him.

"Harry, are you alright? Do you want to talk about… you know…" he made a wave with his hand and looked softly at him.

Harry didn't dare to look at him – after all he couldn't tell Remus that he was jealous… he couldn't tell him that he saw him – Remus – die every night and that he had to use silencing charms in order to not wake them up every time. He couldn't tell him, that it was all his – Harry's – fault. The longer he thought about it, the weaker he got and after a few minutes of silence he couldn't stop himself from shaking.

He felt Remus reassuring arms around him, holding him, telling him that it was okay, that he didn't need to be ashamed, that he was strong, that of course nothing would be easy, after all he, they, had been through.

Remus lifted Harry's chin with his fingers to look into those emerald green eyes, and wasn't surprised to see silent tears roll down his cheeks.

Comforting, he held on to Harry, until there were no tears left.

"Harry, you are not alone. I see you, and I am here anytime, alright? No matter what anyone says… you are not weak, or bad. You are very special and you don't deserve the pain you suffer." He looked at Harry with those kind amber eyes and Harry started to relax. That was just what he needed. He leaned against Remus strong chest and felt his lips on his forehead.

Harry hadn't realized how much time had passed just sitting on the bed, being held. Now Remus had put him into bed and promised to stay there until Harry would fall asleep. Somehow Harry trusted that man and he did not know why.

With that thought he drifted off to a much calmer, deeper sleep than he had in weeks.