I'm still alive, guys. I'm really sorry for leaving this story for more than a year when I had most of the chapter done. Being an international college student is no pushover, and I really needed to focus most of my attention on my schoolwork. But I have managed to develop a work routine that will enable me to hopefully write more in the future. Rest be assured that the chapter is already more than half-written, and I hope to get it out sometime soon. Until then, thank you for your patience and enjoy this long overdue chapter!

In the Previous Chapter: When Starscream finally visits Megatron after his uncontrollable fit of anger, he did not expect to hear the other express some of his most guarded thoughts.

Megatron stared at the ceiling of his quarters, following the criss-crossing patterns of it.

It wasn't the most productive thing he could right now, but he couldn't bring himself to do anything else. Tinkering with his latest project on the console was out of the question, and the notion of reading a datapad made his helm ache.

He remembered what had happened the last solar cycle rather well. Megatron immediately started to strategize after hearing Starscream's report about Project Omega. He was appalled to find his fears confirmed and that the Decepticons now had a super weapon to worry about along with the space bridges. Just as Megatron was starting to plan a way to best counter this new crisis, he was suddenly struck with a fit of dizziness and knew nothing after that.

The next thing the warlord became aware of was lying in his berth with Starscream sitting by his side. He had assumed it was a dream, for his processor was heavy with sleep back then and he remembered its events hazily. It had to be a dream, because Starscream would never come to see him voluntarily, not after Megatron tried to strangle him.

Not after his second had avoided him for so many solar cycles.

His first impulse was to apologize to this apparition of the Seeker even with the heaviness of recharge hanging over him. He wanted to do so for so long, and now it no longer mattered whether the whole thing was real or not. When Starscream had remained silent, Megatron suddenly found himself pouring forth his thoughts and words he always wished to let go of. His confusion in how Starscream became much more than an interfacing interest, his longing for something more with his second and some of his personal fears.

It had to be a dream, because Starscream laid his hand on Megatron's and promised he would stay when he asked him to. Then the Seeker's gentle touch had been the last thing he felt before the dream ended.

But later on Megatron awoke in the middle of his recharge cycle, which, interestingly enough, had been absent of his usual nightmares. At first he lay in silence trying to recall that pleasant dream, which was strangely easy to do. The warlord was just about to run the events through his mind when he felt something in his right palm.

It was Starscream's hand clasped tightly in his. The Seeker had fallen asleep in his chair, his frame slightly bent over as he recharged quietly.

Megatron was almost sure it was another dream again until he realized how real Starscream's hand felt again his much larger one. He squeezed it experimentally, and it was only when the Seeker made a muffled sound in response that he started to believe this was more than a dream. When Starscream's palm had rested against Megatron's cheek before he left, he became certain that what happened the solar cycle before was real.

An uncharacteristic dread then seized him for a long cycle before he could start to comprehend what the other's actions meant to him. What exactly had Megatron disclosed in his half-awake state? How much had Starscream learned of his most personal thoughts concerning his second and of his own turmoiled emotions? The warlord almost feared to think about what this revelation would have done to the other. It had been a miracle that Starscream had bothered to visit him, and he highly suspected that whatever he said during his sedated state must have driven the Seeker into more confusion. Starscream should have kept a safe distance for a long time, not persuaded to continue this façade of relationship because of them.

Nevertheless, Megatron allowed a twinge of longing to break through. He never imagined his second would act so compassionate towards him from all the times they interacted. He was fine with his sharp sarcasm, quick wit, occasionally emotional outbursts and the many occasions he clashed with his leader. In fact, the warlord even enjoyed these challenges Starscream presented to him. But he never thought the Seeker also had another side to him, one Megatron found that he regretted not finding out sooner.

How could Starscream remain so favorable towards him after he tried to offline him in his blind rage? Megatron didn't deserve it at all! He knew his second was most likely to stay away from him for the rest of his life or if Primus was merciful, a few million stellar cycles. Thus the warlord was amazed that Starscream would return so soon as if nothing had happened.

He was becoming more than a second-in-command, Megatron realized. Starscream now seemed to affect his thinking and decision-making more than a mere subordinate. No matter how he tried to defend this as the determination get the Seeker into his berth or the reluctance to lose such a capable worker, he still couldn't deny the fact that he wanted more with Starscream. Megatron wanted him to be at his side in everything he did, someone close to him, and he had no idea why.

Megatron was still musing when a knock sounded on the door. He gave the silent command for it to open, and Starscream stepped in with an energon cube in one hand. The warlord had been expecting his second to come back once again, but actually seeing him do so was yet another surprise.

"Hook prescribed this medical energon designed to give a mech more sustenance then an ordinary one." The Seeker said briefly as he placed the cube on the small table beside the berth.

"Thank you." Megatron retrieved it and took a sip, grimacing at the bitter taste it left. Starscream remained stoically silent as he waited for him to finish, but the warlord could tell that he was struggling to contain a torrent of words from the way the Seeker's optics tracked his every movement.

Megatron sighed inwardly. He knew his second was going to confront him over everything he had said last solar cycle eventually.

But Starscream didn't speak until the warlord had consumed the entire cube. When he finally did, it was with a tense hushed question that dove right into the heart of the matter.

"What are you doing to yourself?"

"What do you mean by that?" Megatron met the other's optics evenly. However his spark clenched in anxiety when he realized he may have to attempt to explain everything.

"Don't play dumb with me, Megatron. You literally collapsed from nothing more than overthinking! The officers may not know what was going through your processor, but I do. And I know that you should not have devoted so much of your thoughts towards these matters in the middle of a losing war!"

Now that was an unwelcome surprise. The warlord hadn't expected Starscream to go ahead and accuse him of his obvious failure in leadership.

"Do not presume to know my thoughts completely, Starscream," Megatron instinctively deflected, "The burdens of my leadership cannot be understood any mech who has not borne it—"

"You were begging to see me after your collapse!" Starscream's challenging front dropped as he turned away, "You wanted my forgiveness so badly after that incident in the command center that you could not recharge properly even after taking a sedative, and you dare to tell me that I don't know what's going on?"

"I…" Megatron couldn't find a rebuttal to that, or to anything the other said. He knew his second was right, because he knew he had disclosed almost everything during his half asleep state.

"You told me that you wanted it all to end," Starscream whispered, still avoiding optic contact, "That I already mean too much to you. Are you going to say that you meant none of that, and that they were only meaningless dream talk?"

"Do you want me to?" The warlord returned simply enough, but inwardly he was trying to suppress his growing horror. Exactly how much of his most private thoughts had he disclosed to his second? It had been a miracle for Starscream to overcome his fear after what had happened and visit, but to be also thrown in confusion regarding whatever excuse of a relationship they had between them…

The self-condemnation that had been plaguing him suddenly returned in full force.

"No, please disregard what I just said," He cut off Starscream as he was about to speak, "None of my words from the last solar cycle should mean anything. I have no right to speak them after what I did to you."

Instead of falling silent, Starscream suddenly shot him a severe look so sharp that it quashed any notion of arguing. He knew he had probably misinterpreted his second's motives yet again.

"How long will you continue to wallow in your self-blame?! Was not my visit enough to convince you that I have already forgiven you and dismissed what happened back then as a psychotic anger episode you had no control over?! Fine, you can choose to say that I am an apparent idiot for not leaving you alone by now, but that doesn't change the fact that you, as leader of all Decepticons, are one of the most pessimistic mechs I've ever met."

"Starscream—" Megatron should have known better than to interrupt once the Seeker went into rant mode.

"First you attempt to shut yourself out, then you start showing signs of post traumatic stress and I do know what they look like, so don't try to say I don't. And you particularly lost control over your own mind to go as far to attack your own officers, collapsed from overstressed systems and now proceed to blame yourself for everything…"

With that other's voice trailed away as he broke optic contact.

"Why did you never tell me about any of this?" Starscream sounded so grief-stricken that Megatron had to almost physically restrain himself from reaching out to the other, "Did you think I would have cut you off from my life permanently, though I could not do so since I am your second-in-command? Is that how you've always thought of me?"

No, why would you think that? Megatron wanted to deflect. There was no one he trusted more than his second, but that age-old fear of weakness continued to hold him fast, as well as the dread of opening himself up to others. Part of him wanted nothing more than to tell his second everything, to confirm that everything he spoke in his delirious state was indeed true. In the end, however, the warlord failed to express his true thoughts, as usual.

"This has nothing to do with you, Starscream, or even with the rest of the faction. My issues are my own to struggle with; there was no need to get anyone involved. There was nothing you could have done to change anything even if I told you." The warlord said heavily.

"You already got everyone involved when you lost control, but you could have saved yourself a heap-load of trouble had you told me what you were struggling with. I would have supported you more—"

"I don't want your pity," Megatron forcibly shoved back the immediate shocked realization that Starscream had willingly offered undeserved help, "Save it for someone who actually needs it."

"Oh you are just hopeless, Megatron!" Starscream flung back at him, "You think you're shutting yourself away because you want to give the impression that you're strong, but you are doing the exact opposite! Do you think that suppressing all of… that is helping the faction?! You wouldn't have downright destroyed the Decepticons' morale had you let your officers know that you were struggling with the first place. With the loyalty everyone has for you, they would have understood and served under you nevertheless!"

He could tell that the other was blatantly overstepping the boundaries of a superior and his second officer and that his words, no matter how true they were, showed have earned reprisal. But Megatron couldn't bring himself to shut the other down. Not when he knew that what Starscream said was mostly true.

He was trying to stay strong by shutting himself away. Because he thought it was the best way, for both everyone else and himself.

The fact that it had the opposite effect was a terrifying thought.

"It's not that simple," The warlord tried one last time to defend his failing argument, "Not mentioning that I refuse to make others bear the burden that should be my own. I lost control because of my own weakness, and the best I could do right now is to prevent it from happening again."

Correction: It cannot happen again. His spark twisted on itself as he remembered the moment when he woke briefly from the haze of anger to see the hurt on Starscream's faceplates and the choke marks on his neck. He would do anything that is necessary to ensure that such an expression would never appear on the Seeker again.

Even… if it meant letting Starscream go.

By now his second was in the middle of another rant about thick bolted stubbornness and his leader's illogical reasoning and his own outrage about the whole matter. But Megatron had already tuned out as he pondered his choices. He knew clearly if he stopped this attachment to the other he would be free of this agonizing struggle. If only letting go of his feelings were as simple as deleting a line of code.

"—and save yourself this suffering if you would only open up! What do you have to say for yourself?!" Starscream finally broke off his tirade to address his leader directly.

Nothing, Megatron knew. But he hid his true words once more.

"Only that I shouldn't have allowed this to continue," He sighed deeply, "I would prefer that you remained as my second, nothing more."

I want you by my side. Though I fear what may happen to me as this attachment grows, I cannot deny this want. I want to see more of what could happen between us. Because you intrigue me more than anything.

Starscream became silent upon hearing this and turned his helm away. One of his hands gripped the seat of his chair tightly until it creaked.

"So you don't remember anything you said to me last night."

Megatron truly didn't, "Only somewhat vaguely."

"You told me that I mean too much to you, that you wanted me and that you wanted all the confusion to end! I don't see a word in there that implies you want to place distance between us!"

I don't.

But this time Megatron could no longer find words that could hide his true ones.

Because this time, his spark demanded them to be spoken as he regarded his second-in-command, the one mech who had somehow brought him so much contentment and torment at the same time and forced him to question what he truly wanted.

"You wouldn't know that for sure, Starscream." He challenged the other one last time.

"I think I do."

Megatron gave a resigned sigh, "At this rate you're going to know me better than I know myself."

With that, he lowered his defenses so that a tiny bit of his true words trickled through.

"And interestingly enough, I don't mind."

The Seeker's optics widened, and for a few cycles he stayed that way. He could literally see Starscream's turmoil in his mind as he probably struggled to make sense of all this. Megatron waited almost fearfully for the other's possible negative reaction. However, Starscream's expression turned soft.

"I see."

With that short response the Seeker reached for the empty cube. Megatron let him do so, but was surprised when Starscream laid his hand on his for a few nanokliks before taking the container away.

"You could not have been more vague, you scrapheap. Are you going to give me an honest reply or not?"

Megatron made his point clear when he caught the other's retreating hand and held it tightly. There was a brief flash of understanding in Starscream's optics. No more words were needed.

Starscream then gently withdrew his hand and turned to leave, though not before turning around for a last lingering glance. His look was uncertain, accompanied by a longing sort of wistfulness. But it was the hint of simple tenderness that Megatron spent the rest of the solar cycle pondering over.

The next few solar cycles were a torment for Megatron, not because he was puzzling over Starscream in thought, but because he was bored to tears. Hook had reminded him again severely that going into battle was out of the question unless he was stable enough to take it up again. The warlord was fine with that as long as he was able to continue to plan and strategize, until he lost consciousness again while going over the army's supply reports. Hook promptly sentenced him to the berth afterwards and suggested that he allow another to take over his duties for now.

The logical course of action was to contact Starscream and offer him temporary leadership… along with full responsibility for a war and a strategy team of mechs who disliked him. Megatron didn't doubt his ability to lead; in fact, he had been looking for an opportunity to observe the way his second took command and offer some pointers. In the middle of war, he had to prepare a successor at almost all times.

However, such a thought took a different turn this time. Megatron found that he would prefer very much to not have a successor, not Starscream, that is. He didn't want to be offlined, forever barred from ever seeing the Seeker again. If Starscream took up the Decepticon leadership no matter the reason and the warlord's fate, they could no longer interact as they were now.

This was a revelation that had Megatron struggling to reconcile it with his new understanding of Starscream. It would have become unbearable if not for the gradual silencing of the voices of his past. He began to recharge more peacefully as well, sometimes completely without a glimpse of his memories. Even those that appeared were just harmless scenes of mundane conversations.

Unhindered by his own problems, Megatron began to put more spark into the times when Starscream came to visit. As a result, he noticed things he didn't before, namely the change in his second's behavior and words.

Starscream came at least three times a solar cycle to deliver energon, give a report on the army's movements and ask about his recovery before they began to spiral off into a range of other topics.

He spoke much about his previous scientific work and the off-planet expeditions he embarked on. Having never really tried to explore the other colonies, Megatron often found himself entranced by the narratives and descriptions of foreign worlds and their inhabitants. In addition, he was fascinated by Starscream's sheer enthusiasm, a side he had never seen before. Though the Seeker remained sarcastic and sharp spoken, often expressing his disdain about how these off-world governments could be more effective if they did this and that, his fondness for exploring and learning about new cultures was evident.

Megatron found that Starscream was becoming progressively comfortable around him. He often sat close enough so that his wingtip brushed against Megatron's shoulder. There were also times when he laid a hand on the warlord's shoulder, smacked his arm and emphasized his words with acts that involved touching his frame. The Seeker always withdrew hastily when he realized this, but he hadn't flown into a rage over any kind of contact as he had done previously.

Starscream had come to some sort of understanding, of the good kind.

The warlord was right. Starscream had softened significantly towards his leader since their last conversation. He was mostly convinced that Megatron was sincere and his motives upright. The Seeker still found it hard to believe that his leader wanted him for something other than interfacing. But Megatron had all but implied a relationship, and Starscream found himself wishing this to happen.

He became rather self-conscious because of this, discovering that he became easily flustered at the smallest things. The warlord can be so sweet sometimes without meaning to. Starscream often had to resort to scathing commenting when Megatron asked how his day went with that endearing concern he had because his spark always warmed pleasantly with a sensation that weakened his knees. Upon realizing that he was sometimes sitting close enough to his leader to accidentally bump his wings against him, Starscream turned his helm away so that no one could see his embarrassed expression. When had he ever felt his faceplates heat up whenever they engaged in however small the bodily contact? What was so different now?

Because Megatron had tried to communicate, despite not being accustomed to it.

The fact that the other tried affected Starscream more than he would admit. If Megatron hadn't bothered to explain things, Starscream would have remained in misunderstanding forever. After his leader had attempted to explain everything, there was no reason really for Starscream to continue to treat the other with utter rejection.

Starscream was currently in his leader's quarters again, watching the larger mech recharge in silence. He had come with his usual energon cubes, but had found Megatron recharging upon arriving. At first he wanted to leave the fuel there and leave, but there was a part of him that wished to sit down and accompany the other for a short while. Call it foolish sentimentality or just a silly waste of time, but the Seeker wanted nothing more than to simply sit there and reflect on his thoughts towards Megatron.

"You are a waste of my time, you insufferable pervert," Starscream muttered crossly, nudging his leader's pede with his own.

Maybe he should take that last remark back, since it had been so long since Megatron attempted to grope the Seeker inappropriately. He was fairly sure that if the warlord had behaved that way towards another, most mechs would have been repulsed. But strip that behavior away and his leader became so much more approachable. In fact, Starscream wouldn't have minded if Megatron had courted him in his current state.

Oh, stop being sappy, the Seeker scolded himself. Why the heck should he decide to give himself to another, especially when the warlord had attempted to choke him offline?

Still, he couldn't harden his spark completely. Why did he continue to visit this mech every solar cycle when he knew he was fine? Or when he knew that Megatron had a dangerous tendency to lose control and attack those around him? Whether he liked it or not, Starscream cannot deny that he anticipated those visits. There was a part of him always nagged at him about his leader's condition to the point that he felt he had failed to do something important if he didn't go.

Megatron suddenly stirred in his recharge cycle and onlined his optics abruptly. They glowed a soft hazy crimson in the dim light, which brightened considerably upon seeing the Seeker sitting by his side. However, the warlord didn't speak straight away as he maneuvered himself to sit upright on the edge of the berth and retrieved the energon cube on the berthside table. For a long while he sipped at his cube silently, but his gaze never left his second. Starscream resisted the temptation to fidget under this careful scrutiny until he realized that the other's faceplates held a fond expression instead of a serious one.

Slag it all. One look was all it took to melt his spark and weaken his limbs again. What was wrong with him?!

Starscream tried to recover himself by reaching for the other's now empty cube, but Megatron grasped him by the extended hand and pulled him into his lap. At the unexpected display of affection, his faceplates heated up so much that he was sure that it nearly matched his fuchsia plating. No, he didn't want this kind of intimate contact especially in the privacy of his leader's quarters. This was strictly a visit in which he brought Megatron fuel and kept him company.

But why did it feel so right to lean against the larger mech and feel his firm solid frame against his?

"Stop… this is not dignified." The Seeker managed to say breathlessly.

Megatron didn't respond. Instead he leant to nuzzle the back of Starscream's neck gently as he moved his arms to wrap around his slim frame. At this all thoughts of resistance immediately crumbled to nothing. Starscream finally yielded for once and relaxed with a small sigh. He had to admit that the large mech felt good to lean against, for his solid frame was surprisingly warm.

How was Megatron always able to win him over this easily? The time when tried to choke him in the command center now seemed so unreal. There was only his leader's frame against his, and the steady pulse of his spark as Starscream leant his helm against Megatron's chestplates.

"Who's the affectionate one now?" Megatron chided.

"Stop trying to contradict me," The Seeker muttered, "It's not my fault that you serve particularly well as a berth pillow."

Megatron's responding chuckle was amused as he brushed his lips against Starscream's helm in a light kiss, causing the other to shudder. Starscream can't describe the emotion that assaulted him then, but he knew he wanted this forever. He may never know why Megatron had suddenly changed his intentions towards him, but he wanted this relationship. Starscream wanted his leader's attention and concern, with no more misunderstandings and ambiguity between them.

The other's grip suddenly tightened around him.

"What?" Starscream did not really appreciate being squeezed like a berth pillow.

"It will be nice to keep you here like this."

There was something both humorous and serious meant by Megatron's words. The Seeker scowled as he realized that the other was hiding something again.

"What do you mean by that?"

"Hook told me this solar cycle that my condition is not fit for leading the Decepticons in battle," Megatron said, "It means that… you have to take over until I recover."

That effectively snapped Starscream out of his frustration, "Wait, what?"

"You are going to lead the faction temporarily, Starscream."

Lead the Decepticons? Have the fates of thousands of mechs laid on his shoulders? Being half-responsible for an ongoing war? The Seeker wasn't prepared to have this suddenly dropped on him while he was particularly snuggling against the other. He twisted out of Megatron's arms to stare at him in shock.

"Are you kidding me? Obviously you're doing fine enough to invade on my private space like this, and you get confined to berth? You can still strategize, you know, and I will be more than willing to appear in your place out in the battlefield. But complete leadership? I don't think that's necessary."

Megatron raised his helm to look at him directly in the optic, his expression serious for once, "As my second-in-command, you are expected to take command whenever I am unable to. Call it a test if you would. One of these days I have to know if you are ready to lead the Decepticons. We must prepare for the possibility of your future leadership if something should happen to me in battle."

The Seeker's first reaction was disbelief. Megatron wanted him to take command? But he could barely get the Decepticons to listen to him as second-in-command, let alone as leader. Could he strategize and lead well enough on his own? Could he deal with the offlinings that he could have prevented and live with the fact that he was responsible for those lost lives?

He met the other's look with some difficulty, and was surprised to sense that there was something the warlord wasn't telling him, again. Megatron seemed to be struggling with an unsaid thought that he was unwilling to share.

"Ha! You're too stubborn and thick-bolted to offline that easily." Starscream tried to dismiss the tension.

"If only. It will be better if I didn't. I… would rather not leave the realm of the living, not while you're still here. Who else will provide a never-ending supply of sarcasm?"

Again, there was a second meaning to those words. Starscream was getting better at picking them up, and he barely suppressed the shudder upon realizing that Megatron had the equal risk of offlining in battle like any other mech. It wouldn't be just the death of the leader of the Decepticons but the entire cause. Although there were many who were genuinely loyal to the warlord and the faction, there were also a great number of rogues and criminals who joined because they wanted to be sprung out of their low statuses. There was a large chance that the Decepticons would fall apart without a strong leader. The war will be lost, and...

He could never see Megatron again.

"Don't think too much. I am simply pointing out the facts." Megatron's light admonishment brought him out of his brooding.

Not just the facts, Starscream wanted to say. The insufferable scrapheap had much more going on in his processor than a simple request to take leadership.

Megatron suddenly pulled him close against his frame once more, with his warm palm stroking the back of Starscream's helm.

"Facts… it's just facts. A leader must always choose a successor, although I wish… I wish…"

His voice turned wistful as he slumped against the Seeker.

"I wish that with you I could make an exception."

Oh.

So that was what was bothering him.

Starscream cannot say that he completely understood what that statement meant, but he had an idea now. And this time his leader had tried to make his thoughts clear without forceful encouragement his part. It was an improvement that hopefully signified a turning point in their relationship, and showed that they could stop hiding behind double meanings any longer.

Thank you for reading!