Title: As We Said Our Goodbyes

Chapter Title: How'd I Let You slip Away?

Spoilers: None

Warnings: Major character death, major angst, language, slash (Destiel)

Author's Note: I hate myself for this one. I was watching Rent and Angel's death is what made me think of this. I'm a very cruel person, I know. I cried writing this. If you read it despite knowing that, I would love to see some reviews.

Dean Winchester didn't know about Castiel's sickness until after they were married. When he first found out, he was furious. Crying and yelling and screaming for hours about why the man didn't tell him when they first got together, before they married. It took him leaving and almost home driving drunk, and lots and los of sobbing, for him to realize he would've married Cas anyway. Cas was his world. He would do anything for him, do anything to be with him.

At first Dean didn't notice any change in his other half. He was always smiling, always strong. They managed to find a surrogate for the family they wished to start the second Dean first asked Cas to be his boyfriend. A little girl was born. All Cas. Cassandra Deana Winchester. Loved deeply by both of her fathers.

But it wasn't until Cassandra was three, their fifth year of marriage, did Dean notice the changes. The shaking in his hands, the hollowness of his cheeks, the bags under his eyes. Dean wanted to ask, but Cas never said anything was wrong unless it was very important. It was when Dean got a call that Cas had collapsed at work—in the middle of the courtroom no less—did he realize what, exactly, his sickness entailed. The doctor explained it all to him.

It was eating away at his body. There shouldn't be a way he should still be alive much less walking and talking without being in pain every second of the day. There wasn't an organ that wasn't infected except for his heart, but it was heading that way very quickly. Dean was so numb he couldn't even cry. He went into the room and held his husband's hand. Cassandra crawled up on the bed with her daddy and cried and cuddled him until he woke up.

Of course all he did is smile and held his family close. He whispered how sorry he was, how he knew for awhile how bad it was, but he didn't want them to worry. He knew how much they loved him. He hoped they knew how much he loved them. He spent so many amazing years with Dean and would always, always love him. Would always be with him.

The coma came quickly. His skin turned yellow and he only opened his eyes when Dean said, "I love you" or Cassandra said, "Daddy back." And it was only for a second.

One very early morning, around 4:34am—Dean would never forget that time—Cassandra was curled up in a chair sleeping. Her little body was exhausted from the stress and crying all the time. Dean crawled into bed with his husband, the love of his life. He cried into his shoulder, held his small, frail body close. "God I love you so fucking much," he whimpered. He sniffed and blinked at the water that was blinding him. "I can't believe you're leaving me. You told me on our wedding day that you would be mine forever. Remember?" He looked over his still face. He was in so much pain, Dean could see that. It was his job to let him go. He let out a harsh sob and held him closer. "You shouldn't have promised me that, Castiel. You knew this thing was gonna eat you alive and I'd lose you one day. You shouldn't have given me and Cassandra hope that we'd have you forever. B-but we were lucky to have you for five years, weren't we? There's nobody in this world that could ever take your place. No matter what you say. You're ours, Cas. And we're yours." He took a shaky breath and tried to be strong for his husband like the man had been for them. He leaned closer, his lips pressed to Cas's ear. "Please remember that," he whispered. "Remember that. God I don't wanna do that. I want you do wake up and be all better. B-but we both know that won't happen." His breath hitched. "It's okay, Cas. I-it's okay to go. We'll be okay. We'll miss you like fucking crazy, but...we'll be okay. We love you. We don't want you to be in pain anymore. It's okay." He soothed a couple fingers down the porcelain face.

And then the man surprised Dean by opening his eyes. That beautiful smile of his took over his face and his eyes held a light that they never lost. Not even at the worst. It was always there, twinkling and capturing Dean's heart like it had the moment they first met. "Thank...you..." He put a trembling, weak hand on Dean's as it cupped his face. And then those eyes closed again. "...love...you..." One last sigh.

Castiel Winchester was gone.

Dean couldn't breathe. He couldn't lift himself to call for the nurse. He wished he had woken Cassandra so she could say something to her father. Dean would always be her father, he knew that, but Cas was her blood. She would always be a part of him.

"Goodbye, love," Dean whispered.

They buried him two days later on August Twenty-Third. Cas had died the day after his birthday. Dean held his weeping daughter close. She was too young to know about death. But she did. She knew her daddy was gone and never coming back.

Dean's brother, Sam, and his wife, Jess, took Cassandra with him after the service. Dean wanted to be alone. He had a single rose in his hand and he walked up to the casket that would be lowered after he left. Which was better because he couldn't handle watching the box carrying the love of his life be put in the ground. He walked up to it and set the rose down. He settled his hand on top and bowed his head, his throat sore and his voice gone. Too much crying, too much yelling at the sky to bring him back. Dean was the weak one. He couldn't handle being there without Castiel. Of course nobody answered and he was left alone.

"It's me, love," he whispered brokenly. "I guess I hafta let you go now. I know what I said in the hospital and I promise you that I was honest, but it's so hard. It's only been two days, baby, and already I'm dying inside. God, how'd I let you slip away? I want to come with you...but I know I can't leave Cassandra by herself. She needs me. I'll take care of her and raise her. I'll make sure she knows her daddy." His fingers flexed on the wood. It started to rain. "I'll never forget you. How could I. I will never love another being ever again as much as I love you. I'll never fall in love again. You're my one and only. Please just...wait for me up there? I'll be with you as soon as I can. I know you're alone up there right now, but stay warm and try to be happy. For me. And I'll be up there before you know it." He shakily leaned down and pressed his lips to the top of the casket. "Goodbye, sweetheart. I love you."

As Dean turned around, he was startled to see a break in the clouds. One little ray of sunlight shining right on his face. He couldn't help the smile, the little laugh that escaped him. Warmness surrounded him and he could almost feel his love wrapping his arms around him, smiling up at him with that perfect little grin and telling him to stop being silly, he had to leave and go to Cassandra. He nodded and kissed his fingers reaching them for the sky. The sun beam hit his hand and then disappeared again. "Thank you, Cas," he whispered.

He knew then his husband was alright. He took a deep, steading breath. A strong breath. A breath that said he would not be afraid. He walked from that cemetery with his head held up a little higher and a little bit warmer. Cas might be gone, but like Dean himself had said, Cas would never leave. He would always be with them, watching over them. Taking care of them like he always promised.

Castiel was their angel after all.