Chapter one

When Harry woke the morning after The Battle of Hogwarts, the feelings of deep guilt overwhelmed him. He got out of bed, dressed and headed down through damaged castle until he came to the sunlit grounds. He never slowed his pace until he came upon white marble tomb, then he sat on the other side leaning against it.

'You should have told me earlier, I could have prevented so many dying. Why did you put me through this Dumbledore? Now I have more deaths on my hands and it doesn't matter what anyone has to say, this time every death is my fault. What if I never found out in time, everyone would have kept fighting and he still would have lived. You should have told me sooner, years ago. But just like with Sirius, I found out after it was too late. I sometimes think you expected too much from me, or that I might have been smarter and worked it out for myself. Maybe if I had time to sit and think about everything, I might have worked it out, but there was too much going on for me to have time to myself. My mind wasn't my own, neither was my soul. It that the reason why I feel so empty, more alone than ever. Did sharing my soul with his cause mine to be damaged? I know now why I kept getting so angry all the time, but I thought since it was gone I wouldn't anymore, but I'm still angry. Angry at you for not tell me, angry for allowing everyone to fight, and angry at myself for not figuring this out sooner. How do I cope with all this, with what I saw, with what I had to do, with the guilt I feel? Should I leave, give everyone a chance to bury their dead without me reminding them why they have lost their parents, sisters, brothers, sons or daughters. Should I stay and try to support everyone like they supported me, but would they want me to support them. I just don't know what to do anymore. Someone has given me a new name now, but I don't see myself as the saviour, I see myself as the bringer of death. People die when they get close to me or believed in me, too many have over the years. How am I to go on with a life when I have blood of the people that died on my hands? My heart is aching with seeing all the pain on people's faces as they lay over lost loved ones. Mrs. Weasley's cries were heartbreaking to hear, a woman who had been trying to be my mother for so long and I caused the death of one of her own children. How can she or any of the Weasley's want me around anymore? Ron was so angry he just wanted to kill, he hasn't cried, he just sits and stares into space. I'm worried about him so much, could the death of one of his brothers change my friend. Hermione is trying to be strong for him, but I see the worry on her face and she doesn't know what to say to help him. I thought if this was ever over for me, I might be able to have a normal life, one that would include him, the man I love. But that can't happen now, he died too, everyone I get close to dies. I can't seem to focus my thoughts properly right now, but there is one thing I have decided. I am going to stay here and try to help bring Hogwarts back and I hope McGonagall will allow me to do that. This place was my first home, a place I felt safe in, a place I loved, but now it's full of death and destruction and I don't want to see it like that. I want to feel like I used to feel about this place before you died. I need to do what I can to bring this place back. Kids still need to learn and this place, when there are good people like McGonagall here will help future generations of witches and wizards and hopefully our world will never have to go through something like this again. Hogwarts needs to put all this behind it, like everyone else needs to. I just don't know if I ever can. I wish you would give me some sign of what I should do. You were the one that advised me, gave me what I needed even if it was too late sometimes. You were my mentor and friend even if you never shared anything personal with me. You knew everything about me, well almost everything, I couldn't tell you that one thing, but I knew nothing about you, now I do of course and even though I am angry with you, I still need you Dumbledore. I've lost so much but it's worse now, I love him, the one I thought I could have a future with, but he's gone now too. Help me Dumbledore, please,' Harry voice finally broke along with his body as his sobs finally escaped him.

She listened to everything Harry had said and felt the ache in her heart as she realised how much pain he was in. She knew he had suffered all his life, like a lot of people have, but Harry more than most and more than someone so young should. She had hoped now he had finished off the person that caused him all that suffering, that he would have a good life. But no, he can't and by the words he had spoken, he won't for a very long time. She thought if Harry would only allow his friends to help him through this, but that was not Harry. He was too independent and never liked to burden his friends, especially now with them going through their own emotional pain. She had cared for him for so long, but was never able to show it, not really.

She had helped him, guided him and tried to be there for him, more so after Albus Dumbledore died, but Harry never turned to her for help, just like he never asked his friends to help. They offered or just said they were going to help whether he wanted it or not. Harry never understood that his friends helping him, helped them as well. They cared so much for him and had been right alongside him through everything, so they felt his suffering, his pain, even if they could never really understand how he truly felt. She dearly wished he would turn to them now, but she knew he wouldn't. So at least she knew one thing she could do to help him, he wanted to stay here and help rebuilt Hogwarts. That is something that she could help with and in doing that, it might just be what Harry Potter needed, time to come to terms with everything, time by himself to think about a life he can now have, time to realise that he is not responsible for one single death and he needs time to heal his heart and soul. So she turned without letting him know she was there and headed back into the badly damaged castle but her thoughts remained on the courageous young man talking to his dead mentor.

Harry never realised how long he had sat against Albus Dumbledore's broken tomb until he felt a few drops of rain hit his face. He looked up at the grey clouds and thought this is more what it should look like. Grey dull clouds, not bright sunlight. For some of the wizarding world, they were in mourning, for another part, they were celebrating. Harry could understand both, but all he felt was hopelessness, sadness and loneliness. He slowly got to his feet, gazed down at Dumbledore's wise old face then quickly cast a basic sealing charm to protect him until the tomb could be repaired, then he slowly made his way back towards the castle.

As Harry walked, he stepped over rubble and tried not to step in the blood he saw everywhere and he also tried to stop the visions of all the dead that kept coming into his mind. He kept taking deep breaths to stop himself breaking down again and knew he had two things he had to do right now. So he headed towards the hospital wing to speak with Madame Pomfrey. The moment he stepped in through the doors, he sucked in a breath as he saw all the injured people. Madame Pomfrey along with two other healers were going from bed to bed, handing out potions, and doing healing charms over the wounded. Harry stood with his back to Madame Pomfrey's office door and watched. He saw some of his friends lying in beds, bloodied and bruised. He saw other friends sitting beside them along with family members. The Patil twins were both in beds beside each other with their parents sitting between them. He spotted Seamus Finnegan sitting beside another bed with a girl that Harry couldn't remember her name, Dean Thomas also sitting with his friends. So many people hurt, so many dead Harry thought.

'Did you want to see me Harry?' a very tired looking matron asked.

'Yes I did, but if you're busy, I can come back later.'

'Nonsense, but I have no more beds as you can see, and since you are standing, why not step into my office and tell me what you need,' the matron opened her office door, let Harry in and closed it behind them, 'What seems to be the problem?'

'Well, a couple of things actually, one is that he hit me with the killing curse again and it won't stop bleeding. The other is where he dropped me a few times, I think I have a couple of breaks or something.'

'Where did the killing curse hit Harry because you have blood all over you?'

Harry opened his shirt, 'As you can see, on my chest, it still hurts too.'

'You should have come see me last night,' Madame Pomfrey went to her cabinet, grabbed a couple of potion bottles, then handed one to Harry, 'That will stop the bleeding, then I will check and see what else is wrong.'

Harry nodded, then drunk the potion, grimacing a little, then handed her back to the bottle. He watched as she passed her wand over his entire body.

'What else is wrong with me?'

'You have a fracture on your left elbow, a small break in your sternum and a large deep cut on your left leg and I didn't even need to see it,' she gave Harry a smile, then handed him two more potions, watching him as he drank both. 'The potion for your chest you will need for a while, possibly a month, then I will check it again. The others will be fine, but it might take a day before the pain recedes. But can I ask you how you have been able to do anything with those breaks?'

'I sort of just blocked it out, there was too much going on. But my chest, will it scar like my head?'

'Yes it will, being done by dark magic, they always leaves a mark. Give me a minute,' the matron waved her wand over Harry's chest again, cleaning all the old blood away, 'Have a look.'

Harry glanced at the now red scar, 'Just a little bigger and also going in the opposite direction.'

'Does anyone else know that is there or that you were hit with the killing curse again?'

'No, I'm not ready for my friends to know yet, they have enough to deal with right now. Thanks for this Madame Pomfrey, you always come through for me with your potions, even if they taste terrible.'

'You welcome, but you sound down Harry. I thought you would feel relieved or even happy that his finally gone.'

'I thought so too, maybe that might come later, I think it's just too soon to really believe it.'

'You're probably right, but few of the patience in those beds all want to thank you, they can't believe he is finally dead and will never terrorise our world again.'

'I shouldn't be thanked, I should be blamed, I've got to go,' Harry quickly left the office and hospital wing before the matron could say anything more. Harry stopped in a deserted corridor and took a few deep breaths, trying to calm down, but his heartache was so strong that he wasn't sure he would survive this latest loss.