The Place You Alone Can Fill

By AmboDriver

Disclaimer: As usual, I don't own anything. I'm just playing around with them. They are owned by Shondaland, ABC, and probably a lot of other really rich folks.

***Please Read***: This is a post-9x03 story. It is DARK, VERY DARK. This will not be an easy read at first. But you can't get to the light without going through the dark. And they will get to the light, I promise. I couldn't write this story if they didn't end up reasonably happy and together.

Content Notice: There will not be any of the following: sexual violence, character death, or Callie/Arizona hooking up with anyone else. Pretty much everything else is on the table, but I don't want to give it away so that's all I'll say now. If you want to read this but are worried there might be triggers for you, just PM me your concerns and I'll let you know if it's safe.

Okay, ready for this pretty long and hard trip? Let's go…

"Whoever you are, there is some younger person who thinks you are perfect. There is some work that will never be done if you don't do it. There is someone who would miss you if you were gone. There is a place that you alone can fill." – Jacob M. Braude

Chapter 1

Callie came out of Sofia's room and sighed heavily as she looked around the apartment. Their bedroom door—or perhaps it was best to say Arizona's door at this point—was closed and Callie just didn't have the energy to go in there right then. Not after the evening that she'd already had, that they'd already had. First finding Arizona on the floor of the bathroom after she didn't make it to the toilet and then the settlement meeting had really worn her down. It wasn't like there was ever really a time when she could forget everything that they'd gone through in the last months, especially her own failings, but today had brought it more to the fore than usual.

She collapsed onto the couch, not even taking the time to change into pajamas, and sighed heavily as she stared up at the ceiling. She hated the night, because she couldn't turn off her thoughts. At work she could push it all away and ignore it. When she was dealing with Sofia there were more important things to do and for those brief moments she could focus on the happiness of being with her daughter. And then the times when she was alone with Arizona were usually so filled with anger and sadness that she could focus on that and not on what was causing it. But here at night, she could only think about why Arizona was so mad and how her colossal mistake had probably meant she'd never truly get her wife back, if at all.

"What do you mean she's not getting better?" Callie practically screamed at Alex when she'd finally tracked him down after she had finished operating on Derek's hand.

"I mean, she's not improving. We've got her on a ventilator and every drug in the book and her fever hasn't broken and her serum lactate levels have increased. I just don't get it. The leg was the main source of the infection. Things should be heading in the right direction by now but they aren't."

Callie pinched at her nose and felt a horrible sting of bile in her throat. "Did we miss something?"

There was a heavy silence between them as Alex just turned to the wall, resting his hands in front of him and bending over. He shook his head. "What if it wasn't—"

"No, it had to be her leg. It had to be." Callie wasn't ready to think about the other possibility. "There's no other explanation." But she knew there was. It was rare that it would present like this but it could happen. She finally turned her back to the wall and banged her head into the drywall. "Do you think it's a pulmonary embolism?"

Alex looked at her, his eyes wide with shock and fear before he shut them and hung his head. "Shit." He shook his head and then looked up at her with pain in his eyes. "Motherfucker," he ground out as he suddenly ran off down the hallway toward Arizona's room.

Callie's legs wouldn't follow him. Her whole body was like lead. But worst of all was the pit in her stomach. She just collapsed to the floor, her breathing hard and her mind screaming at her. "I cut off her leg. I cut off her leg and that wasn't the problem." The tears came then and felt like they would never end.

Callie shook her head, trying to chase those memories from her mind. But, really, the torment of them was her penance for her mistake. They'd made an assumption, a horrible assumption, and it had cost her wife her leg. It had almost killed Arizona before they'd been able to treat the embolism. In many ways it had killed her, because Callie felt like she would never get her back.

Callie rolled over on her side and grabbed the blanket from the back of the couch. She closed her eyes and cringed at the images of Arizona that evening in the bathroom that played in her mind. Her Arizona was gone and Callie would likely only ever have her in her memories. And in my dreams. But sleep was all too often elusive, and so Callie just closed her mind down and tried to will it to come. It took what felt like hours, but eventually she fell asleep and was able to dream of her Arizona.

The next morning things were exactly the same as any other day in their new lives. Callie got up, got some breakfast together for the three of them, and then did her best to coax Arizona out of bed. But today, unlike the last two, Arizona didn't seem to want to respond. And the frustration of it all was just wearing down on Callie. She stood in the doorway, staring at Arizona's back, and sighed.

"Arizona, do you want…" She had to swallow against the nausea that suddenly roiled in her stomach. "Do you want to leave?"

There was no reaction from Arizona as if she were sleeping, although from years of experience, Callie knew she was awake, Her breathing was too quick and deliberate to be anything other than a concerted effort to not react.

As much as Callie wanted to run away, to not force an answer, she needed one. She needed to know where she stood, where their family stood, and so she forced herself to ask again, although this time she was more specific. "Do you want to leave me?"

It was so quiet in their room that Callie could hear Arizona swallow. Then her voice, flat and devoid of emotion as ever, barely made it to Callie's ears. "No, I don't."

Callie felt such a wave of relief that she choked on a sob that threatened to come out and she smiled broadly, feeling like there was hope, finally, that she was making progress. "Thank you. I'm so happy to hear that."

That was when Arizona rolled over and that familiar hatred burned in the pale blue eyes Callie loved so much. "That relief you're feeling? Yeah, that's how I felt when you promised me you wouldn't cut off my leg. And look how that turned out." She rolled back over away from Callie.

It felt like Callie had been punched in the stomach and she literally fell back a step. Arizona had wanted to hurt her with that and she had succeeded, more so than perhaps anything she had said since waking up from her sedation at the hospital. This one hurt because it was so obvious that she was not only mad but she wanted Callie to hurt just like she had. Her beautiful, sweet Arizona was being vindictive and that was one thing Callie figured she would never be.

She just stood there for a second and stared at her back, afraid to move, because moving meant getting ready to leave for the day, and now she was terrified that Arizona wouldn't be there when she got back. If Arizona was being serious, she had just announced her intention to leave at some point, and if there was one thing Callie was pretty sure she'd never live through, it was losing Arizona.

And yet Callie knew she couldn't live her life in fear, and she couldn't keep Arizona if Arizona didn't want to be kept. So, with more willpower than she had needed thus far, she forced her legs to move and she turned from the bedroom door. "There's breakfast in the kitchen," she said over her shoulder before trudging off to the nursery to collect Sofia so they could leave for the day. Callie refused to take a final look back, afraid that it would be the last sight of Arizona in their apartment, afraid that it would be the last time her wife would be there with her. And she just couldn't bear that.

But a week went by and every day Arizona was there when Callie came home. Most days, things were still tense, but more and more it seemed as if there was just a little light at the end of the tunnel in the form of Arizona's reactions to Sofia. Over the past three days, while Callie would make dinner for them, Arizona would sit next to Sofia's high chair and help her eat. Callie couldn't help but smile as Arizona would talk with Sofia as she cut up chicken tenders or pieces of fruit for their daughter. Once she even laughed at a face Sofia made and Callie swore it was the most beautiful sound she'd ever heard. It all went a long way toward giving Callie hope that maybe, just maybe, her Arizona was in there somewhere and it would just take time and lots of Sofia to coax her out.

And so, on the eighth evening, Callie smiled brightly at Sofia as they rode the elevator up to their apartment. "Are you ready to see Mama?"

Sofia bounced on Callie's hip and squealed loudly. It made Callie laugh to see her daughter happy about seeing Arizona. For the first few weeks Arizona had been home, she had rarely allowed Sofia in the same room with her and Sofia had really suffered. She had been cranky and had often refused to eat, but now she was happy most of the time and eating whatever was put in front of her. It was a wonderful relief to have at least one less stressor in her life. And her daughter's smile could always make everything alright for at least a few moments.

The elevator opened and Callie walked out and around the corner toward their apartment. She purposely kept her eyes focused on their door so as to avoid looking at the apartment across the hall that now stood empty and would soon have other residents in it. She simply had too much going on in her life to dwell on the loss of Mark. That grief had to come last. Arizona and Sofia needed her too much right then.

Callie opened the door to the apartment, hoping to see Arizona sitting in front of the TV, but she and her wheelchair were not out in the main living area. "Arizona? We're home," she called out as she dumped her bags off her shoulder onto the couch and placed Sofia on the floor where a few of her toys rested. "Be right back," she said to Sofia before she turned to go into the bedroom.

But Arizona wasn't in there either and her wheelchair was also nowhere to be found. "Arizona?" she called again even as fear started to well in her chest. She quickly glanced in the bathroom but found it empty. She then ran back out into the living room and across into Sofia's room, but again Arizona was nowhere to be found. Now panic was setting in and Callie frantically went over to her purse to get out her phone, hoping she'd find a text message or voicemail or something from Arizona. But there was nothing.

She ran her hands through her hair in frustration as she looked around the apartment. When she looked into the kitchen she saw the envelope with her name propped up against a coffee mug. A moment of relief was followed by a black dread at what the note inside the envelope could hold. Callie tried to tell herself that there was some explanation for Arizona's absence that would not destroy her world, but her mind froze simply on that caustic retort from the previous week.

"Yeah, that's how I felt when you promised me you wouldn't cut off my leg. And look how that turned out."

Callie had to stop and take a deep breath to keep from wanting to rush into the bathroom and vomiting, but somehow she managed. And then she just had to concentrate and use all her will to compel her legs to take her over to the kitchen and the envelope. Her hand trembled as she reached out for it, hesitating for a moment before finally rushing out to grab it and open it so she could look inside. And that was when her heart stopped.

The only thing inside was Arizona's wedding ring.

TBC…

About the Pulmonary Embolism: So, I have this little theory that Alex and Callie maybe goofed up and they cut off her leg when it wasn't necessary. I'm basing this on three things: in the preview for episode 4 Callie says she's a bad doctor for making the decision (that implies a medical reason). Also Callie never counters Arizona's anger by saying that she saved her life by cutting off her leg (which you have to figure would be the natural retort). Finally, it would explain Arizona's extra high level of anger toward Callie and the "decision".

After a little research I figured it could have been a pulmonary embolism (PE), although the ultra-high temp would be a very rare symptom. It does fit the symptoms enough to be possible and Arizona probably also had one at the crash so a recurrence would be more likely. Leg trauma and being stuck in bed for a long time can both cause a blood clot (or fat embolism) to travel to the lungs. So, that's what I'm going with here. I figured it would help increase the dark aspects of this story and it gives Callie something extra to work through, too.