Dear Tony,

Do you remember the first morning we woke up together? Most of the time I think you liked to brush it aside, but not me. I'll always remember that first time I watched your eyes flutter open to meet mine, brows furrowed from sleep. Your hair was a disaster, and your shirt was more crumpled than I'd ever seen it, but the one thing I'll remember most about that morning is the way you smiled at me like I was the only person you'd want to see lying next to you. That's something I'll treasure forever.

With love, Steve.

Dear Tony,

I've been thinking about lunch. I know you've always liked going to more upscale restaurants, regardless of the time of day, but I have my mind set on that burger joint downtown. Do you remember the first time I made you stop there? You rolled your eyes at me when I told you that was where I wanted to eat, but you didn't argue, and I thought it was very sweet of you to give in so easily. I'll meet you there, okay?

With love, Steve.

Dear Tony,

On the matter of ipods, I've finally made use of the one you gave me. It wasn't all that difficult to figure out, despite what you had me believing. I'm under the impression that you make things sound significantly more difficult than they are, just so you can be the one to show me how to use them. I've been trying to listen to the music you suggested, but I'm not sure how I feel about it, just yet. You'll know my opinion when I have one.

With love, Steve.

Dear Tony,

This morning, when I stopped by the park, I saw a couple walking. They reminded me of us. No matter how many couples I see, I'm always fascinated by how they all click together in different ways. It made me consider just how exactly we clicked. After a moment, I realized; we balance each other in ways no one else could. Thank you for balancing me.

With love, Steve.

Dear Tony,

I'm sorry that we argue so often. I saw a movie today where the main couple argued constantly over the silliest things. It really hit home, and I'm sorry for that. I know I shouldn't be so defensive, but I guess I usually want to make you hear my opinion. We won't argue anymore.

With love, Steve.

Dear Tony,

Do you remember the first time I told you that I loved you? You laughed at me, and I got upset with you. I quite nearly walked out, but you stopped me, and you sat me down, and you told me that you'd only been laughing because it was the most wonderful thing you'd ever heard. Tony, I love you. I love you.

With love, Steve.

Dear Tony,

Have you felt the air changing? The leaves are turning. Autumn always reminds me of you. I bought a cinnamon coffee today. You would have enjoyed it.

With love, Steve.

Dear Tony,

Do you remember our first kiss? Somehow, by the whole situation being anything but romantic, it was probably the most romantic kiss in history. It had snowed, and I forced you to go ice skating with me. You were awful. The last time you slipped, you dragged me down with you, and our faces smashed together. Nosebleed kisses shouldn't be cute. You looked like you'd been massacred, but I'd never seen you smile like that before. I love the way you smile after kisses.

With love, Steve.

Dear Tony,

The holidays are coming up. The tower looks swell. You always have had an ostentatious decorative sense. And here I thought the red in the bedroom was a bit over the top.

With love, Steve.

Dear Tony,

I miss you.

With love, Steve.

Dear Tony,

When I started leaving you these notes, I thought that maybe, just maybe, things would start getting better. I thought that speaking to you, regardless of whether or not you heard me, would make everything a little less difficult. Tony, I was wrong. I've been wrong all along, and I've been fooling myself by pretending that things are okay. The others have started to notice, too. I'm tired of fighting, Tony. I'm tired of pressuring myself to see the better things in life. I'm tired of waking up with your side of the bed cold and empty. I'm tired of making two cups of coffee in the morning just to pretend for a few seconds that you'll be down any second to grab your mug. I'm tired of sitting in the lab and staring at the wall for hours on end, acting as though you're too busy working to answer me. I'm tired of telling everyone that I'm going to be okay when I'm not. I'm just so tired.

When they told me you were gone, I didn't react. I didn't blink, I didn't breathe, I just stood there. What do you do when you hear that your reason to live isn't living? What do you do when the one thing your life revolves around is gone? I've tried coping. I've tried repressing. I've tried talking. None of it makes any difference.

You're not here with me, and everything reminds me of you. I can't go anywhere without thinking of you, and it hurts more than I can explain. I want to see you smile. I want to hear you laugh. Say my name, Tony. Say anything. Tell me that you're not truly gone, because I don't know what else to do. I'm so lost. I'm lost, and I need you here with me. I need you.

With love, Steve.

Dear Tony,

After taking Natasha's advice, it's been six months since I've left a letter on your grave. Have I mentioned how lovely it is? I don't recall. It's just as flashy as you'd have wanted it. They even gave you a statue in the city. It stands big and tall, and lights shine on it at night. They loved you, in the end. You truly were their hero. You were my hero. You'll always be my hero.

Tony, things aren't getting better. Every day, I'm reminded of things that we always did together. I wish you were here to make things okay. Please give me a smile. Just one.

With love, Steve.

Dear Tony,

I had another dream about you last night. They're becoming less frequent, and that scares me. In my dreams, you're happy. You're always so happy, and I can hear you, and I can see you, and I can feel you, and for the night, I know you're there. I wonder if the nights I have these dreams is when you're visiting me. Tony, please don't stop visiting me. Please.

With love, Steve.

Dear Tony,

Happy birthday. We're having a celebration for you at the tower. Everyone is coming. Will you join us?

With love, Steve.

Dear Tony,

It's been one year.

For the first time, I think I'm finally beginning to feel closure. I still think of you daily, but the memories are fond. You truly have given me so many fond memories. I wouldn't exchange the time we had for anything in the world. I miss you. I miss you more than words could tell, but can I tell you a secret? Sometimes, just before I fall asleep, I still get that feeling that you're with me. Not in the way that people would expect, however. I can't feel you with my hands, I can't smell your expensive cologne, I can't hear you breathing softly next to me, but in my heart, I can sense that you're there. It's not a frequent feeling, but I never miss it. I know you're around. You always said you'd never leave me.

With love, Steve.

Dear Tony,

This is my farewell. From today on, I will not write you another letter. I'll always visit, but these notes need to stop. If I'm to get better, I'll need to stop dwelling and press forward. You would have wanted me to be strong.

Thank you for giving me the romance of a lifetime. Thank you for caring more about me than anyone I've ever known. Additionally, thank you for giving me an adventure I'll never forget.

I love you. I'll be waiting until we meet again.

Oh, and Tony? You were the bravest man I've ever known.

With love, Steve.