A Wedding to Die For

"Harley, get down!" shouted the Joker, leaping at Harley Quinn and knocking her to the ground just in time. A hail of bullets impacted right where she had been standing. "You nearly got yourself killed, you dumb blonde!" he shouted as he climbed off her and crouched behind the safety of the group of boxes. He fired back at the men attacking them as Harley selected a grenade and pulled the pin, throwing it out into the warehouse.

"Thanks for saving me, Mr. J," she said, beaming at him. "It's nice to know you care."

"I don't care," he retorted. "But you would have cared, because you would have been dead!"

"That don't make no sense, Mr. J," she retorted, covering her ears as the grenade exploded. "I'd be dead, so I wouldn't care about anything anymore. Anyway, you would care, because you'd be lost without me."

"Don't flatter yourself, toots," he growled, firing his gun until it was empty. "I don't need you around. I managed fine without you for a long time, and I'm sure I'll manage fine again if you ever got shot in the face. Now hand me some bullets."

"Doncha know where they are, Mr. J?" she asked.

"Of course I do!" he shouted. "I just don't wanna have to go through your purse to find them!"

"They're in your jacket pocket, Mr. J," she replied, smiling.

"I know that, you stupid girl!" he shouted. "But I want you to hand them to me!"

Harley smiled again as she reached inside his jacket and pulled out the box of bullets. "Here you go, puddin'," she murmured, kissing his cheek.

He growled and reloaded, kneeling behind the boxes and firing out into the warehouse again. Harley watched him shoot a few men and slowly slid her arms around his neck. "Do you know how much I love you, puddin'?" she whispered, nibbling on his ear.

"Now is not the time, Harley," he retorted.

"Aw, but you know how much I enjoy watching you hurt people, Mr. J," she whispered. "You know how much it really revs me up."

"Harley, not now!" he shouted, shoving her away. "I'm trying to kill people here!"

Harley grew suddenly angry. "I was trying to be affectionate, you jerk!" she shouted, smacking him across the back of the head. "Jesus, some days I think you just don't love me at all!"

In response, Joker whirled around and punched her in the face. "Now pipe down, will ya?" he shouted, returning to the battle. "I'm trying to concentrate!"

"Yeah, you're always preoccupied with something!" shouted Harley, seizing the machine gun and spraying bullets out into the fray. "It's never the right time for you, is it, Mr. J?" she demanded as she fired indiscriminately into the crowd. "You always put me second to everything, the Bat, your schemes, even these losers! What do I gotta do to get your attention, huh? Die?"

"We'll talk about this later, cupcake," he muttered, throwing another grenade.

"We'll talk about it now!" she shrieked as it exploded. "You never want to talk about us! How you feel about me, where you think our relationship is heading, where you see us in five years, that kinda thing that other, normal couples talk about!"

"You wanna be like other, normal couples?!" he demanded. "You wanna be boring, Harley?!"

One of the enemy henchman appeared in front of them and Joker shot him in the face. "Might make a nice change!" shouted Harley. "People trying to kill me all the time sometimes gets a little old!"

"Thought you loved it, baby," he retorted, shoving her down as bullets sprayed the air above them again.

"I do love it," she retorted, sitting back up and returning fire. "Only sometimes I just wish my life had some form of stability! Because right now the most stable thing in it is our relationship, and that's kinda sad, Mr. J!"

"I wouldn't call our relationship unstable, pooh," he retorted, leaping back as a grenade impacted to the right of him.

"There's no formal commitment, Mr. J," she retorted. "No legal foundation for our stability."

"And when did you ever care about legal formalities?" he demanded. "We steal everything we own!"

"That's different!" she shouted. "That ain't about us as a couple! We're important to me, Mr. J, and I just wish sometimes we could be given the importance we deserve by you. That you would put as much time and effort into us as you do into everything else!"

Another henchman had approached them and Harley got this one, shooting him between the eyes. A grenade came flying at them, impacting behind them as Joker shoved Harley down again. "You done, you dumb broad?!" he shouted, firing back out into the fray. "You're always nagging! Don't know what I've done to deserve a useless, demanding, needy, pushy dame clinging to me all the damn time! Jesus, Harley, you already weigh me down enough to be my goddamn wife or something! Why don't you just marry me, for Christ's sake?!"

Harley stared at him. "Are you asking me?" she murmured. "Here, now, like this?"

"I just did, didn't I?!" he shouted. "You deaf and stupid?!"

She gaped at him in astonishment, then her eyes narrowed. "No, you ain't!" she shrieked. "You're going to do this properly, just like I've always imagined! You get down on your knees!"

"I'm already on my knees!" he shouted, ducking behind the boxes as the other side returned fire.

"Facing me, you idiot!" she shrieked.

"If you don't want us both to die, Harley…"

"You wanna marry me or not?!" she demanded.

He gave a roar of rage, threw another grenade out into the warehouse, then turned around to face her. "Right, what the hell do I have to do?" he demanded.

"Say something pretty," she said. "Some nice little speech about how your life has changed since you met me, and how much I mean to you, and how wonderful I am and how you want to spend the rest of your life with me."

"There's a sniper behind you, Harley. Duck," said Joker.

"That ain't prett…"

Joker whipped out his gun and shot the sniper. "Geez, something pretty…ok…um…I like…the way you do what I tell you. You're great at following orders, baby, the best henchwench a guy could ask for."

"Henchwench ain't a pretty word, Mr. J," snapped Harley. "Something really nice. That you like about me. As a person."

"I like…"

A henchman approached her from behind and Harley suddenly whirled around, firing a round of bullets into his face. "Stop spoiling the romantic mood, jerks!" she shrieked to the room at large. "This is the most important moment of my life, and nobody is going to ruin it for me!"

"I like the way you commit murder, sweets," he murmured, sincerely, his eyes alight. "I like the way you're deranged and psychotic and homicidal. I like the way you shoot guys, or stab them, or beat them into a pulp just for kicks. And I like the way you smile and laugh when you do it, just like your Daddy. Daddy's so proud of the way his little girl has turned out. She's just the best and the most brutal, the most devoted and most dangerous baby a guy could ask for."

"Oh…Mr. J…" she breathed, gazing at him in adoration. "And now you can…ask me the question and…and show me the ring."

"Ring? Oh yeah, gotta have one around here somewhere," he said, feeling his pockets. "Here we are!" he exclaimed, pulling out a grenade. He took out the pin, threw the grenade out into the warehouse, then held out the pin to Harley. "Harley Quinn, will you make me the happiest clown in the world, put the biggest smile on my face, and marry me?" he asked her.

"Oh…Mr. J!" she gasped, as he slid the pin onto her finger. "Oh, Mr. J! Yes! Yes, of course I will, puddin'!" she exclaimed, leaping into his arms.

A henchman appeared in front of them and they simultaneously pulled out their guns and shot him together. They gazed lovingly into each other's eyes and kissed.

"Hear that, boys?! I'm getting married!" shrieked Harley, giggling. But she suddenly realized that the gunfire had stopped, and peered over the boxes. "Oh. Looks like we killed 'em all, Mr. J," she said.

"Saves us adding them to the guest list!" chuckled Joker. "This really will be a wedding to die for, pooh! Maybe they were just ahead of the game!"

"Oh, Mr. J, I love you," she whispered, kissing him.

"And I love you, Mrs. J," he replied, grinning.

"Mrs. J," she breathed. "Oh God, puddin', I'm gonna be Mrs. J! I'm gonna be your wife! The Joker's wife! Mrs. Harley Q. Joker." She made a face. "That don't sound too nice, actually. I prefer Mrs. Harley J. I need to practice writing that, not that I haven't lots of times before. But I never thought…I never really thought that you'd…"

He put a hand to her mouth, then handed her a knife. "Practice writing it, baby," he whispered, kissing her.

"All done, Mr. J!" exclaimed Harley, once the warehouse was covered from floor to ceiling in grafitti written in blood and spelling out Mrs. Harley J, Mr. and Mrs. J, Harley and Joker are getting married, save the date, etc.

"Great job, Harley J," he said, kissing her cheek. "Now c'mon, kiddo, we can't lollygag around here all day! We've got a wedding to plan!"

"Oh, I've got it all planned out, Mr. J," she replied. "Had it planned for a long time. But you're right – there's so much to do! And all in a week!"

"Why the rush, kid?" he asked.

"Because I've waited long enough and I don't wanna wait any longer than I have to!" retorted Harley. "I wanna be Mrs. J as soon as possible, but I still wanna have all the important wedding stuff, nice dress and pretty church and flowers and cake and all that jazz. I'm sure they'll be able to do all that in a week. Y'know, if I threaten them."

"I'll leave it all to you then, m'dear," he said, kissing her cheek again.

"You gotta sort out your best man, Mr. J," she replied.

"Don't worry, pooh, I've got a very special person in mind," he replied, grinning. "And he'd die before he missed the most important day of my life. He'll do it, even if I have to bind and gag him and drag him there with my bare hands."

"Just make sure Bats don't somehow escape and ruin the wedding, won't you, puddin'?" she asked as they left the building, hand in hand. "I don't want him shouting out 'I object' or beating up the guests or anything."

"I'm sure he'll be on his best behavior, pumpkin pie," he replied, grinning. "Not even Bats can be gloomy at a wedding."

"I wouldn't want to bet on that, puddin'," she said. "Be sure to tell him he can't wear black. It's bad luck."

"Gee, I'm not sure he has anything else," he replied. "But I'm sure he can borrow one of the Boy Blunder's costumes."

"Speaking of which, think we should invite him as Batsy's plus one?" asked Harley.

"Now pooh, I'm sure Bats has a girlfriend or something he'd like to invite as his plus one," said Joker.

She looked at him and he shook his head. "Yeah, you're right. Better set a place for the Boy Blunder. Kinda sad, really. Now that I'm settling down, Bats is probably going to realize how lonely and empty his life really is. I hope he'll be ok. Can you imagine Batsy depressed? I mean, even more depressed than he already is? He'll probably start slitting his wrists or something."

"Maybe we can set him and Selina up at our wedding," suggested Harley. "Y'know, get them both drunk and let their mutual attraction do the work. Drunken romances at weddings usually last, don't they? According to rom coms, they do."

"Speaking of which, why are romantic comedies never funny?" demanded Joker. "You think they would be, since comedy is in the name."

"I think some of them are funny, puddin'," she replied.

"Yeah, well, you don't know what's funny, Harley," he retorted.

"Sure I do," she retorted. "I know you're funny."

"Yeah, but you ain't funny," he said. "So jokes that you think are funny aren't really."

"Then why do I laugh at yours?" she asked.

"Because I am genuinely funny," he retorted. "But you just laugh at whatever because you can't tell the difference, you dumb blonde."

"Aw, it's so cute that we argue just like an old married couple already!" sighed Harley. "God, I love you, Mr. J! It's gonna be a helluva week!"