Life in the abstract. Maybe. Just a drabble without much point, not really canon, but I always found it interesting in the DLC and the ramifications of Destroy and what could happen.

She dreams.

Children like her sons dream of monsters, they wake screaming with fright, babbling of ghouls under the bed, of skeletons in the closet, or mummies with their wraps falling off. She chides Kaidan for letting them stay up late watching cheesy TV and eating too much ice cream. Then, she cuddles them and wipes away their tears. Monsters aren't real, after all, and even if they were, their mom is Commander Shepard and no one is going to hurt her boys.

She believes that and her belief shows on her face. They always quiet, stop sniffling, and snuggle back into their blankets, safe and secure. She kisses their tear-stained faces and closes the door, thinking to herself that she is a good mother.

Adults don't dream like that. Adults know that there are no monsters under the bed, only monsters in the mind and in the dark of space. Shepard dreams of being a child. The apartment's walls are stained. Mold grows on the wallpaper in damp weather. She dreams of skirting the corners, of trying to shower around the filth when their hot water is actually paid and working. She dreams of yelling and being small and powerless. She sees faces she had forgotten, desperate sunken faces of boys and girls she had known in her gang, long dead and long lost. She prefers not to remember and thinks her dreams cruel.

The cruelest part is when she dreams of her mother and not just the bad parts. She remembers that she had a nice smile and once hugged her. She dreams of her brother and how he looked a little like her boys did now.

"Shepard? Wake up."

There's a hand on her shoulder and she rolls over, opening her eyes. Sweat is gathered at her neck, and her long brown hair sticks to her cheeks. Tears sting her eyes.

Kaidan stares at her steadily, his eyebrows drawn. "You were dreaming."

"Yeah," she says, blinking in the light of the room. Early morning. She's safe. She's older. Kaidan is here beside her, with sleep in the corner of his eyes and rumbled bed hair. "Yeah," she says again, "but it's over now."

"It is," he says, putting his hand to her cheek. "I love you. You're okay."

She leans into his hand and nods, breathing easy. She stops sweating and her heart stops pounding. "Anyone ever tell you that you should get a job as a professional monster hunter?"

He accepts her joke, her deflection, with an easy grin and a spark in his eyes. "I have not been told that. Why? Are you hiring? You should know, I'm ridiculously expensive."

"Hmm." She pretends to think and rolls over closer beside him. "Maybe we could work out some sort of payment?"

He smiles again, grey in his hair, and age wrinkles at his eyes. "Oh, that sounds sordid. I'm in."

She pulls her sweat soaked t-shirt over her head, telling herself that soon she will sweat for the right reasons, that Kaidan is here, wonderful Kaidan who will make her forget all about the past and give her nothing but the present, a future, a home, and a family.

She kisses him. It's early morning. They have time.

Later, she pads into the bathroom as he showers. She laughs as he sings, happy and off to a good start to his day.

"You're a terrible singer, Kaidan."

"You love it, Shep. Don't lie," he says, poking his head out the shower. His black hair is full of soap bubbles and all floppy. She laughs at him and pecks his wet cheek.

"Stop dripping water everywhere and just have your shower."

"Maybe you could join?" he wheedles and grabs for her naked hip.

She laughs and jumps away. "You horny bastard. Again?"

"I'm always game."

"You're always late. Come on. The boys need breakfast yet. The street fair starts at 11 and I still need to get dressed. Behave yourself."

He nods seriously. "Right, Commander." Then he mock salutes.

"Damn straight, soldier."

She begins to brush her teeth but soon the pain has her wincing. Her tooth has been playing up lately and she's too afraid to go to the dentist. She's too old and self-sufficient to whine to Kaidan like a child that she would like him to come, so she just doesn't ask, and she doesn't go to the dentist. The fear is irrational and ridiculous, but she'd never got into the habit of going, relying on the Alliance to take care of her, and the bare-minimum at that.

There's blood in the sink when she spits and she notices too late that the shower has stopped and Kaidan is standing in the middle of the bathroom watching her as he dries his hair.

"Your tooth?"

"It's nothing," she mutters. "Stupid old things are just a bit shit."

"We can afford it now, you know. Things aren't so tight after my promotion," he says gently. "We can get them completely fixed up."

"I know. I just think…"

"What?"

"Well, it's not realty worth the creds, is it? Miles' birthday is coming up. I want to get him something nice. Maybe afterwards," she hedges.

"You're in pain," he says bluntly. "I can see it on your face. You aren't that kid anymore, Shepard. You can have them fixed. You don't have to keep them around as some weird punishment or… or some reminder."

"Like you don't still think of Brain Camp," she hisses. "I don't ask you to wipe the slate clean. Some slates are too dirty. You can't fix everything."

His jaw works. "Shepard…"

She rinses her mouth for the final time and pads into their room, pulling on some clothes. "Forget it. We'll talk about it later. Maybe you're right. Let's not start. The fair's on today."

He brightens, following her in and padding over to their underwear drawer to pull some on. "It should be a good day. Andy hasn't stop jabbering on about candy floss."

"Oh! I want some, too!" she chirps, her mood improving. "And Miles wanted a goodie bag. They have those cool hanar plushies this year."

Kaidan groans. "Do you remember last year? Andy threw his up on the rafters and cried. Miles got it down for him with his biotics and nearly broke his arm."

"I swear, that kid…" she shakes her head. "He could have just waited for me. But you know Miles, he always wants to help out and can't stand it when Andy cries."

"And he has your cocky streak, thinks he's invincible."

She scoffs. "Yeah? Well… he has your…" She searches for a suitable light insult. "Fussiness! I swear, it's like living with two old ladies. Me and Andy live on the wild side."

"Too wild for me," he grins and kisses her again, wiping away their small spat from the bathroom. That's what she loves about him. They can fight like cat and dog, but they forget their hurts just as easily and always come back to each other. She never sleeps angry at him.

Shepard fixes her hair and goes to the fair with her family.

Kaidan walks ahead, Andy perched on his shoulders, exclaiming loudly at all the attractions crammed onto the Citadel streets.

"Daddy! Wow! Do you see? See that man with the sparklers?!"

"I see him, Andy. I see him," Kaidan calms, stopping him from lurching off his shoulders. "It's okay, buddy."

"Daddy, can I have a sparkler?"

Kaidan glances back at Shepard. She mouths 'NO'.

"Sorry, buddy. We don't want you to singe your eyebrows off."

Miles grips her hand tight, sticking with her in the tightly packed crowds. He giggles. "That would be funny."

"Miles, don't be mean to your brother."

He looks up at her, smiling impishly. It makes dimples in his cheeks and she can't help but smile, too.

"Funny," he mutters.

"Funny," she agrees. "But mean."

He's already six and she still thinks of him as her baby, small and cuddly. He's too big to carry around on Kaidan's shoulders now, but not too big to clutch his mother's hand, small and sweaty. Shepard likes that he's still her boy, not too grown up to be embarrassed by holding her hand tight, the crowds making him nervous.

"Mom, can I please get a toy gun?" he begs, pointing to a stand that Kaidan and Andy are playing with some balloons. Shepard can see toys swords, guns, and mini-mass relays set out for sale.

"Sure," she says easily and fishes in her picket for her credit chit, buying a balloon for Andy and a toy gun for Miles.

He examines it, eyes shining. "Wow. It's so cool. It looks just like yours, Mommy. Am I a hero yet?"

Kaidan ruffles his hair. "Not quite. I have just the thing."

He jogs the short way to another stand and looks to Shepard with a mischievous expression, Andy bouncing on his shoulders, clutching his balloon.

"Oh no," she groans. "What are you planning?"

Miles giggles. "Daddy is doing something naughty."

Kaidan jogs back over and bends down beside Miles, something held in his hand. He rubs his shoulder and moves away so Shepard can see.

An adhesive red N7 stripe has been attached to Miles' shirt, a sticker from the stand that Shepard can now see carries cheap war memorabilia.

"Look, Mommy! I'm N7!" Miles squeals, beaming at the stripe.

"A real hero now," says Kaidan, grinning wide.

Shepard breaks into a reluctant smile. "You earn that stripe, soldier?"

"Yes, ma'am!" Miles returns immediately and not for the first time she thinks he's paid far too much attention to Kaidan's biotic kids and Kaidan himself. Maybe even James had been giving him pointers. "I did some secret missions to kill Cerberus," he lisps and the grin slips off Shepard's face. She exchanges a dark look with Kaidan, who looks worried.

Shepard kneels beside her oldest son. "Where did you hear that name, Miles?"

"At school. They told me. They said you worked for them, that you were bad but turned good. Uncle Javik said they did things to me. I wanna kill them."

"Miles," Kaidan says, looking angry. "Don't listen to them, okay? Don't listen to anyone. We don't talk about that, okay, buddy?"

Miles looks confused. "But… it's true what they say, isn't it? You used to be bad, Mommy?"

"No," she says gently. "No, it's a complicated thing. I wasn't bad, okay? And they weren't all bad. Let's just stop this talk of Cerberus. N7s need balloons, I think." She searched for a distraction for him and hands him a balloon. "Now come on, I think Daddy wanted to buy some doughnuts."

They wander on, more subdued than before. She's worried. She never wanted him to hear about that time in her life and never wanted him to learn of his own kidnapping. Kaidan has darkness around his eyes as Andy chatters obliviously and she knows he's also taken back to that time.

She sighs. So much for perfect, happy ever afters. More like real life continues and you find the happiness in between. She's always going to have nightmares, the dreams of shadows. The slate can't be wiped, but that's alright with her. Sometimes perfect is overrated.

She's content and happy in her life. Kaidan falls back to her side, and takes the free hand that isn't holding Miles'. The four of them walk together and she thinks that they're good enough; their small family is her own version of perfect.

That's before the blinding headache rips through her skull anyway, before people start screaming, before the sky of the Citadel darkens unnaturally with a monstrous shadow.

Shepard falls to her knees. It's dark and cold. Miles slips his hand out from hers and Kaidan is knocked onto his side. Andy is crying. The crowds panic like dumb cattle, dropping their food and running.

She's struck with blindness and deafness, something in her brain, until the moment her son stares at her and a voice that isn't his comes out of his mouth.

"The darkness cannot be breached. We promised we would reclaim our thralls."

"Let him go," she snarls, stumbling to her feet as the Leviathan sinks down onto the Citadel Tower.

Kaidan stares in horror, clutching Andy to him.

Miles looks at her, alien in his arrogant hate, in an expression she's never seen her little boy make.

"We warned you, Shepard. There is no war. There is only the harvest."

They let him go and he falls to his knees. Shepard catches him, holding him to her chest. Kaidan pants and hands her a gun that he had strapped to his thigh holster. Always prepared. Always armed.

"What do we do?"

"Get to the Normandy."