This is my very first HP fanfiction, so take it easy on me, ok? BTW most of this story bashes characters and contains slight yaoi and Yuri. Rated T for suggestive themes, slight sexual content, and lots of language. Don't like, then get the fuck out and stay out.

"Harry! Harry James Potter! Get off your lazy butt, come eat and wash the dishes!"

"I'm coming!" I answered back. "You old sack of balls…"

"What was that?"

"Nothing!" I breathed a breath of relief. Finally, that old sack of goat poop was gone! Now I could stretch out my legs…Oh wait…I can't because those fat pigs made me have my bedroom a staircase closet! Not to mention that breakfast for me was probably bacon crumbles, toast crumbs, and even orange juice crumbs!

After trying to the best of my abilities to put on my hand-me-down jeans and shirt (which came from Dudley) in only an inch of space, I came out of the closet, only to be slammed back in by my fat grizzly of a cousin, Dudley. One of these days, I'm gonna smash his head in with a freakin' hammer, cook him, and feed him to his parents. I know it sounds a little dark, but hey, you'd say the same thing if your cousin was treated like a fat pig prince and you were treated like a slave.

When I had arrived in the kitchen, I was a little more than surprised to see a whole piece of bacon, some toast, about two giant spoonfuls of eggs, and some orange juice left in the carton. I silently thanked god that Dudley had gotten full and couldn't steal my entire portion like he sometimes did if he let me sleep late. As a matter of fact, he was the only reason I missed breakfast when he had to wake me up. I can only pray to god that something comes to suck his soul out (Hint: Year 5). Oh well…

After eating breakfast and washing the dishes, I decided to take a shower. It was a good thing that Aunt Petunia was gardening and that fat uncle of mine…uh…well it's not important…he was at work and wouldn't be home for hours. Something tells me he's going to get his thing on and hook up with that prostitute of his. Dudley was probably in his room being fat and doing whatever it is fat kids do. I wouldn't know…I'm never going to be fat with the way they feed me…

The first thing I did was use the towel on my floor to hide my glasses and clothes and climbed into the shower. The only good thing about the Dursley's is that if the shower was running in broad day light, they won't go investigate! As long as I didn't stay until after dinner, they wouldn't mind. The only thing I had to do was keep the door unlocked and the lights off. Otherwise they would know something wasn't right and lock me up in the closet for a week except to go to the bathroom or school.

Just as I was soaking up the hot water (and using it all up), the lights flashed on. Taking no worry about it, I went back to showering. Sometimes I like to make a game out of hearing people crap or pee. It's even funnier to listen to Dudley and Uncle Whats-his-face grunt while they poop. Disgusting? Only if you don't live in a closet. Suddenly I heard the sound of pants unzipping and someone's fat ass sitting on the toilet. To my surprise, I heard what sounded like my name being called over and over.

'Whatever you do, don't…peek…' Being the curious type I slowly peeked around the corner of the shower curtain.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHH!" we both screamed.

"WHAT WERE YOU DOING PEEKING IN ON DUDLEY?!" yelled Aunt Petunia.

"What you should be asking is why he was moaning and stroking his thing to my name!" I yelled back.

"Don't you dare yell at your aunt you scrawny brat!" Uncle Fatso yelled at me. "And why would our precious Dudley even want to stroke himself to you or your stupid name. You're the only thing that ruins classic names like Harry and James."

"Well you ruin a good name like…" before I could say the rest of my sentence, Uncle Lard-o grabbed me by the back of my shirt and shoved me into the closet.

I cursed the stars that my cousin was getting away with yet another crime of the century. I could have only wished that I could have seen Fatso Jr.'s face.

Well that's it for chapter one. This will sort of be like my Alternate DBZ series. Book 1 will be this one and so on. Stick around for the next chapter.