Title: May you Live in Interesting Times

Author: Aoichibi

Beta: CrownsofLaurels

Disclaimer: I do not own any Naruto copyrights. (;.;)

Summary: Life as a ninja should be full of awesome kill-you-with-a-touch jutsu, powerful friends, and awe inspiring battles where the good guy always win, right? Wrong! It has a deceased mother, suicidal father, a rule obsessed bastard of a brother and the war looming over our heads is not helping matters. Survival is the key. Self-Insert.

Author's Notes: Once more THANK YOU everybody who reviewed and those who sent their love through favorites and followings. ChibiKisses to all.

Author's Notes 2: A very BIG thank you to my new beta 'CrownsofLaurels' for working not only in chapter 4 but also is going back to look over all the other chapters! Expect edits on the previous chapters pretty soon.

Author's Notes 3: I would like to thank all those who put my fic in their communities, 15 as of today, THANK YOU GUYS!

Edited in: 13/12/14

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May you Live in Interesting Times

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Chapter 05:

A Hatake life V

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After the disastrous brunch, I settled down in Dan's lap, so he could monitor me and be sure that the puke episode was just an upset stomach and nothing more sinister. I relaxed, content to recuperate and eat a bit of fruit.

We were watching Sakumo wipe the floor with his team -Kushina, Shiyou and Mikoto- in a taijutsu only, free for all, spar. Apparently, being promoted to Jounin didn't help them much; at least, it didn't against daddy. Kakashi and Shizune cheered him on from the side lines.

From out of nowhere, Dan tried to strike up a conversation.

"Do you know that I owe my life to your dad?"

"Hum? Daddy saved you?" I asked, a tad confused.

"Yep! If your dad wasn't so fast I wouldn't be here today," Dan said with a smile.

"Daddy is the Best!" I threw my little arms into the air.

Sakumo approached (the other three had now turned on each other) and chuckled as he caught wind of the conversation, "and yet, I owe Dan-kun the biggest debt of all."

"What?" I asked as Sakumo picked me up from Dan's arms.

"You," Daddy said with a serious expression "and that gave me the excuse I needed to make him yours, and your brother's, Godfather." he then broke into a mischievous smile and planted a big kiss on my chubby cheeks.

"Oh" my eyes widened.

Who knew daddy could be that devious.

"Why me?" I asked, curiosity burning away in my guts. Maybe he was the one who did the birth?

Dad took a deep breath "It's a little complicated baby."

I pouted.

"I'd never seen you so scared before," Dan said quietly.

Sakumo gazed out at the yard, watching his three students pound away at each other, the two girls teaming up against the lone boy. "I didn't understand what was happening, it's not a feeling I'm used to—being that out of control."

Dan hummed his agreement, "It wasn't something I'd ever encountered before either. I'd never seen someone born with that much chakra, it was like someone had tried to squeeze an adult's chakra's capacity into an infant's body." He flicked his eyes over to my Dad, "I didn't want to admit it to you then, because you were panicking enough for the both of us, but it was completely touch and go for those first 24 hours. I'd get her stable and then her whole system would disintegrate beneath my hands, wild and out of control again, and I had no idea how to counter it."

My Dad sighed, "Well, I'm glad you did whatever it was that you did. It worked obviously, thankfully." Dad turned to me and scooped me up out of Dan's arms, "Which is why I owe Dan-kun more than I can ever repay."

"You owe me nothing, my friend. I was just doing my job as a medic," Dan said a bit bashfully, scratching at his head.

"You did one hell of a job, though" Daddy said as he lay down with me straddling his stomach.

"I would accept an apology though, for all the mess and headache you put me through when Kakashi was born," Dan said, eyeing my Dad mischievously.

Sakumo muttered a 'No way in hell."

Dan continued, his lips morphing into a teasing smirk, "Never knew you had it in you to be a 'mama-bear', Sensei was not impressed."

In an amazing show of flexibility Daddy's leg shot out to the side in an attempt to kick Dan, who dodged.

Aww, how cute, daddy's cheeks were red.

Dan shook his head and smiled, looking down at Sakumo's splayed form.

'So that is why I exist' I mused to myself.

From what I gathered this Dan should have already died somewhere in the past away before I was born. But he didn't because Dad is just awesome and, as Dan said, managed to save the lavender haired ninja's ass. Later Dan 'repaid' the life debt by saving me from the dangers of my own crazy chakra and ended up getting roped into being godfather for Sakumo's two kids.

In other words, I should be long dead. Because Dan was supposed to be dead and he was the one to save me.

That revelation does wonders for one's ego, it does.

How was I alive? Because Dan was alive. How was he alive? Because dad saved him… but How?

And that had me wondering if Dan and I were the only changes and what or who exactly had started those changes and, most importantly, why.

And I just realized that it all had been shot straight to hell from the very beginning.

At least it wasn't entirely my fault.

Yeah, I was not going to open that alternate reality can, of completely crazy, worms.

No sir. I liked my sanity. Thankyouverymuch.

What was all my futuristic 'I-am-kind-of-a-god-'cause-I-watched-anime-so-bow-to-me-destiny-and-fate' knowledge, even fuzzy as it all was, actually worth?

Nothing. At. All.

Marvelous.

What was I going to do now?

-XXX-

It was later that afternoon, after all the cheers with the presents. We received a lot of them, and a few worth raising an eyebrow over, like the twin set of Swiss knives (probably not called that here, but whatever) that Shiyou gave Kakashi and I.

Shizune had already crashed in a soft blanket set out on the veranda just for that kind of thing. We were all splayed across the soft grass to the right side of the grounds, opposite the dojo and next to a lone peach tree that was giving off a sweet fragrance.

I was close to following Shizune's example and had nearly dozed off on Mikoto's lap. These people sure like to pass me from lap to lap. I think that the only lap I have yet to be in is Minato's, and it's a sad day when one cannot lay on His Godly Lap. And I haven't been passed off to Jiraiya yet, either. –Thank God- One word, toads. Huge, slimy toads. But then again, The Blond-God was a Toad summoner too wasn't he? WHY? Why Gods why do you hate me so?

The comfortable silence was broken by Shiyou's babbling.

Shiyou was an interesting person, always speaking his thoughts without realizing he was actually speaking out loud. He looked a lot like an older Konohamaru. That is, if Konohamaru had a trimmed goatee, long-ish eyelashes, a jagged scar under his right eye, and a bo-staff strapped to his back. Maybe Shiyou was, I mean, maybe he would be... Time lines are so confusing. Maybe he would be the kid's father? Who knew?

"... But Mitsuki-chan can you use chakra yet?" Shiyou's use of my name is what really caught my attention. "Oh what am I saying of course she can't, she probably doesn't even know what the word means yet," and there he goes again.

I felt like I wouldn't get a more brilliant opportunity and decided to show off. Admittedly, not my smartest decision. But I've never claimed to be brilliant, and I was a little bit pissed for being written off just like that.

Just a little, teensy, ity bit.

Okay, I was pissed as hell, not than anyone else could tell, but I have never claimed to be mature, either.

"Chak'a?" Yep, the evil word still eluded me, but I did know what it meant, thank you very much.

"Oh," Shiyou blinked down at me, probably surprised that I, or anyone really, was paying attention to the conversation, "do you know what that means?" He was cooing at me condescendingly and without waiting for an answer he started to explain, "Chakra is the energy that is—"

My eyebrow twitched.

Have you ever been a twenty three year old stuck in the body of a not-quite two year old and cooed at condescendingly? You wouldn't make smart decisions either.

I shoved my hand in his face and it began to emit a light, flickering glow. "Like this?" I asked with a cheeky smile. Take that you annoying person you.

"Aaaahhhhhhh! SAKUMO-SENSEI COME SEE THIS!" Kushina screamed.

Really woman, my poor, poor ears.

"What happened now?" Said Dan as he walked over to see what the commotion was about.

"Cha-cha–that kid can use chakra!" Shiyou stammered, eyes wide, mouth hanging open while pointing at me.

That kid has a name mister and it's Hatake 'Tanpopo' Mitsuki. Use it! I sulked and pouted.

"Oh?" Dad said, his tone disbelieving and an eyebrow raised at his students.

"Do you know what chakra is? Kiddo?" Daddy asked me.

I nodded.

Dad raised an eyebrow at me.

"Kakashi?" Sakumo asked with amusement.

I nodded again.

Daddy snorted.

"Why I'm even surprised?" He mutterred to himself.

I grinned.

"Ne, Mitsuki-chan can you do that again?" Said Mikoto, eyes wide, but still managing to maintain her composure.

"That?" I asked, playing the confused kid. Their faces alone. Sweet-Space-Christ this was bleeding hilarious.

"Chakra, can you use it again?"

"Oh, Okies," I raised my hand again and directed the chakra flow; it was slower than the first time. A small bead of sweat ran a path from my hair line to my chin. It was still hard to control the Blue chakra flow as the White one just keeps getting in the way. The glow was supposed to be blue damn it not white. However, soon my hand was glowing like a firefly again.

"Oh," Dad boggled, "Where did you learn to do that, kiddo?"

Where does any younger sibling learn anything that they aren't supposed to have learned yet? I pointed to Kakashi, who was chatting with Minato a bit further away.

"Are you kidding me? A four year old taught a kami-only-knows-how-old to use chakra? I have heard about genius and prodigies but this is ridiculous!" Shiyou was in near hysterics now, that guy was just so funny.

And I was almost two thankyouverymuch. Only two months to go and I could start saying my age in plural.

Waves of compliments were given both to me, for learning how to use chakra so early, and to Kakashi for teaching me. My poor brother looked rather baffled, as he didn't understand what I'd actually accused him of teaching me this time, so darn funny.

I did notice a weird look exchanged between dad and Dan. Sakumo was looking strangely relived. Dan grinned.

A few hours later and it clicked.

Because of the mess that went on with my birth Daddy thought I couldn't use chakra.

Well, I clearly proved him wrong. Smug pride filled me.

-XXX-

Horror!

Tragedy!

Complete and total horrifying tragedy!

I...I... was losing my baby blues. NO!

Generally Baby's eyes change color at a younger age, before they hit one year or so. I couldn't quite understand why mine were changing so late. I was almost two, damn it!

Why? Why Gods?

And I was being such a good girl too!

Have I not been punished enough for whatever kittens I drowned in a past-past, long forgotten life, by being cursed with this crazy, all over the place, atrocious hair? Now my beautiful weapons of mass destruction were being taken away from me? How was I supposed to be a Ninja, and charm Daddy into submission, without those important parts? I needed those, damn it!

Give them back Gods!

I cursed, and swore, and even promised to stop teasing my strange older-younger brother.

I closed my eyes, hoping that when I opened them again the dark gaze of the image in the mirror would return to the clear blue it had been only a week ago.

I opened my eyes.

Yep, no such luck.

The darkish -and getting darker by the day- blue was still there, mocking me.

Damn you eyes! Why can't you obey me already? Change back!

The Hatake's -meaning my father really, although I suppose my brother does as well when he grows up- have a rather striking appearance, very handsome. But if one looks at just the face, well it was really plain, a forgetful face, sad, but true.

Rather useful for a ninja wanting to be disguised, now that I think about it.

But when you put the whole appearance together.

Yeah, not so forgetful anymore.

Deceptively delicate bone structure, straight nose, high cheekbones, defined lips -on the thin side and quite colorless, but we had the cupid bow and arrow thingie- almond shaped eyes, defined and naturally arched eyebrows, pale skin, lean and powerful bodies honed to perfection –in the past, present and future that may or may not be- made for speed, flexibility, agility and dexterity, combined with, sparkling, charcoal grey eyes and the trademarked silver hair...

Yeah.

Our overall look was...

Exotic.

But damn it! I wanted my baby blues!

On a happier note I doubt that I will ever have to shave/wax my legs and other places because, hello, thin natural silver hair. I couldn't even see dad's chest hair and I knew he had it (daddy's chest was the best bed ever!) Come to think of it, I don't think Sakumo had any need to shave either.

But I could have done without the short and silver, almost invisible really, eyelashes.

But then, this was why God invented mascara.

Mascara is going into my 'must put on every day' kit, which would consist of...

hmmm... just the mascara...

...and sunblock.

-XXX-

A few weeks later, my moment in the spotlight finally came back to bite me on the ass.

How could I have been so stupid?

Of course daddy wouldn't let me continue with my normal, and relatively lazy, routine after I stupidly showed off at Kakashi's birthday party. Especially now that he knew I wasn't chakra-handicapped from whatever weird trauma I had suffered at birth.

Where was my brain the day of that party?

Thanks to my own impulsive, immature behaviors, my training as a ninja had finally begun.

Damn.

In the mornings, before breakfast we ran laps around the Hatake's huge (Why did we need something this big anyways?) property. The first time I ran with my brother and father I tired out before I completed the first lap, short legs people, really short legs. Kakashi eventually crashed, panting and trembling, after the sixtieth lap. My brother was in good shape, a good stubborn shape. Daddy would then carry us on his shoulders until he completed his additional ten 'warming up for the day ahead' laps.

After that, Dad made breakfast, and Kakashi and I would drag our little bodies into a bath, as there were no showers in this house. I wondered if Konoha even knew of the existence of showers? One of Sakumo's, relatively few, laws was that Kakashi had to take a bath with me or I couldn't even get near the bathtub. In his words, "If I'm not there, then it's Kakashi's responsibility to make sure our precious little Tanpopo-chan doesn't drown." Bathing with Kakashi was a weird and embarrassing experience; the boy was OCD for cleanliness and the poster-boy for the bar of soap. He checked me twice just to make sure everything was clean.

Embarrassing.

Afterward, we ate a light and energetic breakfast of rice, fish, green vegetable mush (courtesy of Tsunade, I will never forgive you for that, woman), miso soup and juice (Eggs and toast, where are my eggs and toast? I miss them) Sakumo would take us to the dojo, with its creepy little human-like targets, and he would teach us to how fight. Ninja style.

Fun, yes? NO!

The Hatake fighting style, the Ikari no Inunotōboe, Dogs Howl of Fury, or simply Inunotōboe, Dogs Howl, was named after the sounds that the moves produced when executed by a master of the style.

To master the style, one not only had to be able to correctly perform the forms, but also perform them at an incredible speed. Dad said that the last true master of the style had been his mother, Hatake Konuka. The name translated to 'Rice bran of the farm land'... really?

Really?

And I thought Tanpopo was bad.

She had also been known as Konoha no Hauringu Buyouka, The Howling Mistress of Konoha. Go grandmother! Show those males who is the true King of Fighters! Even if you had a weird ass title, you rocked!

The style was composed of three complex sets of Katas. They were really, really, complicated; the first one actually reminded me of the martial arts form 'Before', but things changed from there onward, the second and third forms had back flips, rolls, jumps, spinning kicks, dodges, jumping kicks, twists, duble and triple air kicks (jumping and spinning variety), and other complicated movements. The whole thing relied heavily, not only on speed but also on flexibility to pull all the crazy, fast paced, moves in the middle of a battle. Dad made a small and fast (at least from my perspective of things, for daddy he was probably doing it very, very slow)demonstration of them all, and it was beautiful, he flowed from one form to another like he didn't have bones or the ability of getting dizzy,like he was really fighting an invisible enemy.

I wondered what grandmother looked like while using it. Must have been awesome.

Sakumo had Kakashi teach me how to correctly stretch and warm up all my muscles, even ones that I didn't know existed, and then Dad started me on the learning the first set of katas while Kakashi worked the kinks out of the second set.

Damn prodigy.

Two hours later and I was dead on my feet, sweating and panting like a pig.

Dad would sit me in a corner with a small water bottle and have a light (in his words) spar with Kakashi. I would spend half an hour of watching my father mop the floor with my brother, Kakashi being soundly beat. Poor brother, should I cry child abuse I wonder. I silently cheered for the kid to kick Sakumo in the face while I watched, miserably wondering how I was ever going to match either of them in skill.

Soon, it was time for lunch. Dad usually made sushi, which was delicious, thank Gods!

Then I was put down for a nap. I would wake up somewhere near five o'clock and, while Kakashi was still in his pre-academy classes, dad would sit me down and teach me chakra control. He taught me to make a small square paper stick to my down turned hand. I caught on to that exercise pretty fast. Then he tried to teach me how to stick a leaf to my forehead, this one gave me a bit of trouble.

Torture.

Boredom.

I almost cried from the tediousness of it all.

At 6 o'clock, Kakashi would finally arrive to save me from the lethal boredom of repetitive chakra control exercises. We would eat dinner and my brother would do his homework and give me small and easy, addition and subtraction, math problems to solve. By then I was too tired to summon the energy to figure out how to fail them and actually did the damn problems properly. Kakashi, the slave driver, wanted me to write down the numbers in their nominal form of 'two' instead of just putting a 2, making me commit more mistakes due to not knowing the language than because of an error from calculation.

Afterward, it was bed time for us kids. Kakashi would jump in my crib so we (he really) could read a small part of whatever book he chose before we fell asleep, normally on top of each other in a 'puppy pile'. Just to start it all over again the next day.

Unless it was a weekend and then, as Kakashi didn't have classes, or homework, we would do house cleaning in the afternoon and at night it would be board games. Mahjong was my favorite, but Kakashi preferred the more complicated Go. Dad said it would teach us tactics and because we are children it was good to play once in a while. I privately thought that sometimes Sakumo forgot that we were his kids and not his mini-soldiers, two little ninja in training.

Such seems to be the fate of clan-born ninja children.

Joy.

-XXX-

It was late morning when Sakumo broke our routine and sequestered himself and Kakashi in the dojo for half an hour. When they came out dad gave me the fakest smile in the history of fake smiles and my brother had a deep frown on his face.

Kakashi remained oddly silent for the rest of the day.

What the hell was going on?

Night fell and brother had yet to come for the 'traditional' book reading. Okay, enough was enough! If he wasn't coming for me I was going to him.

Grabbing firmly on the crib's railing I hauled myself up using all the strength that Sakumo's crazy teachings instilled in this little body to perch precariously at the top of the wooden bar. I swung my legs around and I faced the floor, eyeing the distance between my current position and the floor. I decided it wouldn't be that bad of a fall and I twisted around to grab the railing with both hands. Then I let my legs fall.

Hanging on for dear life, I tried to quietly move my legs. My survival instinct flared to life and for a brief moment a panicked thought flooded my mind: Just what the fuck I thought I was doing? I was going to break my neck and for what? A bed time story? Oh yes, to get Kakashi out of whatever funk he was in. I took in a deep breath, centered myself and pushed the panic away. Then I let go.

And with a soft 'thud' my butt hit the unforgiving wooden floor boards.

Ouch!

Kakashi, I hope you appreciate this, 'cause my bottom certainly does not.

I then started to search for my wayward brother. His room was empty and his bed was made. Daddy's room was devoid of life except for Sakumo's half naked form splayed on the bed. The bathroom was also empty. I searched through the other three bedrooms and a bathroom on the other side of this floor, but they only contained old furniture and dust bunnies. No misplaced brothers.

Shrugging, I carefully scooched down the stairs in my funny toddler crawl-climb and turned right into the armory, which was empty. Daddy's office was also empty and the game-room was empty too. I was starting to get worried. I went back to the base of the stairs and turned left. Living room empty, dining room empty, kitchen empty. With an exasperated mental sigh I went back to the living room.

I hesitated a moment before I opened the back door and took a peek outside.
Aha! Fucking finally! I was beginning to think the brat had gone and gotten himself kidnapped.

There he was, sitting on the small bridge railing looking down at the koi pound, a scroll clutched in his hands.

I knew I had seen that scroll before this night. Koharu, "Call me Oba-san child or Oba-sama on formal occasions," gave that to daddy; much to the latter's silent displeasure and troubled countenance.

Dad showed so many conflicting emotions nowadays I didn't even know where to begin in untangling them all and figuring out what he actually thought.

Back to what was important: What was Kakashi doing with that thing?

I stepped out onto the ground; my, blue and white (of course, clan colors what can you do?) dog-themed, two piece, footie pajamas protecting my feet from the cold grass.

"'Kashi?" My voice was soft, I didn't want to startle him and make him fall into the pond. It would have been funny as hell, but now was not the time for playing around.

His head lifted, his eyes looked into mine, confused. "Mitsuki? What are you doing here?"

"You didn't come," I accused.

"Come?" I shivered a bit, gods it was cold tonight. I pulled up the puppy eared hood over my head, trying to conserve my warmth.

"To read," I tried to explain, but mister prodigy was just slow today.

"Oh? But..." He looked around eyes going wide, "Sorry Suki-chan, I lost sense of time."

No kidding genius.

He jumped off of the railing and walked over to me.

"Wait a minute," he looked at my pajama-clad form from head to toe. "What are you doing out here?"

"Finding you," duh, had he hit his head somewhere?

"No! How are you outside?" Ah, now I got it. I was starting to worry brother dear.

"I jumped!" I said with a cheeky smile. I was quite proud of myself.

His eyes widened with alarm. "Are you hurt?" He ran to me and started to check me over for injuries.

"I'm fine!" I exclaimed, he was worse than father sometimes. "Mostly" I grumbled to myself my hand going to softly touch my smarting behind, the pain now a dull ache. But it was still pain.

Next thing I knew I had been turned around and Kakashi was tugging on my pajama pants to assess the damage himself.

I squeaked out another "I'm fine!" not that it actually stopped him, but still. Damn that worrywart a bruised bum wasn't going to kill me. And damn the indignity of being not-quite two and having no privacy whatsoever.

"Let's get inside, you are cold." Holding my hand he calmly tugged me along as if he had not freaked the fuck out over nothing a few seconds just a few moments ago. Honestly that boy!

We were almost to his room when I spoke up, "Kakashi..."

He turned his head to look at me.

"What is that?" I pointed to the scroll.

He opened and showed it to me. My eyebrow twitched.

"Baka-Kashi!" He blinked at me. "I can't read!"

"Oh."

Oh, indeed, brother mine.

"I will start teaching you to read tomorrow."

Finally! I internally made a victory dance.

He gave a sigh and continued in a small voice. "This is a special permit for an early academy admittance."

"A what?" Try again brother dearest, this time with smaller words please.

"It means I can start the academy next spring"

"But you are four!"

"And that is why it is special," he picked me up and climbed into his bed.

"Oh," what was I supposed to say to that?

"Father said he was proud but... His eyes were not happy." He put me down on the bed near the wall and sat down crossing his arms and legs, a frown marring his face.

"Daddy is wo'ried," I tried to explain.

Kakashi just looked at me.

"He dun' like to see you hurt," I curled into his side.

"But I want to be a ninja! Being hurt is practically in the job description!"

I looked at him blankly, was I supposed to understand all that?

His shoulders drooped, "You have seen dad's scars?"

"Yes," I said lying down, "but he dun' wanna see them on you".

"He thinks I'm not capable?" He said puffing up in indignation.

"Cap...?" Would it kill him to use smaller words?

"He thinks I can't do it? Being a ninja I mean," he deflated a little bit.

I shook my head frantically, sitting up again "NO! He knows you are good!" Or at least I hoped so, because if Hatake Kakashi, genius extraordinary, budding prodigy, was not good enough on Sakumo's book then I had a snow ball's chance in hell to make it. "He is just wo'ried, you will be the smallest".

"Youngest," he corrected me absentmindedly. "Perhaps... He is overprotective" I almost snorted, just look who is talking! Mr. Pot, Jr. meet Mr. Kettle, Sr. of the 'We are all black' association.

"He probably thinks I will be bullied by the older kids" he frowned.

I nodded.

Something in my chest eased in relief. Crisis averted.

"I'll show them" determination suddenly seemed to ooze out of him. I sat up again. "I will show them all, I'll be the youngest graduate ever," his eyes were burning with motivation. My eyebrow climbed to my hair line. "I'll graduate in a year..." My eyes went wide "... At the top of my class!"

I boggled.

Oh crapbaskets, shit just got real.

-XXX-

"What is this?" I asked as I saw Kakashi with a big book, full of stickers of all colors of the rainbow and torn pages sticking out, open in his lap. I was pretty sure that this one did not come from our bookcase.

He blinked. "It's a cook book."

"A cook book?"

"Yes, it's a book where you write down how to cook things."

"And you have this 'cause?"

"Well, it's Dad first mission in a while and he will probably be tired, so I thought we could do something nice for him. I found this."

Yeah, Dad had returned to normal ninja routine. Whatever the hell that was supposed to mean. Since when were ninjas any kind of normal? That was why Shiyou was in the house. He was supposed to be on babysitting duty and watching us to make sure we didn't do something too crazy. But he still was, I turned my head to look at the open back door, yep, snoring away on the veranda.

So, Daddy's first day 'back to work' was today but he said that he would be back home by night fall.

Then I got it.

Awww, brother wanted to make something special, which was just too cute.

"So, we are doing?" I plopped down next to him.

"We are cooking Dad dinner."

Wait, say what? He wanted me to cook? Was he crazy? Me? The queen of burnt milk and whose pies looked like cakes and the cakes, well, May God have their souls. Needless to say I gave up on cooking when I was seventeen.

"We are?"

"Yep, come on! I found something I saw m-mom cooking a lot and he liked it," He stuttered a bit at the 'mom' word. Oh, big-little brother, have you been hurting all this time and I haven't seen it? What else have I missed?

When I nodded, he lost the sad face and jumped to his feet, talking a mile per minute.

I can't fucking believe it.

I was being emotionally blackmailed into cooking by a toddler who didn't even know what blackmail was. Maybe. I looked at him, narrowing my eyes in suspicion.

Two words...

Ninja spawn.

Then I sighed, giving up the fight, it's wasn't like I could say no to Kakashi anyway.

Damn you brother! You and your blasted cuteness.

And so, I was dragged by my hand into the kitchen by my completely crazy, genius brother for an exercise in cooking.

Joy.

So we had two, albeit well intentioned, toddlers, excuse me, Ninjas in training, a cooking recipe, a clean looking kitchen, innocent vegetables, hot pots, stove fire and very sharp, potentially lethal objects.

Yeeeeeaaaaah, dad was so going to kill us. Or Shiyou, probably Shiyou. Probably.

In a show of strength Kakashi picked me up and walked up the counter, plopping me on one side of the stove and jumping back down and walking to the fridge to get the ingredients.

Show off.

Soon, he'd gathered everything that he thought we would need and we were ready to start. God help us all.

"Now we need to cut up the meat and add it in," Kakashi murmured to himself while picking up a big knife.

I'm not quite sure a four year old should be anywhere near a knife of that size or one that sharp, but then again this is Konoha, who knew what was normal kid behavior in this place.

Kakashi looked at the knife, then at the meat, then back at the knife.

What the heck is he doing now?

He threw the thing into the sink and hopped off of the counter with a 'wait a minute'.

I'm never going to understand this kid.

He came back thirty seconds later and effortlessly (much to my envy) walked up the counter again. He pulled something from his pockets and...

Yep, scratch that statement of not understanding him. The kid is a ninja nut and that is all.

He pulled the kunai (yes, because who would have thought to use a lethal weapon to do simple cooking, my crazy ass brother that is who)and started to cut up the meat into smaller pieces. I'm pretty sure he got that out of daddy's prized collection. Heads would roll.

I shook my head.

Why couldn't my family be normal?

We went back to work. I held a small Swiss knife, because my hands were just too small to hold a normal sized one and my brother, who thinks of bleeding everything, got that when he went to get the kunai. By the way, the present had been Shiyou's idea of an appropriate gift for a ninja toddler. Better than Tsunade's medic kit for beginners or Kushina's pair of rattles (what the hell did she think we were? Newborns?) at any rate. I held the knife securely in my hands and started to chop away at the carrots. This whole cooking dinner thing was actually more fun than I remembered it being.

The carrots were a bit uneven. Okay, the carrots were a lot uneven, but who the fuck cared?!

I finished up the carrots and stuck my head near the pots where one of them had the dashi stock happily boiling away. The fire was deftly started by Kakashi. I don't think Dad is aware of that particular ability of his. The water was already a yellow color because the packet of homemade stock in it. Honestly it looked like piss to me, but who am I to judge? I was not the one who would be eating this mess. In another pot, on low fire, were a few handfuls, as our hands were very small, of some white, thin noodles being cooked.

"Kakashi, I think it's finis'ed," I said raising my head to look at my brother. I had to duck back to avoid bumping into his face which had abruptly appeared on the other side of the pot.

"Yeah, I think so too."

I swear that someone needs to tie a bell on this boy's neck, he is taking 'silent as a ninja' to an obsessive level, it couldn't be healthy.

"Did you finish the carrots?"

I nodded. "I was going to cut the pota-toes now," I said while holding up the two potatoes for Kakashi eyes.

"I'll get the onion," He did the same thing I did and showed me the big onion.

"Okies," I cheerfully said, quite happy to be away from eye-watering onions. I started to cut the potato in half. It should be cut into fours, or so Kakashi said. This was shaping up to be an awesome day, who knew cooking could be this fun?

It stuck.

The knife was stuck in the potato. I held it up and shook it a bit to see if it would pop out on its own. No luck.

Damn.

I shrugged, nothing for it then. I raised myself on my knees and used the weight of my body to force the knife through the blasted vegetable.

Chunk.

I forgot that one of the pieces would probably fly away from the force of the cutting. Obviously, physics hadn't been my favorite subject in my past life.

Well, that wall was ugly anyway.

"Err, do you think it needs two whole potatoes?" Kakashi asked, blinking his reddened eyes at the mess splattered on the wall.

"I dunno," I shrugged my tiny shoulders, "maybe not?"

We looked at each other and then mutually decided that we didn't care and got back to work. I made sure that the other potato pieces wouldn't get any ideas and try a bid for freedom though.

After I finished hacking apart the remaining potato, I tackled the green onions which were very easy to cut.

Meanwhile, Kakashi was dumping oil into another pot on the stove. I think he put in a tad too much, but then again, he was the one reading the cook book. After the oil, he tossed in the onions and the meat all the while squinting at the book, apparently mom didn't have the best handwriting.

I turned off the fire on the noodles at Kakashi's command and dumped in the carrots and the potatoes in the same pot as the meat and onions.

Kakashi was looking kinda cute armed with a wooden spoon, ready to mix everything in, and an air of importance.

Brother was just huggable.

"Now we put in the dashi and the soy sauce," murmured Kakashi, after he dumped in the noodles, checking the cook book once more. "You get the sauce; I'll pour in the dashi."

And so I went to get the soy sauce that was on my side of the counter while Kakashi picked up the pot of dashi. As I turned back with the bottle of sauce, I heard a yelp and a thump.

I think my dear brother forgot that the pot was still hot, even if it was out of the fire for a while now; if his crazy hopping and hand waving were any indication. Looks like he burned his hand a little.

"'Kashi? You okay?"

"Yeah, I just did something stupid." he said looking at his hand. "Tanpopo-chan, remember something: being stupid hurts."

I howled in laughter (oh brother, if you only knew) what could I to say after that?

"How much?" I said, opening the sauce bottle.

"It says to dump in as much as you like," he crocked his head to the side in confusion.

I shrugged and dumped in half of the bottle, in my modest opinion one couldn't have too much soy sauce.

Kakashi eyes widened.

"What?"

"Maybe that was a bit much," he said a bit anxiously.

I shrugged again.

"Okay, now we wait for it to boil and then we wait for Dad to get home."

"We make tea?"

"It's 'Should we make tea?' and I don't know, let's leave it to dad to decide," he nodded to himself. "He might want that sake stuff."

"Sake?" I didn't know daddy drank.

"An adult drink, it's bad," he made a disgusted face.

Who the hell gave sake to this kid?

Oh yeah. His godmother was Tsunade.

We hopped off the counter and went to the dining room to set the table.

By the time Dad got home, a half an hour later, the pot of food was already on the dinner table, ready to be eaten. Kakashi and I were trying to scrape the potato guts off the wall. Brother was sticking vertically to it with a sponge and I was attacking it, somewhat wobbly, with a long handled mop.

"What is going on here?"

I jumped and yelped dropping the mop on my own head while Kakashi fell off the wall on his face.

"Ouch" we chorused.

I swear! Bells on necks! For this whole household!

"You two alright?" Daddy walked over, checking my head. "What happened to the wall?" He asked, looking at Kakashi's nose.

"We made dinner," I chirped.

"You... What?" The eyebrow of doom went up and he looked at the wall again.

Time for evasive tactics.

"It was Kakashi's idea!" I pointed.

"OY, you agreed with it!"

"And what exactly did you make?" Daddy sounded like he didn't want to know.

"Nikujaga,*" Kakashi answered.

So that was what we cooked, good to know.

"Niku-How?" Daddy choked on the words.

"I found Mom's cook book."

"I see..." Sakumo sucked in a breath and trailed off, mind obviously drifting away from the wall.

Uh oh, things are getting awkward, time for a diversion maneuver.

I threw myself into Daddy's leg and clung to it like an overly affectionate koala. I smiled hugely up at Sakumo.

"Was the mission good Daddy?"

"I can't say kiddo."

"Eeh? Why not?" I pouted.

"It's classified, baby."

"Classi... What now?"

"It means a secret, Tanpopo," brother piped up, sounding smug.

"Don't call me that! Baka-kashi!"

"Oy!"

"Okay! Enough of that now! Let's see what you two managed to make. Was the wall the only casualty?"

"Yep," brother nodded.

"Caus-a-what?"

"It means hurt."

"The wall was hurt?" That didn't make sense at all.

Sakumo laughed out right at that, "Forget it kiddo, you will get it eventually."

I cocked my head to the side, Japanese was so confusing.

"Ah, Kakashi hurt his hand. Is that a caus'alty?" I asked.

"It's 'Casualty' and you shouldn't have said that," Kakashi frowned at me

"He what?" Dad startled already picking Kakashi up and looking him over.

"It doesn't even hurt anymore!" Brother whined

"I'm going to kill Shiyou," Dad grumbled. "Where is that idiot anyways?" he said putting brother back on the floor.

Kakashi pointed to the veranda, where the aforementioned ninja was still sleeping away.

Sakumo's Eyebrow of Doom went up. He started stalking toward the oblivious figure spread eagle on the floor, already pulling back the sleeves of his uniform.

Oh boy, there was going to be blood.

In the end, the episode was immortalized on the fridge by another picture of us. Daddy put the dirty pot back on the stove and shot the photo with Kakashi on the right with a comically enormous knife and me on the left with a wooden spoon.

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To be continued…

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A/N: So any thoughts you guys want to share? Review!

A/N2: *Nikujaga is a typical Japanese food. Search it on google you lazy buns. The recipe came from 'Ninjagirl2211' THANK YOU!

A/N3: Yes, Hiruko is the guy of the movie and for those that are worried that it doesn't fit in the 'main' history line… Well that is the beauty of fanfiction people, you MAKE things fit. Yes, Shiyou is (would be?) Konohamarus father.

Question: If you were in Mitsuki's place what kind of food would you miss the most?

My answer of the previous chapter: I like Japanese cuisine but I can't stand Sweet beans, Natto (Eeww) or raw eggs. And if I could choose a world to be reborn in I think I would pick Pokemon… Or One piece because Zoro and Law *insert little hearts here*. But probably Pokemon.

Don't forget to vote on the poll!